Bad Decisions in My Basketball Life, part 1

Back in ’96, Grant Hill was the new hotness. He’d won rookie of the year two seasons prior and was coming off his first All-NBA selection, a year in which he also had his first signature shoe. Grant Hill was on the way to becoming the next big thing in the NBA, and with that, a marketing force.

You’ve got to remember that back in the day, Fila wasn’t the joke that they are today. Not only did they have endorsement deals with Hill, but also Jerry Stackhouse, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa. I had the first Grant Hill shoe. I had a red Pistons Hill alternate. I drank Sprite regularly. Needless to say, when the new Grant Hills came out, I was going to have them.

At that same time, Nike was preparing to release the Best Basketball Shoe Ever Created – the Air Jordan XI. Let’s take a second to enjoy how fantastic these shoes really are:Besides the fact that the new Jordans were amazing looking, they also had purple accents and my school colors were purple and white. Believe me, finding shoes with purple on them that looked decent was nearly impossible. These were pretty much the ideal shoe for someone in my situation. So, of course, I had my mom get me the Grant Hills.

It was a decision that haunted me for at least 4 years. I had a mom willing to drop serious cash on some shoes for a barely A-team 8th grader and I picked the stupid Grant Hills. They were good shoes, but in no way were they legendary. However, in the year 2000, Nike saved me from myself by retro-ing the Jordan XI’s in the original white/black/purple colorway. I didn’t make the same mistake. I called the night before the release, reserved a pair, and then took the day off school to get the Best Basketball Shoe Ever Created. That season I sported the XI’s (except for one game in orange Dunks), a huge Bill Walton fro or cornrows, and a headband on my way to becoming that year’s Most Improved Player1. I’m not saying it was the shoes, but it was probably the shoes.

1. Seriously. I looked pretty ridiculous my senior year of high school. I have a picture that will be unearthed soon.

The Devolution of Jason Williams

Setting: Pat Riley’s office, the day after the Shaq/Shawn Marion trade

Pat Riley: Jason, come here.

Jason Williams: Yes, sir. Sure thing, sir.

Williams enters the room and sits down, folding his hands in his lap.

What is it Mr. Riley?

PR: I doubt you’ve heard it yet, but we just traded Shaquille for Shawn Marion.

JW: Is that so?

Williams twitches.

PR: You bet. Shaq just flew down to Phoenix, and if he passes his physical, we’re getting Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks.

JW: continues twitching in a slightly more exaggerated manner

Wow. That’s off the hook, b! …. I mean, that’s great news, sir.

Williams begins jerking his head from right to left vigorously.

PR: Now Jason, we know you used to be a flashy guy, but we don’t want that coming back do we? You’ve been so steady for us. Just because Shawn is used to running and gunning, doesn’t mean that we’re changing our strategy.

JW: visibly bothered, Williams begins shaking.

No…not at all…must be mediocre.

PR: Are you sure you understand we need you to be the same guy you’ve been for us? Nothing you’d see on that And-1 stuff, or whatever it’s called.

JW: freaking out, rolling on ground.

What….ever….you…..UHHHH.

Williams stands up, head cocked, and lips pursed.
What up, Riles?

PR: Oh, no.

JW: You can’t hold me down, homie. You can’t step to Whit Eboy. Don’t front. I’ve got handles for days and dimes for years. Holla if you hear me.

PR: I thought this was cured.

JW: Ain’t nothing cured, son. I’m for real. I’m SO for real. I’ll be BALLIN now, P. Straight ballin’. This is the original. None better. White Chocolate, tall cheddar.

PR: Get Hubie Brown on the phone.

JW: Old man can’t touch me! You must be joking, Riles. You can’t contain this.

Williams begins pounding chest.

Elbow passes, holmes. EL-BOW PASS-ES.

PR: GET HUBIE BROWN ON THE PHONE!!!

Great News

Reebok is re-issuing Dee Brown's dunk contest shoes. I want them badly, but in the mean time, I'll be bidding on these gems.

A Letter from Boris Diaw to Shawn Marion

E’ Shawn Mare-ee-own, E’

I take-a yo’ shots, and I make-a yo’ shots. A ze Suns, a we-a don’ need-a you no mo. We gotta ze Shack-wheel, and-a ze Nawsh, ze Am-air-ee, and mos’ eem-por-tanlee, ze BORIS.

Ze Boris is ‘eer. No need-a to worry, about-a ze Phoenix Suns. I’m a gonna make-a you all forget about ze Shawn Mare-ee-own. ‘E a leetle poonk. (Ees-a zat how you say “Pee-Ooh-En-Kay?”)

I get-a yo’ shots. I get-a yo’ weebounz. I get-a yo’ wee-mens.

Zahnk you,

BORIS DIAW

Maybe Shaq Just Wants to Wear Purple Again

Grizzlies Plan First “Busts and Boobies” Lineup

Memphis, TN – After Friday’s blockbuster trade, Memphis Grizzlies coach Mark Iavaroni has been tinkering with the idea of playing his three young point guards with his two colossal failures.

Said Iavaroni, “I really think that if we can get Kwame (Brown) and Darko (Milicic) on the floor together, it will help people understand that these young guys we have now are pretty good by comparison.”

Acquired from the Los Angeles Lakers, Brown is widely considered to be the worst number one draft pick in NBA history. Originally drafted by the Washington Wizards, Brown was an immediate disappointment and was quickly shipped to the Lakers in exchange for Caron Butler and others. Nonetheless, Brown parlayed his athleticism and size in to a sizeable contract – one that Grizzlies will be all to happy to rid themselves of this off-season.

Iavaroni said, “Kwame’s been quite the disappointment around the league. We don’t expect that to change, but we’ve had Darko half the season, so we think we’re prepared.”

Milicic, a forward from Serbia, was drafted by the Pistons ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh. After sitting on the bench for a little more than 2 years, Darko was traded to the Magic where he failed to live up to expectations. This summer, Milicic was signed by the Grizzlies as a complement to the recently departed Pau Gasol.

Also acquired in the Gasol trade was rookie point guard Javaris Crittenton. A rookie from Georgia Tech University, Crittenton joins Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley, Jr. as the third point guard on the roster with less than a full year of NBA experience.

Though unorthodox to play three point guards and two centers, Iavaroni feels that the contrast in talent between the guards and centers will showcase just how good the youngsters can be.

“The way I figure,” said Iavaroni, “we’ve got nothing to lose. We’re barely better than the Knicks. Why not lose a few more games and draft Michael Beasley?”

Miami Can't Catch a Break

Seen in last night's Coca-Cola "Republicans and Democrats are Friends!" commercial (about 50 seconds in, after the "Arenas" game-winner):