Take the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge!

Here's another Media Day delight. Erik Spoelstra, the new Heat coach, was photographed by himself. Ergo, THE ERIK SPOELSTRA GREEN SCREEN CHALLENGE!

Here's a template:

And here are my submissions.

"Conscience"

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"The Temp"

Send your submissions to theblowtorch AT gmail. Best one wins a case of fine linens.

1000 Words: Bill Baptist Hates the New Orleans Hornets

The NBA's Media Day is one of my favorite off-season happenings in this beautiful league. Not only do you get unwarranted optimism and occasional lunacy, you also get some of the most hilarious pictures ever. These are the sort of pictures that last a lifetime; that bloggers will post and re-post, just because their absurdity is unbelievable.

Fortunately for us bloggers, Getty photographer Bill Baptist holds some kind of grudge against the New Orleans Hornets. Maybe he's a big Deron Williams fan. Maybe he used to live in Charlotte and can't stand the sight of the Fleur-De-Bee. Maybe he doesn't like the new uniforms just as much as I don't. Whatever it is, the pictures that the Hornets had taken are amazing.

The following vignette showcases what must be Baptist's signature pose -- the Basketball Shoulders. Surely these are some of the most ridiculous images to be captured on film. The Blowtorch salutes you, Bill Baptist. Well done.

The Raptors Model Their New Jerseys

Jose Calderon: Hello! My name is Jose. I like to wear jerseys. Today, I have an American friend in the studio with me. I met him at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? Okay, his name is Chris Bosh and he's ever so friendly.

Chris Bosh: Yo, how you doin'?

JC: My dad works for a big Spanish company and might be getting into business with his dad.

CB: My old man's in construction.

JC: Vinnie, didn't you think that our new jerseys are ever so fun?

CB: They don't suck.

JC: I love our new jerseys. I want to wear they all day long.

Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don't look.

CB: HEY! Were you lookin' at my booty? Don't look at my booty! Booty-looker!

[To Jose]

They was lookin' at my booty!

JC: Don't let 'em. Don't let 'em. Don't.

CB: Speakin' of booties, I just made a fart.

JC: I thought it just got warmer in here. Cheeky monkey!

My daddy says that Americans and Spanish people are seperated by a disagreement on facial hair.

CB: All's I know is that my dad could take your dad.

JC: That's probably true because, sadly, my dad doesn't carry firearms. Did it just get warmer in here again?

CB: Maybe.

JC: Cheeky monkey!

Monta Ellis Crashes His Moped

I am SO EXCITED to be SHOPPING today! What a FABOULOUS day for SHOPPING and my Vespa. I just love Vessy. She's my baby.

First things first, I MUST have that new blazer from Louis. Oh, that blazer is to die for. I saw Kanye wearing it and knew I HAD to get it. That Kanye, so fierce!

Well, now that I've got my GORGEOUS blazer, I guess I'll need to pair it with some trousers. I haven't seen ANY good trousers lately. UGH, this selection is dismal. I better head to Gucci. They're trousers look AMAZING on me.

(places Louis Vuitton blazer on back of Vespa)

Oh my word! I've never seen so many interesting pants! I need these in my life. All of these. Give me EVERY pair! Every one! Loves it!

OK. Blazer? Check. Pants? Check, check, check! What a great pants find. My goodness. Still need shirts, ties, and shoes though. I've got to look SPECTACULAR this season. To Burberry!

(places three pairs of pants on back of Vespa)

Burberry, you never disappoint me. Never. Looks like Montigallo is going to be spending a little bit of money here today! I'll take the gingham, tartan, light stripe, heavy stripe, grey banker, and that beautiful little King George plaid. Those are AMAZING. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. Baron is going to be sorry he left.

AND HOW CAN I PASS UP THIS CROPPED TRENCH? Too hott!

(places 6 shirts and trenchcoat on back of Vespa and leaves for Prada, the Vespa wobbles)

Last but certainly not least, SHOES! Monta loves him some shoes. I've seen those new Prada driving mocs and they are out of this world. If they have my size, I'm getting them in every color. It's so good to have money!

Lemme see. Dark chocolate, camel, BLUE SUEDE!, these are FANTASTIC. And those light brown Chelsea boots? Yes, please! Oh, Monta, you're going to look phenomenal.

(places 4 pairs of shoes on back of Vespa, the Vespa sways back and forth as Monta leaves for home)

SINCE WHEN IS THERE A PINKBERRY HERE? LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT!!!!!

