October 13, 2009

Life at the Blowtorch School for NBA Children

After the success of my in-home consultations, I decided to offer another service to NBA players. Since they are so busy travelling from city to city, we've opened a sort of hostel for the children of the athletes. Their packed schedules don't allow them enough time to see their kids grow up, so we take care of that for them.

Here is our mission statement:

Letting kids play video games is probably good for them, so we let kids play video games.

It's still a work in progress, but the clients seem to support what we're trying to do. It's basically a boarding school, exclusively offered to the children of the super-rich. Just this weekend, Andrei Kirilenko and Kirk Hinrich dropped their boys off at our off-site stadium:

Rick Kirilenko and JaKirk Hinrich

We like to do a lot of stuff away from the home, like play video games in an enormous stadium. We feel that it gets these kids used to the lifetime of scrutiny that comes from having a famous father.

Outside of teaching kids how to be scrutinized and letting them play video games, we have a final step in our program. We only let the kids stay for one season, then they have to move along. Otherwise, we worry that some players would drop their children off, then never pick them up again. However, in that year, we teach them all about money management, drug addiction counselling, and how to shake off the haters. All of these are valuable life skills for an NBA child. Our first class has graduated, so I'd like to congratulate the class of 2009.

Joe Szczerbiak, Frank Tabuse, Brad Miller Jr., Adam Pollard

We feel that this experimental project could revolutionize both education and the NBA. No longer will the players have to worry about the safety of their pesky children, so they can focuse on straight-up ballin'. It's a win everybody.

The Blowtorch School for NBA Children is not an accredited learning institution.

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