Communication Problems in Los Angeles

Ron, we on the same team. You don't have to guard me anymore.

Knees bent. See the ball. On the line, up the line.

Ron, did you hear me? Stop guarding me.

I miss you, Michael. I miss you so much.

Stephen Jackson is under the basket shooting a layup right now.

I'ma boil me some boot stew. For reals.

Wonderful. They just scored because you're guarding me.

Love being a Laker so much. Sup, Kobe? You say something?

My Newest Clients

As y'all know, my house is a happening place. As the headquarters for Blowtorch Consulting, we were proud to host BDLCON 2k9. Fans from as far as Indiana, Canada, and Illinois flocked to Illinois to watch television and make jokes. We were pretty pleased with the turn-out.

We did so many activities, like dog training. Here is a famous Internet celebrity teaching one of our volunteers how to dribble a basketball:

Anyways, after the success of BDLCON 2k9, I've received some requests from athletes for some face-to-face consultations. It's a new day for Blowtorch Consulting. Where we had previously just e-mailed memes, marketing opportunities, and growth strategies to assorted players, now we're working hands-on with our clients.

Our first guess was a bro named Jason. He stopped by to see how he could become more recognizable to the public. I told him, "bro, you need to do something wacky. Something that will make people think about you in a new way."

He said, "like some new hair product and a gingham shirt?"

I said, "nah, bro. Like change your number or something."

And here he is now: I'd say that's a successful image makeover. Before he was just a bro who could shoot shots pretty good, but kind of looked like a sissy. Now, he's got this new silly number that makes people think he's mysterious.

After that went so well, he recommended me to his friend, Primoz. Now, I wasn't sure exactly who this guy was, or what his name was supposed to mean. I kinda figured he was a big Prince fan, but turns out he hates Prince. So the name mystery remains unsolved.

But I told him, "maybe you shouldn't necessarily play up the ethnic name. People will think you're coming over here to steal American jobs, which is kind of a touchy subject."

He agreed, saying, "Kul človek. Bom poskusil pogledati več ameriških."

I had no idea what that meant, but he went upstairs, changed clothes, and mussed up his hair. I was shocked to see that he looked exactly like my college roommate.


When he came down, he was calling himself "Pedro," thinking it was a typical American name. I suggested "Pete" and the transformation was complete.

I can't exactly say where this company is going, but I like the direction it's taken lately. To really help control the images of these almost-world-class athletes is a positive step for us. I'll keep you posted on the happenings of Blowtorch Consulting.

NBA Style Report - October 2009

Dirk Nowitzki

Walter Herrmann is like "nice hair." Then he rolled his eyes and palmed two basketballs in the same hand.

DOWNGRADE

Rasheed Wallace

For 63 years the Celtics have been a world class organization from the front office to the uniforms. Then they signed Sheed and told him it was okay to modify his sweatpants.

DOWNGRADE

Josh McRoberts
It's good to see that McRoberts has embraced the 'zany' bench guy role, albeit with the typical Duke twist (read: juiceboxy).

KIND OF AN UPGRADE

DeShawn Stevenson

Whoops! You still have a neck tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

DOWNGRADE

Andrei Kirilenko
"I cahn't vait for Jim unt Pahm to be marry. I've been unt fan of John Krahseenski for long time."
UPGRADE

Brad Miller Watch: At Camp

The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...

Seems like a chill Air Force 1 bro who's down to ice his knees and take a nap after a long practice.

Introducing Dontaye Draper

This is Dontaye Draper. He's currently playing for the Nuggets in the preseason, but he probably won't make the team because he's not great at basketball. And that's too bad, really.

I heard that he has whole-heartedly embraced the dress code. When he travels to games, even if they're in the D-League, he always wears a suit. And when it's time to relax, he's still dressed-up by today's standards. We're talking white t-shirt tucked in to khakis with an extremely long crotch. On the weekends, he's bound to wear some chinos and a patterned dress shirt. That's what all the guys wear.

Supposedly, the main reason that Dontaye Draper hasn't made it in the NBA is his conduct away from the game. He's known to take long trips with no announcement, without leaving word of where he'll be. That doesn't fly in today's culture.

There's also the matter of his true identity. Word on the street is, when he was younger, he wasn't really Dontaye Draper, but LaDick Whitman. Something happened to the real Dontaye Draper, and LaDick took his place. Not a lot of people know this about him, but the people that do use that to their advantage.

The weirdest part of all this is that even if he were offered, Dontaye Draper wouldn't sign an NBA contract. He doesn't want to be tied down. Who knows where he'll be in three years?

My Newest Product

This is something I've been working on for just about two years, and it's just now time to release it. Remember draft night, 2007? I bet you do for one reason. His name is Joakim Bertram Noah. He looked like this:


But also, he looked like this later on:

Ponytailed.

Obviously, this was a great look, and as it turns out, pretty marketable. We went through A LOT of prototypes before we finally had our finished product, but I'm pretty happy to present the Joakim Noah Hat:

Yes, that is me modelling my product. As you can see, it emulates Joakim Noah's look from his draft night celebration. It also makes sure that you get that real Joakim Noah ponytail action. For reference:


So please, buy your own Joakim Noah Hat today, and get one for your friends too. They'll love it.

The Chicago Bulls Sing "Chop Suey!"

Man, you guys NAILED it.