(Monta purchases a large Pinkberry frozen yogurt and hops on his off-balance Vespa)

This yogurt is SO GOOD. I cannot believe this was made by humans. AMAZING.

(the Vespa swerves back and forth while Monta eats his yogurt)

Whew, Monta. Gotta take it slooooow and enjoy this yogurt. I could die now and be happy. Pinkberry, I love you.

(as the Vespa slows, it finally loses balance destroying Monta's ankle while his Pinkberry ruins the majority of his new clothing)

Oh, no. MY PINKBERRY!

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: The Orlando Magic New Uniforms Edition

The Magic have new jerseys this year, as they seem to do every 3 years or so. One of their promotional pictures is shown below. My thoughts follow.

From left to right:

• Jersey basketballs rank near jersey t-shirts on the level of horrible NBA branded merchandise.
• Is this the first time Bo Outlaw has ever smiled?
• The starry Magic jerseys of yore are among the worst jerseys in the past 10 years. Also included are the yellow, pin-striped Pacers jerseys, the pin-striped Rockets jerseys, the red Nets alternates, the gold Kings alternates, the silver Mavericks alternates, and the wide-shouldered black Bulls alternates.
• The new Magic jerseys are pretty nice. While I'm not a fan of that color of blue (too blase), it's a solid colorway. The only real problem I have with the jersey is that the pin-stripes fan out near the top. That's pointless.
• Rashard Lewis has the clap.
• WE FOUND NICK ANDERSON! HE'S BEEN AT MONGOLIAN BARBEQUE THIS WHOLE TIME!
• Seriously, who switched Nick Anderson with Chuck Person?
• The black, pin-striped Magic jerseys are the best they've ever had. It's a known fact that I am in the bag for Penny's shoes, but those jerseys are great too.

Gilbert Arenas's Engagement Story

When Gilbert got engaged, he was a little nervous. Sure, he knew Laura would say yes, but he'd never asked anyone to marry him before. He'd spent quite a bit of money on his lady's ring, and wanted her to like it. No, he wanted her to love it.

Laura had been pestering him for months to take her to the local state park. However, their schedules hadn't been able to find them any sort of time to get out to the park. Knee surgery is time-consuming! Finally, Gil took Laura to the park.

As Gil and Laura walked throughout the park, Gil made sure to keep the ring hidden. He'd keep his hand in his pocket or try to keep Laura on the opposide side of the ring box. Thankfully, a chill was in the air, so this wasn't a particularly unusual behavior.

When Gil and Laura finally made their way to Lover's Leap, Gil knew it was time. Surprisingly, most of the other patrons passed by, leaving Gil and Laura alone on a bench. While Gil and Laura sat side-by-side, Gil dropped to a knee, opened his ring box, and said, "Laura, I love you, will you marry me?"

"SHUT UP!" Laura replied, "Are you serious?"

"Uhhh...yeah. This is your ring," Gil stammered.

"Well, DUH I'll marry you!" Laura exclaimed.

Laura and Gil then kissed. Though it wasn't the smoothest transaction, Gil knew that Laura was exactly what he wanted, someone just as silly as him.

Salim Stoudamire's First Press Conference

Hi, guys. As you probably already know, I've been acquired by the Spurs. I just wanted to take my time to introduce myself to the people of San Antonio and my teammates.

The first thing I want to say is, I'm open. All the time. I'm open right now, in fact. Even though sometimes it might look like I'm guarded, trust me -- I'm open.

I don't know how it always happens, but for whatever reason, I'm always open. I wake up in the morning -- open. I get up in the middle of the night to pee -- open. I'm driving down the block with my Low End Theory tape in -- open. So basically, just get me the rock.

This brings me to my second point. My shooting range is unfathomable. Whenever I touch the ball, the shot is something I'm comfortable with. For instance, one time at Atlanta last year, I was on the bench, but we were shooting at the other basket. A ball got tipped out of bounds and I caught it. Even though I was on the bench, on the other side of the floor, I could have hit that shot. Of course, I was open.

Remember those shirts in the Eastbay catalogs from like 10 years ago? The ones that said something like "my range starts when I enter the gym" or something like that? I bought every single one of those shirts in both colors. You know why? Because it's true. Kind of. My range starts when I see a basketball hoop anywhere. That's my shot. No worries.

