Things More Exciting Than a Channing Frye Dunk

• Nachos
  
• Going to the bathroom
  
• Falling asleep sitting up
  

Steve Nash's Identity Crisis

This has been a pretty hard last couple of years for Steve Nash. A year and a half ago, the villainous Steve Kerr traded away Shawn Marion for one of the NBA's biggest Bros, Shaquille O'Neal. Steve was pretty sad because Shaq wouldn't get out of the way so Steve had to slow down. But it was still all good because the Suns were winning. Until they weren't. When Tim Duncan made that three to kill the Suns, a part of Steve died.

Steve kept it together for a while, but when it turned out that the Suns weren't going to be good anymore he started saying things like:

• "I don't care if I win a title."
• "Shaq is such a bro."
• "Can someone bring me some chicken tenders?"
• "I have sadness."

And now that Shaq is gone, Steve is super sad because of the Suns being bad. He doesn't know what to do with his life. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty much a psychiatrist, and I can tell that he's going through a crisis.

Whereas Steve Nash used to be one of the most fun-loving Dudes in the NBA, now he's a confused Dude. He tried setting up his anti-hot dogs coalition, but that failed because people love hot dogs. Now, he's just trying anything to feel alive again.

For instance, he tried modelling:

I understand that he's just trying to find something to do with his time that makes him feel productive, but it's kinda sad. He's not even modelling good clothes, he's modelling things that look like you could buy them at a Goodwill.

And then when his modelling job tanked, Steve started "really getting in to music." He'd wander the streets of New York, coming up with horrible melodies that can't even get made in to songs. Naturally, he started dressing like his favorite Canadian musician, Celine Dion:

That's pretty sad, right? Obviously it is. No one should dress like Celine Dion, including Celine Dion.

So after a failed charity, a failed modelling career, and a failed music career, Steve turned to what any cold-blooded Canadian would: women.

I don't know why he's done it, but I'm guessing it has to do with taking his mind off basketball. It's kind of like in movies about rock stars how they just want to have ladies around so they don't feel so horribly alone.

All of that is bad enough, but the latest news is that he's quitting basketball to play soccer:

Oh, Steve. I feel so bad for you. I know I wouldn't want to be a Sun right now either, but you are a basketball player. The soccer thing is cute and all, but you need to be on a hardwood floor, throwing bounce passes. Even if it's to players who aren't as good as you are, and even if you're not as good as you used to be.

As fans, we need to give Steve the support he deserves. If we don't, who will?

Future Phoenix Suns Draft Picks

Jim Duncan

-------------Billy Ripken

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Conrad Rubio

-------------

Daniel Artest

-------------

LaRon James

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Breaking News: Steve Nash is Your Friend's Dad

I didn't really ever realize it until this picture, but Steve Nash is totally your friend's dad. Let's run down the reasons from head to toe:

1. Side part - Your friend's dad Steve doesn't want you to notice that his hair is thinning. On days when he's feeling particularly rebellious, he parts it the other way.
2. Exposed chest hair - Steve can't hope to contain that luscious V of chest foliage. He oozes virility.
3. Medical ID bracelet - If Steve has a diabetic attack, he wants you to know there's an epipen in his old nylon duffle bag.
4. Shorts above the knees - He doesn't want any hindrance during those 5-6 times a game when he actually bends his legs.
5. White socks with black shoes - Your buddy's dad stopped caring about aesthetics back when Garth Brooks released the Chris Gaines album.

Next time you and your dad and your friend and his dad get together to play ball, give me a call. I'll bring my dad. He can still ball. I just found this picture of him:

Don't worry; he's legit.

Miss You, 1990s

Back in the 1990s, I was a Ken Griffey, Jr. fan. Who wasn't, right? We have shared experiences now. That's what makes us have things in common. Because having things in common means that we have shared experiences. Science. Vocabulary. The dictionary. Wikipedia.

