RetroTorch: Brian Winters Joins the Bucks

What's goin' on, sissies?

Name's Brian. Brian Winters. Yeah, you know me.

I'm here because you idiots traded Jabbar. Good one, ya jugheads.

You think I want to be in Wisconsin? This time last year I'm catching perch off the Santa Monica Pier, and now I've gotta choose which of 18 different cheeses I want on my grilled cheese.

Oh, you like my stache? Sure you do. I grew it as a joke cause I knew you jerks are in to that sort of thing.

Let's play some basketball. Give it to the big man and work inside out. Some good basketball. That's what you guys do here, right? No? Oh yeah, you traded your big man. Good one.

I can't believe you bunch of stupids won a title. How's Brian Winters supposed to make things work here? Want me to grow a beard and get a pair of goggles? Too bad. I hate skiing.

If you need me, I'll be parting my hair.

RetroTorch: Andrei Kirilenko Gets Career Advice

"ЬЦT PЦH-PДШ, ЗЭF I CДИЙФT MДSTЗЯ ЭVЗИ ФЙЗ SКЭЗL, I VILL ИФT SЦCCЭЗD.

"ДИDЯЗI, MУ SФЙ. FФЯ ZЭ LДST TIMЗ, ЧФЦ ИЭЗD ЙФT MДSTЭЯ ДИУ SКЗЭL. JЦST ЬЗCФMЭ GФФT ЗЭЙ MДИЧ. ZЗЙ, MУ SФИ, ЧФЦ ШILL GЭT MДЙУ ЯЦЪLЗS."

"DД, FДSHД. I ЬЗLIЭVЗ УФЦ."

"VЗЯSДTILITУ, ДИDЯЭI. ZДT ЗЭS ZЗ MФST ЭЗMPФЯTДЙT SКЭЗL."

"DД, FДSHД. DД."

RetroTorch: the Dream Team Promotes Contraceptives

Though the Nuva Ring prototypes were cumbersome and unwieldy, the Dream Team's enthusiam for birth control was certainly commendable.

RetroTorch: Detroit Water Torture

They were all smiles when Isiah filled Bill's bathtub. It was when he held him underwater that the mood changed.

(via)

RetroTorch: Julius Caesar Gets a Signature Sandal

Following his impressive circumvallation of Alesia during the Gallic War, Greek goddess of victory, Nike, divined that Roman Emperor Julius Caesar should be the first Emperor to wear his own signature sandal. "The Caesar" features the latest technological advances including leather, laces, and a sole. When reached for comment by carrier pigeon, the Emperor responded in a dead language that cannot be translated.

RetroTorch: Wilt Chamberlain Dunks

While Wilt Chamberlain dunked, teammate Tom Meschery was frozen in terror. Wilt hadn't seen the enormous robot destroyer approaching the court. Just like dinosaurs, if you didn't move, the robots couldn't see you. But, well, Wilt had moved.

Fortunately for Wilt, he was faster than Tom. Unfortunately for Tom, the robot was hungry.