In closing, I'd like to thank the people of San Antonio for welcoming me to your fine state. I'd also like to remind you that I'm open.

Thank you.

Basketball with the Holy Ghost

Simply stunning. Watch and enjoy.

Guest Post: Kanye West Blogs About Playing Ball

When Kayne mentioned he'd be playing ball today, I asked him if he'd talk about his experience. Surprisingly, he said yes. Here's his account:

YO, I WAS A BALLER TODAY, YO!!!!!!!!!1

Sported the AIR YEEZYS ... you ain't got these on! Lotta people was HATIN' sayin Ye can't ball but I was ballin, son!!!!! ... Hataz was like 'that aint YE,' but it was me!!! Ball is life for me.... I'm either in the stu or out ballin. Dont front!

Superman did his thing....did you realize I'm a champion in they eyes? YES I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!

Field Guide: Know Your Howards

I heard somewhere that Gil is the most popular name on Earth. And while this is obviously true, the second most popular name must be Howard. Therefore, in the interest of keeping your stories straight, here is a some notable Howards.

JUWAN HOWARD

Former University of Michigan standout who has been a huge to moderate disappointment, given his college exploits. Staunch supporter of the goatee; a fact that has soured fans across the globe.

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DWIGHT HOWARD

Jesus loving basketball player who stands 10'8" tall.

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JOSH HOWARD

Dallas Mavericks forward who, through undeniable blackness, does not support "The Star-Spangled Banner." Among the things that find his favor despite his blackness: orthodontia, headbands, franks n' beans, ninjitsu, and Teddy Ruxpin.

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HOWARD THE DUCK

A duck named Howard who wears plaid shirts and suspenders when seducing 80s babes.

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HOWARD EISLEY

Former NBA basketball player whose Google Image searches return a surprising number of Michael Jordan pictures. Suck it Jazz fans.

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DESMOND HOWARD

University of Michigan legend/childhood hero of goathair.

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HOWARD STERN

All-around creep who has enjoyed great success despite notable lack of talent. America.

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RON HOWARD

Former child actor who has gone on to a successful directing career where he specializes in schlocky Oscar grabs mixed with neutered action films. Occasionally dabbling in ineffective child films, Ron Howard has grown a terrible beard.

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CLINT HOWARD

Much to Ron Howard's delight, his brother Clint has become a successful character actor. Ergo, Ron is not the scariest looking Howard in show business.

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HOWARD DEAN

Former Democratic Presidential candidate who surprised many by embarrassing himself on the way to squandering a commanding lead during the 2004 nomination process. Loves cows.

Happy Birthday Rasheed Wallace!

It's Sheed's 34th birthday today. Maybe you're wondering what you can get for him on this special day. Here are a few suggestions.

From me, some terrible Air Force 1s!

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From Graydon, a bullhorn!

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From Skeets, a chest of drawers!

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From Matt, bowling shoes!

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From me, Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won't Regret by TD Jakes!

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From Maj, spray on hair!

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Go ahead and put your ideas in the comments. It's a celebration y'all!

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects: The September Sucks Edition

Here's why:

• Nothing important has happened regarding basketball since the gold medal game. The biggest "story" since then has been that Shaq's going to retire in 2 years. Can somebody get Ben Gordon to do something rash and hilarious?


• My favorite college football team, the Michigan Wolverines, is terrible. On the plus side, at least they're really funny to watch.


• My favorite professional football team, the Chicago Bears, are a house of cards. They're relying on an aging defense, rookie running back, and Kyle Orton. This can't end well.


• There hasn't been a decent rap release since Murs and 9th Wonder released their tape. And outside of "Nina Ross," that wasn't great by any means.


• The recent rap singles that have been leaked ("Swagger Like Us," "Love Lockdown," "Jockin' Jay-Z") have been interesting until you actually hear them. Then you listen to it and nothing.


• I can't remember the last time a rock release has been that interesting. Not since I got Dodos from Weiss has anything of recent vintage stayed playing.

All this makes for a fairly lackluster month. BUT, the NBA starts in October. That's not so bad.

Dan Majerle and Celine Dion Together At Last

This morning it took me two and a half hours to travel what should have taken an hour. Plus, I'm trying to buy a house. I apologize for not blowing up your Google Reader with awesomeness (ShareBros stand up!), but I think this will suffice for now.

