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This spring, people just can't stop confessing...
Kobe Bryant IS The Closer. Only on TNT.
I haven't even tried since Anchorman.
Luke and I have a thing. Don't tell the ladies though.
I dun eben like bathketbawl.
Tonay Parcare wanns-a you to sex-a hees wife. He juss watch and eat baguette. You might think that Doug Collins is the only former Chicago Bull returning to the Windy City, but you'd be wrong. The Blowtorch presents to you two independent pictures that surely hint at the return of another legend. Draw your own conclusions.
HMMMMMMM...............
Kevin McHale: Excellent. My two best chums. Scouts honor and all that. You two been checkin' them college guys out?
Kevin McHale: Hah. Next.
Kevin McHale: Who's that?
Kevin McHale: You guys are messing with me, right? That has to be Photoshopped. Who acquired that fat slob?
Man Scout: Yes, he's very good.
Man Scout: I suppose Kevin Love from UCLA is the closest to Al.
Man Scout: Neglible.‘Twas a long weekend at Blowtorch base camp and I need to clear my brain of all thought basketball and non-basketball before I can go back to making jokes about basketball.
Glow in the Dark Tour:
Why wasn’t the order Rihanna, N.E.R.D., Lupe, Kanye? I think that’s what everyone wanted since we were in Chicago.
Lupe’s set was too short and he gave too much of his time up to his cronies who won’t do anything ever. He kind of seems like the guy who will do contrarian things just to be different. If he wasn’t such a good rapper, I’d probably hate him.
Pharrell wants to be a Rock Star (rather than a general superstar, which he is) so, so, so badly it’s funny. However, what he doesn’t realize is that drum solos are an assault to rock sensibilities everywhere. Furthermore, his subject matter is a hyper-sexualized update on 50s themes. Dancing, being “bad,” and going crazy are old hat.
I wonder if Common is sad that he is relegated to being a backup dancer for a glorified rock side project during his home city’s biggest hip-hop show of the year.
Chris Brown was FREAKING OUT when he was onstage with N.E.R.D. but didn’t appear during Rihanna’s “Cinderella.” Love on the rocks? Ain’t no big surprise.
Here’s a fun debate, worst dancer in hip-hop: Kanye, Lupe, or Pharrell?
It’s highly likely that Kanye fired someone after his mic didn’t turn on for the first four bars of “Homecoming.” Tough break.
According to the fiancée, Kanye was wearing some sort of jacket tied around his waist but it definitely looked like a skirt. I’m all for innovation but looking like a homosexual “California Love” extra isn’t a good look.
New part for “Hey Mama” gave me chills.
Best part of the concert, during the “leave yo a** for a white girl” part of “Gold Digger,” a large black guy pointed right at my fiancée. Awesome.
Sunday
I got in two big basketball debates at the annual barbecue: 1. Chris Paul could be the best point guard ever 2. NBA vs. NCAA. My extended thoughts follow.
On Chris Paul: I have a good sense of history of the game. I respect everything that’s been done and the legends and all that. But the season that Chris Paul just had was off the charts. It’s impossible to ignore that he has the potential to become the best point ever. However, that’s the sort of argument you can’t win. There’s no way to predict injuries. There’s no way to know if the Hornets franchise will cut payroll leaving CP by himself. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to be legendary.
My buddy argued that the NCAA is better than the NBA for the worst reason ever. He said the NBA is inferior because there is a rule in place that prevents help defenders from staying in the lane. That’s it. He doesn’t like the NBA because it doesn’t allow for fundamental help defense. He didn’t see my point that that equates with good defenders being able to get to the help line even quicker, but I’m guessing that’s because he’s an idiot.
The NBA vs. NCAA debate is settled by choosing which side you’re on, talent or hustle. It’s that easy. If you like talent, you’re an NBA fan. If you like hustle, you’re an NCAA fan. There’s no other realm that the NCAA touches the NBA in, other than hustle. Could that be because the season is 1/3rd as long? Hmmmm……
That's all. Back to your regularly scheduled jokes about foreigners.
The One Up - commonly used to signify the start of a one minute countdown until shooting and/or fighting begins.
The One Down - used after the one minute countdown, this is a last resort warning that Pierce will begin to attack.
The Saxophone - Paul Pierce is about to play some Kenny G ish on yo dome.
