Since I'll be in Toronto until Tuesday evening, I'm leaving the Blowtorch in the paws of my cat Boots with the Fur. She's not a great typist, but she's pretty witty. For instance, it was her idea to poop on the floor in that Brad Miller video. That being said, she's a reclusive genius; the Dave Chappelle of cats, if you will. I wouldn't count on her posting anything, but you might be able to find Blowtorch-branded silliness in or about other Internet locations.
March 28, 2009
March 27, 2009
It's me, Carmelo Kiyan Anthony. Just checkin' in from the deep, dark expanses of Space, wanted to let y'all know what me and Chauncey have been up to this week.
Main thing we've doing, like usual is watching Chauncey's movies. We ain't really know there wasn't going to be tons to do out here, but it's been cool. Like, we thought maybe we'd get a chance to grill out, but supposedly if you go outside the shuttle, you die instantly cause of no oxygen. Which also means the grill wouldn't work, but whatever.
His main flick this week, which we watched like 12 times is Wild Wild West. I didn't really think that was too Space-y, but Chauncey says it is.
So after we've watched this probably 8 times, Chauncey goes to the back of the shuttle and about ten minutes later he comes back with this sketch:
Inspired by Dr. Arliss Loveless, Chauncey wants to build this huge Space spider in our bay. I'm like, "yeah, cool, there's nothing else to do." So we started building it and building it and like equipping it with weaponry because that's what Loveless did and Chauncey is mad dedicated to the source material.
After maybe 3 days of building we tried out the Space spider using our shuttle's holding arm. But like, something went wrong and we accidentally detonated the missle before it was unlatched? We're not sure, since we followed Chaunce's detailed blueprint.
So I guess the big story this week is we made a space explosion.
We're alright though. Actually, I feel out-of-this-world good.
P.S. If there's anything you want to know about Space or anything else, let me know. I'll hook you up.
March 25, 2009
To build "buzz," here's a sample chapter regarding Brandon Roy:
March 24, 2009
Sometimes I like to do some behind the scenes education for the kids. Today's post is about generating memes. Kids today know a lot about memes, but sometimes they don't know how to make them. But thanks to the ShareBro Meme Incubation Conclave, and careful study with noted meme creator, Carles, I've become fairly proficient at making memes from things.
Here is today's course material:
By following along, you will see that by using a single picture, we will generate two memes of different stickiness1.
Here is our source material:As you can see, it is a picture of Rashad McCants, Reggie Evans, and Andre Miller from a recent Kings/76ers basketball game. Let's make our first meme!
GENERATING A BASIC MEME
Our first meme is a basic meme, which tend to be stickier than higher level memes. This meme begins with Rashad McCants' face, which appears to have been distorted at the time of this photograph. Upon seeing his confused look and open mouth, I instantly noticed that he looked similar to the Jamie Foxx character in the upcoming motion picture The Soloist.
By isolating McCants' face and placing it next to a screencapture of Foxx's face from the upcoming motion picture The Soloist, we have created a basic meme:
Now a lot of blogs will stop at the basic meme. Because it's an easy joke and has maximum stickiness2, this is a pretty sound model for generating bloggable content. However, there is even greater comedic potential if we delve deeper in to the source material.
GENERATING A HIGH LEVEL MEME
We will now generate a high level meme. High level memes require both the generator and the audience to be familiar with numerous aspects of popular culture, sometimes from bygone eras.
For this high level meme, we will isolate the entirety of Reggie Evans. As you can see in our source material, Evans appears to be pleading with the referee for some unknown injustice. You will also note that he is bald and is seemingly pockmarked (though this may just be beard follicles).
Now to generate the meme, I immediately thought of how similar Reggie Evans looked to the musician Seal. I then referenced Seal's #1 hit "Kiss From a Rose." By overlaying a particularly appropriate stanza from this beautiful song, I have created a high level meme. However, in order for this meme to be successful, I'm assuming the audience a) agrees that Reggie Evans looks like Seal, b) they know the hit song "Kiss From a Rose," and c) they realize that this lyric of desperation correlates with the look on Evans' face. Because all three of these factors must be agreed upon, this meme is significantly less sticky. It is through the use of high level memes that the Blowtorch has gained critical acclaim while not often crossing over to mainstream audiences.
