I Made It

The Utah Jazz Get Their Revenge

Last night I was watching Law & Order because that's what you have to watch if you want watch playoff games on TNT. It was the episode where a guy commits a murder and he thinks he's going to get away with it, but at the end, he ends up getting convicted. You know, that episode.

But I could see through Law & Order's ruse. This whole "show" was a sham. It was a sham show, operated by loyal Utah Jazz fans who have been holding a grudge against the Chicago Bulls for more than 10 years. Finally, through the power of television, they'd have vengeance.

The first thing that tipped me off was hiring Jerry Sloan to serve as fake prosecutor on this fake show about fake courtroom drama. I thought it was interesting how he played against type as a curmudgeonly, rule-following, authoritarian. It was a bold decision by the casting director, and I applaud Sloan for taking the chance. I knew something was up was when Jeff Hornacek showed up as the judge.

So you have Jerry Sloan and Jeff Hornacek working for the public, trying to convict a murderer, who had already been acquited once. Hmmmmm...TWO murders that are TOTALLY illegal and it's SOOO wrong that the murderer actually got away with it. Sounds familiar. Clearly, this is a case (pun) of the Utah Jazz saying that the Bulls didn't deserve their two championships in '97 and '98. Oh, and the murderer? Jud Buechler.

To recap, we have Jerry Sloan and Jeff Hornacek trying to send Jud Buechler to jail for the two murders from which he wrongfully avoided jail time. The only thing that could make this more obviously a smear job is if Buechler's lawyer was a certain athletic shooting guard.

That's right. Pete Myers was hired as the defense attorney. Obviously Jordan isn't going to support this mockery, and there's no way anyone would willingly put Scottie Pippen's wrinkly head on television. Pretty lame, considering he didn't even play for the teams that beat you.

And of course, the dramatic final moments show Pete Myers and Jud Buechler commiserating in their loss IN COURT. How could I forget? Two Utah Jazz beat two Chicago Bulls in court. That couldn't possibly be a coincidence that it sounds just like ON court.

Nice try, Utah Jazz basketball team. Real classy how you had to set up this elaborate plot to get over getting beat by the Bulls ten years ago. I'll be sure to tune in to your other Utah propaganda show, How I Met All Six of Your Mothers.

Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies' Shrinking Ray

Hi, I'm LeBron James, basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, MVP of the NBA, but most importantly, CEO and founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, V.A.S.T. for short.

For the past three years, V.A.S.T. has championed the advancement of science and technology, and has made many discoveries that will change your life. We've funded private space travel, travelled back and forth in time, and have even implanted hydraulic endoskeletons. And while our successes haven't yet been made public, all that changes today.

That's right. For the first time ever, V.A.S.T. will be performing a public testing of one of our newest products. We've been working on our shrinking ray for about a year now, and after doing some animal testing we've finally perfected the molecular biology that allows us to shrink any object to any size. In fact, that was the easy part. Getting the object back to normal size has been tricky, but we've got that covered too. So let's get this thing fired up.

Since this is such a new technology, we couldn't let our test subject know ahead of time what we'd be doing. However, this is totally safe, and my engineers have informed me that there is little to no chance of any injury. With that in mind, I'd like to present our test subject, Mr. Kobe Bryant.

As you can see in this "before" picture, Kobe fills out his suit quite well. It's perfectly tailored to his body, snug where it should be, but not restrictive. Keep that in mind while I set the V.A.S.T. shrinking ray to 85%. Here we go.

shoots Kobe with ray

Look at that! He's swimming in his clothes! And those headphones look enormous! Clearly, this is another in a long line of successes for V.A.S.T. Since we're not ready to debut our resizing program quite yet, we'll have to take Kobe back to our laboratories. But rest assured, he'll be back to full size in no time.

Thank you everyone for being here. Remember V.A.S.T. isn't just for me, it's for all of us.

Text Messages I Received During the Bulls/Celtics Game 7

These real life messages from real life bros were received between 6:37 and 10:32 pm Saturday night. It's like the Brad Miller remix of Texts from Last Night, only not made up.

-------------

6:37 -- Im nervous about a game i have no rooting interest in.

6:39 -- If i had one. I have subbed a raptors shirt.

6:53 -- How many tins of Skoal has Brad Miller gone through today?

7:02 -- Bangersssss

7:32 -- Thanks for basketball, God!

7:46 -- H8 big baby

7:58 -- Watching Brian Scalabrine guard Brad Miller is like stepping into a phantom tollbooth of delusional gigantism. Scalabrine is ginger Michael Rapaport.

8:04 -- It's uncanny. I feel after the game both of them are going to go home and listen to Mac Lethal records.

8:05 -- Do you think he and the professor listen to old cage records outside of the rucker?

8:07 -- Wait Scalabrine is El-P's gigantoid brother. How has no one realized this.

8:53 -- Rondo is a little girl.

9:28 -- Vinny Del Nego may employ a professional hair stylist.

9:29 -- The same one employed for Scott Baio and Willie Aames on Charles in Charge.

9:39 -- I think Brad Miller needs to start re-enacting Reservoir Dogs.

9:48 -- Nothing to be ashamed of.

9:53 -- F---ing gordon. Eddie house is an a-------.

10:01 -- Sad

10:02 -- Great run. Bright future. No shame.

10:02 -- the only consolation for brad miller is atmosphere albums.

10:06 -- They are not well coached. :/

10:10 -- There's a massive part of him that is glad this is over. Looked terrified. Do you think he'll grow into a decent coach? Mike Brown was atrocious his first year.

10:31 -- Longest line ever award.

10:32 -- It's like getting a Rondo award. Blech!

Every Celtics Fan Ever During Joakim Noah's Dunk

(h/t: Jens the Headless Chicken)

Incorrect Running Forms Arranged From Bad to Worst

Bradger On A Hundred Thousand Trillion

Remember back when I almost killed Brad Miller? That was a really dark time in my life. The world had turned to grey, and I thought I'd blown if for the Bulls and for Brad Miller. Maybe I had cursed him.

Like I always do, I listened to The Fray's "How to Save a Life" on repeat. As the song played over and over and over again, I found myself asking where did I go wrong? I had truly lost a friend, somewhere in the bitterness. I didn't understand it, really. Yeah, I'd posted a private moment for Brad. As any man knows, cutting off a beard is a HUGE step. I must have underestimated how closely guarded Brad is.

I knew things were going to be okay when Brad made his first three. When his celebration came out like kids in my high school who swore they knew the gang sign for the Bloods, that's when I knew Brad Miller was still alive. On the inside.