March 28, 2009

Programming Note: OFF

Since I'll be in Toronto until Tuesday evening, I'm leaving the Blowtorch in the paws of my cat Boots with the Fur. She's not a great typist, but she's pretty witty. For instance, it was her idea to poop on the floor in that Brad Miller video. That being said, she's a reclusive genius; the Dave Chappelle of cats, if you will. I wouldn't count on her posting anything, but you might be able to find Blowtorch-branded silliness in or about other Internet locations.

March 27, 2009

More Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters

What up, Earth? We are. LOL.

It's me, Carmelo Kiyan Anthony. Just checkin' in from the deep, dark expanses of Space, wanted to let y'all know what me and Chauncey have been up to this week.

Main thing we've doing, like usual is watching Chauncey's movies. We ain't really know there wasn't going to be tons to do out here, but it's been cool. Like, we thought maybe we'd get a chance to grill out, but supposedly if you go outside the shuttle, you die instantly cause of no oxygen. Which also means the grill wouldn't work, but whatever.

So we stayed in and watched Chauncey's little DVD player. Chauncey, of course, brought Space movies because he loves Space. Right, Chaunce?


His main flick this week, which we watched like 12 times is Wild Wild West. I didn't really think that was too Space-y, but Chauncey says it is.

So after we've watched this probably 8 times, Chauncey goes to the back of the shuttle and about ten minutes later he comes back with this sketch:

Inspired by Dr. Arliss Loveless, Chauncey wants to build this huge Space spider in our bay. I'm like, "yeah, cool, there's nothing else to do." So we started building it and building it and like equipping it with weaponry because that's what Loveless did and Chauncey is mad dedicated to the source material.

After maybe 3 days of building we tried out the Space spider using our shuttle's holding arm. But like, something went wrong and we accidentally detonated the missle before it was unlatched? We're not sure, since we followed Chaunce's detailed blueprint.

So I guess the big story this week is we made a space explosion.

We're alright though. Actually, I feel out-of-this-world good.



P.S. If there's anything you want to know about Space or anything else, let me know. I'll hook you up.

March 25, 2009

The Brad Miller Show: An Evening with Brad Miller

Brad Miller is just a normal guy. He does laundry, cleans up cat poop, and bakes pizza. You know, normal guy stuff.

The Leak

In a world where people get book deals for pictures of other people's cats, pictures of other people's food, and even other people's Tweets, I figure there may be a tiny market for a Blowtorch-helmed book about basketball. And if there isn't, I want to write a book anyways. As such, I've been secretly writing a book that will be published in time for next season.

The question now: who will publish it? More than likely, the answer is me; but if you want to publish it, Famous Book Publishers, that'd be cool too.

To build "buzz," here's a sample chapter regarding Brandon Roy:

Brandon Roy Chapter

(click to enlarge)
Don't worry, there's more where that came from. All offers can be directed directly to The Blowtorch.

Kevin McHale is a Graveyard Smash

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash

March 24, 2009

One Picture, Two Memes: A Blowtorch Guide to Making Jokes

Sometimes I like to do some behind the scenes education for the kids. Today's post is about generating memes. Kids today know a lot about memes, but sometimes they don't know how to make them. But thanks to the ShareBro Meme Incubation Conclave, and careful study with noted meme creator, Carles, I've become fairly proficient at making memes from things.

Here is today's course material:

blowtorch breakdown

By following along, you will see that by using a single picture, we will generate two memes of different stickiness1.

Here is our source material:As you can see, it is a picture of Rashad McCants, Reggie Evans, and Andre Miller from a recent Kings/76ers basketball game. Let's make our first meme!


Our first meme is a basic meme, which tend to be stickier than higher level memes. This meme begins with Rashad McCants' face, which appears to have been distorted at the time of this photograph. Upon seeing his confused look and open mouth, I instantly noticed that he looked similar to the Jamie Foxx character in the upcoming motion picture The Soloist.

By isolating McCants' face and placing it next to a screencapture of Foxx's face from the upcoming motion picture The Soloist, we have created a basic meme:

Now a lot of blogs will stop at the basic meme. Because it's an easy joke and has maximum stickiness2, this is a pretty sound model for generating bloggable content. However, there is even greater comedic potential if we delve deeper in to the source material.


We will now generate a high level meme. High level memes require both the generator and the audience to be familiar with numerous aspects of popular culture, sometimes from bygone eras.

For this high level meme, we will isolate the entirety of Reggie Evans. As you can see in our source material, Evans appears to be pleading with the referee for some unknown injustice. You will also note that he is bald and is seemingly pockmarked (though this may just be beard follicles).

