Kiki and Nate Get That Corn, Son

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 7

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. Maybe call up your best buddy Lance Armstrong to see how he stays so limber.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Dan Gadzuric is a Friendly Defender

Come here Jer-rreeee. Give Dan Dan a huggy wuggy wugglesons. Just a quick little hug, Jerry. Not a big dealey. Just a huggy wuggy wugglesons between two friendy wendy friendersons.

Awww, that's nice Jerry. You're letting Danny Boy give you a huggles.

Oh.

Oh no.

JER-RREEEE! You dunked on Dannity Kane! That wasn't very nice, Jerry. Be a good friend, geeeeeeez.

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 6

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. Like you've never seen a dunk before. Liar. You even had one one time. Plus you were in Hoop Dreams. It's not the end of the world. In fact, considering it's DeAndre Jordan, I'd say it's not that much to worry about. Don't tear your hair out about it. Maybe next time, play defense instead of throwing a pity party.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

1000 Words: My New Favorite Picture

Let me tell you my story about this picture.

I found this picture on Monday night, just looking through pictures because that's something I do on the reg. At first I was like, "chill out, Andre Miller. You're not Juwan Howard." And then I moved on.

But I was compelled by something to go back to this picture, and I'm glad I did. Just take a look at Brandon Roy's face. It's like his face turned half serpent-half stone because he looked at Andre Miller's crazy face.

So I'm looking at this Brandon Roy snakeface and I start giggling. Nothing too loud, but I can't stop. I keep looking at this picture, and I keep giggling. Then the giggles turned in to full-on laughter, which turned in to dying laughter. Like making little shriek noises. My wife was sitting next to me, doing something with work, and I'm just laughing from looking at a picture because whoops that's your husband. This lasted for five minutes. Seriously.

Anyways, I still can't look at this picture without laughing. I can't even come up with jokes about it. I thought maybe a fable or something about getting this tattooed on my back would be good, but everything just pales in comparison to just spending a good five minutes laughing at this picture. But I am going to get that tattoo.

The "Word Up, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 1

Tracking Juwan Howard's career-defining stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Word up, Juwan Howard. That's a pretty slick jam that you're doing on that guy's face. I'm impressed, unlike everybody in the crowd. They're all like, "neat." Especially Gerard Butler's brother Garrard Butler over there in the first row. He's like, "SPARKLAAAAAAAAAA...oh cool dunk, better go star in a movie with Katherine Heigl's sister Cathy." But still, wicked googly, man. You're really LivingStrong.

Word Up, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 5

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a rebound. No one else is even really trying for it. I'm pretty sure you've got it. You don't need to get all Rodman about it with the crazy mouth and leaning sideways action. Just jump up and get it and keep on LivingStrong.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 4

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. What are you even trying to do here? This is the most non-committal action you could possibly undertake on a basketball court. Are you blocking a shot or getting blocked or rebounding or what? Make up your mind. Jon Brockman is trying to figure it out and he looks even more dumbfounded than usual. Killer LiveStrong, by the way.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 3

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...


Chill out, Juwan Howard. You don't have to be in every picture during the minuscule time you're on the court. We get it, you're in the NBA. The constant reminders and "did you see me cutting down the lane" is a little ostentatious. Andre Miller is doing what he can to get you the easiest shot he can and all you can do is hang out by the freethrow line, hoping for a kickout. Pretty wack, bro.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 2

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a preseason game. You don't have to go all Rajon Rondo on Jason Richardson. He didn't even do anything, except beat you to the basket because you're like a thousand years old now. Maybe just let this one slide, considering the game didn't mean anything. Even Jason Richardson is confused. He's like, "sheeeeeeeesh."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 1

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You are not Steve Blake's best friend. Prior to this season, he was like everyone else: surprised you were still in the NBA. Now you're all like, "I've got your back, Steve Blake." But Steve Blake is like, "okaaayyy....."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching young people how to act.

Just to recap: championships, then acting.

But acting isn't just young kids. There are old people in movies too. Like Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones and that jerk Jude Law. I can't stand Jude Law, with his British affectations and flowing hair. Anyways.

At Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, we also teach old people to act. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so that's why I didn't open a dog acting workshop. That's just bad business. But old people? You can sometimes teach them new tricks. Like acting. Just this summer, an old NBA player came to me, and wanted to learn to act. I'd like you to meet Juwan Howard.

Heeeyyyyyyyy.

Juwan came to me and said, "Phil Jackson, I need you to teach me to act, so I can catch on as a twelfth man for some team. I don't have the skills to play in the NBA anymore, but I don't want to sell cars just yet. Please Phil Jackson, you're my only hope." He's kind of long-winded. But I said yes. For a fee.

And it worked! Juwan is now the twelfth man for the Portland Trailblazers. Since it was so successful, I've decided to show some of my process in hopes that some more clients will show up. We just did a few simple exercises to get him in the right frame of mind for the upcoming season. Because Juwan is a good sport, he agreed to recreate those exercises in this demonstration.

Juwan, act like your teammates just got called for a foul that they didn't commit.

Very good. Maybe dial it back a little. You're kind of becoming a caricature of a bench player. You're on the right track though.

This time, act like your teammate just got a huge basket AND the foul. Go.
Take it back some.

Take it back.
TAKE IT BACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE A JOKE JUWAN HOWARD!

I apologize. It appears that Juwan has forgot some of our basic tenets. Mostly the one about not overacting. Maybe they were right when they said you can't teach an old Juwan Howard new tricks. But I still have hope. In fact, I just got word that Michael Sweetney will be enrolling soon.

Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:

Robot Legs

For: Greg Oden

Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.

Hook for a Hand

For: Lamarcus Aldridge

Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts

For: Jerryd Bayless

Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.

Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.

Nunchucks

For: Brandon Roy

Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.

Disadvantages: None.

Muscle Milk

For: Nicolas Batum

Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.

Disadvantages: For bros.

The Most Boring Player in the NBA

Facts about Andre Miller:

• Every day for lunch eats white bread, hard-boiled eggs, and American cheese.
• Favorite television program: Antique Roadshow
• Favorite actor: Ben Kingsley
• Favorite actress: Angela Landsbury
• Takes lukewarm baths; refuses to use shower.
• Drives a silver1996 Chevrolet Lumina.
• Owns 16 pairs of Champion cotton shorts with pockets (aka "Dad shorts") in various shades of grey, black, and blue.
• Has two dogs, a yellow lab named "Rick" and a beagle named "Tom."
• Favorite color: grey-ish
• Favorite musician: Seals and Croft
• Favorite movie: The Good Shepherd
• Weekends are generally spent doing yardwork, reading the newspaper, and doing yardwork.
• Once took a roadtrip by car to Yellowstone National Park to "see what all the fuss is about." Upon return, declared the park "too sprawly."
• Favorite food: porridge
• Favorite store: Kohl's
• After a night out on the town his rookie year, remarked that clubs are "too loud" and has yet to return.
• Next movie on NetFlix queue: Grey Gardens
• As a child, met Magic Johnson and told his parents he wasn't impressed because he was "too smiley."

Nate McMillan Teaches Lawrence Frank Some Ghetto Sayings

Waaaaiiit....like this?

How many times do I have to tell you? Finger out, mouth open. That's how we do it in the hood. Burgaflickle.

Oh, word? Burgaflickle!

Man, white people CRAZY.

Greg Oden Feels Pretty

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the city should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized to honor me.

The Worst Christmas Present Ever

Consider this a public service announcement to any parent of an NBA fan.

Let's say that your son is the biggest Portland Trailblazer fan on the planet. Furthermore, let's say that he's also a big shoe collector. And finally, let's say that your son loves Blazers memorabilia.

Now, given those circumstances, what would be a perfect gift for your son? First, maybe, you consider getting your son a pair of the Brandon Roy Nike Blue Chips. But no, those aren't authentic enough. You want something better than that.

Sure, you could get a Greg Oden jersey or maybe even a Bill Walton throwback. But there's got to be something more legit than those, right?

So you settle on these; game worn Steve Blake And 1 Tai Chis.

And just like that, all your careful planning and deliberation goes out the window. You just bought your son a pair of wack shoes from a mediocre point guard.

So please, parents, beware of what you buy. Just because it's real doesn't mean it's real good.

Did Portland Know?

Greg Oden being out for the season really puts a damper on this whole rookie extravaganza I was expecting. However, as Ziller says, the Blazers may be in an even better situation next year. And while it's totally depressing that Gode has to miss this season, Portland's future is still crazy illuminated. Nonetheless, it's curious that Oden's knee would get so bad so quickly.

Here's what we know - the Blazers put Oden through a battery of medical tests before the draft. According to the most recent reports, his knee was "pristine." However, I have a hard time believing that Oden hurt his knee so severely that he would need surgery just from getting off his couch. I would surmise that there must have been some sort of underlying problem with his knee (and I'm not the only one), and either the Blazers team didn't catch it or they thought it wasn't serious enough to worry about. Or perhaps there was something more sinister to this.

I haven't even convinced myself that this is within the realm of feasibility, but I think there is some sliver of reality that the Blazers could have known that there was a chance this could happen. Think of it this way; the Blazers knew that adding Oden would not immediately vault them in to upper echelon status. And though it's an amazing stretch of the imagination to even contemplate this, couldn't the Blazers have possibly taken Oden with the knowledge that he could miss this year, therefore ensuring that they would have another high draft pick next year?

Thinking back, the acquisition of Channing Frye was suspicious. Portland gave up their best player (Zach Randolph) in return for a guy who would theoretically be backing up Oden and LaMarcus Aldridge. This is not a valuable trade for Portland, except that they rid themselves of Randolph's chemistry destroying ways. Therefore there is no one to challenge Brandon Roy's alpha dog status. The team gets a year to learn each other, then next year they add Oden and another top 5 pick? To me , that sounds like a terrific growth plan.

Yes, this theory is just this side of ludicrous and way past the line of risky. I'm sure I'll regret typing it in the morning, but just the thought that maybe, possibly, somehow the Blazers knew what they were getting in to really intrigues me. If this doesn't destroy Portland, this could end up beautifully for the Blazers. And if this ever ends up being the case I take my hat off to Kevin Pritchard.

Petteri Koponen is a Playboy. Literally.

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Petteri Koponen

Strengths: ballin ball passer, shoots 3 bombs, contagious grin, played for a team called the Playboys
Weaknesses: youngski, turnover prone, won't play in the US for like 2 years

NBA Comparison (best-case): Drazen Petrovic

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Steve Blake

NBA Comparison (most likely): Kirk Hinrich

Rudy Hernandez, stealer of hearts

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Rudy Fernandez

Strengths: good range on his shot, talented scorer, scruffy facial hair

Weaknesses: defense does not interest him, occasionally turnover prone, will steal wives from numerous Portland men since he's Spanish

NBA Comparison (best-case): Manu Ginobili

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Sasha Vujacic

NBA Comparison (most likely): Kevin Martin