All About The Blowtorch

About the Site
The Blowtorch, in its first incarnation, was founded nearly four years ago. Like most randomly started blogs it was personal, silly, and pretty bad. Random stories, things about music (I was writing a music column for the school paper at the time), and other generally unfocused ramblings. There’s not a ton of stuff from back then that I’m particularly proud of, but I was twenty. Whatever.

This period lasted for about a year before tapering off to The Blowtorch’s Dead Period. For roughly a year and a half, posting was scarce. Occasionally I’d imagine something that was post-worthy, but for the most part I was creatively drained. However, it was during the Dead Period that sports blogs really started happening. I started commenting here and there. I started reading this and that. Slowly, I started contemplating creative opportunities.

‘Twas a conversation with FreeDarko’s Brown Recluse, Esq. that finally got me to do something with what was in my brain. A soon to follow post, inspired by a Shoals piece, were my first real successes. Linked by Kelly Dwyer at TrueHoop, The Blowtorch was born again as you see it today.

About the Name
The name The Blowtorch (alternately Ze Blowtorch or The Torch) was born from a conversation that I had about five years ago. Whilst watching some episode of I Love the 90s featuring the Spice Girls I boldly declared that if I were to be a Spice Girl, I’d want a tough name like “Blowtorch Spice.” Thus a nickname was birthed.

About Me
This isn’t some overblown outing of myself. I’m small-time and not deluded enough to think that any mainstream media types are clamoring for my real name (even though Rashard Lewis’ agent constantly Googles himself – seriously). That being said, my real name is out there and easily found.

I play basketball, get injured, make music, hang out with humans, grow facial hair, and obsess about culture. I think robots are fascinating and terrifying. Major influences are Chuck Klosterman, The Beatles, Tom Green, Skeets, Kelly Dwyer, Wes Anderson movies, Dr. LawyerIndianChief, the mafia, John Hodgman, Tarantino, David Byrne, and a bunch of other music.

If you have a question, email me at theblowtorch[at]gmail[dot]com.

Great Successes
I Interview Chuck Klosterman

I Essentially Predict the Outcome of the 2008 NBA Finals Months in Advance

I Introduce Math to the NBA

I Unearth a Bunch of Great NBA Mustaches. And Beards.

I Nickname Kevin Durant

Recurring Themes
Tonay Parcare

Joakim Noah

MATHEMATICSIZED

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects

Additional Goathair Writing
Twitter

Born and Raised

Sports by Brooks

DeadOn

Ball Don’t Lie

Blog Critics

Steven A. Smith Interviews Joe Alexander

(click for video)

Steven A. Smith: Joe, you were drafted by THE Milwaukee Bucks. Congratulations!

Joe Alexander: THANK YOU, STEVEN A.! ... STEVEN A., AS YOU KNOW, THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS ARE A GOOD BASKETBALL TEAM! I THINK WE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS NEXT YEAR!

Steven A. Smith: Easy, bro.

Joe Alexander: "EASY, BRO" IS RIGHT, STEVEN A.! THE BUCKS ARE BACK!

Steven A. Smith: No! I mean, don’t SHOUT like that, my man. That’s my thing.

Joe Alexander: LISTEN, STEVEN A., I HAVE A DISEASE! ... I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! ... I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! ... THIS IS NOT "SHOUTING" -- IT IS TALKING!

Steven A. Smith: It's just-- couldn't you take a deep breath, lower your voice, or whateva?

Joe Alexander: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! I HAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERY YEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THIS HORRIBLE ... HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONE AT ANY TIME -- PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWO MONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!

Steven A. Smith: Gold dust, Joe?

Joe Alexander: OH, IT'S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, STEVEN A., A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABY DAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TO SLEEP! HUSH HUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! ... OR IMAGINE YOU'RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYER TO GOD! "OH, PLEASE, DEAR GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD! PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSO LET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!" THAT IS MY HELL, STEVEN A.! ... I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON ANYONE!

MAYBE ON YOU, STEVEN A., BUT NO ONE ELSE!

Steven A. Smith: Hey! Hey, that's mean!

Joe Alexander: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WAS ACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! ... BUT I CAN'T MUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! ... YOU JERK! THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU IDIOT!

Steven A. Smith: Just stop--

Joe Alexander: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!

Steven A. Smith: Will you stop, Joe?

Joe Alexander: I THINK I WILL, STEVEN A.! I THINK I WILL!