RECOGNIZING NON-MEMEWORTHY CONTENT
Not everything is deserving of a meme. As noted on today's guide, Andre Miller's grimace does not strike me as particularly memeworthy. This is, in part, because Andre Miller is likely the least interesting person to ever play professional basketball. However, to each his own meme. If you feel this is memeworthy, by all means, create and share your meme.
I hope that this tutorial on Blowtorch meme generation has proven both educational and insightful. I may have given away some secrets, but the great thing about memes is that they belong to all of us. The Internet will support an infinite amount of memes, but only the best will receive international acclaim. Good luck in your own meme generation, and remember, have fun!
- Stickiness is how long-lasting the meme is. It is a scientific measure of how many people are aware and use the meme.
- In this case, it could be suggested that The Soloist become a McCants nickname.
March 23, 2009
But this is my biggest adventure yet. I'm in space.
But I wanted you dudes on Earth to see how much fun we're having up here in the deep, dark void of space. Here's a postcard we had made in one of those photo booth things:
You can tell we're having a great time. I'll check back in soon.
Peace on Earth. LOL
March 20, 2009
As for the man hiding behind the mentalist, trying to appear nonchalant; he's the financier. His suit and tie are a dead giveaway that he's the money man behind this whole operation.
If the psychological method isn't effective, the NBA has also mobilized its most lethal killing machine.
Look at the glee on LeBron's face as he bowls over numerous children IN PLAIN SIGHT. 260 pounds of muscle and bone pounding in to the chest cavities of these youngsters, grinning as they are unaware of their impeding doom. This aggression must not go unchecked.
For years, the NBA has told us that they are trying to give back to the community through programs such as NBA Cares and the ill-fated association with Billy Crystal's Comic Relief. However, these two pictures clearly show the truly horrific nature of David Stern's covert operation to eliminate his foes. The only question, is "why?"
March 19, 2009
Hey, Brad Miller's a fan too.
March 17, 2009
March 16, 2009
- Side part - Your friend's dad Steve doesn't want you to notice that his hair is thinning. On days when he's feeling particularly rebellious, he parts it the other way.
- Exposed chest hair - Steve can't hope to contain that luscious V of chest foliage. He oozes virility.
- Medical ID bracelet - If Steve has a diabetic attack, he wants you to know there's an epipen in his old nylon duffle bag.
- Shorts above the knees - He doesn't want any hindrance during those 5-6 times a game when he actually bends his legs.
- White socks with black shoes - Your buddy's dad stopped caring about aesthetics back when Garth Brooks released the Chris Gaines album.
Next time you and your dad and your friend and his dad get together to play ball, give me a call. I'll bring my dad. He can still ball. I just found this picture of him:
Don't worry; he's legit.
March 13, 2009
March 11, 2009
Some athletes take expensive supplements for energy. Others are slaves to 5 Hour Energy, Red Bull, and other sugar-laden disasters. Not Brad Miller. He kicks it old-school; nickel and dime store Fun Dip, son.
The above photograph was taken at last night's Clippers game. I have marked it up so that you can understand the different groups of people who choose to attend a basketball game of the worst team in the NBA. What follows is a color-coded description of these various groups.
- Light blue - various Bros
- White - the murderer from Pauly Shore's Jury Duty
- Red - failed central casting mobsters
- Yellow - Band of Horses hopeful
- Green - escapees from local mental institution Shady Oaks
- Lavender - bit players from multiple Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire
While this is only one game, this subset of people is generally the standard for Clippers games. In 2005, members of the cast from Crash had front row seats, marking the first time Matt Dillon has been considered an A-lister1.
Though it isn't commonplace, one actual star was sitting courtside last night.During a brief interview by sideline reporter Lauren Harrington, Cruz was quoted as saying, "ZEEZ ES BALONCESTO?! HOW DARES YOU TELL ME WHAT EEZ AND EEZENT BALONCESTO!! I AM ME AND I SAY WHEN EEZ BALONCESTO!!" Cruz then proceeded to break all of the ceramic dishes in the Staples Center.
The next time you're watching a Clippers game2, keep this guide in mind. And if you happen to end up next to Penelope Cruz, don't forget your ear plugs.
- Except, of course, for the numerous times people mistakenly thought he was Matt Damon.
March 10, 2009
March 9, 2009
Tom Ziller started an interesting discussion on whether or not the Celtics are dirty. As you can imagine, Celtics fans disagree. And because they're Celtics fans, they have to respond and defend and kind of ignore the initial argument. It's how former Celtic great Gary Payton would have wanted it, as you can see by his television work.
