April 4, 2008

Scientists Create Horrific Basketball Playing Monster


BLYTHE, CA -- Late news emerged last night as leading experts in genetic recombination failed in an attempt to create the perfect basketball player. Doctors Nick Hansen and Adam Logalbo sought to merge the perimeter dominance of Kobe Bryant with the size and strength of Shaquille O’Neal, but were instead disappointed with their result.

“We thought we had the perfect plan,” said Logalbo, “Shaq’s size and Kobe’s quickness would be an unstoppable beast. We did not plan on the personality conflicts having this much impact.”

As former teammates O’Neal and Bryant were often at odds; the combination of these two opposed demeanors was known to be a problem but the doctors were unsure of the severity until the monster was hatched.

“Everything seemed fine at first,” Hansen said, “but once Shakobe tried his first dunk things went haywire.”

The doctors began the first work out with some short jump shots and then Hansen and Logalbo decided to test the monster by having him dunk. As Shakobe O’Bryant, the doctor’s name for the monster, rose to dunk, its brain was essentially scrambled by the contrasting messages being sent by each original player’s preference.

“We think the Shaq part wanted to tear the rim off with a two-handed jam, but the Kobe part would have liked a one-handed, soaring dunk,” Hansen said.

After landing from the failed dunk attempt, the doctors noticed that the monster had lost awareness and continually shouted, “I’m the best! No, I’m the best!” in differing voices. Though discouraged, the doctors have not lost faith in their project.

Said Logalbo, “our next study, combining Steve Nash and Tim Duncan, should go much better.”

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