Eef Ees In Ze Game, Ees In Ze Game

Ah, yes, Ahmerrykahns! Tonay Parcare ees coming to a store near you. Das right, I, Tonay Parcare, veel be gracing de covare of ze best bassetball game in ze worlds, NBAs LIFES Two Sousand and Nine.

So yes, Ahmerrykahns, you can have ze Tonay Parcare een your own house. Een your own vroom. Eef you like, een your bed. But not zee vreal Tonay Parcare, unfortunately for you.

But, you know, eef you ask Tonay nicely, he join you in bed too.

The Blowtorch 2008 NBA Draft Manual

I put together a little document for tonight's draft. It's got the NBADraft.net Top 100. It's got the latest Draft Express mock draft. It's got a bunch of lists of players I like and don't like. It's even got a listing of the full order of the draft so you can follow along at home, adding in the draft picks as they are announced. Needless to say, this thing will be handy tonight. Download it, print it, study it.

Download The Blowtorch's 2008 NBA Draft Manual

UPDATE: Thanks to Todd, here's a mirror to the manual.

1000 Words: David Stern Through the Years

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects III

• Henry brought this up a little bit ago (fifth bullet), but I subscribe whole-heartedly to the "mock drafts are just conjecture" school of thought. If you don't have access, you're just guessing. What Skeets, KD, and their crew is doing is perfect. What does a team need, who will help, and why. That's exactly what you need from bloggers. Leave the prognosticating to guys like Chad Ford. They talk to people and can actually have some insight in to what a certain team is looking for. If you want to make your guesses, go ahead and make your guesses; I'd rather read about what YOU think a team needs and how they can realistically go about fixing that need.
• If you're looking for more actual draft insights, go to Ridiculous Upside. Matt's talented, and internet fam, and he also works along the lines of providing actual analysis rather than guesswork.
• Matt REALLY needs to buy a URL for Hardwood Paroxysm. That's way too long to type when you add the Blogspot nonsense at the end. Oh, I'll being appearing over there from time to time this summer.
• The Shaq diss on Kobe is definitely hilarious but don't believe for a second that Shaq was going off his head. He has this reputation that he's the NBA's funny guy for a reason. His persona is just as contrived as LeBron's is. Notice that the only time he's making jokes or goofing off are in instances when he's had time to prepare (press conferences, commercials, etc.), but when he's put on the spot (like in a locker room setting) he's intentionally dull.

An Impartial Review of Tyronn Lue

There are exactly three things that I always remember about Tyronn Lue:

One, he bears a strong resemblance to WNBA superstar Teresa Weatherspoon.

(actual size)

Two, there are two Ns in his name. Three, he was humiliated by Allen Iverson in the 2001 NBA Finals.
(see the 6 minute mark for Iverson sonning Lue)

Obviously, my Tyronn Lue game isn’t up to snuff. But with technology, I can get caught up on the intricacies of Tyronn Jamar Lue. For instance, I just learned that Microsoft Word does not recognize the names Tyronn, Jamar, and Lue. Consider them added to the dictionary. And consider that a big win for technology.

Tyronn Lue’s 2007-2008 basketball season was largely unsuccessful. Tyronn started as a back-up point guard to the widely acclaimed Anthony Johnson on the Atlanta Hawks. Though that, in and of itself, is saddening, if we rewind roughly one year, we’ll see that Tyronn was one of the reasons the Hawks needed a point guard so badly in the 2007 Draft.

You see the Hawks had this problem with drafting forwards. Much like myself and any pair of dress pants that are long enough, the Hawks horded forwards. And just as I have four pairs of khakis that are the same color but different brands, the Hawks had a gaggle of athletic forwards but no one to pass them the ball. Divorced from emotions, this is a basketball problem; but when connected to the roster, Tyronn Lue was sad.

Nonetheless, Lue soldiered on. Though slotted behind Johnson, Tyronn outperformed both him and rookie Acie Law. However, when the Hawks had the opportunity to acquire the formerly good Mike Bibby, Lue and his 3.5 million dollar contract became expendable.

Strangely enough, Lue was widely recruited following his buy-out from the Kings. Though there was a hard push from the Phoenix camp, Lue decided to sign with the Mavericks, choosing to sit behind future Hall of Famer Jason Kidd rather than behind future Hall of Famer Steve Nash. Both teams went on to flame out in this year’s playoffs, proving that pursuing Tyronn Lue is a death wish.

