Zach Randolph's Classic Basketball Pranks

It's widely known that professional athletes love to play pranks on each other. In baseball, one of your teammates will set your foot on fire and call it a "hot foot." In football, rookies are often duct taped to goalposts then left to starve in the hot sun. In hockey, it's a rite of passage to have your jugular slashed by a rusty skate in a little joke called "icing." It's all in the game, and it's super fun because most of the time, no one dies.

Basketball is a little different. Since there isn't a ton of extra equipment, pranks generally involve making rookies carry bags or wear pink. But one man has changed all that. One man has the know-how, and the elbow grease, to invent classic pranks. That man is Zach Randolph.

seems like a chill bro

Here are a few of the now legendary pranks that Zach Randolph has pulled in his NBA career:

The Post Up

During his second season with the Blazers convinced his teammate, Chris Dudley, that he needed a defender to work against in the post. Randolph then posted up Dudley, spun and threw in a left-handed hook shot. The next time, rather than spinning and shooting, he slapped Dudley in the face as hard as he could. Hilarious!

The Ball Handling Drill

After being traded to the New York Knicks, Randolph arrived early to practice and found David Lee working on his jump shot. Randolph offered to show Lee some perimeter moves, which Lee gladly accepted. Randolph dribbled between his legs twice, stood up, slapped Lee in the face, kicked him in the genitals, then threw the ball off his back, collected it and laid it in while yelling "AND 1!!" Gotcha!

The Slap

This is one of Randolph's favorite pranks, and he has used it throughout his career. Basically, he just slaps whoever is closest to him in the face, without warning. Pretty effective!

The Upper Decker

Many thought that Randolph's pranking days had passed following his trade to the Clippers. DeAndre Jordan found out that wasn't so. His first day reporting to the Clippers, Randolph brought a duffel bag full of semi-poisonous snakes, which he used to fill the top shelf of Jordan's locker. When Jordan opened the locker and the snakes started hissing, he ran frightened. When he asked who put the snakes there, Randolph slapped him in the face and said, "Nice snakes." Burned!

The Grizzlie

Upon arriving to Grizzlies training camp this summer, Randolph brought with him a heavily sedated brown bear. As coach Lionel Hollins gave his opening remarks, Randolph stabbed the bear, skinned it, and slapped it in the face for good measure. Symbolic!

New Signature Shoes

I was on the information superhighway earlier today, transversing the shoe blog exits when I found the following shoes. It took some digging, but I was able to find out which shoes belong to which people. Let's take a look.

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Dahntay Jones

As the head of a growing consulting company, I'm a little surprised that Dahntay Jones's people are supporting a shoe like this. I mean, he's kind of already got a rep as a "dirty player," and wearing shoes with a bunch of tiny knives on them isn't going to help. However, in this economy, you've got to do what you can to bring in money.

Grant Hill

Aside from his basketball skills, piano skills, and strikingly large ears, Grant Hill is most well-known for his ankle injuries. Putting him in a fancy splint isn't just good business sense, it's also a nice step towards rebranding Hill's various maladies. If you can convince people that hurting your feet is cool, then maybe they won't think his massive contracts were a colossal waste of money.

Kobe Bryant

His last signature shoe, the Zoom Kobe 4, was about as minimalistic as a basketball sneaker could be. Until now. Yeah, these are ostensibly high-tops (compared to his previous lows), but the removal of all nonessential material is pretty amazing from a design standpoint. Furthermore, since it's Kobe, you know he has the newest features, such as a sole that has no cushioning, which somehow still provides cushioning.

I'm constantly amazed by the innovations in shoe design. As soon as Blowtorch Consulting gets big enough, we'll probably land a deal with a brand and then make amazing shoes. Until then, enjoy these player editions!

Hasheem Thabeet Throws a Barbeque

Hey, guys! It's almost time to tha-eat.

Thameet is just about ready to tha-eat, so come up here and get what you want. Then take a tha-seat on the concrete.

We've got hamburgers and hot dogs and a bunch of bun choices . We have white bread and thawheat, so take your choice. Thawheat is a little healthier, but it also gets soggy faster.

