Omri Casspi Shaved His Face

Can we make sure we keep Omri Casspi's razors hidden from him? I thought we had an agreement that we'd do that with all European NBAers anyways. It's in the collective bargaining agreement.


OmBro looks WAY too much like Crispin Glover to be running around all smooth-faced. Next thing you know, Spencer Hawes is going to be collecting even more skulls than usual. And no one is going to sign Andres Nocioni because he gives a weird interview on Letterman.

Get it? Because these are things that Crispin Glover really does and Omri Casspi looks like Crispin Glover. Get your beard back, bro. Crispin Glover is cool and all, but not that cool. And hey, Crispin Glover, you were in Charlie's Angels, you're not that creepy. Relax, Crisp.

But back to Omri Casspi. If he decides to look more like Dean Cain that is acceptable. But good luck with your mediocre career after leaving the place that gave you your start.

DEAN CAIN ZING 2010

Jon Brockman Plays Meaningful Minutes

5:50 remains in the first quarter of a very important Miami Heat/Sacramento Kings game.

Paul Westphal: Jockman? Bron. Jon? Bron Jock...Jon Brockman! Go play basketball.

Uhhhhhhh.....now? Me? But uhhhhhhhh it's uhhhhhh the first quarter period uhhhhh....

Dokay dokey. Gonna go play I guessssssss. Uhhhhhhh thing I migh grabba webounders duhhh...

WHOA. That man is a fast man with duh dwibbling. Like uhhhhhhhh so fast at dwibsles. Maybe he needs help wif duh webounders. Uhhhhhhhhh someone stop him fwom dwibbwing to duuuhhh hoop.

Zoings. No one stopped dwibbly dwibblesons from dwibbling and now he is dunky dwibblesons. Stupey stupid dwibblesons making dunk shot basketball. No webounders make the sads. Duhhhhh....

Paul Westphal: Jockman, you're out.

AWWWWWWWWW! SO NOT FAIR!

The Annotated Brad Miller Drive

Last night I was watching some NBA basketball on television. I was enjoying the Chicago Bulls versus Sacramento Kings basketball game when Brad Miller decided to drive to the basket. This caused me to have some laughs.



Unfortunately, I couldn't find a true copy of the game because of 'blackouts' and 'legal restrictions', so this video will have to do. Nothing says aesthetic quality quite like a videotaped screen with annotations. But for seriously, make some laughs with me as Brad Miller fakes out Spencer Hawes, plays to the camera, and causes the announcers to say some of the most obviously crazy things ever uttered on a broadcast.

Another Business Opportunity

Remember yesterday when I started my consulting business? It seems to be pretty successful so far. In fact, I'm already working with Clearasil on a signature line for Delonte West. It should be pretty big, but that's not the point right now. I think I figured out how to save the economy. All I need is a secondary investor in my new blanket business.

I went to a fabric store the other night, and bought up all of their NBA stock. Then I went to 45 more Chicago area stores to make sure that I have a monopoly on this spun gold. With a little help from you (the investor), I'll be able to hire between 4 and 6 sewers, while I handle the designs. I already made this prototype.

I gave that one to Ziller to give to his wife, but we're going to be targeting high end clients. They're the only ones with any money to spend. You're telling me that the Alyssa Milanos and Jessica Albas and Zac Effrons aren't going to want a luxurious poncho made of the finest NBA fleece? Come on. This is 2009. Ponchos are coming back again. I don't see how this can fail.

Oh, and the name is already taken care of: Blowtorch Blankets. Duh.

What Happened Was

I was in Canada (the country) for three days, and just returned to a totally different NBA. And it's not just the NBA that changed, it's everything about America. Maybe I'm just seeing things in a different light, now that I've experienced a completely different culture, but things aren't making sense.

When I left, so many moons ago, cloning was illegal. Now, it appears that if you have enough money you can pay someone to make your identical double to give you back rubs and laugh at your jokes even if they aren't funny.