The story of Tyronn Lue’s 2007-2008 season can be summed up like so: reason for worry to afterthought to pleasant surprise to trade bait to buy out to mop-up duty. Lest you become too sad for Tyronn Lue, please remember that he still made 3.5 million dollars this year for playing basketball.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Summer Movies

Special to Ze Blowtorch, Kevin Garnett reviews the latest summer movies.

Iron Man

-------------

The Love Guru

-------------
Get Smart

-------------
The Happening

-------------

Don't Mess with the Zohan

Celebrity Reactions: Joakim Noah

Ah, for real, son? The Celtics won? The Boston Celtics? Ain't they got, like, Scot Pollard or whatever? That dude is HILARIOUS. Always holdin'. That's my boy.



You wanna hit this?

Shane Battier MATHEMATICSIZED!!!

-
+
-

=

World Premiere: Kelly Dwyer on the Guitar

A Blowtorch original:

Celebrity Reactions: My Fiancee

It's over? Cool.

We need to get a limo and a cake. We need to figure out flowers. We have to pick which food we're going to serve.

I think I'm getting our invitations from the same place as the save the dates. They had really good customer service.

I love you.

Do you want to watch a movie tonight? We've had Gone Baby Gone for two months. I'm sad Top Chef won't be on tonight. Call me on your way home...

(note: thanks, Fiancee, for putting up with this NBA nonsense all year. Love.)

Celebrity Reactions: Tony Parker

Oh, ze Bostone Celteeks haf won-a ze tie-tell. A-zo Tonay Parcare ess varry sads, he steel ess happy for-a ze Celteeks. Espessalley ze Rayzean Rondo. Such-a smooth skeen and preety eyes.

Maybe ze Rayzean Rondo wanta to join-a Tonay and-a Eefa in ze bed? Maybe ze Rayzean wanta to sex-a my wife? Maybe ze Rondo, maybe he want-a baguette? UH-HUH-HUH, BAGUETTE!

Tonay Parcare don't know. When he wass champeen, he sex-a EFFRYSING. Ees-a up to you Rayzean. You no sex-a my wife, maybe Crease Paul vill.

Celebrity Reactions: Hillary Clinton

C'mon, Lakers. You're still in this! You can do it. It's not over until you say it's over.

Kevin Garnett Intenses Twitter

Kevin Garnett's current Twitter status:

An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters

Dear People Who Write Open Letters,

The people you're writing to never read your letters.

With Love,

goathair

For My Next Trick...

Silly, fools. How dare you question my tactics? You forsake me in the name of Glen Rivers. Do you not recognize me as Master? Do you not remember my timeouts? Never forget my timeouts. They are legendary for a reason.

Nonetheless, doubters, I shall prove myself to you once again. How? I will show you.

I SUMMON THE POWER OF CHRISTOPHER STEVEN MIHM!

Chris Mihm: Really?

GO FORTH AND DO MY BIDDING!

Yes, Christopher. Well done. You have served your master well. Now, show yourself to those who adore you. Bask in their revelry.

Remember, doubters, my Los Angeles Lakers have never lost a Finals game that featured Chris Mihm. Never shall you doubt again.

Never.

Miracles Happen

It's usually beyond the scope of the Blowtorch to discuss religion, but if this doesn't signify something, than I don't make jokes about foreigners. What you see below is an electronic mail message from the pastor that will be performing my marriage ceremony.

Klosterman said that for one decade, God cared about NBA basketball. Maybe he's a really big Lakers/Celtics fan, because it's a blessing that I don't have to reschedule my marriage counselling in order to liveblog.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects II

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects is where I go to clear my head.

Game 4
- There isn’t really anything that can be said about this game that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll elaborate on a few things that were notable to me.

- I had been talking to Matt and Skeets earlier in the day about how there hadn’t been a really notable game since Game 1 of Suns/Spurs and that all the big storylines thus far in the Finals had been negative (Pierce’s knee, foul nonsense, Donaghy, etc.). Last night changed all that. This was easily the trademark game of this year’s season. It’s ironic that is was an Eastern team over a Western team.

- This is the best dramatic commercial I’ve seen in years:

- For all of Doc’s terrible speeches, he did a fantastic job of coaching last night.

The Internet
- A blowout first half, followed by an incredible comeback, followed by a dramatic finish are the perfect circumstances for a liveblog. You get to talk about whatever’s clever in the first half, and then have exciting things happen in the second. Throw in actual insight throughout and it’s amazing. A huge thanks to Skeets for putting me on over at BDL.

- I’ve considered shutting down the Blowtorch after this season, but in lieu of things that have happened in the last week or so I've realized that was silliness. However, that line of thinking got me wanting to do more "stuff." I don’t know what that means quite yet, but when I figure it out, it’ll be awesome.

