January 31, 2008

And Now a Message From the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums


Hi, I'm Larry Hughes. You might know me as a professional basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, or for my time spent with the Wizards, Warriors, and 76ers, or possibly from that one Nelly video. What you might not know is that I've recently started the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums (FMSC). You see, ever since I was noticed at Saint Louis University, I've had to deal with taunts from opposing fans because my head looks way too small for my body. The FMSC seeks to raise awareness for people suffering from this all too common affliction. Let's hear some testimonies from fellow NBA players.

Marvin Williams
It's the strangest thing. Back when I was at the University of North Carolina, my head looked enormous. However, now that I've had a couple years of NBA strength training, people think I've got a tiny head. Believe me, it hasn't changed and there's nothing I can do about it. The Foundation for Men with Small Craniums has taught me that just because my head might look tiny, doesn't mean I'm small as a person.


Tim Thomas


I've heard it all. Pinhead. Peanut. Guy from Men In Black. They hurt. Do you know how hard it is to find a size 6 3/4 fitted to match my AF1s? Believe me, I wish my head was normal sized. I really do, but the reality is that it's not. Inside this miniscule head of mine, there's a full-sized brain with full-sized feelings. I'm glad to be a part of what the FMSC is trying to do, teaching communities that us with small heads can still be big winners.
Thanks, Marvin and Tim. You see, those of us cursed with such small heads really do hear your jeers. However, through our work, the FMSC hopes to spread the word about this unfortunate situation, so that people can understand that our small heads don't define us. They serve as a badge of honor, that we can overcome anything, if we can overcome this stigma.

The Foundation for Men with Small Craniums. Little heads, big hearts.

January 30, 2008

Quigly

First: I wish Julius Hodge had been better at basketball because he'd provide Gilbert Arenas quality silliness. (from Deadspin)

Second: BLIGGITY BLOG SHEEZY (Blowtorch appearance at 2:31):

January 23, 2008

Random Fact - Antoine Wright, pt. 9

Did you know that Antoine Wright is a descendant of a long line of dukes from the northeastern part of Latvia??
The Wrights amassed a great deal of their wealth through the trading of spices and elephant hides on the Latvian coast, founding a trail near the capitol city of Riga. Named the Riga Wright Crembly, the Wrights instituted a sort of honor system that required a tariff of 15% of all goods sold and 10% of all goods received, in effect garnering 50% of all money exchanged on each transaction. The Wrights used their money to fund a school for their relatives and closest associates.


Though initially intended as a science-based school, The Wright School for Elephanting and Taxation (a loose translation) quickly became renowned for its wealth of great teachers in fine arts. This basis in painting, sculpture, and mimery resulted in apprenticeships for visitors as varied as da Vinci, Michaelangelo, and Hugo. After serving these apprenticeships, the masters were then required to teach for a period of 1 year in the field of war strategy. By forcing these great thinkers out of their preferred study area, the Wrights were able to tap their great intellects for innovative war theories.


However, the Wright Empire was soon to fall. The advent of the Latvastonia Seapass (from Latvia to Estonia) rendered the Crembly obsolete, causing for the dispersal of the Wrights. Eventually, the Wrights made their way to the United States, where they continued to amaze. In fact, Antoine's great-great-great-great uncles Orville and Wilbur would become the first men to pilot an airplane.


The Wrights are among the most secretive and mysterious of the great families of the world. At times refusing to acknowledge their relation to generations past, the Wrights are characterized by a gap in their two front teeth and are known to proclaim their lineage through head adornments.

January 22, 2008

CHICAGO BULLS, MATHEMATICSIZED!!!

Having 68% of your shots be long jump shots
+
Shooting an eFG% of .428 on said jump shots
=
16-24

January 18, 2008

Yes, I Can Dunk: Reggie Miller

This is probably the best dunk mix I've ever seen.

January 16, 2008

The Ongoing Saga of Joakim Noah and Ben Wallace

Setting: the Chicago Bulls locker room after their most recent loss to the Orlando Magic.

Joakim Noah: Run dat beat, V.

Viktor Kryhapa plays instrumental to “Things Done Changed.”

Uh. Uh. I like this. Jo-No, baby. I’m a murda this man.

Joakim Noah begins rapping

Big Ben Wallace
Pig pen wallets
Dude washed up
Career done, I call it

Ben Wallace: IS THAT THAT RAPPING MUSIC TRASH AGAIN?

JN: continues rapping:

Spit hot fire
Like Omar from the Wire
Ol' Ben Wallace
Got Scott Skiles fired

BW: Dadgummit! I say turn down that noise pollution! Waaaiiiittt….what’d he say?

JN: continues rapping, now in Ben Wallace’s face

Yeah I said it
Had to be said
All up in your dome
Like that band on your head

Tyrus Thomas: OH SNAP!

BW: Youngin’ just plucked the wrong rooster.

JN: Ha ha! It’s ya boy!

BW: shoves Joakim Noah

You better watch your mouth, young man. Have some respect.

Luol Deng: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please. There must be some sort of agreement that we can reach, with regards to the hip-hop and/or rap music.

JN: Your hair is stupid.

BW: Your hair is stupid.

JN: Ain’t what yo momma said LAST NIGHT!

TT: OH SNAP!

Adrian Griffin: …..kids.

January 14, 2008

Why Joakim Noah Got Suspended

At the Bulls' training facility, Joakim Noah arrives to practice 37 minutes late.

Ron Adams: You're late, Joaquin.

Joakim Noah: Ey yo dunny, it's Joakim. Joe-uh-keem. Don't get it twisted, son,

RA: Ok...well, you're still late. You know the rules, one down and back for every minute.

JN: I ain't even feeling that. I'm here now. Let's ball.

RA: Not until you do your sprints.

