1000 Words: Missed You, Brook

Oh, Brook Lopez. Sometimes you make it too easy.

The Differences Between Anthonys

The NBA is a big place. There are over 15, 000 players currently playing and it's understandable to sometimes get confused about who is who. Trust me, I know. One time, I mixed up Tony Dumas and Richard Dumas and felt like a jerk for upwards of 8 months.

But that's not the point right now. The point right now is the various Anthonys who are in the NBA. Did you know there are nine current NBA players who have Anthony as a first or last name? I did. I did the research. Furthermore, did you know that greater than 25% of NBA players have Anthony as a middle name? That's true, too. Players such as Brad Miller, Andrew Bynum, Francisco Garcia, and Joakim Noah all share this middle name. In fact, Anthony is even the middle name of Carmelo Anthony, making him Carmelo Anthony Anthony. I know, it's hard to believe but I wouldn't make that up.

Even more confounding is that there are FOUR current point guards who have the first name Anthony. Johnson, Carter, Roberson, and Parker are all point guards and it's easy to get mix them up. But in order to subvert that confusion, I've created this annotated guide to the different point guard Anthonys in the league. It is suggested that this be printed in your wallet and carried at all times. Or you can just bookmark this page. Either way, it's best to have this information with you at all times.

For this chart, green connected boxes are similarities and red boxes that aren't connected are things that are unique to each player. As you can see, I've numbered each box for easy reference. Green:

1. Johnson and Carter are both bald.
2. Johnson, Carter, and Roberson all have facial hair.
3. Parker and Johnson both have the number 8 on their jerseys.
4. Roberson and Parker both have closely trimmed hair, but are not bald.
5. Carter and Roberson both have tattoos.
6. Carter and Roberson both have the number 5 on their jerseys.
7. Parker and Roberson both have necks while Johnson and Carter are neckless.

Red:

1. Roberson wears a thin rubber strap bearing the word "BALLA."
2. Parker wears a black wrist wrap that conceals the sweet friendship bracelets he got while playing overseas.
3. Parker wears a white wristband.

As you can see, these Anthonys are VERY similar and also interchangeable. There are rumors around the NBA that, at times, these Anthonys have been switched between teams without anyone knowing. However, with this detailed diagram, we won't be fooled again.

Thanks for learning!

Laughing Is Fun

I didn't get to see the Magic/Clippers game last night. I'm pretty upset about it, because there was apparently something very funny about it. Just looking through Yahoo!'s photo gallery I feel like I missed something.

I mean, look at all the guys having a great time:

Obviously, Dwight Howard was having a great time. He always has a great time.Even the bench guys were laughing:What could be SO funny? It had to be something so ridiculous that you couldn't help but laugh. Well, unless you're Marcus Camby. He thinks you're making a mockery of the game.

Geez, Marcus Camby. Just let the guys have some fun. I mean, you don't want to be like the referee, who was pretty upset that he didn't get the joke.But then I realized that I'M the referee. I don't get the joke because I didn't get to see the game. And I got pretty bummed out.

As much as a fan of basketball I am, I'm an even greater fan of laughing. I LOVE laughing. Who doesn't? It's awesome. Endorphins.

So I searched through the gallery, hoping to understand. It was just a few clicks more, but I got the joke.
JJ Redick played point guard last night! In an actual NBA game, for an actual NBA team!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. I totally get it now. Oh laughing, you're the best. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

A Couple of Your Buddies Played Basketball Last Night

Last night, I went to the gym with my best friend. First we lifted some weights (back day), then we decided we'd play some basketball to get our cardio on. It was pretty fun.

Then your buddies showed up.

Your friend, Jeff? That guys sucks. He's got the most annoying voice on Earth and he would not shut up. Oh, and I'm pretty sure his elbows are made of razorwire. I don't know what his problem is, but he was throwing elbows at everyone. What a jerk. I mean, seriously, who plays basketball with gel in their hair?

Kevin seemed alright, except: a) line beard. You know I hate line beards, and b) holy cow is he sweaty. I kind of felt bad for him, it was really gross. But then I remembered his line beard and didn't feel quite as bad.

I think you need to tell your friends to chill out the next time they come to the gym. They were playing WAY harder than anyone else, and it was really getting on everybody's nerves. It's cool that they were trying to "take the competition up a notch," or whatever, but they were really lame. Jeff kept making these really inappropriate jokes then laughing to himself with this smug smile. It really weirded me out.

I don't mean to be a jerk, but if those guys don't relax, they're not welcome at X-Sport Fitness.

Utah Jazz Fans Are Such Babies

Oh, please, Utah Jazz fans. Stop being such stupid babies. You're always whining about pureed carrots, or Chris Paul, or that you need a nap. Enough already.

I mean, seriously, stop acting so infantile. We're all grown-ups here. Well, except for you. I can't believe how immature you're being about all of this.

Yeah, great, you have a Carlos Boozer jersey. I guess that explains why you cry so much. Could you please stop with the crying? No, Deron Williams is not better than Chris Paul and I will not get you your blanket. I offered to get you your blanket earlier and you said you were hot. Make up your mind.

I've had just about enough of your neediness and approval-seeking behavior. Not to mention that your grasping reflex is endlessly frustrating. And the tantrums. PLEASE stop with the tantrums. You look like an idiot. I don't know how many different ways I can explain that Paul Millsap is just as good as Carlos Boozer, so stop crying. You can burp yourself if that's how you're going to act.

You are so selfish. When was the last time you fixed me a meal? Or admitted that Matt Harpring wasn't good? I can tell you: never. Would it kill you to feed me some strained peas from a tiny glass jar?

Seriously, I'm not getting your blanket no matter how loud you cry. You've got your binky, isn't that enough? Of course it isn't. It never is for you. Let me guess, you want me to tell you that you can win a championship this year. That's it, right? Well too bad.

You've got a lot of growing up to do.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts:

Hey Guys, Bonzi Wells

Late Saturday night, I ended up at a jazz club in Chicago with Kelly Dwyer. I realize this sounds like a thing that I would make up because I make up a lot of things, but I did not make up this thing. As usual, the talk turned to Bonzi Wells. (At least twice, when around Kelly Dwyer, we've spoken at length about Bonzi Wells. There's really no reason for this to happen to anybody, ever.)

I questioned the whereabouts of Bonzi Wells, and his real name. Of course, Kelly Dwyer knew both of these off his head (China, and Gawen DeAngelo Wells). Literally two seconds may have passed before these answers were recited, along with a story of Wells throwing an entire bag of golf clubs in to a pond near the Ball State campus. Naturally, the conversation soon turned to aidsmarathon.com, a website that either teaches you how to run a marathon (it aids you in marathoning) or supports the expansion of AIDS via marathon. This remains unclear.

So today, I visited Yahoo!'s NBA photo page to find something silly to post on, because that's what I do. I carefully examine pictures of grown men in an attempt to mock them because YAY BLOGGING. Anyway, the very first picture was the one you see above. There isn't really much else to say, but as usual, Kelly Dwyer was right: Bonzi Wells was in China. Problem solved.

Also, you can't get AIDS from a marathon so that probably helps to clear that up.