August 29, 2008

Stax Records' Newest Artist

Straight out of Soulsville, USA, the Memphis Grizzlies present The New Mad Lads. Only on Stax Records.

Hakim - the thoughtful one. Check him out way dooowwwwnnn looooooooooowww. He's sensitive, but he's strong. Raised in the church, Hakim made his stage debut at the tender age of 3.


Darko - the heart-throb. Sure he's the cute one, but he'll tear your heart out. Literally. But don't worry ladies, he's got a soft side he can't help displaying.


Marc -- the funny one. He's all smiles, just having a great time. Of course he'll let you stroke his beard! You might remember him as the keyboardist for his brother's band Pau and the Gas Men.


Hamed -- the eccentric one. While not as beloved by the group's fans, Hamed is the creative force behind the group. That's right girls and gals, he's responsible for hits such as "Giggin' with the Grizzlies," "Beale Street Stomp," and the newest smash single "I Wanna Play in the USA."

August 27, 2008

I Need This

If you couldn't tell, I'm looking at a lot of random Ricky Rubio things right now. If any one can find a way to have this shipped to the United States, I need this Ricky/Rudy shirt. Immediately.

Email me or leave something in the comments if you have any ideas.

Wiki Rubio

I'm as big of a Ricky Rubio fan as you'll find, but even I think this is a little excessive.

Stephon Marbury Calls P. Diddy

P. Diddy: Bad Boy, baby. This Diddy.

Stephon Marbury: What up Puff it's Steph aka the Steph aka Starbury aka the Mothership aka Stephon Marbury aka Big Time aka Hollaback I'm bout to get me a jet son but not like the Jetsons but that show's CRAZY man they got that blazin' hott robot that gets 'em drinks and food and like does they laundry and all that maybe I will get me a Jetson on second thought then maybe that chick with the white hair with all them circles will come keep Stephysteph company now that I ain't gotta worry about ball I mean I'm still about ballin' but that ain't like something that keep Starbeezy up at night worryin' I need to get me to Europe Daddy but not Daddy in the gay way no homo right nonetheless I'm feelin' jets right now I wanna get one that turns into a car like that dude Shy of the Buff you know from that movie with all them crazy jets that try to like kill Will Smith I think one of those Rubik's cube jets is the jet I'm tryin' a get and I figured you gotta have at least three of them jets that turn into things so I need you to hook me up holla.

P. Diddy: This Jada?

August 26, 2008

Carlos and Michael Go On a Yacht

Mike Krzyzewski: Carlos, 'tis an honor that you would grace me with your prescence upon my yacht, the USS Krzyzewski.

Carlos Boozer: Certainly, my dear friend. Your yacht is a wonder among wonders. 'Tis my greatest pleasure to join you for the nautical adventure. Or should I say...yachtical adventure?

Krzyzewski and Boozer share a hearty laugh

MK: Carlos, Carlos, Carlos. You never cease to tickle my funny bone with your gentle pun-based humor.

CB: Only the education of the finest university in all the land could produce humor like this, dear Michael. To Duke University!

MK: Carlos, wait! We haven't any aperitifs! Jonathan, please bring me and my dear friend Carlos a Tom Collins.

JJ Redick: Yes, sir. Right away sir. Can I get you anything else?


Krzyzewski turns back to Boozer

Sorry about that, Carlos. Good help is SO hard to find these days.

CB: You sir, are preaching to the choir. The clean-up after the Prince fiasco took eons. Not a soul knew how to properly frame my Caravaggio. The truest of travesties, Michael. Say, where is Jonathan?


JR: Sorry, sir. It's just that we're out of lemons, so I had to substitute Real Lemon. The equivalents aren't quite exact and I know how you like your Collins.


JR: Sir, we've been sailing from Beijing to New York. I haven't had a chance to buy lemons.


Krzyzewski turns to Boozer

My lord, I don't know why I keep that boy around.

CB: Well, Michael, he is ... Redickated to you.

Krzyzewski and Boozer share a hearty laugh

August 25, 2008

Other Things the US Men's Basketball Team Can Redeem

The United States of America men's basketball team won some sort of gold medal early Sunday morning. Apparently this means that the United States' failure in international competition has been redeemed. Sure, they didn't win gold in three straight tournaments, but one gold medal obviously clears that away. Dan Shanoff said so.

