Foiled Again

I thought I'd be able to trick Stephon Marbury with this letter, but he's a lot smarter than I thought.

Stephon Marbury Reacts to the Trade of Jamal Crawford

Ey yo Mike MIKE HEY MIKE is Steph aka the Motherland aka Stephonious aka Stereophonics on the ones and twos aka Peace to Bambaataa you know I hear we traded Jameer Crawfish or whateva and Ima just lettin you know that Stephybaby is ready baby I been workin this game HARD this year mustache you don't even know I been down in the streets gettin this game right like a Republican and Im lookin tight yo no homo but my game is killin right now jus the otha day I put up 35 on fifteen a fitty shooting thats nice mustache but then like I also been watchin Knicks games and know you want us shootin in seven seconds which is NOT a problem trust me so now that we got rid a that Crawster dude Steph ready to play point again the fat dude on the bench is buggin out yo get me away from him but I promise Ill pass to the new wrinkle head cat if he wide open or somethin itll be off the hook son holla.

Stephon Marbury Reminds You to Vote

Ay yo this Stephon Marbury aka Starbury aka the Starchild aka the Mothership Connection aka America I'm just reminding all y'all to get out and vote today just like every year on the second Tuesday of Novemba we gotta elec a new President so make sure you get that vote out son we only get to do this once a year but this year we gotta do it right so go getcha vote on go in that booth and make your choice either for that old dude with the hot chick that I wanna get in the truck or that black dude who balls out and chills with that other old dude with the big teeth either way make sure you get yo self to the voting today and choose our President for the next year we do it again next year but for reals this important yo holla.

Mike D'Antoni Attends His First Knicks Practice

Mike D’Antoni enters the Knicks practice facility. He is impeccably dressed in a Thom Browne suit, his mustache is freshly groomed, and he has recent shined Salvatore Ferragamo shoes on.

Mike D’Antoni: Alright, Knicks. Get over here. Lemme see what we got.

Scans roster

Ah, Quentin Richardson. Q, my man.

Quentin Richardson: What up, Coach.

Pounds head

MD: Q? What happened? You look enormous.

Richardson pounds head

MD: You’re still doing that? You haven’t played with what’s-his-name since 2002.

Richardson pounds head

MD: Okaaaaaay. Well…Mardy Collins…Jerome James…Jared Jeffries…Anthony Roberson…Fred Jones…this can’t be real. This is made up, right?

Stephon Marbury: Nah man that’s our roster we ballin’ this yeah Stephy aka Starburst aka Starbeezy aka Caramel Mochalotta runnin’ things droppin’ things shootin’ things the usual...

MD: Please be quiet.

SM: …I figger I’ll prolly get 40-50 a night plus like 19 or 20 steals and at least 2 assists that’s good for 70ish wins there I think we’re lookin’ at beatin’ the Bulls record but it’s too early to tell…

MD: Patrick, uh…Patrick Ewing?

Patrick Ewing, Jr.: Junior. Play me or I’ll tell my dad. He could beat you up.

SM: …I been workin’ on some things like a behind-the-back layup I call the Coney Island Cyclone it’s a nod to my homeboys they gonna love it plus I’m gettin’ some ink done this weekend picture a the Pringles guy for you coach just so you know we tight…

MD: Might as well get started. I want Duhon, Crawford, Chandler, Curry, and Randolph on the floor. You’ll be our starting five.

Jamal Crawford, Eddy Curry, and Wilson Chandler take the court. Crawford immediately begins shooting.

MD: Where’s Chris?

Wilson Chandler: Drankin’.

MD: And you are?

WC: Wilson Chandler.

MD: WILSON Chandler? Not Tyson. Of course. Where’s Zach?

WC: With Chris.

MD: Great….Lee and Danilo, out here.

David Lee and Danilo Gallinari step on the court. Gallinari bends low to the floor to check his hair in the reflection. Lee begins rebounding Crawford’s misses.

Danilo Gallinari: Ciao allenatore. Papà dice ciao e grazie per la raccolta di me. Come funziona guardare i miei capelli?

MD: Your hair looks fine, Danilo. It always does.

DG: …thanks…be…to…youth?

