Brad and Trey Finally Meet

The Blowtorch Xtranormal meme hi-jack volume 1.

Kiki and Nate Get That Corn, Son

Deron Williams Has Some Important Information

We know, Deron. But thanks.

Happy Birthday to Myself

I turned 45 today. It's a pretty big milestone, so I decided I'd do something nice for myself.



Just leave it, Wikipedia. Be chill.

Television Producers Pitch - My Crew

Okay, so here's the story. The show is called My Crew. We've got four guys from different walks of life, but they're all in the NBA. We'll use Erik Spoelstra, the Miami Heat coach. Brian Scalabrine, from the Celtics. Yao Ming from the Rockets, and Yi Jianlian from the Nets. It's set in the offseason and these guys are all like best friends and it's all about them making their way in the NBA. It'll be like Friends plus Entourage, so like the best show ever.

Here's the best part. We already cast the show. BJ Novak is in to play Spoelstra. The guy from LOST, he's going to be Yao. And we got Lloyd from Entourage to be Yi. That's great right? He'll definitely help us capture the right vibe for the show. But get this — Scalabrine is going to play himself!

Just let me know how many episodes you want.

RetroTorch: Brian Winters Joins the Bucks

What's goin' on, sissies?

Name's Brian. Brian Winters. Yeah, you know me.

I'm here because you idiots traded Jabbar. Good one, ya jugheads.

You think I want to be in Wisconsin? This time last year I'm catching perch off the Santa Monica Pier, and now I've gotta choose which of 18 different cheeses I want on my grilled cheese.

Oh, you like my stache? Sure you do. I grew it as a joke cause I knew you jerks are in to that sort of thing.

Let's play some basketball. Give it to the big man and work inside out. Some good basketball. That's what you guys do here, right? No? Oh yeah, you traded your big man. Good one.

I can't believe you bunch of stupids won a title. How's Brian Winters supposed to make things work here? Want me to grow a beard and get a pair of goggles? Too bad. I hate skiing.

If you need me, I'll be parting my hair.

Dirk Nowitzki is a Fan of Shakira

Two Old-Timey Bulls Talk Oil Prospecting

Say, Bradford. Might I interest you in some tips on how one might acquire that oil, son?

Indeed, Josiahkim. That would interest me a great deal, for I often seek to acquire that oil, son.

'Tis a simple process, my dear friend Bradford.

Do tell.

The first step is finding a location that may provide you the opportunity for oil acquistion, son.

Naturally, yes. This, likely, would be my backyard where I often spend time shootin' at some food.

Yes, yes, of course. Once you have found this oil acquisition location, simply throw an ice pick at that oil, son.

An ice pick?

Yes, an ice pick, Bradford.

Interesting, Josiahkim. But where shall I store my oil, son?

Oh, Bradford! Dost ye know nothing about acquiring that oil, son?

I must admit, Josiahkim, I have never acquired that oil, son.

Fair enough. After ice picking said oil, simply collect that oil which is now spurting in to a burlap sack.

A burlap sack?

Yes, Bradford. Your finest burlap sack.

Oh, the choices! My collection is so great. 'Tis that it?

No, sir. After that, Bradford, we dance.



Most amazing tutorial, Josiahkim.

Think nothing of it, my good man! Now go on and acquire that oil, son!

Great News

1. Brandon Jennings has adopted Armon Gilliam's haircut from a 1991 basketball card.
2. Someone gave Daniel Artest a job.
3. If you Google "armon gilliam flattop," this site is the number one result. I finally made it, Mom.
   

Dirk Nowitzki Has Had Enough of Mark Cuban

Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?

I didn't forget you, Dirk. I was saving you for last to really make my point.

Dirk Nowitzki: Was auch immer.

Omri Casspi Shaved His Face

Can we make sure we keep Omri Casspi's razors hidden from him? I thought we had an agreement that we'd do that with all European NBAers anyways. It's in the collective bargaining agreement.


OmBro looks WAY too much like Crispin Glover to be running around all smooth-faced. Next thing you know, Spencer Hawes is going to be collecting even more skulls than usual. And no one is going to sign Andres Nocioni because he gives a weird interview on Letterman.

Get it? Because these are things that Crispin Glover really does and Omri Casspi looks like Crispin Glover. Get your beard back, bro. Crispin Glover is cool and all, but not that cool. And hey, Crispin Glover, you were in Charlie's Angels, you're not that creepy. Relax, Crisp.

But back to Omri Casspi. If he decides to look more like Dean Cain that is acceptable. But good luck with your mediocre career after leaving the place that gave you your start.

DEAN CAIN ZING 2010

A Very Effective Shark Imitation

Michael Beasley: Hey, check me out. I'm a shark. RRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWR. Buh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buh dut buh dut buh dut buh dut SNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Is that fin real?

Michael Beasley: Yeah, cuz I'm a shark.

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Man, that's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Oh, sup basketball.

Michael Beasley: SHARKSKETBALL! SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Kevin Durant's New Arms

I think the fan movement is pretty cool down in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma home of the Oklahoma City Thunder basketball club. Seems like their fans always want their team to do well, and they're super excited to have a team. It's pretty chill.

However, I DO NOT agree with them replacing their best player's arms with thunder sticks just so 'the people' can better identify with him.

I know you're not used to having a basketball team, but one of the first things they teach you at the town meeting the city holds when it's announced that you will be getting a new basketball team is to never replace your star player's arms with any sort of cheering apparatus. That's like Fandom 101, which is offered at any community college. Take a class, guys.

Deron Williams Goes to the Barber

Deron Williams goes in to the barber and says, "give me a stoplight."

The barber says, "stoplight? What are you talking about?"

So Deron Williams says, "you know, red, yellow, green."

And the barber says, "I know what a stoplight is, but it's not a haircut."

Then Deron Williams says, "sure it is. Let my beard go, stop my hair from growing on my temples, and be careful with the top — I don't have much to work with up there."

Some Bros Talk Basketball

Bro, last night was RIDICULOUS.

For real, bro. Crazy.

Kobe, bro.

Bro. Kobe.

I know, bro.

At first I was like, "yoooooooo b, hook it up with the ball." But then I was like, "nice."

Exactly.

Exactly.

Pretty tyte, bro.

For real.

Shannon Brown: What are you guys talking about?