Now to generate the meme, I immediately thought of how similar Reggie Evans looked to the musician Seal. I then referenced Seal's #1 hit "Kiss From a Rose." By overlaying a particularly appropriate stanza from this beautiful song, I have created a high level meme. However, in order for this meme to be successful, I'm assuming the audience a) agrees that Reggie Evans looks like Seal, b) they know the hit song "Kiss From a Rose," and c) they realize that this lyric of desperation correlates with the look on Evans' face. Because all three of these factors must be agreed upon, this meme is significantly less sticky. It is through the use of high level memes that the Blowtorch has gained critical acclaim while not often crossing over to mainstream audiences.


Not everything is deserving of a meme. As noted on today's guide, Andre Miller's grimace does not strike me as particularly memeworthy. This is, in part, because Andre Miller is likely the least interesting person to ever play professional basketball. However, to each his own meme. If you feel this is memeworthy, by all means, create and share your meme.


I hope that this tutorial on Blowtorch meme generation has proven both educational and insightful. I may have given away some secrets, but the great thing about memes is that they belong to all of us. The Internet will support an infinite amount of memes, but only the best will receive international acclaim. Good luck in your own meme generation, and remember, have fun!

  1. Stickiness is how long-lasting the meme is. It is a scientific measure of how many people are aware and use the meme.
  2. In this case, it could be suggested that The Soloist become a McCants nickname.

March 23, 2009

Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters

What's up. I'm Carmelo Anthony. I like adventures. They're great. I've been on tons of adventures, because I'm very rich. Like multi-millionaire rich.

I've travelled across the Atlantic Ocean in the stomach of a blue whale. I've chartered a hot air balloon to visit the Canadian tundra. One time, I rode my bicycle down a very steep hill. So don't question my credentials when it comes to adventuring, because I'm legit. And rich.

But this is my biggest adventure yet. I'm in space.
Space is scary, son. It's all dark and cold and there's no way to get Blazin' Buffalo Ranch Doritos, but I figured that since I'm rich and adventurous I needed to go to space. Like Lance Bance but without the bejewed space suits.

I don't wanna get lonely, so I brought my main man Chauncey Billups with me.


Chauncey for real loves space. He's watches space movies like Men in Black and Independence Day and Men in Black 2 and The Legend of Bagger Vance, so you know he really loves space a lot. He brought a portable DVD player with him and he's got the entire Fresh Prince of Bel-Air series, which we've been watching. I'm not too sure how space-y that is, but if Chauncey's watching it, it must be.

He don't like Kevin Spacey though. Probably because K-Pax was wack.

But I wanted you dudes on Earth to see how much fun we're having up here in the deep, dark void of space. Here's a postcard we had made in one of those photo booth things:

You can tell we're having a great time. I'll check back in soon.

Peace on Earth. LOL


March 20, 2009

The NBA Cares...Or Do They?

I'm scared, guys. For the kids. I am scared for the kids. I'm worried that the NBA is trying to kill them. It's not just paranoia, like when Will Smith freaks out in I Am Legend. This is legit.

Don't believe me? Fine. Sacrifice your children's lives. I don't care. It's your families blood line that you're choosing to jeapordize. But if you decide you want to understand how they're doing it, here's some proof.

First is the psychological method. As you can see from the picture below, a mentalist was sent to brainwash children in New York. People inside the yellow region have been given earplugs which prevents them from intaking the deadly message that this man is transmitting. In the orange region, the children have clearly been poisoned from the inside-out. You can see it on their faces. The disinterested looks, the glassy eyes, the blank stares; all are classic symptoms of brainwashing-induced coma. The child in the red region is in the early stages of this syndrome.

As for the man hiding behind the mentalist, trying to appear nonchalant; he's the financier. His suit and tie are a dead giveaway that he's the money man behind this whole operation.

If the psychological method isn't effective, the NBA has also mobilized its most lethal killing machine.

Look at the glee on LeBron's face as he bowls over numerous children IN PLAIN SIGHT. 260 pounds of muscle and bone pounding in to the chest cavities of these youngsters, grinning as they are unaware of their impeding doom. This aggression must not go unchecked.

For years, the NBA has told us that they are trying to give back to the community through programs such as NBA Cares and the ill-fated association with Billy Crystal's Comic Relief. However, these two pictures clearly show the truly horrific nature of David Stern's covert operation to eliminate his foes. The only question, is "why?"

March 17, 2009

Determining Sean May's Waist Circumference

An NBA basketball is 9 inches in diameter. I've included two cross sections of ball, which overlap across Sean May's waist. As you can see there is slight overlap, probably about an inch and a half. This leaves us 16.5 inches across the front of Sean's waist.

