The United States of America men's basketball team won some sort of gold medal early Sunday morning. Apparently this means that the United States' failure in international competition has been redeemed. Sure, they didn't win gold in three straight tournaments, but one gold medal obviously clears that away. Dan Shanoff said so.
ANYHOW, since these fellows have done their redeeming duties, the United States government has sent them out to rectify various other situations that need help. A partial list follows.
- Adam Sandler's movie career.
- The reason why "4 Minutes" was ever number one.
- Soulja Boy.
- Seth Rogen is making too many movies.
- Will Ferrell is making too many movies.
- That I'm not getting paid to do this.
- Spain hasn't won an international basketball title since 2006. Possible conflict of interest.
- No Stephon Marbury interviews lately.
- Hot dogs and hot dog buns are sold in different quantities.
- Fish taco quality varies greatly from place to place.
- No advances on teleportation technology.
- The fact that Sonic commercials have been showing in the Chicagoland area for at least 4 years but there has not been a Sonic within 75 miles until last week.
- Vince Carter.
- The relative unavailability of Pimp Juice, Crunk, and Booty Sweat energy drinks.
- That The Office and LOST have been off the air for so long.
- That you have to write it as "LOST" when it should be just "Lost."
The Redeem Team is busy, but if you have any requests leave them in the comments and I'll make sure Colangelo knows about them.