A Letter to Tank Johnson

Hey Tank,

I caught your press day interview yesterday. You looked good. Must be the Subway diet (you did mention that you finally get to eat Subway after being on house arrest for a month)! Hahaha!

Speaking of that interview, not that we want to deter your business or anything, but you don’t have to mention that you love Subway. I mean, who doesn’t love Subway a little, right? It’s kind of a given. And even though people say any publicity is good publicity, don’t worry about it. I mean, we’re already working with one incredibly large black man to promote our products, we wouldn’t want to frighten confuse our customers by introducing another.

Really. If you like Subway that much, we have a $3.99 daily value special where you can get a different sub every day, along with chips and a drink, but for you we’d be willing to send you a footlong every day, just don’t mention us, alright? It’s not that we’re worried about associating with a man named “Tank” who has been arrested on multiple weapons charges, it’s definitely not that. We just feel like we’ve taken care of our football marketing. Yeah. That’s definitely it, not the thing about the guns.

Thanks so much!

Jared Fogle

p.s get the Sweet Onion Teriyaki Chicken Breast next time. It’s out of this world!