The Double Mash - though Pierce's face shows glee, this action signifies an impending assault with Pierce's two balled fists.
The Duck Down - this move is a threatening maneuver warning the recipient to lower they head lest they receive punishment.
The "Chill, Homie" - Pierce is warning his antagonist to "check" themselves prior to "wrecking" themselves.
The That's Amore - this gesture, which emulates Italian Mafioso figures, is a signal that Pierce is well connected and will not hesitate to use these connections maliciously.
A-luke at Tonay being sneakiess. Tonay make Spurs a-veen by tventy point. UH HUH HUH BAGUETTE! Tonay like-a baguette!
See! Tonay Parcare is-a varry, varry ahngree. And vhen Tonay Parcare gess ahngree, Tonay Parcare gess sad. Varry sads.
How did-a Tonay Parcare a-loos that-a game? Vhat a deesapointments.
If you no sex-a Tonay's wife, maybe Crease Paul vill...
I entered the FreeDarko Muxtape Madness with this Spurs tape. Each song represents one of San Antonio's rotation players. Check out the songs and decipher which song is which player. Leave your answers in the comments. This was sent to me early this morning, allegedly found at the Spurs practice facility:
Jannero Pargo enters the game, what follows is his internal monologue:
One miss, ain't no thang. Just keep gettin' them shots. You can hit 'em. You're the best shooter on the court. Probably in the league.
Hmmm...I don't know what's going on right now. Better keep shooting. Get that swagger back.
YEAAAAAH!!! Just the first of many. Now I'm getting going, yo. Jannero Pargo in the house.
Just a matter of time, Spurs. You know and I know that these shots are gonna drop. They're for sure gonna keep goin' up. Know that.
MORE SHATS, JANNERO! Next one's going in, and you know this, maaaaan.
Yeah, whatever. Next game these are in. Consider yourself warned. 
Duh-white, do not have worry. Hedo will make basketball dunk shot for to win game. Only 2 points is dunk shot, so Hedo make two dunk shot. 4 point!
See Duh-White! Hedo making dunk shot! YAY HEDO!
Ummm....Taycron Prints mess it all up and down. Hedo can make no dunk shot? Not goods.
Oh, Duh-White, Hedo sorry for no make dunk shot. Next time, you make dunk shot?
Tony Parker: Ey-uh, Crease, I vreally like-a yore floata. Ees bootyfull. Ees berry BERRY sexies.
Surely this will put me in the minority but I don’t think it’s important to watch LeBron James play basketball. His singular highs reach higher than any other, no doubt. Furthermore, he is capable of producing more moments than any player in the League. No one else is even close.
But the realm that LeBron fails in is the genesis of Events. It feels, to me, like you can understand everything you need to about LeBron through a highlights package. His glory is easily contained. You see, in any given game LeBron will do something special. Something so outstanding that you have to see it and, undoubtedly, you will. But in that same game, you’ll also get a lot of frustration. LeBron settling for jumpers, LeBron taking contested shots, LeBron complaining to referees. And even though this is largely due to the (terrible) system that he plays in, it still is a reality.
If LeBron does something big, if he throws down a 360 in traffic for instance, you will know about it. You’ll see it on SportsCenter, on Youtube. You will know that this happened and you will appreciate its majesty. If he has a terrible shooting night, you can bet that his highlights will be a subset of his missed shots. As I stated before, you will know what happened in LeBron’s game from this reel. Guys like Kobe and Nash though, they create Events.
When Nash was having his 20 assist games late last season, it was a joy to watch the whole game and see him find the angles and hit the cutters. Kobe’s 81 was otherworldly, as was his 50 point streak. Game 5 excepted, LeBron isn’t so much of an Event-maker as a moment-maker.
Now this isn’t to say that I don’t love watching LeBron play; I just think that the essence of his triumphs is more easily distilled than that of other superstars. And yes, I admit that my distaste for the Cavaliers likely plays a large part in my not needing to see LeBron to understand LeBron. (I can’t stand that team for a lot of reasons, which definitely makes me not feel bad about not watching them.) And maybe it’s that LeBron just doesn’t seem human and I don’t like seeing him doing mundane things that makes me choose other avenues. But, for me, LeBron is a magazine and others can be books.
And I love magazines.