- I love that my government name and internet name are used interchangeably in Blogfrica. It’s very Wu-Tang Clan. Now I need to add a “street name,” which I’m hoping will be Trey Stacks.

The Carter 3
- First and foremost, this is NOT a classic album. You cannot have a classic album when only five or six of the beats are any good.

- I think the main reason that Wayne’s mixtapes are so good is that he got to use whatever beat he wanted, then he’d just imitate whatever the original dude’s flow was, and add his Wayne shtick. That way, he sounded natural on the beat but was still doing something different with his metaphors or whatever.

- The thing I HATE about this record is that there are so many songs that have the terrible Southern hi-hat and snare. I can’t stand those things. They make everything sound cut-rate.

- Here’s what would make me really like a Wayne album: work exclusively with the Neptunes and Timbaland to make a sci-fi record. Those beats, coupled with Wayne going off on some space ish would be thrilling.

- If C3 results in a new business model with rappers releasing big mixtapes incessantly the mixtape game is going to get watered down VERY quickly.

Greeting Cards for an NBA Blogger's Significant Other

Moments in Historical Ineptitude with Lamar Odom

The Garden of Eden Eve: Let's get an apple from that tree.
Adam: I don't think that's such a great idea.
Lamar Odom: Dude, it's just an apple.
-------------
The Trojan Horse

Lamar Odom: Hey, guys, free horse!
-------------
Great Chicago Fire
Lamar Odom: Mrs. O'Leary, I let your cow out. He'll be fine, right?
-------------
Titanic
Lamar Odom: We'll be able to get through that ice for sure. This thing can't be sunk.
-------------
Apollo 13
Jim Lovell: Houston, we've had a problem.
Lamar Odom: What? You're breaking up. I'm hanging up now. click

Chicago Bulls Hire My Friend as Head Coach

Actual text messages I received after it was announced that the Bulls were hiring Vinny Del Negro:

"seriously?"

"schmitt"

"just so u know his name is spanish for vincent of the black"

"vinny f ing del negro? is this a joke?"

Needless to say, I'm VERY excited for the Del Negro era; even if it's just for the jokes.

Inner Thoughts with Leon Powe

Rajon Rondo: Here. (pump fakes, jumps, spins, and throws an off-balance pass to Leon Powe)

Leon Powe: What do you want me to do with this? Dribble?

Alright. I guess I can take a dribble until you’re ready.

(takes a dribble)

Aren’t you guys going to guard me?

Phil Jackson: What is this “guarding” you speak of? Existentially, if we were to ignore this matriculation, then said matriculation would cease to exist. One need not guard that which does not exist.

Leon Powe: I’ll take one more dribble then I’ll stop. Get this to someone who can handle it. Or Rajon.

(takes another dribble)

Seriously, guys. Are you messing with me? I’m Leon Powe and I’m dribbling up court. At full speed.

Kobe Bryant: Does he know me? Do I know this guy? I don’t know this guy.

Lamar Odom: (thinks about unicorns and robots)

Leon Powe: This is a joke, right? I’m getting close to the basket now. I’ll stop if you want.

(takes a dribble in to the lane)

Pau Gasol: Habla Espanol? Me gusta mi barba.

Leon Powe: Okay, I’m dunking now. Just so you know, I’m going to dunk.

(throws down a fierce dunk)

Phil Jackson: Guarding is such sweet sorrow.

Lamar Odom: (thinks about dinosaurs)

Pau Gasol MATHEMATICSIZED!!!

+
=

33 Redux

Deep in the annals of Blowtorch lore are nods to Chuck Klosterman as my main inspiration for entering the writing world. Of course, it's easy to see his influence in everything that I write not involving Tony Parker soliciting people to violate his wife. ANYHOW, this is a long-winded way of saying that I'm a huge Chuck Klosterman fan.

In Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs, Klosterman examines the diametrically opposed nature of the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers of the 1980s. Once the Finals match-up was set, I returned to the book to see what additional knowledge I could gather.

"Wouldn't it be awesome," I thought, "if Chuck Klosterman addressed these two teams again?"

The answer, obviously, is yes. It would be awesome if Chuck Klosterman addressed these two teams again.

And that's exactly what you see below.

I make up a lot of stuff around here, but this is legit. I put together the questions (stealing two from the original essay) and Chuck answered them. Please enjoy.

-------------

QUESTION #1 - "What kind of bear is best?"