MD: Close enough. You’re welcome.

SM: …and like I just wanna still be the best point guard in the league which I am but I don’t wanna give up the throne look at what I’ve done played for Phoenix then they were great I made KG win that title and Bassy’s been killin’ at the Rucker all because of Steph so why I ain’t averagin’ like 30 shots a night is crazy holla.

Nate Robinson knocks out Stephon Marbury with a single punch

Stephon Marbury Calls P. Diddy

P. Diddy: Bad Boy, baby. This Diddy.

Stephon Marbury: What up Puff it's Steph aka the Steph aka Starbury aka the Mothership aka Stephon Marbury aka Big Time aka Hollaback I'm bout to get me a jet son but not like the Jetsons but that show's CRAZY man they got that blazin' hott robot that gets 'em drinks and food and like does they laundry and all that maybe I will get me a Jetson on second thought then maybe that chick with the white hair with all them circles will come keep Stephysteph company now that I ain't gotta worry about ball I mean I'm still about ballin' but that ain't like something that keep Starbeezy up at night worryin' I need to get me to Europe Daddy but not Daddy in the gay way no homo right nonetheless I'm feelin' jets right now I wanna get one that turns into a car like that dude Shy of the Buff you know from that movie with all them crazy jets that try to like kill Will Smith I think one of those Rubik's cube jets is the jet I'm tryin' a get and I figured you gotta have at least three of them jets that turn into things so I need you to hook me up holla.

P. Diddy: This Jada?

Stephon Marbury Calls Italy

Giorgio Napolitano: Ciao, questo è Giorgio Napolitano.

Stephon Marbury: Yo this Italy right cause I ain’t have no idea what you just said George-O I’m just callin’ cause I’m comin’ there in not too long and I wanna make sure y’all got somewhere to sell my shoes cause these shoes is hot in the street yo and ain’t talkin’ Rick Ross hot in the street where he ain’t really hot in the street the Starbury for real son so don’t front but I just also am lettin’ you know that I’ma be joining one of y’alls teams and I plan on winning some titles and some championships and gettin’ that Larry OB over to Italy don’t doubt that I know the exchange rate is messed up right now but I’m guessing you got somethin’ that means dime in Italyish and y’all must know I’ll be droppin’ whatever that is ON THE REGULAR ain’t no thang for Stephon aka Steph aka Starbury aka Steve aka Stephontigallo aka Massive aka NY4LIFE but it ain’t all Italydimes I’ma be on my jumpshot game I’ma be on my dunk game YOU KNOW I’ma be on my Steph-Away game I don’t that it translates exactly but it’s gonna revolutionize Europia like Michaelangelo Da Vinci or whoever that dude was holla.

Giorgio Napolitano: Qualcuno get me le Nazioni Unite immediatamente.

Moore on the picture, folks.

A Phone Call from Stephon Marbury to Jerry Colangelo

In Beijing, a phone rings in Jerry Colangelo’s mobile office…

Jerry Colangelo: Hello?

Stephon Marbury: Yeah what up Jer I’m jus’ callin’ to see when we startin’ team USA practice I’m pumped to be headin’ to China dog they food there be CRAZY son I’m talkin’ egg foo young and fried rice and fortune cookies and THE GENERAL B the General is gonna be crazy yo we talkin’ actual Chinese General not that whack Panda Express nonsense actual Chinese General it’s gonna be RIDICULOUS but anyway I just wanna see when practice starts I been workin’ on my game it’s all I been doin’ Jer well except the head tattoo that thing’s itchy as all get-out for real though my step-back is looking tight and my fall-away I even added one ain’t no one seen yet call it the Steph-Away it’s basically a step-back plus a fall-away which is unguardable but you already know that I figger I’ll prolly drop a dime here and there cuz it get boring otherwise for the other dudes I mean you know I don’t mind shooting whenever wherever but for real JerBear we takin’ it this time no sweat we takin’ it we are I ain’t care if Yao and E and Dirk and Caveman and all them other dudes playin’ for Greece again that was a fluke we can’t be stopped holla.

Jerry Colangelo: Who IS this?

MY RIGHT ANKLE, MATHEMATICSIZED!!!

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