Lamar Odom's Shirt from the Future Has a New Girlfriend

I still remember the day we all saw Lamar Odom's future shirt. It was pretty exciting because we got to see the kind of clothes that we will all be wearing someday. I did a bit of research and found out that his shirt is named The Shirt, and is made of a polymer compound that not only adjusts to body heat, but also the wearer's mood. When I found out that last part, I was kind of sad for Lamar.

As you can tell from his face, he's a little confused here. But after reading up on The Shirt, I discovered that the reflective strips throughout The Shirt tighten when they sense anxiety. You can see how the shoulder strips are very bunched together, as if to say, "will there even be a future where I exist?" They could also be saying "which of these two hats should I choose?" The manual is unclear about this.

However, it appears that his Shirt has found a new reason to live. I found this picture of The Shirt and its new girlfriend Khloe Kardashian during my hourly perusal of every gossip blog on the Internet:

Look how straight and loose his shoulder strips are. His button placket is also very flat and elongated. These are both good signs. Not only does it ensure that The Shirt is working correctly (confirmed by his grin), it also proves that there is a use for this Shirt in the future, and that there will probably be a future where we all wear these Shirts.

Now, my only concern is that The Shirts will turn on us and Will Smith will have to save us, but he's really good at that so we should be fine.

RetroTorch: Andrei Kirilenko Gets Career Advice

"ЬЦT PЦH-PДШ, ЗЭF I CДИЙФT MДSTЗЯ ЭVЗИ ФЙЗ SКЭЗL, I VILL ИФT SЦCCЭЗD.

"ДИDЯЗI, MУ SФЙ. FФЯ ZЭ LДST TIMЗ, ЧФЦ ИЭЗD ЙФT MДSTЭЯ ДИУ SКЗЭL. JЦST ЬЗCФMЭ GФФT ЗЭЙ MДИЧ. ZЗЙ, MУ SФИ, ЧФЦ ШILL GЭT MДЙУ ЯЦЪLЗS."

"DД, FДSHД. I ЬЗLIЭVЗ УФЦ."

"VЗЯSДTILITУ, ДИDЯЭI. ZДT ЗЭS ZЗ MФST ЭЗMPФЯTДЙT SКЭЗL."

"DД, FДSHД. DД."

Wetsuit Shopping with Kevin Durant

This past Friday at the The Blowtorch Wetsuit Shoppe...


Kevin Durant: Yo. I need a wetsuit. You look like a man who knows wetsuits.
Trez Kerbz: I guess I do. You need a wetsuit?

KD: Yeah.

TK: Why?

KD: Because.

TK: Great answer.

KD: Chill.

TK: I don't even know why you asked me to help you if you're not going to say more than one word at a time. You're not Don Draper, Kevin.

KD: Jetskiing.

TK: You're going jetskiing?

KD: Indeed.

TK: When did you get a jetski?

KD: Today.

TK: Why?

KD: Dunno.

TK: Alright. Well try this on. It's a medium.


TK: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

KD: Not funny man. This is way too big.

TK: That's why I'm laughing.

KD: Man, I don't know why I even asked you to help me.

TK: Me neither. Maybe you need to try a ladies size.

KD: I'm not going to wear a ladies wetsuit. I'm a man.

TK: But look how wide that is around the thighs.

KD: GET ME A SMALL MAN'S WETSUIT!

TK: Okay, okay. I can't believe we even have these here. No one has bought one this small since Gilbert Arenas was planning his birthday party. Try this on.

TK: Looks great, Kev.

KD: Yeah.

TK: You don't really have a jetski do you?

KD: Nah, man. I just like the look.

Jon and Brad Make Lasagna

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A Couple of Hipsters Play Basketball

In Silverlake...Hipster at the Top of the Key: Hey, "pass" me "the ball."

Hipster with the Ball: Hold on, man. I'm going to try that hook shot Kareem used to do in the 80s. Style was so much cooler back then. Not to mention, I liked Kareem better back when he was Lew Alcindor.

Hipsters in Crowd: (nod heads with arms crossed over chest)

Hipster with the Ball: Foul. Chill out, this isn't a Limp Bizkit concert.

Hipsters in the Crowd: (snicker to themselves while nodding their heads)

Man in Disguise: Hey guys. Mind if I play?

Hipster Coach: Whatever, man. We can't tell you what you can or can't do. That's why we're in this league. We have the freedom that teams in major sports leagues don't have. That makes our brand of basketball a lot more authentic than those sell-outs.

Man in Disguise: Word.

(Man in Disguise runs an offense that no one else on the court knows.)

(Man in Disguise throws a back door pass to a cutter that isn't there.)

(Man in Disguise fends off the advances of Britney Spears, who just happens to be walking by in a bikini, since that's all she wears now.)

(Man in Disguise misses an open 15 foot jumper.)

(Time out is called.)

