Tony Parker Rides a Scooter

Eva! You muss old on tights to ze Tonay! Ees vare dangeruse to vriding on ze street and to not old on to ze waist of Tonay. But do no worry, Evas. Tonay es a pro. Not like-a that Monty Ellees who hass nayvare seen ze streets of Parree by motorbike.

Oh, so beautifool, ze streets of Parree. Tonay love-a ze streets of Parree. Espayshully by ze motorbike. Tonay grew up on motorbike. So many time Tonay go to ze bistro to get ze baguette on ze motorbike.

Ze key, Evas, make-a sure zat you smile so beeg. Smile as beeg as you can make smile. I make-a sure to get you helmeet zat shows-a yo face. Tonay always thinking.

How to Make Friends in the NBA

Being a professional basketball player can be hard sometimes. Weeks and weeks are spent on the road. There are only eight months each year that millions of people watch you on television. And of course there are gold-diggers, haters, bustas, bammas, suckas, and haterz (way different -- note the Z). If you don't keep your guard up, you can get taken advantage of pretty easily. All these factors considered, it can be hard to make new friends. That's why you see so many players with posses of their old neighborhood pals, many of whom like to shoot guns and do drugs.

But meeting new people and making new friends is an exciting part of life. Every new person you meet could change your life, for better or for worse. For example, one time I met Seal, and ever since then, I've been training my voice so that I could be as great as he is. It's true that not everyone you meet is as awesome as Seal, so that's why The Blowtorch has created this handy guide to making friends, while playing in the NBA.

As you can see, there are four different groups of people that an NBA player can befriend. Let's discuss the pros and cons of each.

BROS

The Bro is just a normal person, who thinks it's the best thing in the world to meet a professional athlete. That's why they're so smiley. After you have befriended a Bro, they'll tell all their Bros that they're friends with an NBA player. At first, you'll probably think it's pretty cool, because they seem so chill, but it'll eventually get annoying when they ask you over to their condo and it turns out that there are 80 other people there who want a chance to see you. Not cool, Bro.

IMAGINARY CHARACTERS

You may think that the artificially created "friends" that you have constructed in your superior athlete brain are a nice way to escape the harshness of reality, but when those characters become your reality, things can get pretty freaky. On the other hand, free fries.

ATHLETES

This is probably your best bet. Not only can you and your new athlete friends go to the same clubs because you both have tremendous amounts of money, you also get a complementary Snoop Dogg, because he loves hanging out with athletes. However, you can encounter trouble if your posse and your new friend's posse clash (it's common knowledge that many posses contain haters, bustas, and haterz). Therefore, it's best to stick to partnerships arranged by your publicist. It's not technically friendship, but it's pretty close. Plus they can get you the matching outfits that all true friends wear.

"ACTORS"

Now, a real Actor (capital A) will not want to be friends with a professional athlete. They are far too devoted to their craft of pretending to be other people to lower themselves to befriending someone who plays a game for a living. However, "actors" (typically found in Michael Bay movies or the Disney Channel) will gladly befriend you. It makes them look cool by association. In all honesty, this isn't a bad move, since they have emptied the pockets of the parents of teenagers across the globe, and therefore have the money to kick it "Kade Style" at the hottest clubs. Everyone who mistakenly thinks they are famous, talented, or interesting knows that kicking it "Kade Style" is the best way to kick it.

After years of research, I've found these four categories are the best to look for new friends. Your new friends will be happy to be around you, and you'll be happy to not feel like the goofy tall kid in 4th grade. Win-win. Good luck friend finding!

Mike Brown Sons Shaq at a Freestyle Battle

Uh

Uh

I gets busy / Call me Big Shaq D

Or The Big Freestyle / Doesn't matter to me

Killin' fools on the mic since I been about six

Flow so ill / Get Tylenol sick

Rippin' rhymes, rhymin' raps like my name Jay-Z

I'm a bad mammajamma call me Shaq Ali

I done rocked this beat / Pass the mic to Coach

Call him Meek Mike / He too scared to approach

(Shaq drops the microphone and enters the crowd, celebrating his presumed victory.)

(After Shaq has returned to the stage, Mike Brown casually picks up the microphone.)