Turn the volume up because the audio quality is definitely not quality. The video, however, is amazing. Dan Majerle horsing around with Celine Dion, as you'd expect.

To My "Friend"

Hey NBA Chair,

It's me, Pat. I just wanted to let you know how much I'm going to miss you.

Which is not at all.

I hate you with every fiber of my being. I can't believe that I've had to have such a close association with you for so many years. Back in the Notre Dame days, I thought it would be great to even be in the NBA; if I'd have known you were going to be such a jerk I'd have played volleyball like my mom wanted me to. I'd have even played football over having to deal with you. Touchdown Jesus knows they need the help.

It's not so much that you aren't comfortable, which you aren't. It isn't even that you're way to small for 6-foot-9 guy, which you are. It's that smug look you'd have on your stupid padded face after I'd invariably have to come back to you.

In a way, you're like a crippling drug addiction, without all the fun. I can't stand you but for whatever reason, I kept coming back. For that I hate you.

A lot of retired guys will put a bunch of you around their house. I wouldn't dream of that. I'd rather sit on a mound of broken glass, used needles, and salt.

Get bent. Literally.

Pat Garrity

www.myspace.com/gatparrity -- HOT RAP BEATZ

The Annotated LeBron James Late Show Appearance

LeBron was on Letterman last night. So was Barack Obama. Ergo, LeBron got bumped and only was on air for about six minutes. Tough break.

Nonetheless, LeBron made the most of his six minutes by creeping me out with how much he looks like he should be a middle aged white guy. The mustache, cardigan, and hairline that looks receding but really isn't -- all trademarks of the middle aged white guy. For reference, consult this handy guide.

Notice anything else strange? Throw it in the comments.

Pat Riley Is A Big Fan of Dean Martin

When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie

That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine

That's amore

Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like a pasta fazool
That's amore

When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love

When you walk down in a dream but you know you're not
Dreaming signore



Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli
That's amore

The Worst Shoe Commercial Ever

Allow me to expound on the various reason that this Converse commercial is the worst major shoe commercial of all time. BULLETS.

• It stars Jalen Rose, John Starks, and Brevin Knight.
• Starks and Knight have their voices altered as if they had inhaled helium. That's Jalen's real voice.
• The guys seem to be playing a game of 2 on 3 in the abandoned building where Jim Carrey meets Morgan Freeman in Bruce Almighty.
• The main selling point for the shoe that's being advertised is that it has helium in it.
• Besides the fact that the main selling point of the shoe is that they have helium in them, the shoes are atrocious.
• For whatever reason, Brevin Knight has his shirt off in his close-up. He also looks like Pusha-T.
• Seriously, helium shoes.
  

Otherwise, great commercial. With that kind of advertising, it's hard to see why Converse went bankrupt for a while. Total shocker.

Deron Williams Is My Best Friend Ever

Oh yeah, me and Deron go way back. I remember that time when he that weird tiny Afro in college. That was so funny. Deron's just like that, always cutting up.

Like his beard now! Have you seen that thing? It's hilarious. Deron and I are always talking about how great beards are and then he goes and grows one. In China, no less! That's Deron for you. Always growing beards in China.

We talk about all kinds of stuff. I wore purple uniforms in high school, so I know exactly what he's going through out there in Utah. Believe me, when he first went to the Jazz he was freaking out about the purple uniforms. I had to talk him down quite a bit. At one point, he considered demanding a trade to the Bobcats because he loves orange so much. I wasn't too surprised; orange is my favorite color too.

It's been a while since we've been able to hang out, him being in Utah and all. That's why we Twitter with each other. Most of his tweets are pretty boring, but he's pretty busy. He was just telling me the other day about how much Carlos Boozer loves Greek food. Feta cheese, gyros, spanakopida; all that stuff. Deron told me that you DO NOT want to be around Boozer after he's had a few gyros. It's gross enough that the cucumber sauce gets caught in his chest hair, but his gas afterwards is otherworldly.

I'm just so happy for him. He's got his big contract, and a gold medal, and his Chinese beard. It's weird. I've had a few beards, and I have a job, and I bought a necklace a couple weeks ago. After all these years, Deron Williams and I are still going down the exact same path.

Zach Randolph Calls Darrell Arthur

phone rings

Darrell Arthur: solemnly Hello.

Zach Randolph: Yo, this Darrell Arthur?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur from Kansas?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur who now plays for the Memphis Grizzlies?

