December 18, 2008

On Hiatus

Due to various life things, posting at the Blowtorch will be minimal if any at all for the next two and a half-ish weeks. I don't have the time to commit to joking about Tony Parker. Upon my return from the Caribbean sea, I will be back.
Peace be with you.

December 16, 2008

1000 Words: Dwight Howard TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE David Byrne

The Maloofs Should Stop Calling Terrence Howard

Okay, guys, this isn't funny anymore. I am not Eddie Jordan, so please stop calling.

Do you people really think all black people look alike? I've won awards. I'm a well respected actor. And let me repeat, I. AM NOT. EDDIE JORDAN.

Didn't you see Crash? It won an Oscar, and I was riveting as Cameron Thayer, a television producer who is the victim of racism. Seriously, that scene when I get pulled over after Thandie is getting busy was amazing. You could see me trying not to cry, right? Trust me, it was good. I was good.

Maybe Crash isn't your thing. Well, I was in Iron Man, too. Yeah, THAT Iron Man. The one that destroyed any other superhero movie ever. I was in that. It was just a supporting role, but if you don't think I didn't bring some serious gravitas to my role as Tony Stark's best friend, Col. James Rhodes, you're a filthy liar. I was even supposed to be the star of the next one, but sequels are for suckers. And Don Cheadle.

So to review; in Oscar winners, in record-breakers, not Eddie Jordan. So please stop calling me, Mr. and Mr. Maloof.

Judging by your incessant calling, I'm guessing you've seen Pride, where I star as Jim Ellis, a guy who starts an all Black swim team. The premise seems crazy, right? But I made those kids GOOD. So I guess I can see why you'd think I'd be a great coach. If you can get Black kids to swim, you can do anything.

Or was it Hustle and Flow? You probably liked how great I was in that. The Academy did. I was very inspirational. I'm sure you're thinking, "this pimp turned himself in to a rap star, surely he can turn our team around." That actually makes sense to me; I'm that good. I'm Terrence Howard for Heaven's sake.

But I'm not Eddie Jordan.

Oh, no. I just realized what happened. You saw Sunset Park, didn't you? That'll always haunt me. I toss and turn at night, thinking of how many times people call me Spaceman. It's embarrasing. A 27 year old man playing a high schooler, with that old, busted broad from Cheers and a kid who looks like Skee-Lo; stupid. Hey, I needed the money, okay? That doesn't mean I'm a basketball coach.

And that certainly doesn't mean I'm Eddie Jordan, so stop calling me.

December 15, 2008

Tony Parker Apologizes

Oh, JoHAHN, Tonay Parcare ees a jus a keeedings weeth you. Ees like I make a ze joke for laugh and to laugh. Ees not a serious.

Sacre bleu, JoHAHN! I vreally do sink zat your widdle hairspray coach Scoot Brook lukes good. You know zat Tonay like-a the hairs spray. Tonay's wife LOVE-a ze hairs spray. Please forgives the Tonay. I-a don't mean for to hurt-a your feeling.

But about ze Scoot Brook, why he never let you make point JoHAHN? Does not Scoot Brook know zat ze French love-a to make point? And ze French love-a to pass ze ball. Luke at Borees. He only like-a to pass ze ball. Tell Scoot Brook zat JoHAHN need to pass-a ze ball.

Please forgives Tonay Parcare, JoHAHN. I make it up to you. Come weeth to my villa tonight, Johan. Tonay's wife Eefa vill be theres. Maybe she call her Ahmareekun friend Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher LOVE Tonay, so she love Johan too.

December 12, 2008

An Annotated Guide to How Sean May Disgusts Women

  1. Shields eyes to avoid an accidental glimpse of underarm floppiness.
  2. "Dad, this guy is SO fat."
  3. Transfixed by jiggling back fat.
  4. Refuses to look for fear of paralysis, vomiting, and temporary blindness.

December 11, 2008

The Differences Between Chris Mihm and Nick Collison

It's not unusual to confuse Nick Collison and Chris Mihm. They're both mostly irrelevant big white guys who share a passing resemblance to Adam Levine. Per request, here are their only differences, explained by handy chart:

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA


  • A new co-host is introduced.
  • Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
  • Trades are discussed.
  • Eric Snow is addressed.
  • Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

December 10, 2008

The Potential Grizzlies/Wizards Trade Explained

Supposedly, the Grizzlies are considering trading Javaris Crittenton to the Wizards for a conditional draft pick that they used to have which was traded for Juan Carlos Navarro who is no longer in the NBA. If that sentence seems confusing, it's because it is. The trade and the sentence.

Luckily for the world, I've created this high quality, extremely detailed diorama of the paths that these players and draft pick has travelled since 2007.


*Grizzard was considered, but rejected due to the additional confusion that may be caused by former Wizards swingman Rod Grizzard

December 9, 2008

Foiled Again

I thought I'd be able to trick Stephon Marbury with this letter, but he's a lot smarter than I thought.

Another Holiday Gift Idea

I like helping people. That's why, in my real life, I just walk around dispensing valuable advice to people less fortunate than me. I dispense such wisdom as "Hey, cheer up. Man," or, "I love it when you call me Big Poppa." Nuggets like these come easily to me, so I have to share the wealth.