However, I don't know why they're all fighting. If everyone had just asked me, I could have easily explained whether or not certain players are dirty. It's easy. You look at their grooming habits and decide.
Here's an quick reference guide. Explanations are below.
As you can see, the Celtics have six dirty players and six who are not. I think this settles that argument. You're welcome.
Glen Davis - I bet he's one of those fat guys that smells like baby powder. NOT DIRTY
Bill Walker - Always looks like he has a dip in. DIRTY
Ray Allen - Impeccably groomed. NOT DIRTY
Eddie House - Beard maintenence proves dedication to hygeine. NOT DIRTY
Gabe Pruitt - Attended Southern California, home of lots of bros. NOT DIRTY
Kendrick Perkins - Probably has to wear a bib when he eats ribs. DIRTY
Kevin Garnett - Aside from chin, completely hairless. NOT DIRTY
Mikki Moore - Owns a snake. DIRTY
Leon Powe - Has two side jobs: garbageman and construction worker. DIRTY
Paul Pierce - Refuses to shower since Antoine Walker retired. DIRTY
Rajon Rondo - Smoothest skin in NBA history. NOT DIRTY
Stephon Marbury - Has a head tattoo. DIRTY
March 6, 2009
March 4, 2009
I'm pretty sure they were excited because their brother David (pronounced "DAH-veed") was in the house. They hadn't seen him since they left Spain.
Of course, David Gasol wasn't the only big name in attendance. Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy came out to scout his potential Finals opponent.
The stars of 2002's Best Picture winner Anger Management were courtside.
As a special promotion, it was "90s night." The Lakers invited people who haven't been relevant in years to come and sit courtside. It was their way of acknowledging that even though the don't have the clout to deserve premium seats, they aren't forgotten.
For instance, "musician" Fred Durst was allowed in public for the first time since that song with Method Man. One of the biggest surprises was that the Lakers invited the spirit of 1999 era Jared Leto to attend the game. Not surprisingly, 1999 era Jared Leto was happy to attend.With all these huge stars showing up, Andy Garcia was relegated to the nosebleeds. Again. Sorry, Andy. At least you got 8th billing in the Ocean's 11 franchise.
March 3, 2009
- In 1986, at age 14, Grant Hill was abducted and held for ransom by a Soviet sleeper cell. Knowing that Hill's mother, Janet, had been a college roommate of Hillary Clinton (then Arkansas' First Lady), the Soviets sought to obtain space shuttle launch codes via ransom. The plan was foiled when Hill bargained for his release by presenting his captors with a nearly impossible riddle. Upon their incorrect answer, the kidnappers released Hill protecting valuable NASA secrets. Hill refuses to reveal the riddle and the answer to this day.
- Since the year 2000, David Robinson has overseen the production of what will be the first commercially available, manually piloted spacecraft. The prototype is called The Admiral and will be made public by 2015. The projected cost is $750,000.
- Former Los Angeles Clipper swingman Kenny Battle claims to have been abducted by aliens in the summer of 1989. Taken in to their spacecraft and interrogated for what felt like 2 weeks (in reality 16 minutes), Battle informed the space travellers of the basic traditions of human life. In return, Battle was gifted athletic shoe inserts made from an unknown polymer that helped him gain entry in to the 1990 Slam Dunk Contest.
- Prior to learning the game of basketball, Alan Henderson was locally famous in West Virginia for his stand-out performances at space camps up and down the East Coast. Tutored by the legendary Charles Brady, Henderson committed himself to becoming a United States astronaut. However, when his height exceeded 6'4", Henderson's dreams were dashed. After nearly 4 years of clinical depression, Henderson chose to play basketball and wore number 44 to commemorate the number of outer space trips that Brady had made.
- Many people think that Sam Cassell looks like an alien. Most aliens think he looks like the Pan's Labyrinth creature that had eyeballs in its hands. Additionally, most aliens consider themselves to look most like former Seattle Supersonics forward Jack Sikma.
- Critically derided as a children's movie upon it's release, 1996's Space Jam is actually a highly stylized documentary chronicling the Looney Tunes triumph over the Monstars. Producers felt that introducing animated elements would lend the story a fantasy element that would make it more enjoyable for mainstream audiences. A director's cut, with no animation, is to be included in the Criterion Collection version of the DVD, which should be in stores by Christmas of this year.