So anyways, we were talking about how all of us liked Ken Griffey, Jr. so much that Pokey Reese actually became an important name to know, circa the Reds trade. And that's hilarious, because Pokey Reese. If you don't get it, sorry. It comes from him being bad while at the same time being named Pokey and not being an orange horse.

But we liked Ken Griffey, Jr. remember. Around the same time, my sister joined the Shaquille O'Neal fan club, which was called SHAQ WORLD or something. I've messed up the timeline because he was still in Orlando when she joined and we (me and you and everyone we know) liked Griffey in Seattle. So this was like 1995-ish, but I had to mention Pokey Reese, because obviously. If I remember right, I think the logo looked something like this, which I just drew on a Post-It:

But now, it's kinda sad seeing this picture because Griffey's all old and back on Seattle but not really wanted and he wears guyabera shirts that are too big because he's probably a little soft around the middle. And then Shaq tucks in his warm-up because that's what you do when you get to be near 40. And I bought my sister a Shaq ornament and the movie Kazaam for Christmas because those things actually exist and that fact is funny.

Sometimes I feel bad because these dudes used to be heroes but now they're sort of punchlines and barely hanging on. But then, it's like, "hey, Shaq and Ken Griffey, Jr. are still playing." That's pretty cool.

Breaking Trade

In a three-team deal, Chris Andersen and your grandmother have been shipped from, respectively, the Denver Nuggets and Forest Oaks Retirement Home to the Phoenix Suns. In return, the Nuggets received 24 8-ounce bottles of Ensure Vanilla Supreme Nutrition Shake and the Retirement Home received Matt Barnes' haircut.

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Wherein:

• A new co-host is introduced.
• Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
• Trades are discussed.
• Eric Snow is addressed.
• Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
  

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

Robin and Brook Lopez Play Basketball Against Each Other

Robin: DUDE, let's mess with these guys. Like back when we used to tell Mom that I was you and she'd be all, "Brook stop eating Cheerios off the floor. And stop licking the walls!" She was SO mad. We've got to do something, exactly like that. It'll be AMAZING!

Brook: Oh, no doubt, bro. What are we gonna do? I mean, I'd love some Cheerios but we're supposed to look busy.

Robin: Dude, that sucks. Plus we're wearing different colors and my hair is, like, way sweeter than yours right now. There's gotta be something though.

Brook: Dude. I got it. On three, we're going to stare at Kevin Harris the exact same way. He will FREAK. OUT. Guaranteed.

Robin: Sometimes, I'm amazed at how smart you are. My mind gets, like, totally exploded, bro. On three.

One. Two. Three.

Brook: HOLY COW. He is totally freaking out. I can't believe he's still standing up. Ohmygosh, this is the BEST THING EVER!!!!

Robin: Seriously.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: For realsies.

Brook: Seriously.

Robin: This is SO sweet. Let me ask you a SERIOUS question. Do you want to try it again?

Brook: Dude, we HAVE to. It'll be, like, even awesomer.

Robin: I have the best idea. On three, lean against me and look up. BUT KEEP YOUR MOUTH OPEN.

Brook: That is PERFECT!

Robin: One. Two. Three!

Brook: DUDE, we're doing it! We are LEVITATING AGAINST EACH OTHER! It feels so strange!

Robin: We are the best people ever right now. I love you so much. As a brother.

Brook: Okay. You almost freaked me out a little bit. I could do this forever.

Robin: We totally just discovered how to hover. We disc-hovered it! DUDE! Disc-HOVERED!

Brook: I KNEW Stanford was a smart school.

Shaq Want Eat Ref

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. What do I do? He's coming. He is so going to eat me. Think. Think quickly. Okay, in Jurassic Park, they stayed totally still. I'll try that. Did he notice me? I think he did.

What if I hold my breath? That'll help. That's got to help. Oh Lord, please let it help. I don't want it to end this way.

He's getting closer. I can't hold my breath much longer. Maybe a hand over the mouth will help. It's not helping. I'm going to explode. C'mon. Just a few seconds longer and he won't know I'm here. Fingers up the nose. It's my last chance.