It's for that reason, that I present to you a most excellent poster that you can give to friends and loved ones this holiday season:

Clicking on that picture will take you to a link where you can print out individual sheets that you can then assemble in to your very own James Jones/Skee-Lo inspirational poster. This is a great gift idea for anyone who likes James Jones, 90s one-hit wonder rappers, or laughing at jokes. Or, if that person is me, all three.

Plus, it's free. What can beat that?

December 8, 2008

The Entirety of My NBA Holiday Gift Guide

The Milwaukee Bucks Aren't a Great Draw

I get it. The Bucks aren't a glamorous team. Their jerseys are boring. They're a bad team. Their players are terrifying.

I understand.
It's no surprise that they don't bring out the biggest stars in L.A. For instance:

A lower tier "starlet" and her Adam Levine/Brody Jenner imitation boyfriend. Or:A knock-off Harrison Ford type.

The Staples center is a place to be seen, and since no self-respecting celebrity is going to waste their precious time watching a basketball game, why should any real celebrity attend. That's why you get has-beens and never-will-be's at a Bucks game in November. That makes sense to me.

Apparently, it makes sense to Phil Jackson too. How else can you explain him playing a Yi Jianlian knock-off?

All that being said, nothing will justify this:

C'mon people. I thought we were past the socks and Birkenstocks. I guess it's true what they say: You can't kill hippies, no matter how hard you try.

(No hippies were harmed in the making of this joke.)

December 4, 2008

Greg Oden Feels Pretty

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

December 3, 2008

It Appears That Travis Diener is Happy About Beating the Lakers

Guys. Hey guys. GUYS! Isn't this the best thing in the world?! This is totally, flippin' cool, man. I'm pumped. This is just so much fun. I mean, we WON. WE beat the Lakers. It was such a team effort. I just did what I could to help us win. This is so exciting. Oh, I could just dance all night! I mean, I know we've won before, but we totally won against the Lakers. That makes us the best team in the league, right? Right?

Oh wow. I'm so excited, I have to pee.

December 2, 2008

Robin and Brook Lopez Play Basketball Against Each Other

Robin: DUDE, let's mess with these guys. Like back when we used to tell Mom that I was you and she'd be all, "Brook stop eating Cheerios off the floor. And stop licking the walls!" She was SO mad. We've got to do something, exactly like that. It'll be AMAZING!

Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.

Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.

Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.

Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.
One. Two. Three.

Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!

Robin: Seriously.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: For realsies.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?

Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.

Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.

Brook: That is PERFECT!

Robin: One. Two. Three!

Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!

Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.

Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.

Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!

Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.

An Exclusive Holiday Offer

This is something that I mentioned on Twitter a while back. If you send me one US dollar via PayPal, I will draw a picture of what I'd guess you probably look like, based solely on a guess. This picture will be done in either marker or colored pencil (YOU CHOOSE). It will then be sent as both a hard copy and a JPEG to the addresses of your choice.

The first one, for friend of the blog Devine, turned out great. If you're interested, let me know in the comments and we'll figure it out.

December 1, 2008

The Annotated Derrick Rose Timeline

Since it's now December, and Christmas is fast approaching, I feel it's prudent to examine the origins of Chicago's basketball savior, Derrick Rose. Below is a timeline, along with some important information with regards to the dates that are shown. Study this, for it will be important for years to come.

  • October 4th, 1988 - Derrick Rose is born in Chicago of Illinois, in the days of Sawyer the mayor. His unwed mother, Brenda, was foretold of the birth and was instructed to name the boy "Derrick."
  • 1988-2005 - Little is known about the childhood and adolescent years of Derrick Rose. However, it is common knowledge that during this time, Rose was given his nickname "Pooh" by his grandmother. Furthermore, in 2006 and 2007, Rose lead Simeon High School to consecutive Illinois high school championships, becoming a hero in the city.
  • November 5, 2007 - Rose scores 17 points in his collegiate debut, a win over the University of Tennessee-Martin. This seemingly innocuous event would portend the success that Rose would soon enjoy, as he lead the Tigers over number 5 Georgetown University a little over a month later.
  • April 7, 2008 - After an outstanding performance in the NCAA tournament, Rose's Memphis Tigers lose in the National Championship game to the Jayhawks of Kansas. Though spectacular in the loss, Rose is seen as a microcosm of the Tigers' faults as he misses freethrows down the stretch. However, as Rose is not wholly to blame for the loss, he is seen as a beacon of hope for basketball fans around the globe.
  • June 23, 2008 - The Chicago Bulls leapfrog eight spots to the number one overall selection in the draft, positioning themselves to select Derrick Rose. Rose's return to Chicago serves as his anointing to angry basketball fans of the city. Upon arriving at the Bulls training facility, the entire contents of an alabastron are emptied upon his head, nearly ruining the contract that he has just signed.
  • October 28, 2008 - Rose plays in his first game as a Chicago Bull, forgiving the many sins of the team (Eddie Robinson, Ben Wallace, Tim Floyd). Soon after this historic event, the lame are healed, blind men see, and lepers such as Grant Hill become perfectly healthy.

This post shall serve as a historical document; one that will forever tell the story of how Derrick Rose became a symbol for hope and goodness in the city of Chicago. While heretics will persecute the believers, let it be known that Derrick Rose is real and that he is the way. No man can be perfect, but through faith in Derrick Rose, we can strive to be.