ANYHOW, since these fellows have done their redeeming duties, the United States government has sent them out to rectify various other situations that need help. A partial list follows.
  • Adam Sandler's movie career.
  • The reason why "4 Minutes" was ever number one.
  • Soulja Boy.
  • Seth Rogen is making too many movies.
  • Will Ferrell is making too many movies.
  • That I'm not getting paid to do this.
  • Spain hasn't won an international basketball title since 2006. Possible conflict of interest.
  • No Stephon Marbury interviews lately.
  • Hot dogs and hot dog buns are sold in different quantities.
  • Fish taco quality varies greatly from place to place.
  • No advances on teleportation technology.
  • The fact that Sonic commercials have been showing in the Chicagoland area for at least 4 years but there has not been a Sonic within 75 miles until last week.
  • Vince Carter.
  • The relative unavailability of Pimp Juice, Crunk, and Booty Sweat energy drinks.
  • That The Office and LOST have been off the air for so long.
  • That you have to write it as "LOST" when it should be just "Lost."

The Redeem Team is busy, but if you have any requests leave them in the comments and I'll make sure Colangelo knows about them.

August 22, 2008

1000 Words: The Olympic Rings

Was this new breathing technique created to allow for easy inhalation in the Beijing smog? It seems pretty popular with all the countries.

Ch-Check It Out

My latest HP post. 98% made up, 2% silliness.

August 21, 2008

Reasons No One Wants to Play for the Bucks

I was in Wisconsin the past three days, doing things one would do while in Wisconsin. These things included eating, sleeping, going on a lake, and trying to find things to do. With that in mind, I've broken the code on why no NBA player actually wants to play for the Bucks. Here's some facts about Wisconsin that might influence a players decision:
  • the nicest restaurant in all of Wisconsin is called Scuttlebutt's.
  • sure, you can buy fudge from a confectioner, but it's recommended to buy it from "an old lady up the road who makes it everyday."
  • the most attractive female I saw in three days had a broken arm in a full cast.
  • the only non-white people in the state are tourists and athletes.
  • you can only enjoy a jetski for an hour at a time, tops.
  • it's "hot" when it's 80 degrees, which isn't actually hot.
  • pieces of random Bucks gear seen this week? Zero items.
  • uniforms are Christmas colors.
  • fattest state ever even if studies don't back it up.
  • the accents.

In all honesty, I like Wisconsin a normal amount. Sure there's no culture, virtuallly zero good-looking women, and a lack of culinary delights outside of The Mars Cheese Castle but places like Madison (where m'lady attended college) are great. The people are nice (and fat). They have motorcycle races up enormous hills. It's relaxing in a "I don't have to do anything ever" way. These are good things.

For real though, you can see why Yi and Richard Jefferson aren't the biggest fans. At least Minnesota has Prince.

August 18, 2008

Back Soon

I'm out of town for the next three days. Sorry, humans. I'll have a few things here and there since they're very mobile friendly but probably nothing here.

However, I will recommend that you buy this shirt. I did.

August 15, 2008

Stephon Marbury Calls Italy

Giorgio Napolitano: Ciao, questo รจ Giorgio Napolitano.

Stephon Marbury: Yo this Italy right cause I ain’t have no idea what you just said George-O I’m just callin’ cause I’m comin’ there in not too long and I wanna make sure y’all got somewhere to sell my shoes cause these shoes is hot in the street yo and ain’t talkin’ Rick Ross hot in the street where he ain’t really hot in the street the Starbury for real son so don’t front but I just also am lettin’ you know that I’ma be joining one of y’alls teams and I plan on winning some titles and some championships and gettin’ that Larry OB over to Italy don’t doubt that I know the exchange rate is messed up right now but I’m guessing you got somethin’ that means dime in Italyish and y’all must know I’ll be droppin’ whatever that is ON THE REGULAR ain’t no thang for Stephon aka Steph aka Starbury aka Steve aka Stephontigallo aka Massive aka NY4LIFE but it ain’t all Italydimes I’ma be on my jumpshot game I’ma be on my dunk game YOU KNOW I’ma be on my Steph-Away game I don’t that it translates exactly but it’s gonna revolutionize Europia like Michaelangelo Da Vinci or whoever that dude was holla.

