May 30, 2008

Kobe Bryant Is The Closer

This spring, people just can't stop confessing... Kobe Bryant IS The Closer. Only on TNT.

I haven't even tried since Anchorman.

Luke and I have a thing. Don't tell the ladies though.

I dun eben like bathketbawl.

Tonay Parcare wanns-a you to sex-a hees wife. He juss watch and eat baguette.
Only on TNT. We know drama.

May 29, 2008

CSI: Chicago

You might think that Doug Collins is the only former Chicago Bull returning to the Windy City, but you'd be wrong. The Blowtorch presents to you two independent pictures that surely hint at the return of another legend. Draw your own conclusions.

May 28, 2008

Inside the Minnesota Timberwolves War Room

Kevin McHale: Alright! Time for draftin'! Kevin MickeyAle loves him some draftin'. Scouts, get up in here! Kevin McHale: Excellent. My two best chums. Scouts honor and all that. You two been checkin' them college guys out?

Lady Scout: Oh, yes sir, since last year's draft. Just like you said.

Man Scout: There's a bunch of really talented, athletic players available this year. Just what we need.

Kevin McHale: You two are some real pals. Let's have a looksy at our roster so far. Who's first?

Kevin McHale: Hah. Next.

Kevin McHale: Who's that?

Man Scout
: Sebastian Telfair, sir.
Kevin McHale: Is that a real name? What's his deal?

Lady Scout
: Ostensibly, he's a point guard. Kind of a disappointment.

Kevin McHale:
Well we don't want any more of those. I like his hat though. Who else we got?

Kevin McHale: You guys are messing with me, right? That has to be Photoshopped. Who acquired that fat slob?

Lady Scout:
Uh, you, sir.

Kevin McHale:
Are you serious? Why would I want Antoine Walkman or whatever his name is? That's stupid.

Man Scout
: You were pretty excited when he got here. He's got a championship, you said.

Kevin McHale:
Well, championship experience is a plus.....anyways, who was that other big dude we had. Hal Jurgensen or something?

Lady Scout
: Al Jefferson.

Kevin McHale:
Sure, whatever. He's good right?

Man Scout: Yes, he's very good.

Kevin McHale:
Why don't we just get another one of him?

Lady Scout
: He's a bit undersized and that kills us defensively. Plus it'd be silly to have exact replicas.

Kevin McHale:
But your buddy said he was good.

Lady Scout:
He is.

Kevin McHale:
Great. Tell me what players are exactly like him.

Man Scout: I suppose Kevin Love from UCLA is the closest to Al.

Kevin McHale:
Kevin Love? From the Beach Boys?! I love the Beach Boys!

Lady Scout:
No, he's a basketball player. His uncle was in the Beach Boys.

Kevin McHale:
Close enough. How's his vertical?

Man Scout: Neglible.

Kevin McHale:

May 27, 2008

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects

‘Twas a long weekend at Blowtorch base camp and I need to clear my brain of all thought basketball and non-basketball before I can go back to making jokes about basketball.

Glow in the Dark Tour:
Why wasn’t the order Rihanna, N.E.R.D., Lupe, Kanye? I think that’s what everyone wanted since we were in Chicago.

Lupe’s set was too short and he gave too much of his time up to his cronies who won’t do anything ever. He kind of seems like the guy who will do contrarian things just to be different. If he wasn’t such a good rapper, I’d probably hate him.

Pharrell wants to be a Rock Star (rather than a general superstar, which he is) so, so, so badly it’s funny. However, what he doesn’t realize is that drum solos are an assault to rock sensibilities everywhere. Furthermore, his subject matter is a hyper-sexualized update on 50s themes. Dancing, being “bad,” and going crazy are old hat.

I wonder if Common is sad that he is relegated to being a backup dancer for a glorified rock side project during his home city’s biggest hip-hop show of the year.

Chris Brown was FREAKING OUT when he was onstage with N.E.R.D. but didn’t appear during Rihanna’s “Cinderella.” Love on the rocks? Ain’t no big surprise.

Here’s a fun debate, worst dancer in hip-hop: Kanye, Lupe, or Pharrell?

It’s highly likely that Kanye fired someone after his mic didn’t turn on for the first four bars of “Homecoming.” Tough break.

According to the fiancée, Kanye was wearing some sort of jacket tied around his waist but it definitely looked like a skirt. I’m all for innovation but looking like a homosexual “California Love” extra isn’t a good look.

