Deron Williams Has Some Important Information

We know, Deron. But thanks.

Deron Williams Goes to the Barber

Deron Williams goes in to the barber and says, "give me a stoplight."

The barber says, "stoplight? What are you talking about?"

So Deron Williams says, "you know, red, yellow, green."

And the barber says, "I know what a stoplight is, but it's not a haircut."

Then Deron Williams says, "sure it is. Let my beard go, stop my hair from growing on my temples, and be careful with the top — I don't have much to work with up there."

What Is In Carlos Boozer's Box?

Way to go Carlos Boozer! You found...

• Balloon Boy
• Stephon Marbury
• Lifetime supply of extra-strength Nair for Men
• Beard trimmer
• Whoop
• Picture of Talia Shire
• Human head
• Prime rib and peppercorn sub from Quiznos
• Book he ordered from Amazon a few weeks ago that he forgot about
• Car adapters for mp3 player, shipped from Singapore
• Less feminine bracelet
• A smaller box
• Packing peanuts
• Rock Band 2 for Wii
• Sardines

RetroTorch: Andrei Kirilenko Gets Career Advice

"ЬЦT PЦH-PДШ, ЗЭF I CДИЙФT MДSTЗЯ ЭVЗИ ФЙЗ SКЭЗL, I VILL ИФT SЦCCЭЗD.

"ДИDЯЗI, MУ SФЙ. FФЯ ZЭ LДST TIMЗ, ЧФЦ ИЭЗD ЙФT MДSTЭЯ ДИУ SКЗЭL. JЦST ЬЗCФMЭ GФФT ЗЭЙ MДИЧ. ZЗЙ, MУ SФИ, ЧФЦ ШILL GЭT MДЙУ ЯЦЪLЗS."

"DД, FДSHД. I ЬЗLIЭVЗ УФЦ."

"VЗЯSДTILITУ, ДИDЯЭI. ZДT ЗЭS ZЗ MФST ЭЗMPФЯTДЙT SКЭЗL."

"DД, FДSHД. DД."

The Utah Jazz Get Their Revenge

Last night I was watching Law & Order because that's what you have to watch if you want watch playoff games on TNT. It was the episode where a guy commits a murder and he thinks he's going to get away with it, but at the end, he ends up getting convicted. You know, that episode.

But I could see through Law & Order's ruse. This whole "show" was a sham. It was a sham show, operated by loyal Utah Jazz fans who have been holding a grudge against the Chicago Bulls for more than 10 years. Finally, through the power of television, they'd have vengeance.

The first thing that tipped me off was hiring Jerry Sloan to serve as fake prosecutor on this fake show about fake courtroom drama. I thought it was interesting how he played against type as a curmudgeonly, rule-following, authoritarian. It was a bold decision by the casting director, and I applaud Sloan for taking the chance. I knew something was up was when Jeff Hornacek showed up as the judge.

So you have Jerry Sloan and Jeff Hornacek working for the public, trying to convict a murderer, who had already been acquited once. Hmmmmm...TWO murders that are TOTALLY illegal and it's SOOO wrong that the murderer actually got away with it. Sounds familiar. Clearly, this is a case (pun) of the Utah Jazz saying that the Bulls didn't deserve their two championships in '97 and '98. Oh, and the murderer? Jud Buechler.

To recap, we have Jerry Sloan and Jeff Hornacek trying to send Jud Buechler to jail for the two murders from which he wrongfully avoided jail time. The only thing that could make this more obviously a smear job is if Buechler's lawyer was a certain athletic shooting guard.

That's right. Pete Myers was hired as the defense attorney. Obviously Jordan isn't going to support this mockery, and there's no way anyone would willingly put Scottie Pippen's wrinkly head on television. Pretty lame, considering he didn't even play for the teams that beat you.

And of course, the dramatic final moments show Pete Myers and Jud Buechler commiserating in their loss IN COURT. How could I forget? Two Utah Jazz beat two Chicago Bulls in court. That couldn't possibly be a coincidence that it sounds just like ON court.

Nice try, Utah Jazz basketball team. Real classy how you had to set up this elaborate plot to get over getting beat by the Bulls ten years ago. I'll be sure to tune in to your other Utah propaganda show, How I Met All Six of Your Mothers.

Utah Jazz Fans Are Such Babies

Oh, please, Utah Jazz fans. Stop being such stupid babies. You're always whining about pureed carrots, or Chris Paul, or that you need a nap. Enough already.

I mean, seriously, stop acting so infantile. We're all grown-ups here. Well, except for you. I can't believe how immature you're being about all of this.

Yeah, great, you have a Carlos Boozer jersey. I guess that explains why you cry so much. Could you please stop with the crying? No, Deron Williams is not better than Chris Paul and I will not get you your blanket. I offered to get you your blanket earlier and you said you were hot. Make up your mind.

I've had just about enough of your neediness and approval-seeking behavior. Not to mention that your grasping reflex is endlessly frustrating. And the tantrums. PLEASE stop with the tantrums. You look like an idiot. I don't know how many different ways I can explain that Paul Millsap is just as good as Carlos Boozer, so stop crying. You can burp yourself if that's how you're going to act.

You are so selfish. When was the last time you fixed me a meal? Or admitted that Matt Harpring wasn't good? I can tell you: never. Would it kill you to feed me some strained peas from a tiny glass jar?

