Single Black Lee Male

I'm not too sure what to make of this Courtney Lee character. Last year, with the Magic, she seemed like a nice lady who was down to play some tough defense and maybe make a three-pointer or miss an alley-oop layup on occasion.


But this year, there is something different. For instance, now she plays with the New Jersey Nets. That's not the difference I was talking about, necessarily. Check this out.


I know what you're thinking. No, that isn't Kenyon Martin from 2000 to 2004. It's just a case of one human (Courtney Lee) trying to be another human (Kenyon Martin) who was trying to be another human (Method Man). A real Kirk Lazarus situation.


Feels like an identity crisis starring John Cusack and Ray Liotta. Last season, peeps were like, "check out Courtney Lee, he's pretty legit." And he was sorta legit. He was a down-to-earth tucked-in shirt bro with a lady's name.


Now he is all headbandy and goateed, and I'm kinda thinking maybe he wants to be an enforcer like Kenyon Martin. Or maybe he wants to shoot bad jumpshots like Kenyon Martin. It's possible he wants to reinvent himself as a good defender who thinks he's an elite defender like Kenyon Martin. Maybe he just likes holding backboards like Kenyon Martin.


That's all well and good. Maybe he'll be the number one draft pick some time. I don't know. But I do know that there is one thing that I just can't accept from Courtney Lee, and that is a comically bad tattoo of a rapper's lips on his neck.

Be careful, Courtney Lee.

If My Dog Played Basketball

Everybody knows that my dog Yams really likes basketball.


As you can see she clearly 'nose for the ball' and she is pretty aggressive when going for it. I think that means that she'd be a really good rebounder, and would probably get a modest contract from the Houston Rockets because of efficiency. Which is cool since she'd be the first female to play in the NBA.

But sometimes, I wish she was a more skilled basketball player. I wish she could do other things besides just rebounding. I mean, yeah, it's worked out pretty well for Reggie Evans, but I want something better for Yams.

It would be excellent if I could teach her tons of ball-handling moves. Maybe I'd call her God Yammgod.


But I've always been a big guy, so I would have to teach her big guy things. Like how to block a lot of shots, but never really be a good defender. I would call her Yamuel Dalembert.


Maybe after that she would have one good year, get a huge contract, and then never fulfill that contract. I would call her Erick Yampier.


Later on we'd work on her 18-footer. It'd really help expand her limited offensive repertoire. Along with the rebounding and shot-blocking, she'd have three valuable skills. I would call her Marcus Yamby.


When her playing career has ended she'll probably have a reputation as a hard-worker who is committed to defense. Hopefully that means she'll be able to coach someday. If so, I'd call her Kurt Yambis.


This is all a dream though. She's only a year old, and even in dog years that's not old enough to enter the Draft. But depending on how you look at it, we have somewhere between 3 and 17 years to get her ready for the NBA. By then the gender/species barrier might have already been broken. But if not, I'm hoping Yams Baldwin Kerby can be the first to do it.

Brandon Jennings' New Shoes

As you already know, I'm a very powerful advertising executive.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some ads?

And you already know that I'm down with shoes.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some shoes?

But you probably didn't know that I was working closely with Under Armour to create the newest shoe for their biggest (and only) NBA endorser, Brandon Jennings. Brandon wanted to go with something that represented his team, the Milwaukee Bucks. I think we subtly alluded to that with this newest signature shoe, the BJ2.

The BJ2

There's some pretty impressive performance features. The zipper helps to maintain the low profile that Brandon likes, and the Hoof Bottom^TM allows for forefoot flexibility. Of course the coarse deer hair (obtained from real deer carcasses*) let's Brandon's foot breath, while keeping it dry and warm. The extended Deer Ankle Technology^TM gives support to both high and low ankle sprains.

Inspiration

We really looked to nature on this project, and I think it turned out pretty well. In fact, Brandon was wearing the shoes during his 55 point explosion. That's a pretty ringing endorsement. Right now, the shoes aren't available for the public, but they will be released over All Star Weekend. These will be especially great during the cold winter months. Stay tuned for further updates.

*No deer were harmed in the making of the BJ2. All hair was obtained from a roadkill exchange initiative in the Milwaukee area.

Spike Lee Explains Things: A Blowtorch Joint

Aight, Mike, let's break it down. I'm not legally affiliated with the team, but I go to every Knicks game. Every single Knicks game. 41 a year, Mike. Ahmad here does a show once a week about the NBA, so he doesn't have to be at a lot of games, but he goes anyways. And then you. You run an actual NBA team. Kinda. The Bobcats, man. They're technically an NBA team, but you don't even go to the games. That sound right? That sound right?