JN: You must be outside your mind, joe.

Joakim Noah begins dancing.


RA: Stop dancing.

JN: Aight.

Joakim Noah begins rapping

"N.Y. Do or die. Hell's Kitchen. Know what I'm saying? Twenty blocks away from the Garden. That's how we do you. A lot of people over here pulling for the kid. Know what I'm saying? That's how we do. Hell's Kitchen, 51st Street and 10th Avenue. My block was here tonight. Coach, you don't understand, I have a reputation out here. Put me down, even if it's two minutes. Know what I mean? Just let me shine in the Garden lights."

Ben Wallace: TURN DOWN THAT RAPPING MUSIC!!!

JN: Aight. Bad Boy, baby.

Joakim Noah begins singing.


Adrian Griffin: My lord! That kind of conduct is quite unbecoming of a man of our principle. This youngster must suffer the consequences of his acts!

Jim Boylan: Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Can I suspend him for a game?

BW: One measly game?! Make it two, dagnabbit! That raps music ain't no good. All loud and mumbly.

JB: Sure thing. Please don't kill me.

January 10, 2008

How to Lose a Superstar

It seems like the Cavaliers have only made the wrong moves since LeBron James joined the team before the 03-04 season. Here's a quick but effective comparison of the rosters.


Point Guard
Advantage: Wash, but I hate Larry Hughes.

Small Forward
Slight Advantage: Now, mostly because Pavlovic could still improve.

Power Forward

HUGE Advantage: Then. Not really the Cavs fault, but Boozer getting away looks worse and worse every day.

Center

Advantage: Wash. Same strange looking Euro.

The Bench

Tiny Advantage: Now. I like Boobie, Varejao is decent, but both teams aren't exactly this year's Pistons or the 2000 Kings.
----------------------------
Entering LeBron's fifth season, the Cavs have made essentially 4 changes to their roster:
  • Lost Carlos Boozer. Once again, this wasn't their fault, but it happened and the Cavs are worse for it.
  • Signed Larry Hughes. Larry Hughes is my Eastern Conference Damien Wilkins. He's a thief.
  • Traded Tony Battie for Drew Gooden and Anderson Varejao. Two solid big men for Tony Battie is a steal of Larry Hughes stealing money from the Cavs proportions.
  • Drafted Boobs Gibson. After busting on Dajuan Wagner, Luke Jackson, Dasagana Diop, and Chris Mihm (all top 10 picks in the 2000s) the Cavs finally did something right in the draft.

These kinds of moves aren't the sort of thing that will keep the premier marketing force in the NBA in Ohio. However, the Ilgauskas and Hughes contracts have hand-cuffed the team to the point that they can't do anything besides these little moves. Yes, they did make it to the Finals last year, but that was a clear case of LeBron's dominance and not front-office acumen.

According to Hoopshype, the Cavs are going to be coming in to some serious cap space prior to the 2009 season, when LeBron will be 25 and in the prime of his career. That season will also be the last season prior to James' option year. If the Cavs don't make some serious upgrades that summer, look for LeBron to bolt. Consider this a warning.

Also: the Scottie Pippen, Mr. Submarine gem made Blog Show's YouTube of the week. Go check it out.

January 8, 2008

SAVE THE SONICS

Seriously, without the Sonics, where will Seattle get their warm, fleece blankets???

I don't know why, but I can't stop looking for terrible videos. It's an addiction.

Have a Look

Believe me. This video has some relevance to my latest Suns piece. Go read it and if you like it, send me a shiny quarter.

January 7, 2008

Scottie Pippen Will Endorse Anything

What? You don't remember when he played for the Pippens?

January 4, 2008

Yes, I Can Dunk: Kirk Hinrich



Sure, you have to go back to his rookie year. Sure, the YouTube results for "kirk hinrich dunk" are pretty embarrassing. Sure, 82games.com has his dunk attempts at 0.0%. But if you go to the 50 second mark in the above clip, there is video evidence of Kirk Hinrich dunking in an NBA game. In fact, the dunk was so good, Interpol named a mediocre single after it.

Of course, Hinrich used to dunk all the time in high school.

January 3, 2008

Race-Off: Anderson Varejao

Race-Off will be a (possibly) regularly occurring thing here on El Blowtorch. Basically, we’ll take a fellow of questionable ethnicity and examine if he’s “white” or “not so much” based on five essential categories.

Anderson Varejao is quite the conundrum. He’s tan-ish. He has huge curly hair. He loves falling on the ground. He doesn’t have much of an offensive game. Clearly, Anderson Varejao is a Race-Off candidate.


OUTSIDE SHOOTING – the trademark of the white player
Varejao is 0-13 from three in his career. Enough said.
Verdict: NOT SO MUCH
----------
ASSISTING – another stereotypically white quality
In 194 regular season games, Varejao has 134 assists and 128 turnovers. It’s not so much that he doesn’t get assists, he just doesn’t really get the ball. Or pass.
Verdict: NOT SO MUCH
----------
HUSTLE PLAYS – charges taken, diving on the floor, other things you see in Hoosiers
He’s almost as annoying as Ginobili with his flopping. Almost.
Verdict: WHITE
----------
COACHABILITY – more of a feel thing than any quantifiable characteristic
Varejao is one of those glue guys you always hear about. He doesn’t have a ton of athleticism, but he gets everything he can out of what he has. Basically, he’s a coach’s dream in that respect. However, he did have that whole contract squabble this summer.
Verdict: WHITE
----------
LOOKS – does the fellow remind you of a white guy?
Inconclusive, but his bouncing curls shade him a little to the Not So Much side.
Verdict: NOT SO MUCH
----------
In a close decision, Anderson Varejao comes out just over the Not So Much line. Race-Off does it again!

Previously: Andres Nocioni