Hipster Coach: You need to relax, man. If you haven't noticed, we're trying to play with a detached sense of ironic cool. You're playing like a real bro.

Man in Disguise: I have to confess. I'm Luke Walton of the Los Angeles Lakers. I'm just trying to get in shape for the season, and I happened to see you guys playing out here. I got this mustache and bandana so I could fit in. No one wants to actually stand out.

Hipster Coach: Cool, man. We all love your dad. There's a few of us out here who look like him.

Luke Walton: I've noticed. Kind of weirds me out. He wasn't a great looking man.

Hipster Coach: You just don't understand us.

Luke Walton: That's probably true, for I am a Bro at heart. I'll be going now.

-------------

Phone rings playing "Lovegame"...Hipster Knicks Fan: What? Hipster Lakers Fan: You're not going to believe this. Luke Walton just came down to play at Silverlake. Then he left.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Of course he did. It's just like the Lakers to try and co-opt the counter culture. I'm so over the Lakers.

Hipster Lakers Fan: Poser.

Hipster Knicks Fan: Sell out.

photos via CobraSnake, Village Voice, the Dirty, and LATFH

A Couple of Hipsters Talk About the NBA

Grizzly Bear's alright, I guess. If you like glossy production and a complete detachment from humanity. Everyone knows Horn of Plenty is their best record.
(phone rings)
What up?
Wazzzzzzzzzup?

Really? Is this 1999?

I was being ironic.

Yeah. Hilarious, bro.
(rolls eyes)
So what's up?

Just calling to say how much more authentic the Lakers are. I mean, we're even more New York than you.

Whatever. I don't even care. The Knicks sold out when they hired Pringles. The teams with Marbury and Crawford were way more real. Way more street, which is what's important to me. I mean, I love mixtape rap. Plus, you're team is overproduced.

That's what you said about Neon Bible, too. You need to get over that. The emotions are still real. Ron Artest is real. Lamar Odom is real.

Kobe's so contrived it's humiliating. The only worthwhile guy on your team is Vujacic. At least he hasn't sold out. Plus he looks like the dude from Fischerspooner.

You didn't even know about Vujacic until I told you about him. Not to mention, he's gone mainstream. I can't believe how out of the loop you are. You probably haven't even heard of Chinemelu Elonu, who's my favorite Laker.

Sell out.

Poser.

Can you guys shut up? I can't hear this Limp Bizkit record over your incessant blabbering.

photos via CobraSnake and Village Voice

Rajon Rondo Loves Redbull

Hey, I'm Rajon Rondo of the Boston Celtics. I'm also a paid endorser for Red Bull energy drink. It gives you wings. Thanks for stopping by. Let's check out my abode. We'll start in back.

(Rondo drinks a can of Red Bull.)


Yo, this is my back yard. I mostly just like to come out here and drink Red Bull energy drink. It gives you wings.

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Yeah, I just like to come back here. Drink my Red Bull energy drink, which gives you wings, and then kind of just brood on my steps. I told my designer, "make sure you get me some brooding steps." And she was all like, "what are brooding steps?" So I said, "just like regular steps except you brood on them." Then she was like, "oh that makes sense." Then I was like, "did you think, like the steps would actually be brooding?" And she was like, "I just really wasn't sure what you meant." Then I was like, "yo that's crazy steps can't show emotions like brooding because they just steps which are made of stone." So she was like, "yeah."

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Let's go inside, yo. It's more housey in there.

Thistheinsideofmyhouse.

I just like sittin here drinking Red Bull energy drink that gives you wings but I ain't ever grow no wings so I think it's a metaphor or something humans can't just be growing wings like buzzards or something so I don't even get it but they give me SO MUCH Red Bull that I can't drink it fast enough and if it really did give you wings I'd have like a million wings by now.

(Rondo chugs a can of Red Bull.)

Let'sgocheckoutmygaragewhereIkeepmycarssinceitsagarageforcars.

(Rondo enters the garage.)

YoRedBullenergywingshookeditupwithasuperfastcar. Wegottadriveitrightnoworthewings.

HahayeahweflyinandIdon'tknowifthisiswhattheymeanwiththewingssincewe're

metaphoricallyflyinbutwegoinfastandIain'tevencareifwecutthempeopleoffbecause

thisisAmericaandit'safreecountrysoI'mallowedtocutpeopleoffifIwanttobecause

that'struefreedomandsupposedlysomepeoplethingImeantthinkthatRedBullmakes

youirritatedorshorttemperedbutlookatme.

DoIlookirritatedordoIlooklikesupersmoothandbroodingwithoutwingscauseofthefake
RedBullwingsexactlyI'mcoolbrosothat'swhyIsayRedBullwingdrinkdoesn'tmakeyou
irritatedandthat'ssciencelikethatmovieAnchormanright.

(Rondo's develops a heart murmur from too much Red Bull.)