February 28, 2006

The Thinking Man's Guide to the Work Dump - Part 2

The Basics

As any real estate agent will tell you, the three most important things are location, location, and location. It goes with out saying that the same is true for the work dump. Unlike the work pee, where you can choose any bathroom, the work dump requires careful choosing to provide the most ideal environment for your deed.

First, you will want to investigate the locations of bathrooms throughout your work facility. Also, if you have the time you should pay attention to the amount of traffic going into and out of these restrooms. While there may be a slight thrill in possibly being discovered to be the cause of a deadly odor, I would recommend that you stick to the least used and most secluded bathroom that you find. Furthermore, you should determine the proximity of this location to other important areas such as a break room, cafeteria, vending machine, or other high traffic areas. It is best to choose a spot that is as far away as possible from these areas as you do not want to be interrupted while you are making money performing nature's calling.

After you have made your decision of where, you need to carefully inspect the bathroom for the necessary supplies. This is a short list, but leaving any of these things off can be detrimental. There are only two items which are an absolute necessity when attemping a work dump, and they are:

  1. A stall door that closes and locks
  2. Toilet paper

If either of these two essentials is not present you must immediately abandon this location and seek shelter in a better equipped bathroom. Of course there are other items which may be used that can further enhance the work dump process, among these are air freshener, a plunger, and reading material (the last two will be covered in the Advanced Techniques portion). But as long as you have the door and the toilet paper, you have an adequate, though not particularly extravagant, place.

Of course, if you have the chance to enter a bathroom that consists of only a single toilet in a light traffic area you have found the Holy Grail of work dump bathrooms. These little heavens on Earth are often found in hospitals and similar corporations, and provide the best possible scenario for carrying out your work dump.

To review, the three essential lessons about the location of a bathroom are as follows:

  1. The bathroom of choice must contain toilet paper and have a stall door that closes and locks.
  2. The bathroom should be the most well-secluded and private that you can find.
  3. The bathroom should be as far away as possible from major locations throughout the workplace.

Tomorrow: Timing Your Work Dump

February 27, 2006

The Thinking Man's Guide to the Work Dump - Part 1

This week I will be embarking on a project new to the Blowtorch -- a weeklong series dedicated to a specific topic. And what better topic could there be than the event that most delights me during my workday, going poop. Throughout this series I will be discussing such important things such as setting, timing, additional materials, and of course, advanced techniques for the more interested. Since there is virtually nothing better than getting paid to go to the bathroom, I will do my best to educate everyone in the hopes of making their trips to the restroom more efficient and more enjoyable.

Tomorrow: The Basics

February 18, 2006

The Women In My Life Love Me

My birthday is in 35 minutes, but that hasn't stop the three special ladies in my life (mom, girlfriend, and sister) from giving me some birthday goods. Boo took me to the opera Friday night, which was so unbelievably awesome that I will right a full post about it later. And then today my mom and sis gave me a bird that I have yet to name. Needless to say, it has been a great pre-birthday.

Also 4 people in Plano have the same birthday as me. 2 of those 4 were born on the exact same day. Weird.

February 13, 2006

I Hate Horses

Saturday night was a bad night for the streets of Chicago and myself. That's all that really needs to be said, but I should mention that while driving my car I was cut off by not one, but two horse-drawn carriages. I had never realized it to that day, but thanks to that event and the interventions of my boo I have come to learn that I hate horses. So with that in mind I present you this dementedly, hilarious link:

The Horse Hater

If you don't yet, you really should consider hating horses. It's fun.

February 10, 2006

Pseudo Grammy Review

Thursday, Mr. Pat Murphy ("Murph" from here on out) sent out a mass e-mail with various commentary on the Grammys. I responded. Here is that.

If you didn't expect me to respond to this email, they you're crazy Mr. Murphy.

I'll be reviewing not only the Grammy categories that our mutual friend Murph did, but also his comments and picks.

"Here we go:

Record of the Year
Winner: Green Day
Who Murph Says Should have won: Gorillaz. Those guys are nuts and awesome.
Murph's Take: "Best band who whines about the American Goverment all the time." Guess what? You don't like our country? Move to Somalia or Iraq for a month and tell me how much the US sucks. Nice eyeliner, by the way, you prissy boy. They lost infinite cred with me this year.
Trey's Take: I can hate on Green Day as much as anyone who shares a name with their drummer. And as much as the media wants everyone to think that their album was a commentary, their singer has come out against that theory so whatever. Murph is right though, Gorillaz are crazy.
Trey's Pick: Green Day. I hate to admit that the voters got this one right. It's a beautifully produced track and a huge departure in sound from anything else Green Day has done. And all the other tracks are pretty standard fare, save for that last verse of "Gold Digger" where that weird saxophone synth thing comes in. That part alone should be record of the year.
Album of the Year
Winner: U2
Who Murph Says Should have won: U2. Have you seen the other people on the list? Gwen Stefani? Kanye "I'm the dumbest person of 2005" West? Paul "I'm a knight" McCartney? My fellow micks should have won in a landslide.
Murph's Take: How about "lifetime achievement?" Bono and friends have done it all- charity work, Ipods, classic album after classic album. Give em a lifetime award and let the guys relax and retire in the most beautiful country in the world.
Trey's Take: I can't help thinking that this is a straight up Irish dedication choice because this is obviously not U2's best work. I don't like the band but even I could tell you that they peaked with The Joshua Tree, and that All That You Can't Leave Behind was a lot more ambitious than this new one.
Trey's Pick: Kanye West. Sure he's probably an idiot. But Late Registration is the most innovative hip-hop album since Stankonia. Kanye is an AMAZING producer. Amazing.
Song of the Year
Winner: U2
Who Murph Says Should have won: John Legend (he's gonna pop up in so many hit songs in 2006, just watch). Rascal Flatts was nominated here? Thats why country music has its own network: because nobody on MTV wants to hear that crap. When are people going to catch on?
Murph's Take: How about "You had the best album, so you automatically win this award" award. Pretty lame category choices, if you ask me.
Trey's Take: I agree with Mr. Murphy here, pretty bad nominees.
Trey's Pick: John Legend. Whatever. Moving on.
Best Female Pop Performance
Winner: Kelly Clarkson- Since you've been gone
Who Murph Says Should have Won: Nobody... all these nominations were brutal
Murph's Take: How about "Song that guys made fun of more than any song in the history of songs?" I can sing this one really well, people. It was our BU Baseball short bus anthem.
Trey's Take: It's tough to say it, but this is an absolutely brilliant song. It's a perfect synthesis of indie rock sound and bubblegum pop aestethic. Surprising from an American Idol.
Trey's Pick: Kelly Clarkson. Anytime a song by a former American Idol winner can produce spontaneous gay dance parties I choose it as my Grammy pick. That's just how I live my life.
Best Male Pop Performance:
Winner: Steve Wonder
Who Murph Says Should Have Won: Seal. Seal is the man... Kiss from a rose? I mean, how many times have people gotten "action" from that song back in the 1990s? He should win every category as a "thank you."
Murph's Take: "people who wish they were as good and cool as ray charles?" (jamie foxx presents the award)
Trey's Take: I would choose Stevie Wonder over Ray Charles any day of the week. He truly is a musical genius.
Trey's Pick: Not Jack Johnson or Rob Thomas. Those guys suck.
Best Pop Performance with a Group
Winner: Maroon 5
Who Murph Says Should Have Won: The Killers
Murph's Take: "Lamest group that keeps winning grammys." I mean, seriously. These guys are beyond brutal. Over the killers, the white stripes, los lonely boys, and the black eyed peas? Ok, i was kidding about the last 2. But how funny would it have been if they Black Eyed Peas won and "My Humps" started blaring throughout the place? I've heard that killers song mashed with hip hop, and in the clubs as a housr remix. its a great track.
Trey's Take: I can't stand Maroon 5 or the Black Eyed Peas.
Trey's Pick: The Killers. In every other instance I can think of I would choose the White Stripes over the Killers. But "Mr. Brightside" is terrific. And like Murph said, it works as rock, hip-hop, and house. Just a great song.
Best Dance Recording (you knew it was coming)
Winner: the Chemical Brothers feat Q-Tip (what a weird combo. Maybe everyone got confused and voted out of insanity)
Who Murph Says Should Have Won: Deep Dish- Say hello
Murph's Take: For the committee... "These guys were cool when my kids were in high school and I don't know anyone else" award. How about the Benassi Brothers? Those guys have sold out worldwide everywhere! Tiesto? Aarmand Van Buren? This is the 2nd year they've gotten screwed on "best dance album" (last time they lost to britney spears, which is a travesty in its own right). Kyle Minogue? She's still alive???????? New Order? Who nominates these people? Are they under the age of 60?
Trey's Take: Murph would obviously top me in knowledge of dance music, but I do know that LCD Soundsystem is the real deal. That guy is crazy talented.
Trey's Pick: LCD Soundsystem. I should mention the prolific cowbell use in this song, and I just did.
Best Electronic Album
Winner: the Chemical brothers
Who Murph Says Should have won: Daft Punk
Murph's Take: "Stuff we have no idea about so we drew out of a hat." Come on. Daft Punk rocked the clubs all throughout 2005. Technologic was a staple of every DJs set of every club I went to, and people went off when they heard it. I don't get it. I really want to know who makes these awards.
Trey's Take: It's kind of surprising to me that Electronic music gets its own Grammy, but then again, Barack Obama won one on Wednesday.
Trey's Pick: LCD Soundsystem. Seriously, this disc is the truth about electropop. And if not LCD, then Kraftwerk who literally invented electronic music.

