What Your Favorite NBA Player Says About You

With the NBA season fast approaching, the Blowtorch presents a brief and incomplete guide to some of the various fans seen around the league.

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Kobe Bryant: You appreciate greatness and won't take no for an answer. You also are likely a control freak and won't stand for incompetence around you. When push comes to shove, you know that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

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Shaquille O'neal: You haven't watched the NBA in 6 years.

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Tim Duncan: Not only do you value fundamentals above style and personality, you also feel that winning is the most fun you can have. Your wardrobe consists of dark dress pants and white or blue shirts. Your favorite food is peanut butter and grape jelly, but when you're feeling a little bit crazy, you'll switch to strawberry jam.

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Steve Nash: You value creativity, imaginative play, selflessness, and artistic basketball. Also, you are white.

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Gilbert Arenas: You read basketball blogs.

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Lebron James: You know you're destined for great things because people have been telling you so for years. You feel that you've been trapped in a familiar place for so long that you can't wait to experience what other places have to offer.

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Kevin Garnett: Similar to the Lebron James Fan. For years you have been trapped in a going nowhere situation but your loyalty has paid off. Now you're somewhere where great things can happen! Beware Kevin Garnett Fan for the Allen Iverson Fan was right where you are a short time ago.

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Allen Iverson: The Allen Iverson Fan has come to realize that things aren't ever as good or bad as they seem. The AI Fan knows that sooner or later, the public will come to accept you even if they don't understand you. It should also be noted that the Allen Iverson Fan looks silly in baby blue.

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Dwyane Wade: The Dwyane Wade Fan avoids conflict at all costs; because, really, who doesn't like Dwyane Wade at least a little bit? The Dwyane Wade Fan refuses to use spell check.

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Carmelo Anthony: You're true to the streets. You're not going to rat on your friends. You value scoring above all else and you're a HUGE fan of TRL.

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Dirk Nowitski: You, Dirk Nowitski Fan, are quite the frustration. You do a wonderful job throughout a task, but when it comes to completion, you're nowhere to be found. Nonetheless, you're a pretty funny person even though you aren't necessarily trying. The Dirk Nowitski Fan can often be found with the Steve Nash Fan, resulting in wonderful pictures.

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Anyone on the Knicks: You're a glutton for punishment and probably have a lot of misguided anger. It's also highly likely that you do not manage money very well.

Hall of Fame NBA Beard, the first

Kareem Abdul-Jabbeard

courtesy of Howie y el HYPE!

NBA All-Beard Team

PG - Beardon Davis
SG - LeBeard James
SF - Peja Beardakovic
PF - Pau Gasol de Beard
C - Scot Pollbeard

Oscar Schmidt - The Story of the First Foreign Player Drafted

In today's NBA foreign players are taken for granted. We've had two foreign players drafted number 1 (plus Andrew Bogut) and a foreign MVP. Furthermore, after years of American dominance, countries around the world have stood equal and above the USA in the international game. But just 20 years ago, this wasn't the case.

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Oscar Schmidt (or Mão Santa - translates to Holy Hand) played in 5 Olympics ('80, '84, '88, '92, and '96) and averaged a record 28.8 points a game, including an astounding 42.3 in Barcelona.

He is also the first foreign player with no college experience picked in the NBA draft.

A 6'8" Brazilian shooting guard with legit 3-point range, Schmidt's offensive firepower was enough to make him a 6th round draft pick in the 1984 draft. Uninterested in defense, Schmidt justified his Iverson-esque shooting habits by saying, "Some people, they play the piano. And some people, they move the piano." Nonetheless, the prospect of adding such a prolific scorer at such a nominal price was worth the roll of the dice for the New Jersey Nets.

However, years of recruitment fell upon deaf ears as Schmidt would never come to play in
the Association saying, “I know my limitations, my defects, but I could never play 10 minutes a game. [The] NBA is great if you are a star. But if not, you get moved around. My friend (Georgi) Glouchkov played a year in Phoenix. He tells me bad stories about [the] NBA. The guards [did not] like him, they don’t pass him the ball. I would not like that. I could not stand that.”

Video: Petrovic vs. Schmidt - Oscar's 44 can't match Petrovic's 62 in the European Cup



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It is assumed that it's every player's dream to play in the NBA and when they get that chance, it is expected that they will take it. When a Kirilenko or a Pavlovic postulates about playing overseas, cries of fiscal frivolity and insult echo throughout sports media. However, the story of Oscar Schmidt proves that it isn't unusual or new for a player to want to succeed on their own terms.

Dallas Mavericks -- Attack of the Clones

I was digging through the collective bargaining agreement and I came across what many call The Nowitski Clause:

Article IX, Section 1, (c) : the Dallas Mavericks must always employ a slightly goofy, white forward with a decent jump shot.

After discovering this, I did a little research and found that the Mavs have complied with this ruling since 2003, predating the adoption of the latest CBA.

Exhibit A:















Exhibit B:











Exhibit C:

The NBA. So easy, even a caveman could do it.

Next week on an all new Cavemen...


Embrace the hilarity as the Cavemen venture to an all new land - NBA
training camp! Watch as Chris and Scot (and Scot and Scot and Scot) come
to grips with their place in modern day basketball. Can the Cavemen
overcome their lack of foot speed, terrible facial hair, and frightening
bone structure to gain acceptance in today's NBA? Tune in next week to
find out!

6 Currently Awesome Mustaches - NO ADAM MORRISON

The "I Was Good in College" Stache














Rookie Stache of the Year








The Standard Centipede Stache














The "I Have Jerry Stackhouse's Stache" Stache

















The "I Have Chauncey Billups' Stache" Stache














The Most Dominant Stache