Celtic People traditionally support grizzly bears. KG and Pierce are both grizzy-like, although Ray Allen seems more like a superstitious panda. Laker People prefer the Galician brown bear, which is native to northwest Spain and can be acquired in trade for two dead rabbits and a case of Zima.

QUESTION #2 - "Which candidate deserves my vote?"

This is a tricky question: When I break humans into the categories of Celtic People and Laker People, I am (generally) only using the teams from the 1980s that were diametrically and metaphorically opposed. It's harder to make this distinction with the modern squads; they seem less symbolic and more similar. I feel like Kendrick Perkins would probably vote for McCain and Luke Walton would support Hillary. Kobe would vote for whoever was ahead in the polls. I bet Phil Jackson is soft on crime and Doc Rivers hates NAFTA. This is all probably a moot point, however. I have to assume Barack Obama does not have to worry very much about dominating the NBA vote. If 80 percent of southern Ohio was composed of professional basketball players, we would be out of Iraq by 2010.

QUESTION #3 - "Who would win in a fight, a ninja or a pirate?"

Kobe likes to call himself the Black Mamba, which is a somewhat reactionary ninja name. I suppose Rondo is something of a pirate moniker, but it's probably not that simple. Besides, the last true ninja in this rivalry was Michael Cooper.

QUESTION #4 - "Is Adam Sandler funny?"

No.

QUESTION #5 - "Where should I get my news?"

Celtic People get their news from the New York Times web page, the print edition of the Cincinnati IEnquirer, Grit magazine, anecdotal conversations with drug dealers, The Bill Simmons podcast, John Stossel, the subtext of Cormac McCarthy novels, and their own dreams. Laker People get their news from episodes of 24, The Huffington Post, billboards, the users guide for GTA4, unicorn-themed Tarot cards, Diablo Cody's tumblr account, Chinese menus, and Andrew W.K.

QUESTION #6 - "What late night talk show host should I watch?"
I don't think I've watched any of these shows in something like nine years. It's difficult to watch TV at night. It's inconvenient.

QUESTION #7 - "What socially irresponsible rap music should I support?"
The problem with this question is that rap isn't as socially irresponsible as it used to be. Garnett makes everything look difficult and emotionally painful, so maybe Celtic People need to buy more DMX records. The easy answer for Laker People (because of Kobe) is obviously R. Kelly, the only problem being that he is not a rapper. There really isn't a Nas figure on either on these rosters, although maybe Lamar Odom comes close. As for Eminem ... I heard this rumor that he has hidden himself away in some remote location, grew a beard, got depressed, filled an entire refrigerator with Mountain Dew and Sunny D, and now just sits around taking painkillers and thinking about the end of the world.

Oh, wait ... that's what I'm doing right now.

Never mind. L.A. in five games.

1000 Words: Even If You're Not Watching Them, They're Watching You

From my car this morning...Something BIG coming tomorrow.

Random Fact, part 12 - the Los Angeles Lakers

These Finals are being covered from every angle. Well, almost. The Blowtorch is here to fill in the gaps.
Kobe Bryant – owns a small chain of steakhouses in and around Philadelphia where he refuses to serve Kobe beef products since he is “done with beef.”

Lamar Odom – dedicated World of Warcraft player. Username is Modo Ramal.

Pau Gasol – recipient of experimental facial hair transplant that negates the need to shave.

Luke Walton – shoulder tattoo is a nod to his favorite store, Express Men.

Derek Fisher – prefers Sammy Hagar to David Lee Roth.

Jordan Farmar – born with a 6th finger on his left hand that was removed at age 3.

Sasha Vujacic – HATES the nickname “Machine,” but loves actual machines.

Vladimir Radmanovic – collects vintage fax machines.

Ronnie Turiaf – was once featured on a instructional dance tape called D-Gwon’s Dance Grooves.

Trevor Ariza – is the first Trevor in recorded history to dunk a basketball.

Chris Mihm – holds patents on over three inventions.

DJ Mbenga - While living in a refugee center, he was discovered by Belgian basketball legend Willy Steveniers, who eventually served as Mbenga's personal basketball mentor.

NBA Players Who Are Smarter Than Robert Horry

NBA PLAYERS

WHO ARE SMARTER THAN

ROBERT HORRY

BY GOATHAIR

----

Steve Nash
Tim Duncan
Shane Battier
Eddy Curry
Zach Randolph
Stephon Marbury
Jamal Crawford
Jerome James
Nate Robinson

Inspired by McSweeney's Lists