And what's with the mock turtlenecks, Mike? Back in the day, GQ was all over you. Oh, Michael Jordan, best dressed and all that. But now you wear mock turtlenecks and mom jeans, man. Was they lying back then, Mike? I mean, Ahmad can't say too much. He got on a scarf and jacket cut from the same material, but you know better Mike. You know? Youknowyouknowyouknow?

I know you ain't want to hear it Money, but it needs to be said. Don't leave me hanging, Mike. I'm just trying to set you straight, man. C'mon Mike. C'monc'monc'mon. Awww...Mike. C'mon!

Upon Kris Humphries Assuming Wolf Form

Kinda worried, guys.

I was reading the Internet and I came across this poster of Kris Humphries starring in the documentary New Moon.

Clearly this means that Kris Humphries is a werewolf. Clearly, werewolves are dangerous. They are known to eat humans, livestock, and sometimes Cobb salads. Clearly werewolves will eat whatever, so we need to be prepared for when Kris Humphries transforms from human to werewolf. Clearly.

Now, I have it under good authority that the Dallas Mavericks have undertaken strict precautions for employing a werewolf. Mark Cuban has developed a sophisticated 'moon catcher' that blocks moon rays from reaching Humphries' skin, preventing transformation. However, not all teams have adopted this technology, so I have put together a short guide for protecting yourself from WereKris. Here are the DOs and DO NOTs of werewolf safety:

• DO NOT attend Dallas Maverick games when a full moon is expected.
• DO always carry several steaks with you whenever the Mavericks are scheduled near your city. If WereKris attacks, throw a steak as far as you can, then run in the other direction.
• DO NOT forget to throw all of the steaks in different directions, otherwise WereKris will still smell the steaks you left in your pockets, and eat those steaks and probably your legs..
  
• DO wear cargo pants for maximum steak-holding efficacy.
• DO NOT listen to "She Wolf" by Shakira within a 50 mile radius of WereKris. That's just asking for trouble.
• DO fashion a shirt of mistletoe if it is confirmed that Humphries has transformed. Not only does the plant sometimes ward off werewolves, it also might get you a kiss when he becomes human again.
• DO NOT try to kiss Kris Humphries if he is in werewolf form.
• DO arm yourself with a revolver loaded with pure silver bullets. This is just good advice in general. You never know when things might get shoot-y.
• DO NOT investigate the Shrieking Shack or what is under the Whomping Willow.
• DO ask Professor Snape for a flask of Wolfsbane potion. Just in case.
  

From all the reading I've done on werewolves (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Wikipedia) it seems like we can co-exist with werewolves as long as we are careful. Constant vigilance is needed to stay alive. It's like I always say, "stay alive to stay alive."

"Stay alive to stay alive."
-- Trey Kerby, 1984-2012

The Annotated Brad Miller Drive

Last night I was watching some NBA basketball on television. I was enjoying the Chicago Bulls versus Sacramento Kings basketball game when Brad Miller decided to drive to the basket. This caused me to have some laughs.



Unfortunately, I couldn't find a true copy of the game because of 'blackouts' and 'legal restrictions', so this video will have to do. Nothing says aesthetic quality quite like a videotaped screen with annotations. But for seriously, make some laughs with me as Brad Miller fakes out Spencer Hawes, plays to the camera, and causes the announcers to say some of the most obviously crazy things ever uttered on a broadcast.

Stephen Jackson Joins the Bobcats

Wait.

I'm for real a Bobcat?

Like really? Like I play for the Bobcats now? That's for real?

Dag, yo.

And this my uniform? With like, the stripes but then sometimes no stripes? And this trim stuff that's like 18 different colors? For serious?

Dag, yo.

This is MESSED up. I was like "yo trade me Nellie," but I didn't mean to the Bobcats. Not cool, man. I was like hoping to get on a good team or something. But the Bobcats?

Dag, yo.

Yo, who plays guard around this piece? Who Murray? Flip? That his real name? Grown man call himself Flip. That ain't right. Forget it mang, I'ma play for y'all. I can do that, for...for you. But I'ma shoot. "Flip" Murray think he the only guard with a goatee and headband that gonna shoot, he's outta his mind.

THERE'S A DUDE NAMED BORIS ON THIS TEAM?? This ain't no Rocky and Bullwinkle type joke right? For real. His name is Boris?

Dag, yo.

At least he big though. Must be able to dunk something fierce.

He can't dunk?? For real? Man 6 foot 8 and can't dunk. You serious?

Dag, yo.

I guess y'all need scoring, right? Stephen Jackson can score for you. Stephen Jackson going to score for you. Like for real. Like lots of scoring for you. I'ma get my shots. Don't you worry. I'll do it for you, Bobcats.

Dag, yo.

The Bobcats...for real.