He's going to swallow me whole. At least that'll be quick and painless. Well, quick at least. Tell my family I love them.

Wait. I'm still here. What happened?

Oh, Steve Nash, you're the best!

Robin Lopez Gets His First Touch in the Post

OH MY GOSH, you guys! I HAVE THE BALL in the post in a REAL NBA GAME!

This.

Is.

AWESOME!

I cannot WAIT to make the sweetest move, like ever. I mean, like, for real. It's going to be totally rad.

Holy cow. I have got to tell Brook. He'll FREAK OUT. He'll be all like, "bro, you were actually for really guarded by Zaza Patchoulioil. During a basketball game. In the NBA."

I'll be like, "Yeah, totally."

He'll be all, "Hehehehehe. For real, bro."

I'll be like, "For REALZ, bro."

Seriously, this is like, the best thing EVER!

The Slow Goodnight

The System failed them.

The System failed us.

It’s fitting, really. The very same system that brought us together let us down. Yeah, it might not be the exact same system; not as fluid, not the same. Still not familiar though, and still nostalgia-laden.

Where was the shooter in the corner? He’s always there. Joe, Q, Raja, anyone. Why wasn’t he there? How could that tenant of this offense fail them at that time?

And Nash. Poor, Steve Nash. Resigned to losing since The Trade. Couldn’t even muster an argument on the last turnover. KD said it best, “it’s like watching your Dad get beat up.” Where was the dribble-probing that makes this thing work? How could that disappear? How could he appear in all the wrong ways?

Three turnovers lost the game, but they didn’t lose The Game. The Game was lost in June. No way a guy with Kerr’s background (Duncan, MJ, Phil) meshes with a guy like D’Antoni. Couldn’t work. Didn’t work.

Now they’re stuck, right? Nash and Amare are back, sure. But so is Shaq. So is Boris, sometimes. (Is there any player in the league more emotionally distant but emotionally affected than he?) The bench is back, too. That disaster of a bench. The one that’ll continue to cost them legs and games and series.

The Architect is leaving, maybe to Chicago. That’d be something. The place where his antagonist made his name would be his new nest. It won’t be the same though. Nowhere will.

They were made for each other. They were made for us. Now, we all crumble.

Impromptu Liveblog - Suns vs. Spurs Game 3

The Weakest Link: Phoenix Suns

Someone, possibly Albus Dumbledore, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Phoenix Suns and Eric Piatkowski…

Ohhhhh, Eric Piatkowski. Rogue Polishman of the National Basketball Association. How we in Blogwarts have seen your potential and appreciate your efforts. Nonetheless, fine sir, you are not to be feared. It is only in the rarest of cases that an unathletic, short, white man can succeed in this scary world.

It is with great trepidation that you enter the playoffs, wise Eric. The Suns future has been foretold and, sadly, you play the most minor of roles. But fear not! Hold dear to yourself the 36 point explosion on the eve of February 16, 2002. On that day, Eric Piatkowski, you were king.

Fun Facts:
Holds Clippers records for most 3-pointers made and attempted...owns a seafood restaurant in Lincoln, Nebraska...was Mr. Basketball in South Dakota...sole NBA endorser of Crew brand hair products...is a third generation professional basketball player

Further Proof That Eric Piatkowski is a Terrible Break Dancer:

This Might Be a Problem

Some stats for your consideration:

2004-2005 season

NBA 3 pt. % average: .356

Suns rank: 1

Players at or above league average: 7

2005-2006 season
NBA 3 pt. % average: .358
Suns rank: 1
Players at or above league average: 6

2006-2007 season

NBA 3 pt. % average: .358

Suns rank: 1

Players at or above league average: 6

2007-2008 season

NBA 3 pt. % average: .359

Suns rank: 4

Players at or above league average: 3

I had some analysis that Blogger ate, but basically it boiled down to the fact that Raja Bell isn't the ideal third shooter. This team is doomed, and that bums me out.

