Here's a post-Christmas treat. Thank me later.
December 27, 2007
December 21, 2007
Please listen to today's Basketball Jones podcast for nuggets like this:
Tas: Shhhhh...you have the mallows?
Tas: The mallows. Do you have the mallows?
Tas: Yeah, we're gonna roast 'em.
Skeets: Chestnuts, man.
Tas: Yeah, whatever.
December 20, 2007
Race-Off will be a (possibly) regularly occurring thing here on El Blowtorch. Basically, we’ll take a fellow of questionable ethnicity and examine if he’s “white” or “not so much” based on five essential categories.
This past Saturday was December 15th, which means player signed to contracts are now available to be included in trades. One of these players is the Chicago Bulls’ Andres Nocioni who has become a fan favorite in and around the city. Radio shows proclaim him their favorite player, fans grow terrible goatees, and reporters fawn over this Argentinean Shaggy. It isn’t a stretch of the imagination to assume that many white fans are drawn to white players, but being from Argentina, is Nocioni really white?
To the categories:
OUTSIDE SHOOTING – the trademark of the white player
Nocioni is shooting 32% from 3-point range (not in the top 100 in the league), but has still attempted 4.4 per game (30th). Nocioni, in this respect, is a microcosm of the Bulls’ struggles; he thinks he can shoot but, thus far, he cannot.
Verdict: NOT SO MUCH
ASSISTING – another stereotypically white quality
Nocioni currently averages .99 assists and 1.1 turnovers per 40 minutes. Dude DOES NOT pass.
Verdict: NOT SO MUCH
HUSTLE PLAYS – charges taken, diving on the floor, other things you see in Hoosiers
Nocioni is the biggest flopper not named Ginobili or Varejao (another Race-Off candidate). He’s on the ground just about as much as he’s on the court.
COACHABILITY – more of a feel thing than any quantifiable characteristic
Head on over to Blog-A-Bull to read the many exploits of Scott Skiles’ favorite South American! Go there curious and leave depressed!
LOOKS – does the fellow remind you of a white guy?
There we have it – Andres Nocioni, white after all. Carry on supporting him, Most White Bulls Fans!
December 19, 2007
December 14, 2007
December 12, 2007
- I'm now scrawling Suns-oriented silliness over at Born and Raised. Get your blog game on.
- BLOG SHOW, SON. Chicka-chicka-wha??? Peep it! (about the 5 minute mark)
YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Go get their shirt while the official Blowtorch one is in the works.
December 10, 2007
December 5, 2007
December 4, 2007
December 3, 2007
Atlanta Hawks - realized potential. Also, a new GM.
Boston Celtics - a championship.
Charlotte Bobcats - for all of their players to be as good as they were in college.
Chicago Bulls - the head of Scott Skiles, Tyrus Thomas in the starting line-up, and Joakim Noah on the floor.
Cleveland Cavaliers - that signing Varejao is incentive enough for LeBron to stick around. Oh, and to sign Varejao.
Dallas Mavericks - anything but the Warriors.
Denver Nuggets - more guys with cornrows, headbands, and armsleeves.
Detroit Pistons - a championship.
Golden State Warriors - the Mavericks in every playoff series.
Houston Rockets - they'll tell you a championship, but getting out of the first round would make them happy.
Indiana Pacers - the opportunity to draft Kevin Love.
Los Angeles Clippers - stronger leg ligaments.
Los Angeles Lakers - help for Kobe, so he'll stick around and continue to look good while not winning championships.
Memphis Grizzlies - that this year is Darko's breakout year. Also, more Spaniards.
Miami Heat - 2006.
Milwaukee Bucks - having averted an international disaster, Bucks fans are pretty happy right now. Some bratwurst would be nice though.
Minnesota Timberwolves - to wake up Christmas morning and find out that the Garnett trade was a dream.
New Jersey Nets - that some sucker team decides they want Vince Carter. Or that Vince Carter gets a set of balls for Christmas.
New Orleans Hornets - Chris Paul to stay healthy.
New York Knicks - a new coach, a new GM, a new roster, a championship, and more intern sex. New York fans are greedy.
Orlando Magic - that the team can keep this going.
Philadelphia 76ers - that Iverson dude.
Phoenix Suns - a championship.
Portland Trailblazers - that micro-fracture surgery really isn't anything to worry about.
Sacramento Kings - less ugly players.
San Antonio Spurs - a championship.
Seattle SuperSonics - that this time next year they're still the SEATTLE SuperSonics.
Toronto Raptors - a stronger exchange rate for the US dollar. Also, that Chris Bosh shows some kind of improvement.
Utah Jazz - chest hair trimmer for Carlos Boozer.