Kiki and Nate Get That Corn, Son

Single Black Lee Male

I'm not too sure what to make of this Courtney Lee character. Last year, with the Magic, she seemed like a nice lady who was down to play some tough defense and maybe make a three-pointer or miss an alley-oop layup on occasion.


But this year, there is something different. For instance, now she plays with the New Jersey Nets. That's not the difference I was talking about, necessarily. Check this out.


I know what you're thinking. No, that isn't Kenyon Martin from 2000 to 2004. It's just a case of one human (Courtney Lee) trying to be another human (Kenyon Martin) who was trying to be another human (Method Man). A real Kirk Lazarus situation.


Feels like an identity crisis starring John Cusack and Ray Liotta. Last season, peeps were like, "check out Courtney Lee, he's pretty legit." And he was sorta legit. He was a down-to-earth tucked-in shirt bro with a lady's name.


Now he is all headbandy and goateed, and I'm kinda thinking maybe he wants to be an enforcer like Kenyon Martin. Or maybe he wants to shoot bad jumpshots like Kenyon Martin. It's possible he wants to reinvent himself as a good defender who thinks he's an elite defender like Kenyon Martin. Maybe he just likes holding backboards like Kenyon Martin.


That's all well and good. Maybe he'll be the number one draft pick some time. I don't know. But I do know that there is one thing that I just can't accept from Courtney Lee, and that is a comically bad tattoo of a rapper's lips on his neck.

Be careful, Courtney Lee.

A Businessman and a Business, Man

Somewhere in New Jersey or Russia...

Excuse me, sir. Are you Mr. Jay Z?
For shizzle, my nizzle.

Excellent. I am a successful Russian entrepreneur and I have some questions about your basketball squad. Where do you dribble?

Down in V-A.

I was lead to believe that you had ownership of the New Jersey Nets basketball club. As English is not my native language, perhaps I am confused. Is New Jersey part of V-A?

Ha-HA!

I assume that laugh is one of sarcasm, meaning that V-A and New Jersey are separate locales. I am interested in purchasing all or part of your New Jersey Nets basketballing club. I would not like to purchase your dribbling organization in V-A.

We don't believe you, you need more people.

Quite the opposite, Mr. Z. As I mentioned before, I am a successful Russian businessman. I have amassed a small fortune by selling Americans things that they think are extremely Russian. Items such as vodka, communism, eagle head soup, and tickets to ballet shows. This has proved to be very lucrative. So lucrative in fact, that I hope to replicate its success in my homeland. My first order of business is purchasing an American sports team that no one cares about, but that Russians think Americans care about. Hence, I'd like to offer several billion dollars to own these New Jersey Nets basketballers.

(puts on glasses)

Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Hov.

Nets Executives Tour the Barclay Center

This is a guest post posted by the Brian Spaeths who usually posts about other things. He made a movie, and this one time we ate at a TGI Friday's together and talked about laughing.

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It's been awhile since I've written about the Nets at all, and between odes to Michael Jordan and the accompanying footnotes to David Robinson, et al, I saw these new designs for their long-rumored Brooklyn arena, the Barclays Center.

It looks nice and also it looks like a building, so I felt it'd be easy to piece together what the opening night might be like.

For real, that looks like a fun place. What do you think those two dudes are talking about, and are you pregnant -

Brian Spaeth is the writer and star of Who Shot Mamba?, a Broadband Motion Picture debuting October 13th on Koldcast.tv. You can see the first teaser-trailer on the website. Brian has also published two novels, and writes regularly at his own blog.

1000 Words: Missed You, Brook

Oh, Brook Lopez. Sometimes you make it too easy.

Nate McMillan Teaches Lawrence Frank Some Ghetto Sayings

Waaaaiiit....like this?

How many times do I have to tell you? Finger out, mouth open. That's how we do it in the hood. Burgaflickle.

Oh, word? Burgaflickle!

Man, white people CRAZY.

Robin and Brook Lopez Play Basketball Against Each Other

Robin: DUDE, let's mess with these guys. Like back when we used to tell Mom that I was you and she'd be all, "Brook stop eating Cheerios off the floor. And stop licking the walls!" She was SO mad. We've got to do something, exactly like that. It'll be AMAZING!

Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.

Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.

Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.

Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.

One. Two. Three.

Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!

Robin: Seriously.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: For realsies.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?

Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.

Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.

Brook: That is PERFECT!

Robin: One. Two. Three!

Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!

Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.

Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.

Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!

Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.

Brook Lopez Prepares for His First Press Conference

GOSH, guys. I don't WANNA do a press conference!

Can't I just stay home and play Wii? I never get to play Wii anymore. Ever since I got here it's been basketball, basketball, BASKETBALL. What do I have to do to get some alone time with New York Minute? That movie's AMAZING.

Seriously, what am I supposed to say at this dumb thing? I can't say I'm glad to be in New Jersey. It's frickin' NEW JERSEY. No one wants to come here. I can't say I'm excited to play for Frank Lawrence. I don't even remember what he looks like. UGH.

I miss Robin. He's probably running through sprinklers AGAIN. He has all the fun in Phoenix. He says they even let him use Funoodles in the team pool. Vince won't even let me read him my poems. It's so BORING here.

I need a nap.

I'M BACK

Yeaaaaaaah, boooooyyyy. KVH back up in this mug! I know all y'all been tryin' a play me off like I was washed up, but I'm a hit you with sumtin' real new. I'm talking shot fakes. I'm talking pass fakes. I'm talking dribble fakes. You ain't even heard of dribble fakes, b.

DRIBBLE FAKES!

KVH the Remix: Back to the Swamp. Can't stop, won't stop.

This is seriously the best birthday gift ever. Keith Van Horn is back!

Update: the Blowtorch has obtained Keith Van Horn's faxed notification of his return.

I Loved the 1997-98 New Jersey Nets

Every few seasons there is an NBA team that I'm drawn to beyond any explanation. This year, it appears to be the Grizzlies for whatever reason. However, back in my sophomore year of high school I was obsessed with the New Jersey Nets. Never mind the fact that I was a Bulls fan living in Illinois during the last year of the Jordan Dynasty; forces unknown to me pushed me to follow the exploits of an average east coast team for the better part of 2 years.



It took me 15 minutes of intense Googling and address modification to even recover this absolutely ridiculous Slam magazine cover, and with good reason. If you were the editors of Slam, would you want to prominently display the fact that you predicted the Nets would win a title by 2001?

Looking back, that roster was an absolute disaster. I'm not even sure who you could call the centerpiece. Van Horn was the #2 pick, but he wasn't ready then (or ever, as we would learn) to be a go-to guy. Sam Cassell was a winner back then too, but you couldn't really consider him a first option. Kittles, JaYson Williams, and Kendall Gill were all guys who would have been fantastic bench players. But then you look at the stats and see that 6 guys averaged double figures and it isn't that crazy that a high school kid could love this team.

When I really examine it, I guess the main reason that I was attracted to the Nets was that they were very different from most other teams stylistically. Kittles wore one sock up at Villanova, which was just about the coolest thing a kid from the far, far south suburbs could imagine. Van Horn was the benchmark for moderately athletic big men like myself. A smooth, mobile, white guy who could pass and score; he is/was the NBA player I liken myself to the most. And then you had characters like Chris Gatling, Sherman Douglas, and Luscious Harris off the bench, filling in the sketch of a 14 year old's basketball dream.

Finally finding that picture really helped me understand just what I enjoy about the NBA. Yes, the Bulls titles were mind-blowing, but back then you knew the post-MJ years would be a tundra. Needing something to fall back on, entertainment hooked me. The Nets were never great, and they never would be. But for those 2 years, they were a team I admired from afar and appreciated any way I could. They ran, they scored, they didn't play much defense, and they were fun. When you're trying to find something to keep you interested, there isn't anything better to ask for than that. Plus they were awesome in NBA Live '97.

Sean Williams may be high right now

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Sean Williams

Strengths: fantastic shot blocker, great rebounder, muy athletico

Weaknesses: LOVES weed, hates law enforcement, not too great at offense

NBA Comparison (best-case): Kenyon Martin

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Tony Battie

NBA Comparison (most likely): Theo Ratliff

Randolph for Jefferson, Two Presidentialish Names Being Traded for One Another is Quite Intriguing

I’m firmly in the pick Greg Oden first camp. I think Durant is a fantastic player and he’s going to be terrific. He and Oden will dominate the NBA for 15 years, and then retire to play chess against each other. However, as it’s been said over and over, big men win championships. Shaq or Duncan have played in every NBA Finals since that one guy retired the second time, and there’s really no reason why big men won’t continue to dominate championships. Even in the college ranks Florida just won two straight titles with what might be the best frontcourt ever. Bigs are important.

That being said, there’s a definite logjam in the Blazers frontcourt. They have Zach Randolph, LaMarcus Aldridge, Joel Przygorilla, the corpse of Jamaal Magloire, Ronald McDonald, Jaws from the James Bond movies, that huge giant from Big Fish, former Benedictine Eagle center Will Crawford, an Amazonian refugee, the Jolly Green Giant, an actual gorilla, and Raef Lafrentz. It’s pretty obvious that someone needs to be moved to make room for Son of Bill Russell. Furthermore, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to pick up a wing guy who is good at playing basketball (the whole basis for the Draft Durant movement). Currently, the vaunted triumvirate of Darius Miles, Fred Jones, and Martell Webster has been slow to impress precisely because they are Darius Miles, Fred Jones, and Martell Webster.

Thankfully, there is hope. As a blog reader, you may have heard that Zach Randolph is sort of available. By available I mean that the Trailblazers front office is considering taking him to his favorite strip club, saying they have to go to the bathroom, and sneaking out and not returning his calls. I’m not entirely sure this is true, but if I heard it on the internet it must be true. Of course, if they can pull off this tricky maneuver, they’d still have his fat contract on their salary cap, so why not just trade him instead. Perhaps to New Jersey for Richard Jefferson? According to the trade machine it works, plus both teams are trading players who look like dinosaurs from Jurassic Park; something that I think is covered in the collective bargaining agreement.

If that happens, New Jersey has a lineup looking like this:

Jason Kidd
Vince Carter
Boston Nachobar
Zach Randolph
Nenad Krstic

If they resign Mikki Moore, they have a solid bench with him, Marcus Williams, Josh Boone, Jason Collins, and whatever human they draft with the 17th pick (Thaddeus Young, perhaps). In the abysmal Eastern Conference, that’s a team that could compete with the Bulls, Cavs, Pistons, and Heat.

If I’m the Blazers (and I do drive a Trailblazer), I’m trying my best to figure out how to build around Oden, Aldridge, and Brandon Roy. That’s a nucleus that will be upper-echelon for a long time.