A Letter from Boris Diaw to Shawn Marion

E’ Shawn Mare-ee-own, E’

I take-a yo’ shots, and I make-a yo’ shots. A ze Suns, a we-a don’ need-a you no mo. We gotta ze Shack-wheel, and-a ze Nawsh, ze Am-air-ee, and mos’ eem-por-tanlee, ze BORIS.

Ze Boris is ‘eer. No need-a to worry, about-a ze Phoenix Suns. I’m a gonna make-a you all forget about ze Shawn Mare-ee-own. ‘E a leetle poonk. (Ees-a zat how you say “Pee-Ooh-En-Kay?”)

I get-a yo’ shots. I get-a yo’ weebounz. I get-a yo’ wee-mens.

Zahnk you,

BORIS DIAW

Maybe Shaq Just Wants to Wear Purple Again

Have a Look

Believe me. This video has some relevance to my latest Suns piece. Go read it and if you like it, send me a shiny quarter.

Random Fact - Eric Piatkowski, pt. 6

Did you know that Eric Piatkowski is still in the NBA?

Photographic evidence.

DID YOU EVEN KNOW THAT ERIC TODD PIATKOWSKI WAS STILL AMONGST THE LIVING??!?

Alando Tucker is a Phoenix Sun(s?)

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Alando Tucker

Strengths: fast at running, has 3 point range, loves dunking and/or getting fouled, went to University of Wisconsin - which some people think is a strength

Weaknesses: not a great first step, average defender, tweener

NBA Comparison (best-case): Luol Deng

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Sasha Pavlovic

NBA Comparison (most likely): Trenton Hassell

FREE GARNETT

At least Kevin Garnett had the common sense to realize that playing for the Celtics would have been awesome 20 years ago. But now? The Celtics are brutality. After the trade, they’d have had Pierce, KG, and a bunch of mutants. Not a good look. So KG now says he wants to go to Phoenix. Really? You want to play for a great team with the best point in the L? Shocking.

I was legitimately obsessed with the Suns during the season, and they’re the second most fun team to watch in the L. However, they’re being idiots and trying to swing a trade where they can keep STAT instead of the Matrix, under the auspices that they don’t want to jeopardize their future. But I really can’t see why you wouldn’t trade Stoudemire, Boris the Spider, and Marcus Banks for Garnett. They’d be left with a rotation like this:

Steve Nash
Raja Bell
Shawn Marion
Kevin Garnett
Kurt Thomas

Bench: Leandrinho, James Jones, Jumaine Jones, Jalen Rose, whoever you get with 24 and 29

That’s a team that can beat the Spurs. You have both Garnett and Thomas who can guard Duncan. You have both Marion and Raja who can stick Tonay Parcare. You have 2 young players who will either develop or can be moved for pieces. That gives you a very real shot at a championship, and you’re not totally throwing away the future. Steve Nash isn’t getting any younger, and his back isn’t turning from papyrus into steel. He’s got about 3 years left before he deteriorates, so you have to make moves now that will help you win while you can.

As for the Timberwolves, if you make this trade you have a solid nucleus for rebuilding. A quick look at their adjusted roster:

Randy Foye
Ricky Davis
Julian Wright (#7 pick)
Amare Stoudemire
Mark Blount

Bench: Juwan Howard, Boris Diaw, Trenton Hassell, Craig Smith, Marcus Banks

Not only is that team far better than last year’s Garnett-led atrocity, there is also room for growth. Diaw is great off the bench and gives you tons of versatility. And say Phoenix’s number 1 for next year (from Atlanta) gets thrown in, then you get another good draft pick and you’re finally on your way towards respectability.

It’s obvious that KG is gone this summer. If I’m Steve Kerr, not only am I trying to put my stamp on the franchise, I’m also trying to win a title while I have Steve Nash running the show. Here’s hoping that something awesome comes of all these rumors.