May 29, 2009

Another Business Opportunity

Remember yesterday when I started my consulting business? It seems to be pretty successful so far. In fact, I'm already working with Clearasil on a signature line for Delonte West. It should be pretty big, but that's not the point right now. I think I figured out how to save the economy. All I need is a secondary investor in my new blanket business.
I went to a fabric store the other night, and bought up all of their NBA stock. Then I went to 45 more Chicago area stores to make sure that I have a monopoly on this spun gold. With a little help from you (the investor), I'll be able to hire between 4 and 6 sewers, while I handle the designs. I already made this prototype.
I gave that one to Ziller to give to his wife, but we're going to be targeting high end clients. They're the only ones with any money to spend. You're telling me that the Alyssa Milanos and Jessica Albas and Zac Effrons aren't going to want a luxurious poncho made of the finest NBA fleece? Come on. This is 2009. Ponchos are coming back again. I don't see how this can fail.

Oh, and the name is already taken care of: Blowtorch Blankets. Duh.

May 28, 2009

Endorsement Opportunity for Marcin Gortat

Look guys, the economy. You've heard about the economy I assume. It's not being very economical, if you know what I mean. I mean that it's not doing good. Wish it were doing better. Wish it had more money. Wish it had more econoME. Stocks and bonds. Buy low, sell high. Satellite transmissions to cellular telephones. Things like that. As such, I've decided to open a consulting business for NBA players. Basically, I will take a lesser known player and set them up with appropriate endorsement deals. In return, these players will pay me a 7% commission, and also give me free things like shoes, various sporting goods, and movie tickets to first-run movies. It's pretty fair, I think. After all, these endorsements will make the players millions, even after taking out my 7%. Not to mention, they wouldn't be seeing that money without my help anyways, because I'm going to be DIGGING DEEP for these endorsements.
Just as a teaser, here's a proposal I've put together for Orlando's Marcin Gortat. I want to pair him up with Lowell Foods.

The best quality foods from Poland and the best quality basketball player from Poland? Perfect match. Marcin Gortat will GLADLY tell you a story about sesame seeds and honey, he was raised on the stuff.

Here are some products that we'll put his face on, and what I'd propose as slogans:

Headcheese - "Because it exists."Herring Fillets with Onions in Brine - "If you don't like your fish in a salty brine with onions, then you don't really like fish."Seasoned Pork Lard with Pork Added - "The only thing that makes pork lard better is adding pork."Prune and Whole Grain Yogurt - "Like grapes, but grosser. Also, grains because yogurt was too creamy."

This is a win-win. Lowell Foods gets Marcin Gortat, the best Polish player ever. Marcin Gortat gets sacks of money and all the pork loaf he can eat. I've already talked to President and C.E.O. Conrad Lowell and he is understandably ECSTATIC about the idea.

Let's make this happen.

Derek Fisher Gets In a Time Machine

When V.A.S.T. scientists told him he could play like it was 2001 again, Derek Fisher gladly volunteered for time travel. That's G.

May 27, 2009

One of These Things is Not Like the Others



Come Watch a Game with Me

Tonight at 7:30 Central time, I'll start heating the coals in my sauna. They'll be nice and hot by tip-off. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. Bring your own towel.

May 26, 2009

What I Learned This Weekend

Have you guys heard of learning? It's cool. Basically, you see, hear, or otherwise experience different events and then you use those events to make yourself smarter and more knowledgeable. I did learning this weekend. I watched television shows and basketball games quite a bit. I also throughthrew a softball.

But more important was the learning that I did. Here are some THINGS THAT I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND:

Denver Nuggets coach George Karl takes grooming advice from the ghost of former President Gerald Ford.


THE REASON WHY JR Smith copies famous celebrations is because if he were left to his own devices, he reverts to acting like Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson from the motion picture EdTV.


  • Using bullet points is a good way of making important information stick out.
  • So is bolding random words.
IN THE OFF-SEASON, Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is the captain of a crab fishing ship called the Northwestern. His exploits are documented by the television show Deadliest Catch.


