The Brad Miller Show: Brad Miller Cuts His Beard

In this thrilling conclusion (maybe...) to season one of The Brad Miller Show, our hero sheds his facial hair.

I Made It

Guys, I was violently ill this week. I couldn't even sleep through the night and I ate about 150 Tums in 2 days. I didn't know if I was going to live through it. My life flashed before my eyes. It was like watching a Brad Miller video, but with somewhat less headbands. I was terrified.

Would I ever get to see the Bulls make the playoffs again? Would I ever get to make a really good sign for them?

It was horrible. Laying there on my couch, I was pleading. If Carl Landry can get shot and live through it, why do I have to die from eating two bowls of chili at 10:00 pm? Then I started thinking, will I ever get to see Carl Landry play again?

I mean, he got shot, you guys. Just in the leg, but it's still significant. 50 Cent got shot 9 times and he's alive. Didn't I deserve to live? I had just started to go green, too. I think I was making an impact. My movement, the go green movement that I created, has already reached Los Angeles.

Sure, some people have taken it too far. Like the Bobcats. They just made a joke of my movement with their silly green uniforms. I wouldn't miss the Bobcats and they're smug, "Look at us we're wearing green uniforms" attitude.

I was determined though. I had my Tums and my will and I promised myself that I wouldn't be outlived by Dikembe Mutombo. That'd just be embarrassing.But the thing I'd miss the most of all, besides my family and friends, but probably more than some of my "friends" (haters), was that I'd never get the chance to see your brother and your dad play basketball again.

They were such an inspiration to me. Such a motivation to keep fighting for my life, while I was eating Tums. If it wasn't for them, I don't know if I'd have survived this horrible illness called sweat sickness. I saw it on The Tudors and it was really deadly, so I'm pretty sure that's what I had.

But I made it, guys. And I have your dad and brother to thank. Tell Brian and Steve I said, "thanks." They'll know what it means.

The Celtics Big Three Attend a Screening of Fast and Furious

Michael Jordan-esque

I am ill today, and not in the Beastie Boys sense. However, I watched Game 5 of the '97 Finals this weekend, so it'd be insulting to recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan if I didn't produce some bloggable memes. That being said, I had to dig very deep in to the YouTube vaults to find Jordan videos that have no views. But here's two.

First, a Bulls-oriented promo where the producers blew most of their budget on writing a Robert Palmer parody and only had enough money left for two words from Jordan.

And of course, Michael Jordan being a normal guy. Renewing his license, dressing like Samuel L. Jackson, and blinking during his picture. Because Michael Jordan is nothing, if not a totally normal guy who is in no way different than any of us.

Go Green, Guys

Hey dudes, it's "Green Week" for the NBA. Maybe you haven't heard of the environment, but it needs us to "go green." This means we need to do things for the environment that make the environment not hate us. If we don't do this, the environment will make us want to kill ourselves in increasingly ludicrous ways, and who knows if Marky Mark will be able to save us again.

But there are things you can do to help make the environment happy. For instance, you can take part in the NBA's gimmick for a good cause. You can buy their organically made goods which will still clog landfills once you realize you bought a multi-colored basketball and recycled socks.

And once you get your shirt, you can look just as silly as Denver's mayor by wearing a t-shirt over your shirt and tie. This look was invented by bros at Express Men maybe 4 years ago, but when you combine it with an environmental-friendly bicycle you look super fresh.

Another option is to go the Phoenix Suns route. As you can see, they hired reality tv hopefuls to work both in their promotional department and in their roadside garbage pick-up crew. Those orange cargo pants are great for carrying your spec script, headshots, and of course great amounts of garbage.

Or here's an idea: give children Gift Cards. Yeah, they'll eventually just be thrown away after the kids get their hands on the newest all-over print hoodie, but at least it's better than an oversized check, a great signifier of excess and disregard for the environment.

Oops!Maybe you have a lot of labor to take care of around the house. Rather than using machinery that emits harmful toxic fumes, why not just buy a couple of local teenagers to do the dirty work?I saw what happened to everyone around Mark Wahlberg, and I don't want that to happen to us. I'm going to do my part by recycling memes. In fact, this very post is a Skeets post with a thin coat of cynicism.

If we all work together, we can help save the environment. Mark Wahlberg isn't going to be here forever. But even if he was, we don't need to see him put through the obvious stress and consternation that he went through that time everyone started stabbing themselves. Look how hard he had it back then.

Don't put him through that again.

Please consider the environment before printing this post.

Even More Carmelo Anthony's Space Adventure Letters

Yo Earth, it's Melo.

We're doing alright up here. Actually, I'm chillin'. Cause it's cold in the darkness of Space. LOL.

It's all good though. Me and Chauncey have been pretty busy doing experiments and stuff. We brought some gear because we figure it'd probably get bored since it's just me and Chauncey. Thankfully Chauncey brought all his Space movies or else we'd be bored. Right, Chaunce?

Word.

Lately, we've been watching Tyra Banks-era Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I guess because she's out of this world pretty. LOL. I guess that's the reason, cause I don't really see anything else Space-related but Chauncey told me he wanted to do Space travel because he only watched Space movies.

Anyways, Will was getting all jiggy wit it on the show and me and Chauncey saw an air hockey table in the background and we were like, "YO LET'S PLAY AIR HOCKEY." But for two reasons we couldn't. One, there's no gravity here. Two, there's no air hockey table. We were bummed.

But then Chauncey reminded me that we brought gear with us, so we used our plastic maker to make some bumpers and a puck. And since Chauncey's a genius with refracted light he hooked us up with some lineage to have like a floating "table," if you will. The puck like floats in the Space air, so you have to go all over the place to make shots and it's AWESOME.

Since we're businessmen, we decided to start a company that sells Space hockey. We're still beta testing it, but when we get to Earth, we'll try to hook people up with this game. Here's our first promotion:

The tag line is going to be: "Space Hockey International -- It's Outta This World!" LOL.

I'll write again soon, and if there's anything you want to know, just tell me.

Chillin (from the Space cold),

Melo

What Happened Was

I was in Canada (the country) for three days, and just returned to a totally different NBA. And it's not just the NBA that changed, it's everything about America. Maybe I'm just seeing things in a different light, now that I've experienced a completely different culture, but things aren't making sense.

When I left, so many moons ago, cloning was illegal. Now, it appears that if you have enough money you can pay someone to make your identical double to give you back rubs and laugh at your jokes even if they aren't funny.

And that's not the only genetic modifications that are now allowed. Always ahead of the curve, the Spurs have somehow found a way to make their players 15% larger than they usually are. The advantages of this are numerous. Not only are scoring, rebounding, and defending far easier, kneeing people in the genitals is almost commonplace after the size increase procedure.

I'm not terribly surprised because Obama. He's changing things (mostly basketball-related genetics, obviously). But it was a little weird to me that David Stern decided to change the rules of basketball when they've been the same for so long. That he's no allowing Greco Roman wrestling during games is off-putting. That it occurs between a Spaniard and a Frenchman is all the more jarring.

And to top things off, the Kings retired my Dad's number. I mean, I've always enjoyed playing with him; he's a great passer and suprisingly nimble, but I'm not sure why an NBA team is retiring his jersey when he's never played in the NBA.

Canada is so much different than America, and I spent so much time deeply embedded in their culture that it's been such a hard adjustment coming back. In time, I hope to understand this fascinating new league.