Seriously, I'm not getting your blanket no matter how loud you cry. You've got your binky, isn't that enough? Of course it isn't. It never is for you. Let me guess, you want me to tell you that you can win a championship this year. That's it, right? Well too bad.

You've got a lot of growing up to do.

The Utah Jazz Jump On It

What's up, Utah, what's up

What's up, Utah, what's up

Utah, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it

Sarah Palin Speaks About Fellow Alaskan Carlos Boozer's Hamstring Injury

Well, ya know, when you talk about Carlos Boozer you're talking about a power forward from Alaska. Not some Washington insider, he's like you and me.

Listen this isn't some Washington insider who isn't Joe Six-Pack. Carlos Boozer does what me and John McCain try to do, which is show the American people that we need a change. We need to shore up this economy, just like Carlos Boozer, who is, ya know, a former Alaskan who also isn't an insider, but Carlos Boozer needs to heal his hamstring.

You know, Carlos Boozer is injured. Say it ain't so, Carlos! I think it's a good barometer, here, as we try to figure out if this is a good time or bad time for Carlos's hamstring, is to go to a Jazz game and turn to any Joe Six-Pack and say, how is Carlos Boozer's hamstring?

And I'll bet you, you're going to hear some fear in that fan's voice, fear regarding the few hamstrings that Carlos Boozer has in his legs. Did he just take a major hit with that hamstring?

Fear about, how are we going to win games? A fear, as Jazz fans, perhaps, how we're going to score points and make more baskets than other teams.

The barometer there, I think, is going to be resounding that his hamstring is hurting and the Utah Jazz have not provided the sound oversight that Carlos Boozer needs.

We're tired of the old hamstrings as usual. And that's why, with all due respect, I do respect Carlos Boozer's performance on the US national team, but I think Alaskans are craving something new and different and that new energy and that new commitment that's going to come with signing Trajan Langdon.

The Weakest Link: Utah Jazz

Someone, possibly Karl Marx, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Utah Jazz and Jarron Collins…

As Stanford University’s Brook and Robin Lopez await the NBA Draft, a NBA head’s thoughts naturally turn to Stanford’s own fabled Collins twins.

You see, the Collins twins (Jarron and Jason) were very good high school basketball players. So good in fact, that each of them were named to the McDonald’s All-American team. Together, they attended Stanford University where they were still good players, but not great. Each made numerous All-American teams and entered the NBA draft. Jason was picked in the first round while Jarron went late in the second.

Not surprisingly, the Collins twins have become below average pros. Unforeseen to most scouts, the Collins twins lack of athleticism, emotion, and intensity have left them as inconsequential pieces on sometimes decent teams. It is quite the task to determine which of the Collins twins have had the better career. Jason has appeared in an NBA Finals but was recently traded to the Grizzlies. Jarron has seen his playing time dwindle since his rookie year in Utah. So I take it back, it’s pretty obvious Jason is better.

Consider this a warning to all GMs thinking about Brook and Robin Lopez. Separating twins steals their powers.

Fun Facts:
Wears #31 in honor of Reggie Miller…favorite color is chocolate brown…nickname is Chocolate Brown…has sampled sushi from 47 of 50 states…favorite movie is “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”…bench presses 165 lbs.

Proof That Jarron Collins is the Crosseyed:

The Re-Education of Andrei Kirilenko

By all accounts, Andrei Kirilenko has been ridiculous this summer. I've been a huge AK supporter ever since I saw him throw one of my favorite passes ever in a summer league game. Driving from the right wing, Kirilenko reached the block and threw some kind of two hand, over the head pass to a guy driving the lane behind him. That's a terrible description, but seeing it was awesome. Anyways, AK47 lit up Lithuania in the Eurobasket finals and now I'm pumped for him to do something on the Jazz.

Kirilenko is one of those once-in-a-lifetime players. Not in the Jordan, Bird, Magic way but in more of a Barkley, Manute Bol, Khalid El-Amin kind of way. By my very scientific calculations, he has the longest arms in the history of guys who aren't seven feet tall. Those Inspector Gadgets allow him to block an insane amount of shots and get his hands on a ton of steals. And given space, he can be a reliable scorer. Not to mention that he looks like Ivan Drago.

Kirilenko's the type of player who you don't want to see put on muscle because so much of his effectiveness comes from his arms' ability to be in six places at once. Word was, he was nearly traded to the Suns for Shawn Marion. Sadly, this trade didn't go down as it would have been the most perfect situation in the league for him. Rather than having to play out of position as a power forward, when Kirilenko is given a chance to create, he's deadly. I don't know if it's because of his angular body, but he seems to have a knack for exploiting strange angles to the basket.

Nonetheless, Kirilenko is a Jazzster again this year. That means he'll probably be stuck shooting jumpers on kickouts from Chesthairlos Boozer in a tremendous waste of his unique skill set. But keep your eye on the stat sheet because he's sure to bust out something like an 18/14/6 with 9 blocks and 3 steals.

Morris Almond aka Mo-Nuts

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Morris Almond

Strengths: serious 3-point range, explosivo!, crazy good scorer, Mo-Nuts is the best nickname ever
Weaknesses: weak handles, below average defensively, occasionally turnover prone

NBA Comparison (best-case): Ray Allen
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Adam Morrison
NBA Comparison (most likely): Michael Redd