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Okay, guys, this isn't funny anymore. I am not Eddie Jordan, so please stop calling.
Do you people really think all black people look alike? I've won awards. I'm a well respected actor. And let me repeat, I. AM NOT. EDDIE JORDAN.
Didn't you see Crash? It won an Oscar, and I was riveting as Cameron Thayer, a television producer who is the victim of racism. Seriously, that scene when I get pulled over after Thandie is getting busy was amazing. You could see me trying not to cry, right? Trust me, it was good. I was good.
Maybe Crash isn't your thing. Well, I was in Iron Man, too. Yeah, THAT Iron Man. The one that destroyed any other superhero movie ever. I was in that. It was just a supporting role, but if you don't think I didn't bring some serious gravitas to my role as Tony Stark's best friend, Col. James Rhodes, you're a filthy liar. I was even supposed to be the star of the next one, but sequels are for suckers. And Don Cheadle.
So to review; in Oscar winners, in record-breakers, not Eddie Jordan. So please stop calling me, Mr. and Mr. Maloof.
Judging by your incessant calling, I'm guessing you've seen Pride, where I star as Jim Ellis, a guy who starts an all Black swim team. The premise seems crazy, right? But I made those kids GOOD. So I guess I can see why you'd think I'd be a great coach. If you can get Black kids to swim, you can do anything.
Or was it Hustle and Flow? You probably liked how great I was in that. The Academy did. I was very inspirational. I'm sure you're thinking, "this pimp turned himself in to a rap star, surely he can turn our team around." That actually makes sense to me; I'm that good. I'm Terrence Howard for Heaven's sake.
But I'm not Eddie Jordan.
Oh, no. I just realized what happened. You saw Sunset Park, didn't you? That'll always haunt me. I toss and turn at night, thinking of how many times people call me Spaceman. It's embarrasing. A 27 year old man playing a high schooler, with that old, busted broad from Cheers and a kid who looks like Skee-Lo; stupid. Hey, I needed the money, okay? That doesn't mean I'm a basketball coach.
And that certainly doesn't mean I'm Eddie Jordan, so stop calling me.
Oh, JoHAHN, Tonay Parcare ees a jus a keeedings weeth you. Ees like I make a ze joke for laugh and to laugh. Ees not a serious.
Sacre bleu, JoHAHN! I vreally do sink zat your widdle hairspray coach Scoot Brook lukes good. You know zat Tonay like-a the hairs spray. Tonay's wife LOVE-a ze hairs spray. Please forgives the Tonay. I-a don't mean for to hurt-a your feeling.
But about ze Scoot Brook, why he never let you make point JoHAHN? Does not Scoot Brook know zat ze French love-a to make point? And ze French love-a to pass ze ball. Luke at Borees. He only like-a to pass ze ball. Tell Scoot Brook zat JoHAHN need to pass-a ze ball.
Please forgives Tonay Parcare, JoHAHN. I make it up to you. Come weeth to my villa tonight, Johan. Tonay's wife Eefa vill be theres. Maybe she call her Ahmareekun friend Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher LOVE Tonay, so she love Johan too.
Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA
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