I am not looking forward to the dunk contest

The NBA announced this year’s dunk contest participants yesterday. Here’s how it’ll go down:

Round 1

Tyrus Thomas – in a move reminiscent of Chris Andersen, Tyrus uses his bizarrely long arms to flap about and ultimately embarrass not only himself, but the Chicago Bulls, the NBA dunk contest, and Louisiana State University. Not a great performance.

Dwight Howard – attempting to recreate this famous photo, Howard smashes his mouth against the rim, requiring him to wear braces well in to his 30s. Though his teeth are destroyed, a quick phone conversation with Terrell Davis allows Howard to concurrently dunk, place a quarter on the top of the backboard, and impregnated Mary Carey.

Gerald Green - the second best dunker ever to come to the NBA from the D-League throws the ball off the floor then double-clutches and throws it down. Sure it’s a move that 5’7” Spud Webb did in the 80s, but for some reason people still think it’s innovative.

Nate Robinson – after realizing that the rules have changed and he cannot attempt a dunk 18 times before actually completing it, Lil’ Nate punches Carmelo Anthony, Alex English, and Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf just to spite the Denver Nuggets.

Finals

Dwight Howard - loopy from the anesthetic required for his emergency orthodontic surgery, Howard does what he is used to and drop steps and throws down a ferocious two-hander. Then he goes to the other end of the floor and blocks every shot in the 3-point contest. Confused, the judges give him a 49.

Gerald Green - needing a 50 to win, Green reaches in to his 80s playbook and dunks from the free-throw line. Though every member of the judge’s panel has completed this very dunk, they give Gerald a 50 because the precedent has been set. Gerald celebrates by letting Sebastian Telfair hold the trophy even though he shouldn’t be there and is only present because Doc Rivers told him to be.