New part for “Hey Mama” gave me chills.

Best part of the concert, during the “leave yo a** for a white girl” part of “Gold Digger,” a large black guy pointed right at my fiancée. Awesome.

I got in two big basketball debates at the annual barbecue: 1. Chris Paul could be the best point guard ever 2. NBA vs. NCAA. My extended thoughts follow.

On Chris Paul: I have a good sense of history of the game. I respect everything that’s been done and the legends and all that. But the season that Chris Paul just had was off the charts. It’s impossible to ignore that he has the potential to become the best point ever. However, that’s the sort of argument you can’t win. There’s no way to predict injuries. There’s no way to know if the Hornets franchise will cut payroll leaving CP by himself. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to be legendary.

My buddy argued that the NCAA is better than the NBA for the worst reason ever. He said the NBA is inferior because there is a rule in place that prevents help defenders from staying in the lane. That’s it. He doesn’t like the NBA because it doesn’t allow for fundamental help defense. He didn’t see my point that that equates with good defenders being able to get to the help line even quicker, but I’m guessing that’s because he’s an idiot.

The NBA vs. NCAA debate is settled by choosing which side you’re on, talent or hustle. It’s that easy. If you like talent, you’re an NBA fan. If you like hustle, you’re an NCAA fan. There’s no other realm that the NCAA touches the NBA in, other than hustle. Could that be because the season is 1/3rd as long? Hmmmm……

That's all. Back to your regularly scheduled jokes about foreigners.

May 23, 2008

A Field Guide to Paul Pierce's Threatening Gestures

Seen in last night's game...The One Up - commonly used to signify the start of a one minute countdown until shooting and/or fighting begins. The One Down - used after the one minute countdown, this is a last resort warning that Pierce will begin to attack.

The Saxophone - Paul Pierce is about to play some Kenny G ish on yo dome.

The Double Mash - though Pierce's face shows glee, this action signifies an impending assault with Pierce's two balled fists.

The Duck Down - this move is a threatening maneuver warning the recipient to lower they head lest they receive punishment.

The "Chill, Homie" - Pierce is warning his antagonist to "check" themselves prior to "wrecking" themselves.

The That's Amore - this gesture, which emulates Italian Mafioso figures, is a signal that Pierce is well connected and will not hesitate to use these connections maliciously.

May 22, 2008

Inner Thoughts with Tony Parker

Hey guyss, ees me, Tonay Parcare. Lass nigh was a crassees game. Tonay vas happies. Tonay vas sneakies!
A-luke at Tonay being sneakiess. Tonay make Spurs a-veen by tventy point. UH HUH HUH BAGUETTE! Tonay like-a baguette!

But-a zen, sings, zey get-a vorse. Datta make Tonay ahngree. Tonay does-a not like loosing.
See! Tonay Parcare is-a varry, varry ahngree. And vhen Tonay Parcare gess ahngree, Tonay Parcare gess sad. Varry sads.How did-a Tonay Parcare a-loos that-a game? Vhat a deesapointments.

Oh vell. Tonay's got hees baguettes ahd hees camemberts. Maybe you want-a to sex-a hees wife? Go head, sex-a Tonay's vife! She bootyfull but Tonay too sad for ze sexing. If you no sex-a Tonay's wife, maybe Crease Paul vill...

May 21, 2008

Muxtape Quiz, part 1

I entered the FreeDarko Muxtape Madness with this Spurs tape. Each song represents one of San Antonio's rotation players. Check out the songs and decipher which song is which player. Leave your answers in the comments.
  • I'm Glad I Hitched My Apple Wagon to Your Star - The Boy Least Likely To
  • Frenchy, I'm Faking - Architecture in Helsinki
  • The Underdog - Spoon
  • Kick, Push - Lupe Fiasco
  • Rich Kid Blues - the Raconteurs
  • Long Slow Goodbye - Queens Of The Stone Age
  • Of Angels and Angles - the Decemberists
  • Business Time - Flight of the Conchords
  • The Dirty Dirty - Tapes 'n Tapes
  • Say Hello (To The Bad Guy) - Jay Z

May 20, 2008

My Hanes Commercial Script

During the playoffs I've seen this Cuba Gooding, Jr. / Michael Jordan commercial numerous times. Ergo, I decided to write my first script. I think it turned out pretty great.