Giorgio Napolitano: Qualcuno get me le Nazioni Unite immediatamente.
Moore on the picture, folks.

August 14, 2008

A Tribute to the Greeks

Since Team USA just vanquished their foes, what better time than now to pay respect to the NBA blogosphere's finest Greek, Tas Melas. Below are a wide variety of pictures of Tas, culled from various sources throughout the internet.

August 13, 2008

A Phone Call from Stephon Marbury to Jerry Colangelo

In Beijing, a phone rings in Jerry Colangelo’s mobile office…

Jerry Colangelo: Hello?

Stephon Marbury: Yeah what up Jer I’m jus’ callin’ to see when we startin’ team USA practice I’m pumped to be headin’ to China dog they food there be CRAZY son I’m talkin’ egg foo young and fried rice and fortune cookies and THE GENERAL B the General is gonna be crazy yo we talkin’ actual Chinese General not that whack Panda Express nonsense actual Chinese General it’s gonna be RIDICULOUS but anyway I just wanna see when practice starts I been workin’ on my game it’s all I been doin’ Jer well except the head tattoo that thing’s itchy as all get-out for real though my step-back is looking tight and my fall-away I even added one ain’t no one seen yet call it the Steph-Away it’s basically a step-back plus a fall-away which is unguardable but you already know that I figger I’ll prolly drop a dime here and there cuz it get boring otherwise for the other dudes I mean you know I don’t mind shooting whenever wherever but for real JerBear we takin’ it this time no sweat we takin’ it we are I ain’t care if Yao and E and Dirk and Caveman and all them other dudes playin’ for Greece again that was a fluke we can’t be stopped holla.

Jerry Colangelo: Who IS this?

August 12, 2008

August 11, 2008

A Guide to Wearing Headbands

It may seem unthinkable now, but back in the late 1990s the headband was rare. You had your Chris Gatlings or your Clifford Robinsons, but that was about it. However, at the turn of the century a courageous group of players broke through the vaunted headband barrier to bring personal expression to a whole new level. That group: the Portland TrailBlazers. Those players: Brian Grant, Rasheed Wallace, Bonzi Wells, Scottie Pippen, Greg Anthony.

The Blowtorch salutes those brave souls. In their honor, please consult the following guide whenever you decide to wear a headband.
Style: The Standard (formerly "the Cliff") is the most commonly seen headband style in today's NBA. Bisecting the player's forehead, the band is worn just above the ears and nestles under the protuberance on the back of the skull.
Currrent Practitioners: Rajon Rondo, Boobie Gibson, Brad Miller
Stule: The Wayback is worn high on the head, possibly to disguise the unfortunately high "fivehead" that a player might have. While the player may look normal while wearing the headband, once the band is removed their movie screen-esque forehead is prominently displayed.
Current Practitioners: LeBron James, Vince Carter
Style: While the Wayback is worn to disguise a grotesque physical anomaly, the Pierce is worn to combat a receding hairline. The Pierce is typically worn lower on the back part of the head in order to allow for coverage up front. Players who sport the Pierce generally appear slovenly.
Current Practitioners: Paul Pierce, Corey Maggette, Rasheed Wallace
Style: The Low-Rider is worn very low across the forehead, almost covering the eyebrows. It is assumed that this style originated from the wearing of low-slung fitted baseball caps.
Current Practitioners: Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, Jason Terry
Style: The Just A Bit Off is worn pushed back on the head in an almost yarmulke-like fashion. This style is generally worn by the player who is goofy, dangerous, crazy, or insane, hence the name.
Current Practitioners: Steven Jackson (circa Brawl), Michael Beasley, Gerald Green
Style: In general, the Earmuff is worn by an older player who is out of touch with current style trends. Off the court, an Earmuff wearer can often be seen sporting hideous outfits that no sane human would be seen in. Of course, hipsters have co-opted this look.
Current Practitioners: Derek Fisher, Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire


THE GENIE Style: The Genie is a rarely seen headband style that takes both the Low-Rider and the Earmuff to the extreme. The band is worn low on the head, covering both the ears and the eyebrows. While this style is extremely rare, it has been captured by cameras on one occasion.
Current Practitioners: Julian Wright

August 8, 2008

Top Spot

Seen on Yahoo!'s main NBA page...