If we assume that the back of his waist is the same as the front, we're currently at 33 inches. Since Sean is a three-dimensional being, we have to account for his sides. If we conservatively estimate his thickness at 2/3rds of a basketball, we have 6 inches on both sides.


Front (16.5) + back (16.5) + right side (6) + left side (6) = 45 inches

Which in turn, explains why this happens:
When the first suggested result of your name is that your fat, rather than that you play professional basketball, it's probably time to re-examine your eating habits.

March 16, 2009

Breaking News: Steve Nash is Your Friend's Dad

I didn't really ever realize it until this picture, but Steve Nash is totally your friend's dad. Let's run down the reasons from head to toe:

  1. Side part - Your friend's dad Steve doesn't want you to notice that his hair is thinning. On days when he's feeling particularly rebellious, he parts it the other way.
  2. Exposed chest hair - Steve can't hope to contain that luscious V of chest foliage. He oozes virility.
  3. Medical ID bracelet - If Steve has a diabetic attack, he wants you to know there's an epipen in his old nylon duffle bag.
  4. Shorts above the knees - He doesn't want any hindrance during those 5-6 times a game when he actually bends his legs.
  5. White socks with black shoes - Your buddy's dad stopped caring about aesthetics back when Garth Brooks released the Chris Gaines album.

Next time you and your dad and your friend and his dad get together to play ball, give me a call. I'll bring my dad. He can still ball. I just found this picture of him:

Don't worry; he's legit.

March 13, 2009

Miss You, 1990s

Back in the 1990s, I was a Ken Griffey, Jr. fan. Who wasn't, right? We have shared experiences now. That's what makes us have things in common. Because having things in common means that we have shared experiences. Science. Vocabulary. The dictionary. Wikipedia.

So anyways, we were talking about how all of us liked Ken Griffey, Jr. so much that Pokey Reese actually became an important name to know, circa the Reds trade. And that's hilarious, because Pokey Reese. If you don't get it, sorry. It comes from him being bad while at the same time being named Pokey and not being an orange horse.

But we liked Ken Griffey, Jr. remember. Around the same time, my sister joined the Shaquille O'Neal fan club, which was called SHAQ WORLD or something. I've messed up the timeline because he was still in Orlando when she joined and we (me and you and everyone we know) liked Griffey in Seattle. So this was like 1995-ish, but I had to mention Pokey Reese, because obviously. If I remember right, I think the logo looked something like this, which I just drew on a Post-It:
But now, it's kinda sad seeing this picture because Griffey's all old and back on Seattle but not really wanted and he wears guyabera shirts that are too big because he's probably a little soft around the middle. And then Shaq tucks in his warm-up because that's what you do when you get to be near 40. And I bought my sister a Shaq ornament and the movie Kazaam for Christmas because those things actually exist and that fact is funny.

Sometimes I feel bad because these dudes used to be heroes but now they're sort of punchlines and barely hanging on. But then, it's like, "hey, Shaq and Ken Griffey, Jr. are still playing." That's pretty cool.

March 11, 2009

The Brad Miller Show: Brad Miller Eats Fun Dip

Some athletes take expensive supplements for energy. Others are slaves to 5 Hour Energy, Red Bull, and other sugar-laden disasters. Not Brad Miller. He kicks it old-school; nickel and dime store Fun Dip, son.

An Annotated Guide to Typical Clipper Fans

Clippers fans
The above photograph was taken at last night's Clippers game. I have marked it up so that you can understand the different groups of people who choose to attend a basketball game of the worst team in the NBA. What follows is a color-coded description of these various groups.

  • Light blue - various Bros
  • White - the murderer from Pauly Shore's Jury Duty
  • Red - failed central casting mobsters
  • Yellow - Band of Horses hopeful
  • Green - escapees from local mental institution Shady Oaks
  • Lavender - bit players from multiple Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire

While this is only one game, this subset of people is generally the standard for Clippers games. In 2005, members of the cast from Crash had front row seats, marking the first time Matt Dillon has been considered an A-lister1.

Though it isn't commonplace, one actual star was sitting courtside last night.During a brief interview by sideline reporter Lauren Harrington, Cruz was quoted as saying, "ZEEZ ES BALONCESTO?! HOW DARES YOU TELL ME WHAT EEZ AND EEZENT BALONCESTO!! I AM ME AND I SAY WHEN EEZ BALONCESTO!!" Cruz then proceeded to break all of the ceramic dishes in the Staples Center.

The next time you're watching a Clippers game2, keep this guide in mind. And if you happen to end up next to Penelope Cruz, don't forget your ear plugs.

  1. Except, of course, for the numerous times people mistakenly thought he was Matt Damon.
  2. Never.

March 10, 2009

I Saw Your Dad Play Basketball Last Night

I stopped by Wizards/Wolves game last night because I didn't have anything to do and they were giving out tickets in exchange for canned food. Something about Y2K, I guess. Seemed pretty legit, but maybe they were planning on deploying some kind of horrible weaponry and needed a stocked bomb shelter. Either way, I took my can of peaches with me down to the gym and got a seat.

And dude, your DAD was playing for the Timberwolves. Yeah, seriously, your dad.

I'm sure it was him. He was bald but had that little bit of side hair like Scott Skiles and the flesh-colored beard. It had to have been your dad. You said he's been able to get back in the gym after the heart thing, right? Yeah, I thought so. It was definitely him. He had the knee braces on and everything.

Oh, and he was doing all those old man moves, like hooking guys when he spins down low and shooting that fade-away from the left block that he loves so much. And he was throwing all kinds of backdoor passes.

I'm telling you, it was him. He was so sweaty. It was kinda gross, but he's like 50 something right? I mean, I sweat a lot and I'm only 25. I can't imagine how sweaty I'll be when I'm 50. I guess twice as sweaty, technically. That's a lot of sweat. I'm a little nauseous just thinking about it.

But it was cool seeing your dad playing again. He was seriously taking it to some of the younger guys. Next time you talk to him, tell him I say hi. He'll know what it means.

1000 Words: Chris Paul is Disintegrating

You guys, I've seen The Ring. He's got no more than 4 days left. Thanks for showing him that tape, Jazz fans. Babies.

March 9, 2009

Are the Celtics Dirty?

Tom Ziller started an interesting discussion on whether or not the Celtics are dirty. As you can imagine, Celtics fans disagree. And because they're Celtics fans, they have to respond and defend and kind of ignore the initial argument. It's how former Celtic great Gary Payton would have wanted it, as you can see by his television work.

However, I don't know why they're all fighting. If everyone had just asked me, I could have easily explained whether or not certain players are dirty. It's easy. You look at their grooming habits and decide.

Here's an quick reference guide. Explanations are below.

Celtics Dirty

Glen Davis - I bet he's one of those fat guys that smells like baby powder. NOT DIRTY

Bill Walker - Always looks like he has a dip in. DIRTY

Ray Allen - Impeccably groomed. NOT DIRTY

Eddie House - Beard maintenence proves dedication to hygeine. NOT DIRTY

Gabe Pruitt - Attended Southern California, home of lots of bros. NOT DIRTY

Kendrick Perkins - Probably has to wear a bib when he eats ribs. DIRTY

Kevin Garnett - Aside from chin, completely hairless. NOT DIRTY

Mikki Moore - Owns a snake. DIRTY

Leon Powe - Has two side jobs: garbageman and construction worker. DIRTY

Paul Pierce - Refuses to shower since Antoine Walker retired. DIRTY

Rajon Rondo - Smoothest skin in NBA history. NOT DIRTY

Stephon Marbury - Has a head tattoo. DIRTY

As you can see, the Celtics have six dirty players and six who are not. I think this settles that argument. You're welcome.

March 6, 2009

Movie Knowledge

I know at least 3 people who live in Los Angeles (used to be four, before the Mihm trade). They're pretty big time. Anyways, through them, I've recently learned that there will be an Ocean's 14. The basic plot of this installment is the stealing of not just money, but the entirety of the Memphis Grizzlies franchise. And since I'm lucky, I got this screen shot of Carl Reiner's Saul Bloom getting in deep with the Grizzlies.
Look at how he's nailed Henry Bibby's mannerisms. The transformation is shocking.

March 4, 2009

The Brad Miller Show: Brad Miller Helps Families Save Their Homes

Using ingenuity, common sense, and stoner logic, Brad Miller proposes a plan to help normal families pay their mortgages.

The Stars Come Out

Last night was the first time Pau Gasol and Marc Gasol have played each other in Los Angeles. Yeah, they've played in Memphis before but the only celebrities in Memphis are Three-6-Mafia and BB King's corpse. Needless to say, things are bigger in LA.

Even the Gasol's realized this. They tried their first fist pound ever for the occasion.
Having succeeded with the fist pound. The Gasol's pranced up and down the court.

I'm pretty sure they were excited because their brother David (pronounced "DAH-veed") was in the house. They hadn't seen him since they left Spain.

Of course, David Gasol wasn't the only big name in attendance. Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy came out to scout his potential Finals opponent.