And that's not the only genetic modifications that are now allowed. Always ahead of the curve, the Spurs have somehow found a way to make their players 15% larger than they usually are. The advantages of this are numerous. Not only are scoring, rebounding, and defending far easier, kneeing people in the genitals is almost commonplace after the size increase procedure.

I'm not terribly surprised because Obama. He's changing things (mostly basketball-related genetics, obviously). But it was a little weird to me that David Stern decided to change the rules of basketball when they've been the same for so long. That he's no allowing Greco Roman wrestling during games is off-putting. That it occurs between a Spaniard and a Frenchman is all the more jarring.

And to top things off, the Kings retired my Dad's number. I mean, I've always enjoyed playing with him; he's a great passer and suprisingly nimble, but I'm not sure why an NBA team is retiring his jersey when he's never played in the NBA.

Canada is so much different than America, and I spent so much time deeply embedded in their culture that it's been such a hard adjustment coming back. In time, I hope to understand this fascinating new league.

One Picture, Two Memes: A Blowtorch Guide to Making Jokes

Sometimes I like to do some behind the scenes education for the kids. Today's post is about generating memes. Kids today know a lot about memes, but sometimes they don't know how to make them. But thanks to the ShareBro Meme Incubation Conclave, and careful study with noted meme creator, Carles, I've become fairly proficient at making memes from things.

Here is today's course material:

By following along, you will see that by using a single picture, we will generate two memes of different stickiness1.

Here is our source material:As you can see, it is a picture of Rashad McCants, Reggie Evans, and Andre Miller from a recent Kings/76ers basketball game. Let's make our first meme!

GENERATING A BASIC MEME

Our first meme is a basic meme, which tend to be stickier than higher level memes. This meme begins with Rashad McCants' face, which appears to have been distorted at the time of this photograph. Upon seeing his confused look and open mouth, I instantly noticed that he looked similar to the Jamie Foxx character in the upcoming motion picture The Soloist.

By isolating McCants' face and placing it next to a screencapture of Foxx's face from the upcoming motion picture The Soloist, we have created a basic meme:

Now a lot of blogs will stop at the basic meme. Because it's an easy joke and has maximum stickiness2, this is a pretty sound model for generating bloggable content. However, there is even greater comedic potential if we delve deeper in to the source material.

GENERATING A HIGH LEVEL MEME

We will now generate a high level meme. High level memes require both the generator and the audience to be familiar with numerous aspects of popular culture, sometimes from bygone eras.

For this high level meme, we will isolate the entirety of Reggie Evans. As you can see in our source material, Evans appears to be pleading with the referee for some unknown injustice. You will also note that he is bald and is seemingly pockmarked (though this may just be beard follicles).

Now to generate the meme, I immediately thought of how similar Reggie Evans looked to the musician Seal. I then referenced Seal's #1 hit "Kiss From a Rose." By overlaying a particularly appropriate stanza from this beautiful song, I have created a high level meme. However, in order for this meme to be successful, I'm assuming the audience a) agrees that Reggie Evans looks like Seal, b) they know the hit song "Kiss From a Rose," and c) they realize that this lyric of desperation correlates with the look on Evans' face. Because all three of these factors must be agreed upon, this meme is significantly less sticky. It is through the use of high level memes that the Blowtorch has gained critical acclaim while not often crossing over to mainstream audiences.

RECOGNIZING NON-MEMEWORTHY CONTENT

Not everything is deserving of a meme. As noted on today's guide, Andre Miller's grimace does not strike me as particularly memeworthy. This is, in part, because Andre Miller is likely the least interesting person to ever play professional basketball. However, to each his own meme. If you feel this is memeworthy, by all means, create and share your meme.

IN CLOSING

I hope that this tutorial on Blowtorch meme generation has proven both educational and insightful. I may have given away some secrets, but the great thing about memes is that they belong to all of us. The Internet will support an infinite amount of memes, but only the best will receive international acclaim. Good luck in your own meme generation, and remember, have fun!

1. Stickiness is how long-lasting the meme is. It is a scientific measure of how many people are aware and use the meme.
2. In this case, it could be suggested that The Soloist become a McCants nickname.
   