Hey, Marc! It's good to see you. I like your khakis, especially thapleats. Oh, and thanks for bringing thabeets. I'm usually not a big fan, but they're alright in salads, though I prefer those to be thasweet, rather than savory. Anyways, I better go thagreet some more people.

Oh, everyone. I want to remind you to be careful around the flowers. They thasecrete some kind of scent that attracts a lot of bees. It's nice out, and they love thaheat, so just be wary.

I'll be bringing out thasweets later, but I'll be bringing them out thadiscretely, so as not to cause a massive feeding rush. I made a whole thasheet of brownies. They're delicious.

And no, OJ, you won't need your thacleats. We play wiffleball in thastreet.

Ryan Anderson Confuses Fruit

Oh. My. Gosh. Look at the size of that owange. That is the biggest owange I have evow seen. I am going to eat that owange SO fast and it's going to be SO good. Wyan weally wikes owanges. Thank my wucky staws foah this enoahmous owange.
Oh, owange. I am so happy to eat you. You will be sweet and dewicious in Wyan's bewwy. If I didn't eat you, owange, I would want to mawwy you and maybe go see the new Hawwy Pottah movie togevah. You make me so happy, owange. I am sowwy to eat you, but you awa a big yummy owange so I must.

GWOSS! GWAPEFWUIT! YOU AWEN'T AN OWANGE AT ALL! HOWA DAWA YOU! You awa too souwa! I fought we wewe fwiends! You twicked me, gwapefwuit. I will NEVEWA eat a gwapefwuit again because you awa SO mean. You taste wike souwa poops. Gwoss. You awa the wowst fwuit evewah.

Luke Ridnour Misses the Point

Mo Williams: This new commercial is going to be insane.

Rashard Lewis: For real, we look tight.

Kevin Durant: Yeah.

Rashard Lewis: Who else they got comin'?

Mo Williams: I don't know. You know, Kev?

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: I think Iggy coming. And I heard Luke Ridnour was coming, but that can't be true.

Mo Williams: Who is Luke Ridnour?

Rashard Lewis: He play for the Sonics.

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: Oh, right. He play for the Thunder.

Kevin Durant: No.

(door opens)

Mo Williams: Iggy! What up?!

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

Rashard Lewis: You bring anybody with you?

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

(door opens, knocks over Connect Four game)

Luke Ridnour: Hey, guys. Did I do that?

Mo Williams: Who dat?

Kevin Durant: Ridnour.

Williams/Lewis: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Luke Ridnour: Awwww, not again. They said "dress like the early 90s." They specifically said EARLY 90s. Why does this always happen to me?

Williams/Lewis: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

Oil Prospecting with Joakim Noah

At Joakim Noah's house...

Trez Kerbz: I have boredom, Joakim Noah. There is boredom in me.

Joakim Noah: For real, son. Let's do something then.

Trez Kerbz: Like what?

Joakim Noah: Let's get some oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: a) Why would we get oil? And b) How are we going to get oil?

Joakim Noah: You kidding? Oil is like gold, but, like a liquid.

Trez Kerbz: Liquid gold.

Joakim Noah: Word, son. We need to get that oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Sure. How?

Joakim Noah: Yo, throw that ice pick in the ground.

Trez Kerbz: Why do you have an ice pick?

Joakim Noah: Why do only certain birds eat certain bird seed? Why did old-time sailors think manatees were mermaids? Why we hangin' out? You ask too many questions, man.

Trez Kerbz: Whatever. So, you think I just throw this ice pick in the ground and we'll get some oil?

Joakim Noah: Word. Get a bag though.

Trez Kerbz: Why?

Joakim Noah: For the oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Right. (throws ice pick, oil starts spurting)

Joakim Noah: YEAH, SON!

Trez Kerbz: I cannot believe that worked. (copious amounts of oil continue to spurt)

Joakim Noah: GET THAT OIL, SON! GET OIL!

Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:

Robot Legs

For: Greg Oden

Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.

Hook for a Hand

For: Lamarcus Aldridge

Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts

For: Jerryd Bayless

Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.

Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.

Nunchucks

For: Brandon Roy

Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.

Disadvantages: None.

Muscle Milk

For: Nicolas Batum

Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.

Disadvantages: For bros.