Now for my responses to Murph's new categories:
Artists who have no idea about the government, so they bash it bc they're famous and "rebellious"
Nominees: Green Day, Kanye West, Pearl Jam
Winner: Kanye. Green Day would have won, but Kanye has been so off of his rocker this year that he has to win. He has been saying some of the most unbelievable stuff this year. Including (during a "relief for hurricane katrina" spot):
"George Bush hates black people."
Yeah, he sure does. Moron. Great thing to say during a katrina relief fund spot. There's people without homes because of a hurricane, and of course, its Bush's fault. So you take the time during a nationally syndicated spot to tell the world what you think, when they're people KILLING EACH OTHER FOR A PIECE OF BREAD IN YOUR OWN DAMN COUNTRY!!! One of the most selfish acts I've ever seen.
And whoever put Mike Meyers in the same commericial for that was a genius. What a random and hilarious combo. How do you think that happened? "Who would be good with kanye?" "Yeah, Mike Meyers, he was awesome in Wayne's World!" This is coming from the guy (kanye) who announced to the public that he's addicted to p*rn, and he was on the cover of Rolling Stone in a crown of thorns. Cool it, buddy. According to Susan, you're not too well liked anymore among the "community" right now. And she knows all. That spells doom for you.
Trey Says: Murph is right, Kanye is pretty ridiculous when he's thowing about the phrase that became pretty much the funniest thing you could say in 2005. But Pearl Jam at least know their politics and support and help raise money for their causes. Very admirable. Another band to throw in the mix to replace Pearl Jam is the now defunct Rage Against the Machine. The basis of these guys' political views is to support obviously guilty criminals. And that's it. Great band though. Miss them.
Song in a club that makes you go deaf from pounding bass and makes girls grind all over you
That's a WAY better title than "best dance" or "best electronica."
I can't give it to Benassi here. As much as he's my guy and has revolutionized the way house music is today, I can't do it. His first album was LOADED, and he had a ton of GOOD songs, but nothing amazing on his most recent cd. But then again, its hard to find as song as amazing as "Satisfaction."
Nominees: David McCullen (My B*tch), Bennassi Bros (hit my heart), Daft Punk (technologic), Bodyrockers (I like the way you move), Eric Prydz (Call on me)
Winner: David McCullen
I dunno what it is about girls acting really sl_tty and saying "I just like to callllll you my b*tch" to pounding bass and pointing at you, but I like it... a lot. This was close between McCullen and Bodyrockers, but McCullen definitely got my nod for club anthem of 2006. That song makes girls absolutely go out of their minds, and guys who are doused in D & G cologne and way too much hair PRODUCT (that would be me) go after them. Song is off the hook for sure. "Call on me" is also the jam, but its getting old now. I heard it EVERYWHERE I went during the summer, and its kinda lost its luster for me.
*On a side note, dance album of the year- Benassi Bros: Phobia. Its outstanding. Pound for pound. I can't wait for their next album, which is in the process right now.
Trey Says: Listen to Murph on this one for sure. He would know.
Best singer/group that nobody admits to liking:
Nominees: Kelly Clarkson, Mariah Carey, Coldplay
Winner: Mariah.
Reason: Even though everyone hates the girl, she is one of the best singers we'll ever hear in our lifetime. If you've ever seen coldplay in concert, you're gay by default. I'll admit to liking kelly clarkson.
Trey Says: Coldplay sucks. At least everybody knows it after that scene in 40 Year Old Virgin. Coldplay is for chicks and whiney dudes who want to get chicks.
Artists who should retire today
For the record, can you imagine Dennis Leary coming on stage, smoking a cig, to present this award? Holy crap, that would be funny. He could roast em right after.
Nominees: Fallout Boy, Young Jeezy, Los Lonely Boys, Jamie Foxx
This was a tough one. I'm gonna go with...
Winner: Young Jeezy.
I don't bash hip hop too often, but this guy sucks. Like, really badly. Notice how every good song has someone really cool in it, so it covers up his crappiness. Akon makes "Soul Survivor" a cool song. And the whole Snowman thing? For those of you who don't know, its a psydonym for crack cocaine. There's young kids all over wearing those shirts now... good job, man. Invest in some mutual funds, retire, and get the hell off the radio. I'm sick of your ugly, no talent a__ taking time from people who are trying to break into the business.
Trey Says: Remember when Jaime Foxx used to be somewhat funny? Me too. He takes himself far to seriously today. And everyone knows the only reason he got to release a record was because he was good in Ray. But I hate to break it to you Jaime, the reason people liked the songs in Ray was because they were Ray Charles' songs and not because you were singing them. Stick to acting.

And last but certainly not least:

Trey, you've gotta be pretty happy with the nominations for best alternative. I can attest to you liking all those bands before they got nominated. Nice work, young grasshopper.
Trey Says: Funeral by the Arcade Fire should have won this award. They are one of the truly amazing contemporary bands. Their live shows are legendary and their music is just out of this world. I could write words and words praising this band but I'll stop this by saying you should hear their album. If you ask me for it, I will burn it for you because I think you should have it regardless of who you are."

Enjoy. Comments and debate are encouraged.