Hmmm...What's the Deal with Olympic Shoes?

As Skeets and I power through the All-NBA Olympics, I pose to you this question: What in the name of good design is going on with these Olympic colorways? The Hyperdunk (as a shoe) is amazing, but these special editions are pretty out there. Your comments are welcomed below.

August 7, 2008

Here, There, and Everywhere

Rather than HOTT (two Ts, yes) content here, I'm in and about other places as well. For instance:
  • I consider everything I do with Skeets and KD over at Ball Don't Lie an internship of sorts. They're probably happy to have the help and I'm definitely happy to have the exposure. The latest greatness is the All-NBA Olympics that Skeets and I are doing. It's pretty hilarious and as we get deeper and deeper into obscure events, it'll only get more ridiculous.
  • Also of note is my lifestyle curation at cooler than that. Basically, it's everything that I think rocks sauce. Read it and be cultured. Additionally, if there's any other Tumblr blogs I should be following, let me know.
  • My Twitter is off the hook/chain/heezy for sheezy right now. Follow me and I'll follow you. It's nice that way.

August 6, 2008

Europe Steals Earl Boykins

I'm fine with you Europeans stealing Josh Childress. His hair and weird gums would make you think there's something funny about him but there's not. He's a good player. Not great. He doesn't do anything stupid and he's probably boring.

Taking Earl Boykins is another matter.

How dare you, Italy?! What little guy can we make fun of now? That's just unkind to be stealing our hilarious looking players. Next you're going to tell me you want Tony Parker back.

First Bennigan's. Now this?

August 5, 2008

Ryan Anderson Likes Luxury

Do you like luxury? Do you enjoy fine things? Silks? Furs? Fine exotic woods?

I thought so. I, myself, enjoy luxury. That's why I drive the finest motorcar in the world. "Jag-u-ar." I 'm also the spokesperson for Jag-u-ar. The finest motorcar in the world. Jag-u-ar.

I'm also a spy for the Swiss government. Would you like to guess my codename?

No. It’s not Jaguar. It’s Luxury.

Shh. Not so loud. We're not safe here. So, do you like luxury?

I already asked that. I'm sorry. I'm tired. I did 900 voiceovers today for Jag-u-ar. I also killed a man in an elevator.

Do you mind If I sketch you? Nothing would please me more. I have a studio back at my apartment. It's close. A 12-hour drive. Which, of course, feels like nothing when you're behind the wheel of the world's finest motorcar, Jag-u-ar.

There's only one problem. I don't know how to drive a stick. And I have no depth perception.

And we will need to steal a car. Jag-u-ar.

I'm sorry I keep saying it. I'm tired. You know, with the voiceovers and killing that guy.

August 4, 2008

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects VI

Lollapalooza headliners edition

  • I'm exhausted. We didn't even really go to that many bands but between wearing Nike Free 5.0s and Nike Fire Biscuits, my feet are struggling. And I had a basketball game on Sunday before we went. I'm not in good shape. Ergo, no pictures yet. I'll scramble together what relevant thoughts I have on the festival's headliners.
  • Radiohead is one of those bands I wanted to see before I perish. They're the main reason we bought tickets, in fact. And beside the fact that they were strangely quiet, they were amazing. I'm going to see them again, indoors. However, the fireworks during "Fake Plastic Trees" were poignant. Yes, poignant.
  • I've been regretting missing out on seeing Rage Against the Machine since I was a senior in high school. After seeing them Saturday night, I'm pleased. They were everything you'd expect from Rage Against the Machine. Creepy leg dance from Morello. Lecturing and general juicebagginess from De La Rocha. Stupid fans. It was a great time.
  • Except for the De La Rocha lecture. He's so wrong about so much.
  • This Kanye set was way better than the United Center one. No more weird space travel "plot." Less autotune. "Put On." It was bangin' the whole time through and it was awesome. Go see Kanye, please.

August 1, 2008


I'm at Lollapalooza today, suckas. Ergo, no posts.
Except this one.

Which is a post. On today.

Instead, I might be around Twitter ( In the meantime, consider these NBA setups.

So Vin Baker walks in to a bar...
Have you guys heard Dwyane Wade opened a restaurant...
I saw Oliver Miller at Mongolian BBQ the other day...

Feel free to provide punchlines or additional setups in the comments.