An Annotated Guide to Typical Clipper Fans

The above photograph was taken at last night's Clippers game. I have marked it up so that you can understand the different groups of people who choose to attend a basketball game of the worst team in the NBA. What follows is a color-coded description of these various groups.

• Light blue - various Bros
• White - the murderer from Pauly Shore's Jury Duty
• Red - failed central casting mobsters
• Yellow - Band of Horses hopeful
• Green - escapees from local mental institution Shady Oaks
• Lavender - bit players from multiple Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire

While this is only one game, this subset of people is generally the standard for Clippers games. In 2005, members of the cast from Crash had front row seats, marking the first time Matt Dillon has been considered an A-lister1.

Though it isn't commonplace, one actual star was sitting courtside last night.During a brief interview by sideline reporter Lauren Harrington, Cruz was quoted as saying, "ZEEZ ES BALONCESTO?! HOW DARES YOU TELL ME WHAT EEZ AND EEZENT BALONCESTO!! I AM ME AND I SAY WHEN EEZ BALONCESTO!!" Cruz then proceeded to break all of the ceramic dishes in the Staples Center.

The next time you're watching a Clippers game2, keep this guide in mind. And if you happen to end up next to Penelope Cruz, don't forget your ear plugs.

1. Except, of course, for the numerous times people mistakenly thought he was Matt Damon.
2. Never.