Cuba is sitting in his trailer. He is digging through a set of drawers, desperately searching for something.
C’mon. They’ve got to be in here. Michael wouldn’t do this to me.

Cuba continues digging.

I NEED that comfort soft waistband!

Cuba reaches in his pocket and pulls out a rumpled pair of Hanes Comfort Soft boxers. Cuba then sprints out of his trailer to a nearby basketball court where Michael Jordan is shooting around with 4 scantily clad women.

Michael! I found your underwear! They were in my pocket the whole time!
(Michael gives Cuba a look of bewilderment.)
I took ‘em out of your laundry after the movie last night. You don’t mind if I hang on to ‘em, do you?
(Michael starts laughing while the girls grasp his chest and arms.)
(Cuba cries a single tear while considering the depths to which his career has fallen.)


May 19, 2008

Found Item: San Antonio Spurs Game 7 Gameplan

This was sent to me early this morning, allegedly found at the Spurs practice facility:

May 16, 2008

Just Keep Shooting, Just Keep Shooting

Jannero Pargo enters the game, what follows is his internal monologue:

Alright, Jannero. Let's go. Gotta get some looks. Get some shots up. Get in a rhythm. Let's ParGO!
One miss, ain't no thang. Just keep gettin' them shots. You can hit 'em. You're the best shooter on the court. Probably in the league.
Hmmm...I don't know what's going on right now. Better keep shooting. Get that swagger back.

YEAAAAAH!!! Just the first of many. Now I'm getting going, yo. Jannero Pargo in the house.

Pssssht. Who cares. I made that jumper earlier. More to come. Stay tuned.

I am getting some GOOD looks. They'll start dropping. I just gotta do me, keep jackin'.

Just a matter of time, Spurs. You know and I know that these shots are gonna drop. They're for sure gonna keep goin' up. Know that.

MORE SHATS, JANNERO! Next one's going in, and you know this, maaaaan.

Yeah, whatever. Next game these are in. Consider yourself warned.

May 15, 2008


  • This is a lengthy conversation e-mailed to me by a future human-in-law. You really should read it as it discusses the effect that LeBron James has had on economies.

    I tend to side with Human Two's point of view that even if there was no LeBron James, there would still be someone to fill his place as a marketing force. You can see that with the explosion of Chris Paul in these playoffs; he's clearly positioned himself as the next marketable star of the NBA.
  • I'll be liveblogging again over at Ball Don't Lie with Skeets and Matt Moore tonight. We've essentially become the internet's official Spurs-Hornets broadcasters. In all honesty, the BDL liveblogs that we (us three and Kelly Dwyer, usually) are doing are impeccable and have to be considered the internet's best. I'm proud to be a part of something so cool.

May 14, 2008

Late Game Thoughts with Hedo Turkoglu

Duh-white, do not have worry. Hedo will make basketball dunk shot for to win game. Only 2 points is dunk shot, so Hedo make two dunk shot. 4 point!

See Duh-White! Hedo making dunk shot! YAY HEDO!

Ummm....Taycron Prints mess it all up and down. Hedo can make no dunk shot? Not goods.

Oh, Duh-White, Hedo sorry for no make dunk shot. Next time, you make dunk shot?

May 13, 2008

1000 Words: OJ Mayo Keeps a Low Profile

Nah, man. I PAID for these tickets. Out of my own pocket. With my own money. That I EARNED, son.

For reals, I got a job. Deliver pizzas for Papa John's. Isht was crazy the other day, ya heard? Ain't no thing. Pick up the pizza, drive over in my Maybach, drop off the pizza then I'm outtie. I get to keep the tips too. It's straaaaaight.

Seriously though, can everybody see me?

May 12, 2008

Chris and Tony, Friends Forever

Tony Parker: Ey-uh, Crease, I vreally like-a yore floata. Ees bootyfull. Ees berry BERRY sexies.

Chris Paul: Ummm, uh, thanks Tony.

Tony Parker: Yes, Crease, ees a so bootyfull. I-ah wanna oose ze floata too. Das okay, yes?

Chris Paul: Yeah. Right on. Whatever, man.

Tony Parker: Oh, Crease Paul. So genruss. So nice. BAGUETTE!

Chris Paul: .....