Call me Meek Mike / Well I guess he's kinda right

Since I'll inherit this Earth cause my flow so tight

Ain't no Terry Porter / Ain't no S-V-G

Just remember, Bron's one, I'm two, you're three

See that's how it goes / I'ma put you in your place

Basically you're here just to take up space

Get back in shape / So your fat won't cost us

Or I'll have to sit you for Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Steve Nash's Identity Crisis

This has been a pretty hard last couple of years for Steve Nash. A year and a half ago, the villainous Steve Kerr traded away Shawn Marion for one of the NBA's biggest Bros, Shaquille O'Neal. Steve was pretty sad because Shaq wouldn't get out of the way so Steve had to slow down. But it was still all good because the Suns were winning. Until they weren't. When Tim Duncan made that three to kill the Suns, a part of Steve died.

Steve kept it together for a while, but when it turned out that the Suns weren't going to be good anymore he started saying things like:

• "I don't care if I win a title."
• "Shaq is such a bro."
• "Can someone bring me some chicken tenders?"
• "I have sadness."

And now that Shaq is gone, Steve is super sad because of the Suns being bad. He doesn't know what to do with his life. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty much a psychiatrist, and I can tell that he's going through a crisis.

Whereas Steve Nash used to be one of the most fun-loving Dudes in the NBA, now he's a confused Dude. He tried setting up his anti-hot dogs coalition, but that failed because people love hot dogs. Now, he's just trying anything to feel alive again.

For instance, he tried modelling:

I understand that he's just trying to find something to do with his time that makes him feel productive, but it's kinda sad. He's not even modelling good clothes, he's modelling things that look like you could buy them at a Goodwill.

And then when his modelling job tanked, Steve started "really getting in to music." He'd wander the streets of New York, coming up with horrible melodies that can't even get made in to songs. Naturally, he started dressing like his favorite Canadian musician, Celine Dion:

That's pretty sad, right? Obviously it is. No one should dress like Celine Dion, including Celine Dion.

So after a failed charity, a failed modelling career, and a failed music career, Steve turned to what any cold-blooded Canadian would: women.

I don't know why he's done it, but I'm guessing it has to do with taking his mind off basketball. It's kind of like in movies about rock stars how they just want to have ladies around so they don't feel so horribly alone.

All of that is bad enough, but the latest news is that he's quitting basketball to play soccer:

Oh, Steve. I feel so bad for you. I know I wouldn't want to be a Sun right now either, but you are a basketball player. The soccer thing is cute and all, but you need to be on a hardwood floor, throwing bounce passes. Even if it's to players who aren't as good as you are, and even if you're not as good as you used to be.

As fans, we need to give Steve the support he deserves. If we don't, who will?

Kinda Worried About Tyler HansBro

Bros. I recently saw a picture of Tyler HansBro, and something is wrong.

If you've seen the 2002 documentary film The Ring then you already know what I'm talking about. Judging by the blurriness on his face, I'd estimate that HansBro has about 4 days to live. It is likely his buddy on the right is already dead (RIP Buddy).

Not cool, Sadako.

In that documentary, the filmmakers go in-depth trying to figure out what exactly happened to the girl that kills everybody in that movie. If you can't remember the sequence of events, here is a quick breakdown:

• Watch a creepy video.
• Face goes blurry.
• Tortured young girl comes and kills you.

Here is a diagram of what happened to the last Teletubby to watch the video.

RIP Teletubby

As you can see, Sadako ate the Teletubby's insides from the inside. It's horrific and I don't want that to happen to Tyler HansBro. Why you ask?

He is best Bro icon to enter the NBA in years.

With the continued irrelevance of Jason KaBrono and the increasing annoyance that is Shaquille Bro'neal, there has to be someone to step in to that void and represent for all the Bros in the world. Tyler HansBro is that Bro.

Besides, who is going to sell those Dockers?

These Dockers aren't going to sell themselves.

That's why it's troubling. We need Bros in the league, just like we need Bros in our blog posts. Without Bros, how would we know who is legit and authentic (i.e Dudes), and who is not legit or authentic (e.g. Bros).

I can only imagine Tyler's face when he saw The Ring.

Tyler's face when he saw The Ring

So not only have we lost a marketing superstar, we've also lost the last remaining Bro hope in the NBA. Now, there is no foil for Dudes such as Brad Miller and Greg Oden and Chris Bosh. Dudes need Bros, and Bros need Dudes. This is how the world works.

RIP HansBro:"Seems Like a Chill Bro"

Big News at Jamal Crawford's Press Conference

I'm not too worried about Joe. Believe me, I'll get my shots. Okay, next question...how about from the back left.

How do you feel about the NBA changing sponsors?

I hadn't heard that yet. What do you mean?

McDonald's is no longer the NBA's fast food sponsor. Now it's Taco Bell.

For real?

Yes.

I Have to Admit It's Getting Better

A brief recap of the #32 throughout Clippers history...