The Maloofs Should Stop Calling Terrence Howard

Okay, guys, this isn't funny anymore. I am not Eddie Jordan, so please stop calling.

Do you people really think all black people look alike? I've won awards. I'm a well respected actor. And let me repeat, I. AM NOT. EDDIE JORDAN.

Didn't you see Crash? It won an Oscar, and I was riveting as Cameron Thayer, a television producer who is the victim of racism. Seriously, that scene when I get pulled over after Thandie is getting busy was amazing. You could see me trying not to cry, right? Trust me, it was good. I was good.

Maybe Crash isn't your thing. Well, I was in Iron Man, too. Yeah, THAT Iron Man. The one that destroyed any other superhero movie ever. I was in that. It was just a supporting role, but if you don't think I didn't bring some serious gravitas to my role as Tony Stark's best friend, Col. James Rhodes, you're a filthy liar. I was even supposed to be the star of the next one, but sequels are for suckers. And Don Cheadle.

So to review; in Oscar winners, in record-breakers, not Eddie Jordan. So please stop calling me, Mr. and Mr. Maloof.

Judging by your incessant calling, I'm guessing you've seen Pride, where I star as Jim Ellis, a guy who starts an all Black swim team. The premise seems crazy, right? But I made those kids GOOD. So I guess I can see why you'd think I'd be a great coach. If you can get Black kids to swim, you can do anything.

Or was it Hustle and Flow? You probably liked how great I was in that. The Academy did. I was very inspirational. I'm sure you're thinking, "this pimp turned himself in to a rap star, surely he can turn our team around." That actually makes sense to me; I'm that good. I'm Terrence Howard for Heaven's sake.

But I'm not Eddie Jordan.

Oh, no. I just realized what happened. You saw Sunset Park, didn't you? That'll always haunt me. I toss and turn at night, thinking of how many times people call me Spaceman. It's embarrasing. A 27 year old man playing a high schooler, with that old, busted broad from Cheers and a kid who looks like Skee-Lo; stupid. Hey, I needed the money, okay? That doesn't mean I'm a basketball coach.

And that certainly doesn't mean I'm Eddie Jordan, so stop calling me.

Hi, I'm Your New Favorite Player

Hey guys, it's me, Kevin Martin. You might remember me from that one time I scored 48 points against the Timberwolves. Just wanted to let you know I'm doing some pretty sweet things lately. For instance, I now have a mohawk. I also recently signed a shoe deal with Jordan Brand.

Oh, and I dunked really nasty on Greg Oden last night. Just letting you know. If you need me, I'll be over here being awesome. Nice to meet you.

Your Company's Two Newest Hires

Zhang is our newest systems administrator. He comes to Initech from China where he had extensive experience in Oracle Clinical databases, C++ programming, Microsoft Office suite, and many other systems. His expertise, however, is in server malfunctions. He has served as an associate systems administrator for a Fortune 500 company before moving to the States this year. He also plays center for the Sacramento Kings.

Hamed joins our organization with years of experience in the statistics field. He has a wealth of knowledge, including work in numerous databases, such as Oracle, Hyperion, and Infor systems. He also has designed standalone interfaces for these databases. Hamed is Iranian and he is a member of the Memphis Grizzlies.

Life Lessons with Brad Miller

One of the NBA's preeminent stoners, Sacramento's Brad Miller, was gracious enough to sit down and give The Blowtorch a series of stories about his life. His life's lessons, if you will. This is the first of those stories:

Have a Look

Believe me. This video has some relevance to my latest Suns piece. Go read it and if you like it, send me a shiny quarter.

Spencer Hawes is tremendously boring looking

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Spencer Hawes

Strengths: good passer, solid post moves, decent jumper

Weaknesses: soft as a bag of cotton, named Spencer, denies global warming

NBA comparison (best-case): Brad Miller

NBA comparison (worst-case): Chris Mihm

NBA comparison (most likely): Vlade Divac

Why do the Kings love soft, white centers who are decent passers?