  • RANDOMLY CAPITALIZING words is also effective for drawing attention to notable happenings. It is called HODGMANCASE.


FOR HALLOWEEN, JR Smith and Kenyon Martin plan on going as Redman and Method Man. The twist is that while Redman is lighter than Method Man, Kenyon is lighter than JR. This is called irony or the "yin-yang effect."

WHILE WRITING THIS POST, I learned that I know how to spell McConaughey correctly.

May 22, 2009

Kinda Worried About Dwyane Wade

I don't know if you guys have see Dwyane Wade lately, but something is wrong.Maybe he's let himself go since the Heat got ousted. Maybe he's just bulking up for next season so he can be indestructible. Maybe V.A.S.T. is involved somehow. No matter what it is though, it isn't good.

Hope he isn't the next Michael Sweetney.

Hope he isn't the next Oliver Miller.
Hope he isn't the next Nate Dogg. Hope he finds his neck so he doesn't have to be like these guys.

I just don't want to wake up one Saturday morning and turn on the TV while I'm eating scrambled eggs and see a TLC special called "Dwyane Wade a Lot of Pounds." Because if he ends up just as a fat guy who is just a meme, I'll be sad. I don't want him to be the next Frog Baby.

Even though I think Dwyane basically dresses like a fancy Steve Urkel (but not Stephon Urquelle) he doesn't deserve to have to shop at the Big and Tall store. Their jeans don't even have any adornments. They're just pieces of straight blue denim, and if Dwyane Wade has to wear those, he'll be pretty mad.

He just needs to get healthy again. Maybe Steve Nash can help.Get better Dwyane Wade. It was nice having you around this year.

May 21, 2009

One of These Wasn't Photoshopped

RetroTorch: Julius Caesar Gets a Signature Sandal

Following his impressive circumvallation of Alesia during the Gallic War, Greek goddess of victory, Nike, divined that Roman Emperor Julius Caesar should be the first Emperor to wear his own signature sandal. "The Caesar" features the latest technological advances including leather, laces, and a sole. When reached for comment by carrier pigeon, the Emperor responded in a dead language that cannot be translated.

May 20, 2009

A Hipster Talks About the Lakers

Why am I a Lakers fan? I'll tell you.

When I was a kid, my dad was, like, a HUGE Celtics fan. Like he made me watch all these games with him when I was growing up. He'd always talk about how great Larry Bird was and how he was a "genius." Apparently, my dad doesn't know what true genius is. Someone like Avey Tare or Colin Meloy. Those people actually relate to other people unlike that fascist Larry Bird.

Whatever my dad wanted, I wanted the opposite. He wanted me to go to college, but I just wanted to spin bangers in a club. He wanted me to play sports, but I liked poetry. He wanted me to not cut myself, but I wanted to cut my self. To this day, he's the most oppressive dictator my world has ever known. So I guess that's how I became a Lakers "fan." I mean, I'm not really a fan. I just wear this to make him mad. I figure there's nothing better than supporting a jerk like Kobe Bryant to get under his skin.

Did I see the game last night? No. Of course not. I was listening to my Cut Copy vinyl.
picture via thecobrasnake

May 19, 2009

Chris Mihm Loves the Lakers

Even though he was traded to the Grizzlies, an incognito Chris Mihm has been spotted at recent Lakers games, hoping to get the call from coach Phil Jackson.

May 18, 2009

Stan Van Gundy Does the Sun Salutation

I got a WiiFit yesterday, so I'm basically a fitness expert now. My best skills are in the yoga portion of the game. I'm so good in fact, that many of my closest friends and family have taken to calling me yogi or yogin. It depends on if they use the contemporary English or not.

So when I saw that picture of Stan Van Gundy at last night's game 7 against the Boston Celtics, it was obvious to me that he had begun practicing either hatha or vinyasa styles. Sorry for all the "inside yoga" talk, but it's pretty clear that SVG is working on his fitness.

And can you blame him? Just from the surya-namaskar pose he's practicing here, he can expect the following benefits:

- Gets rid of constipation.
- Strengthens abdominal muscles.
- Tones up the nervous system and improves memory.
- Promotes sleep and calms anxiety.
- Refreshes the skin. Prevents Skin disorders.
- Improves muscle flexibility.
- Stimulates the breasts to help firmness. Restores any lost elasticity, through stimulation of glands and the strengthening of pectoral muscles.
- Prevents loss of hair and graying.
- Helps reduce fat.
- Reduces abnormal prominence of the Adam's apple.
- Eliminates unpleasant smells from the body.
- Lends grace and ease of movements to the body.
- Revives and maintains the spirit of youthfulness.
- Broadens chest and beautifies arms.
- Makes the spine and waist flexible.
- Produces health, strength, efficiency and longevity.

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty close, so I can safely say that this is only going to be good for Stan. He just needs to remember to think about stretching his spine and breathing deeply. Basic yoga, stuff, really. This is a 5,000 year old art, so I think they know what they're talking about.

Kobe Bryant Status Update

Hey guys, LeBron James here.
It's been a while since we last spoke, and I wanted to fill everyone in on what's happened since my last appearance. There have been some problems with the Kobe Bryant re-growth program.

As you can see from that picture, Kobe appears to have reverted to about 70% his normal size. V.A.S.T. scientists have assured me that they've encountered this in previous re-growths, and that Kobe should be back to full size in no time. In fact, because his bones didn't stretch so quickly, they'll be stronger due to the prolonged re-growth period.

Thanks for sticking with us through this waiting game. I'll be sure to let you know when Kobe is back to full strength.

May 15, 2009

Help Us Fight Childhood Obesity

Did you know that...

...1 in 2 children in the Phoenix and Vancouver metropolitan areas is considered obese by medical experts?

...the average child in these two cities eats a little more than four hot dogs per day?

...that because the weather is so beautiful in these two cities that children are invited to more than 600 cookouts a year?

Well, it's true.

I'm a famous point guard, and I need your help. More importantly, the children of Phoenix and Vancouver need your help.

You see, with all these hot dogs and all these cookouts, our kids are getting fat. Really fat. But the LEGALLY REDACTED wants to stop that. Just bring any spare hot dogs you can find to any of our more than 15,000 street corner hot dog collection locations and we'll dispose of those hot dogs with dangerous chemicals.

That's right. We take these fattening hot dogs, throw them in a vat of chemical solution concocted by a team of scientists, and wait. Once enough death dogs have been melted in to the chemicals, we use the sludge as a fertilizer to grow organic carrots. Bring us just 50 donations, and we'll give you your own potato sack full of carrots. It's that easy.

To help spread the word, I drew up this flier. Print it out, give it to your friends, get your carrots. 50 hot dogs equal one bag of carrots. Think of the kids. Think of the carrots.

With your help, we can keep these not so hot dogs out of our kids' hands. And besides a potato sack full of delicious organic carrots, what's better than that?

May 14, 2009

Come On, JR Smith

JR Smith is a biter
I don't want nobody sound like nobody from my clan

Man keep it real, get your own stuff man, and be original

And you'll be a better man

And you gonna come out on your own

Whatever how you gonna take it man

May 13, 2009

When Our Powers Combine

Ummm...heart? We need you man. Come on.
You rang?

May 12, 2009

Nene Meets Maybyner

Who are you?I'm me.You're me? Well, I'm me. Who is you.So I'm you? No. You're you. I'm me. But I'm you too.I hate U2. Me too.

May 11, 2009

Someone Found My Senior Picture

My mom has always regretted buying me those giant NBA jeans. Now that the Internet has discovered my portrait, so do I.


An Interview with a Special Blowtorch Correspondent

From time to time, I'll be checking in with my cat, Boots with the Fur, to get her thoughts on the playoffs. This is the first of those times.