The stars of 2002's Best Picture winner Anger Management were courtside.
As a special promotion, it was "90s night." The Lakers invited people who haven't been relevant in years to come and sit courtside. It was their way of acknowledging that even though the don't have the clout to deserve premium seats, they aren't forgotten.

For instance, "musician" Fred Durst was allowed in public for the first time since that song with Method Man. One of the biggest surprises was that the Lakers invited the spirit of 1999 era Jared Leto to attend the game. Not surprisingly, 1999 era Jared Leto was happy to attend.With all these huge stars showing up, Andy Garcia was relegated to the nosebleeds. Again. Sorry, Andy. At least you got 8th billing in the Ocean's 11 franchise.

March 3, 2009

I'm Optimus Prime

I can't believe this video didn't get picked up sooner, because it's incredible. Brook Lopez is every kid ever at the age of 10, except he's 20 years old and a multi-millionaire.

Collected NBA Facts Regarding Space Travel

  • In 1986, at age 14, Grant Hill was abducted and held for ransom by a Soviet sleeper cell. Knowing that Hill's mother, Janet, had been a college roommate of Hillary Clinton (then Arkansas' First Lady), the Soviets sought to obtain space shuttle launch codes via ransom. The plan was foiled when Hill bargained for his release by presenting his captors with a nearly impossible riddle. Upon their incorrect answer, the kidnappers released Hill protecting valuable NASA secrets. Hill refuses to reveal the riddle and the answer to this day.

  • Since the year 2000, David Robinson has overseen the production of what will be the first commercially available, manually piloted spacecraft. The prototype is called The Admiral and will be made public by 2015. The projected cost is $750,000.

  • Former Los Angeles Clipper swingman Kenny Battle claims to have been abducted by aliens in the summer of 1989. Taken in to their spacecraft and interrogated for what felt like 2 weeks (in reality 16 minutes), Battle informed the space travellers of the basic traditions of human life. In return, Battle was gifted athletic shoe inserts made from an unknown polymer that helped him gain entry in to the 1990 Slam Dunk Contest.

  • Prior to learning the game of basketball, Alan Henderson was locally famous in West Virginia for his stand-out performances at space camps up and down the East Coast. Tutored by the legendary Charles Brady, Henderson committed himself to becoming a United States astronaut. However, when his height exceeded 6'4", Henderson's dreams were dashed. After nearly 4 years of clinical depression, Henderson chose to play basketball and wore number 44 to commemorate the number of outer space trips that Brady had made.

  • Many people think that Sam Cassell looks like an alien. Most aliens think he looks like the Pan's Labyrinth creature that had eyeballs in its hands. Additionally, most aliens consider themselves to look most like former Seattle Supersonics forward Jack Sikma.

  • Critically derided as a children's movie upon it's release, 1996's Space Jam is actually a highly stylized documentary chronicling the Looney Tunes triumph over the Monstars. Producers felt that introducing animated elements would lend the story a fantasy element that would make it more enjoyable for mainstream audiences. A director's cut, with no animation, is to be included in the Criterion Collection version of the DVD, which should be in stores by Christmas of this year.

March 2, 2009

You're Stupid

The circumstances surrounding my viewing of Who Shot Mamba? are beyond strange. At first, it was hard to believe that this was an actual movie. I mean, the logistics of shooting a feature film about snake murder and the scrapped synthetic basketball are a good enough jokes in and of themselves. I even thought they now expunged trailer was the whole of the movie, because that seemed like something that could easily be done for a joke. But then the IMDB page appeared, completely confirming the existence of WSM?.

So it exists. That enough is shocking. Also shocking was when Brian offered to make some screeners, I guess to "reward" patient readers. As a huge fan of jokes and things, I signed up. So the DVD gets pressed, but due to shipping problems it couldn't be sent. Twice. Because I was obviously meant to see this movie, Brian happened to be visiting in a town about 20 minutes from where I live. You'd be surprised how many people are seeing a movie at 10 am on a Saturday, but that didn't make getting the DVD feel anything less like a drug deal from a movie about drug dealing.

When I told my wife we'd be watching it, she asked what it was about. I had no idea how to explain it. I told her it was about jokes and basketball and snakes. After seeing the movie, I think I'd probably describe it the exact same way. It's hilarious and totally bizarre and has AT LEAST Foot Fist Way potential to be a cult hit. Certainly NBA bloggers are going to love it because it's like watching YaySports, but normal people will be interested too, as long as they like jokes. It's catchphrase-y, straight out funny, absurd, and there are certain items in the movie that I would like to own.

I've never written a movie review before, as you can probably tell. I just know how to say that I like things that are funny. This is a thing that is funny. I hope every person on planet Earth gets to see it soon.