DA: Yes.

ZR: In Memphis?

DA: Yes.

ZR: For the Grizzlies?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur who got busted with the Terrific Twosome at the Rookie thing?

DA: What's the terrific twosome?

ZR: Weed and women, ya big dummy. Oh, and it's capitalized.

DA: Okay.

ZR: So are is it true?

DA: Unfortunately, yes.

ZR: Perfect. I'm coming to Memphis.

Oklahoma City's Mascot

You might have thought that the Oklahoma City Thunder's logo was weak (and it is -- it looks like a create-a-team logo from NBA Live 2000), but their mascot is just plain creepy.

I Don't Even Like Fantasy Basketball

But, I do like reading about humans. And any sentence that calls people humans. Well played, Give Me the Rock.

The 2008-2009 Periodic Table of NBA Bloggers

Matt and I did this because he's good with spreadsheetish things and I'm a science guy. Click that beast for a linked-up legend. Or else.

Mike D'Antoni Attends His First Knicks Practice

Mike D’Antoni enters the Knicks practice facility. He is impeccably dressed in a Thom Browne suit, his mustache is freshly groomed, and he has recent shined Salvatore Ferragamo shoes on.

Mike D’Antoni: Alright, Knicks. Get over here. Lemme see what we got.

Scans roster

Ah, Quentin Richardson. Q, my man.

Quentin Richardson: What up, Coach.

Pounds head

MD: Q? What happened? You look enormous.

Richardson pounds head

MD: You’re still doing that? You haven’t played with what’s-his-name since 2002.

Richardson pounds head

MD: Okaaaaaay. Well…Mardy Collins…Jerome James…Jared Jeffries…Anthony Roberson…Fred Jones…this can’t be real. This is made up, right?

Stephon Marbury: Nah man that’s our roster we ballin’ this yeah Stephy aka Starburst aka Starbeezy aka Caramel Mochalotta runnin’ things droppin’ things shootin’ things the usual...

MD: Please be quiet.

SM: …I figger I’ll prolly get 40-50 a night plus like 19 or 20 steals and at least 2 assists that’s good for 70ish wins there I think we’re lookin’ at beatin’ the Bulls record but it’s too early to tell…

MD: Patrick, uh…Patrick Ewing?

Patrick Ewing, Jr.: Junior. Play me or I’ll tell my dad. He could beat you up.

SM: …I been workin’ on some things like a behind-the-back layup I call the Coney Island Cyclone it’s a nod to my homeboys they gonna love it plus I’m gettin’ some ink done this weekend picture a the Pringles guy for you coach just so you know we tight…

MD: Might as well get started. I want Duhon, Crawford, Chandler, Curry, and Randolph on the floor. You’ll be our starting five.

Jamal Crawford, Eddy Curry, and Wilson Chandler take the court. Crawford immediately begins shooting.

MD: Where’s Chris?

Wilson Chandler: Drankin’.

MD: And you are?

WC: Wilson Chandler.

MD: WILSON Chandler? Not Tyson. Of course. Where’s Zach?

WC: With Chris.

MD: Great….Lee and Danilo, out here.

David Lee and Danilo Gallinari step on the court. Gallinari bends low to the floor to check his hair in the reflection. Lee begins rebounding Crawford’s misses.

Danilo Gallinari: Ciao allenatore. Papà dice ciao e grazie per la raccolta di me. Come funziona guardare i miei capelli?

MD: Your hair looks fine, Danilo. It always does.

DG: …thanks…be…to…youth?

MD: Close enough. You’re welcome.

SM: …and like I just wanna still be the best point guard in the league which I am but I don’t wanna give up the throne look at what I’ve done played for Phoenix then they were great I made KG win that title and Bassy’s been killin’ at the Rucker all because of Steph so why I ain’t averagin’ like 30 shots a night is crazy holla.

Nate Robinson knocks out Stephon Marbury with a single punch

Where Are They Now?: Gold Medal Point Guards Edition

Jason KiddAfter spending time over seas, Jason was amazed by Asian culture. He has since ordered his own set of Anime Eyes.

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Dwyane Wade

Dwyane recently made history as the first African-American, non-employee to attend a Florida Marlins baseball game.

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Chris Paul

Chris has taken to modelling. You can see him here, sporting a jersey my sister would have worn in fifth grade.

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Deron Williams

Deron has spent time relaxating and keeping the snakes away from his seed.