Me: First of all, thanks for taking the time out of your day to meet with me. I know you're busy laying on the floor, eating, or laying on the floor.

Boots: Meow.

Me: I guess the place to start is with the Bulls. How sad were you when they were eliminated?

Boots: Meeeeeeeeeeow.

Me: Exactly how I feel too. What do you think about Kevin Garnett?

Boots: flexes claws

Me: Yeah, tell me about it. What are your thoughts on all of the flagrant foul controversies?

Boots: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooow.

Me: Really? I haven't heard anyone say anything like that yet. That's enlightening.

Boots: purrs

Me: Of the teams left, who is your favorite?

Boots: The Nuggets.

Me: Me too, Boots. They're just a lot of fun to watch.

Boots: Meow.

Me: Do you think they have a chance at the title?

Boots: falls over and begins to sleep

Me: That seems like all the time we have. Thanks a lot for talking with me Boots.

Boots: continues to sleep

May 10, 2009

Why I Want a Kobe vs. LeBron NBA Finals

content supplied by

I have been secretly rooting for Kobe to reach the finals. Not because I am a Kobe fan or a Lakers fan, but because I want to see the undisputed top two NBA ballers go head to head for a best out of 4 series.

If I was a NBA betting man I would have to give the edge to Kobe and the Lakers because of their experience and depth but the way Lebron and the Cavs have played a team game there just might not be a way to stop them.

In my generation this will be the first time two players who each have a case to be called the best will go head to head. Now dont get me wrong, but there was always something missing when i watched Michael Jordon in the NBA playoffs...he never played against the best. Magic Johnson in 1991 was past his prime and about to come out with his HIV diagnosis. Clyde Drexler? No. Charles Barkley? Nope. Karl Malone? No Rings. Hakeem Olajuwon? Maybe.

Magic had Bird, which was probably the greatest rivalry in the mid-80s. And Russell had Wilt in the 60s. Wilt was headed out when Kareem came and Walton wasn't there long enough.

There's no dispute now. Kobe and LeBron are one/two in some order, best in the East and best in the West. LeBron's going to get there. But I don't know about Kobe and the Lakers. The Lakers were almost embarassed by Houston. Now they have to deal with the Nuggets. Kobe has to be his best even before he gets to meet the league MVP.

Now all I have to wait for is the Kobe vs Lebron props to be available.

May 8, 2009

A Couple of Bros Go To a Lakers Game

Bro, Lake Show tickets TO-NIGHT. I'm talking courtside baby. You in.

Bro, I'm so in. You know I'm in. Like I got anything better to do. Some broad wanted to watch P.S. I Love You but if she thinks I'm missing the Lakers, she can jump in a lake.

Bro, you're money. You are so money and you don't even know it. That's right, Swingers quote in 2009. I don't care if the ladies think it's lame, I'm sticking with it.

Bro, you know I love Swingers more than anything. That's why I always watch it when a girl dumps me. Gets me back in the right frame of mind to mack on the honeys. What are you wearing tonight, bro?

Bro, you know I'm going with my white v-neck and some distressed jeans. It's a killer look, bro.

Oh no doubt, bro. I'll probably just rock a polo and some cargos, like usual. Ladies love that laid back Cali look, bro.

Bro, you should wear your Magic jersey.

FOR REAL, bro. I haven't put that on in like 8 years. I hope it still fits.

Bro, you're going to be like a bear with your bear claws and your Magic jersey. So money.

So money, bro.
So money.

May 7, 2009

A Few Words from V.A.S.T. CEO LeBron James

lebron ceo headshot
Hey America, CEO and co-founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, LeBron James here. I just wanted to let you all know that our shrinking experiment has been a great success.

Kobe full size

Also, the resizing program is going according to schedule. Mr. Bryant has already returned to 95% of his original size. We anticipate that the process will be completed early next week. Thank you for your support and concern.