Tony Parker: You don't-a want-a baguette? You don't-a like-a baguette? Das alright, Tonay Parcare jussa stand-a like you, Crease Paul. I standa just like-a ze bootyfull Crease Paul. Too sexies!

Chris Paul: .....

Tony Parker: You wanta to sex-a my wife?

May 9, 2008

A Sideline Interview with Jonah Hill

So, like, yeah. I've been like a huge Lakers fan pretty much my whole life or whatever. They're totally rad. And, like, look at all these hot chicks here. I'd pay somebody to pay them to show me their Laker girls. Their tee-tays. Tattles.

GET THE BALL IN THE HOOP YOU [expletive deleted]!! ARE YOU [expletive deleted] KIDDING ME??

Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I'm sorry. My bad. Sorry.

But for reals, like I was saying; big Lakers fan. Bigger fan of these ladies. I can't help getting tinglepants and I wouldn't mind them seeing, ya know. Look closely and you can see the outline. I need several beers right now.

SERIOUSLY TURIAF! MAKE A [expletive deleted] SHOT! THIS ISN'T [expletive deleted] GRADE [expletive deleted] SCHOOL! I DIDN'T PAY THIS MONEY TO SEE THIS [expletive deleted]!

Sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just a fan. Sorry. Let me get my beer on, fo sho. I'll be fine then. Fo sho. No worries. Go Lakers or whatever.

[expletive deleted] RADMANOVIC STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE RADMANO[expletive deleted]!

May 8, 2008

1000 Words: Old People Mating

DANNY: They'll never understand us.

MARGE: Why? Because of the race thing?

DANNY: No. Because we're old people. Old people mating is gross.

May 7, 2008

I'll Still Watch

Surely this will put me in the minority but I don’t think it’s important to watch LeBron James play basketball. His singular highs reach higher than any other, no doubt. Furthermore, he is capable of producing more moments than any player in the League. No one else is even close.

But the realm that LeBron fails in is the genesis of Events. It feels, to me, like you can understand everything you need to about LeBron through a highlights package. His glory is easily contained. You see, in any given game LeBron will do something special. Something so outstanding that you have to see it and, undoubtedly, you will. But in that same game, you’ll also get a lot of frustration. LeBron settling for jumpers, LeBron taking contested shots, LeBron complaining to referees. And even though this is largely due to the (terrible) system that he plays in, it still is a reality.

If LeBron does something big, if he throws down a 360 in traffic for instance, you will know about it. You’ll see it on SportsCenter, on Youtube. You will know that this happened and you will appreciate its majesty. If he has a terrible shooting night, you can bet that his highlights will be a subset of his missed shots. As I stated before, you will know what happened in LeBron’s game from this reel. Guys like Kobe and Nash though, they create Events.

When Nash was having his 20 assist games late last season, it was a joy to watch the whole game and see him find the angles and hit the cutters. Kobe’s 81 was otherworldly, as was his 50 point streak. Game 5 excepted, LeBron isn’t so much of an Event-maker as a moment-maker.

Now this isn’t to say that I don’t love watching LeBron play; I just think that the essence of his triumphs is more easily distilled than that of other superstars. And yes, I admit that my distaste for the Cavaliers likely plays a large part in my not needing to see LeBron to understand LeBron. (I can’t stand that team for a lot of reasons, which definitely makes me not feel bad about not watching them.) And maybe it’s that LeBron just doesn’t seem human and I don’t like seeing him doing mundane things that makes me choose other avenues. But, for me, LeBron is a magazine and others can be books.

And I love magazines.

May 6, 2008

Chris Paul vs. George Clooney

Chris Paul is insanely good, this you know. What you may not know is that today is his birthday. What you also might not know is that he shares a birthday with one George Clooney. With that in mind, let's compare the two:

There you have it. Though Paul's abilities have skyrocketed him to the top of the NBA, he still cannot top the Legend of Clooney. The score may be 4-3, but it's not that close; Clooney easily dominates in the earnings and women categories, two things that are mighty important in both the entertainment and sporting realms.

May 5, 2008

Found Item: Kobe Bryant's MVP Speech

A tipster sent me this today:


May 2, 2008

1000 Words: People I Hear I Look Like

In the past few months I haven't cut my hair or beard (though a little trimming has been necessary to stay engaged). Here's me:
Here's the people I've been told I look like:

So that settles it; I look exactly like the black son of a fictional hippie from Spain.