Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching young people how to act.

Just to recap: championships, then acting.

But acting isn't just young kids. There are old people in movies too. Like Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones and that jerk Jude Law. I can't stand Jude Law, with his British affectations and flowing hair. Anyways.

At Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, we also teach old people to act. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so that's why I didn't open a dog acting workshop. That's just bad business. But old people? You can sometimes teach them new tricks. Like acting. Just this summer, an old NBA player came to me, and wanted to learn to act. I'd like you to meet Juwan Howard.

Heeeyyyyyyyy.

Juwan came to me and said, "Phil Jackson, I need you to teach me to act, so I can catch on as a twelfth man for some team. I don't have the skills to play in the NBA anymore, but I don't want to sell cars just yet. Please Phil Jackson, you're my only hope." He's kind of long-winded. But I said yes. For a fee.

And it worked! Juwan is now the twelfth man for the Portland Trailblazers. Since it was so successful, I've decided to show some of my process in hopes that some more clients will show up. We just did a few simple exercises to get him in the right frame of mind for the upcoming season. Because Juwan is a good sport, he agreed to recreate those exercises in this demonstration.

Juwan, act like your teammates just got called for a foul that they didn't commit.

Very good. Maybe dial it back a little. You're kind of becoming a caricature of a bench player. You're on the right track though.

This time, act like your teammate just got a huge basket AND the foul. Go.
Take it back some.

Take it back.
TAKE IT BACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE A JOKE JUWAN HOWARD!

I apologize. It appears that Juwan has forgot some of our basic tenets. Mostly the one about not overacting. Maybe they were right when they said you can't teach an old Juwan Howard new tricks. But I still have hope. In fact, I just got word that Michael Sweetney will be enrolling soon.

My First Acting Role

As y'all know, I've been trying to break in to 'show business' for quite some time. In February of last year, I wrote/directed/produced/starred in The Brad Miller Show (returning SOON, probably) which was a pretty big hit on the Internet. A lot of people compared it to the fourth season of The Wire, because it was so beautifully shot and authentic. Apparently, my work on TBMS opened some eyes, because just this weekend I co-starred in CSI: Miami with Pau Gasol of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Bros.

It was pretty chill. I learned a lot of things about Pau. For instance, he shaves hourly. His 'beard' just grows back that fast. Additionally, he taught me how to make all those crazy faces he makes. (I was a stunt double and had to be able to perfectly mimic him.)

Nailed it.

He says it's all in the sternocleidomastoid. That neck muscle gives Pau a lot of facial power and expressiveness. It was really interesting to learn 'crazy face' from a pro.

I also found out a bunch of inside info from Lakers training camp:

• Lamar Odom uses a Magic 8-Ball to make every decision in his life.
• Andrew Bynum smells like Listerine.
• Luke Walton likes soda.
• Phil Jackson's car is green.

Pretty invaluable stuff. I'm really glad I had this opportunity, and I hope that my performance opens the door for bigger and better acting roles. I really think I have a future in 'the Biz'.

"If you can make it in the suburbs of Chicago, you can make it anywhere." - Trey Kerby, October 15, 2009