Dwight Howard Visits Sterling Cooper

(There is a knock on a door. Dwight Howard enters Don Draper's office.)

What?Yo, man, I'm Dwight. I came down here to just show y'all how to connect with young people. It's dark in here, man, mind if I turn on the lights?What do you need, Dwight?I don't need much, man. I just want to dance and smile. Give me a smile.Man, that ain't no smile. Stand up like Dwight and get a real smile going. Close enough, bro. Now we smilin'.

(There is a knock at the door. Pete Campbell enters the office.)

Don, we need to talk. Who is this?I'm Dwight, man.And what are you doing here?Just came down to hang out and dance.Very funny.

Come on, man. Dance for Dwight.

(There is a knock at the door. Sal Romano leans in the office.)

Ooooh, are we dancing?

Dwight Howard is Starting a Clothing Line

Since I started Blowtorch Consulting, I constantly get important emails asking for my opinions and advice when it comes to properly branding players. And because I'm doing the Phenomenal Swag thing, a lot of the questions I get have to deal with fashion, style, and fashionable style. Things of this nature come easily to me, probably because my mom dressed me exclusively in knickers until age 18. With that kind of background, I'm pretty proud of this news I broke in the headline.

In cooperation with Dwight Howard and adidas, Blowtorch Consulting is proud to introduce Dwight Howard's clothing line DH12. Designed jointly by adidias and Dwight Howard, this full-service line is going to be aimed at the big and tall crowd. It's going to be months before we can get this out to high-end stores, but I've got clearance to show you the first item.

This is by far Dwight's favorite piece from the line, and I've been told he wears it out in Orlando almost every night. It's nipped at the waist to give a clean silhouette, but it's sleeveless construction allows Dwight's arms to be exposed, as he insists. You can see the modest DH12 logo on the back, and the familiar three stripes of adidas on the left shoulder. Basically, it's the perfect piece of clothing for when you want to regulate your core temperature, but still show off your arms. It's priced at an affordable $399.99.

We're aiming for a September release, and I'm hoping to be able to show off some more of the samples later this summer. Be on the lookout at Hypebeast, Hipster Runoff, and High Snobiety for release information.

(post updated for legal reasons)

2009 Contests In Which Dwight Howard Finished 2nd

NBA Finals

Slam DunkYelling

Cartoonish Arms

Not Being Caressed by Tyronn Lue

Shirt Wearing

Dress Like an NBA Finals Participant

Three great looks for three different pricepoints...

THE EURO

Calvin Klein 3 button brown pinstripe suit (Macy's) - $174.99Patterned dress shirt (Old Navy) - $12.25Jonathan Product "Dirt" (Amazon.com) - $14.00

Total: $201.24

THE BRO

Black knit sweater vest (Express) - $39.501MX shirt wide tonal stripe (Express) - $37.50
Silk tie (Express) - $39.50

Total: $10,116.50 (including watch)

THE DAD

John Corey short sleeve performance mock turtleneck (Carefree Casuals) - $18.04Haircut (SuperCuts) -$8.00

Total: $26.04

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

Concentration-wise.

Whatever, Dwight Howard

It's finally happened; the slam dunk has lost its cache.

You're probably thinking, "yeah, right. Go back to Alabama where they don't even have SLAM at bookstores and you'll end up having to read Can I Keep My Jersey? even though it's not that great. That's what you deserve for saying dunking isn't cool anymore. A place that hates basketball. Go there." But I didn't even say dunking isn't cool, so you're kind of being a jerk.

The point is, this picture of Dwight Howard. I carefully analyzed each and every human in it who isn't Dwight Howard in order to test my theory. Check it out:

(click for full-size)

KEY

Green - actually enjoying this slam dunk shot

Yellow - refusing to watch, out of boredom

Red - visibly upset by the dunk

Light blue - skeptical

That's inarguable evidence right there, pal. These people are so fed up with Dwight Howard just dunking all the time. They're like, "sweet dunk Dwight." Then they roll their eyes to their friend behind Dwight's back.

So why don't you just lay off and stop telling me to go back to Alabama. I saw a kid there wearing a full Dwight Howard uniform, but with the new Melo's and socks, TO THE BEACH. Think about it.

Go Green, Guys

Hey dudes, it's "Green Week" for the NBA. Maybe you haven't heard of the environment, but it needs us to "go green." This means we need to do things for the environment that make the environment not hate us. If we don't do this, the environment will make us want to kill ourselves in increasingly ludicrous ways, and who knows if Marky Mark will be able to save us again.

But there are things you can do to help make the environment happy. For instance, you can take part in the NBA's gimmick for a good cause. You can buy their organically made goods which will still clog landfills once you realize you bought a multi-colored basketball and recycled socks.

And once you get your shirt, you can look just as silly as Denver's mayor by wearing a t-shirt over your shirt and tie. This look was invented by bros at Express Men maybe 4 years ago, but when you combine it with an environmental-friendly bicycle you look super fresh.

Another option is to go the Phoenix Suns route. As you can see, they hired reality tv hopefuls to work both in their promotional department and in their roadside garbage pick-up crew. Those orange cargo pants are great for carrying your spec script, headshots, and of course great amounts of garbage.

Or here's an idea: give children Gift Cards. Yeah, they'll eventually just be thrown away after the kids get their hands on the newest all-over print hoodie, but at least it's better than an oversized check, a great signifier of excess and disregard for the environment.

Oops!Maybe you have a lot of labor to take care of around the house. Rather than using machinery that emits harmful toxic fumes, why not just buy a couple of local teenagers to do the dirty work?I saw what happened to everyone around Mark Wahlberg, and I don't want that to happen to us. I'm going to do my part by recycling memes. In fact, this very post is a Skeets post with a thin coat of cynicism.

If we all work together, we can help save the environment. Mark Wahlberg isn't going to be here forever. But even if he was, we don't need to see him put through the obvious stress and consternation that he went through that time everyone started stabbing themselves. Look how hard he had it back then.

Don't put him through that again.

Please consider the environment before printing this post.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts: