Showing posts with label the Hawks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the Hawks. Show all posts

January 11, 2010

Things Mike Bibby Probably Does

As we all know, Mike Bibby is probably the worst. But how much the worst? Along with blog bro Devine, here are some things that are most likely true about Mike Bibby.

Mike Bibby seems like he would...

  • think it's funny to not flush the toilet.
  • DVR "Mind of Mencia."
  • talk about getting a motorcycle a lot.
  • always be saying, "did you see that three I hit last night?" when he knows you were watching the game because he gave you tickets.
  • have a cousin named Doug. (CONFIRMED)
  • see Tyler Perry movies to seem sensitive, then totally bag on them with his boys.
  • get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
  • make his entourage get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
  • insist on having an entourage. (CONFIRMED)
  • think LL Cool J should make more records.
  • know all the words to "Put It In My Mouth."
  • blow a .07 then tell everyone how the secrets to beating the system.
  • try to grow a full beard, but when the cheeks didn't fill out, tell everyone beards were wack.
  • buy the Kid Cudi record.
  • always get himself a bowl of cereal and not even offer you a bowl when he knows you love Lucky Charms.
  • put his feel up on your couch without asking if it's cool.
  • call your dog fat.
  • tell Ellen Hickle that you can't dance, right before you asked her to dance.
  • say that 8 Mile should have won an Oscar.
  • call Jay Leno and Tim Allen his favorite comedians.
  • wear cubic zirconias and try to pass them off as real.
  • buy a $10 supermarket gift card as his Secret Santa present.
  • front about everything.
Add yours in the comments.

October 20, 2009

Joe Smith Template

Hey dudes. I was reading the Internet last night, and I made it about halfway through when I came upon something pretty wacky. As you probably know, Joe Smith has played for a ton of basketball teams. This year, he's going to be a Hawk, which is his tenth team. That makes his team percentage (TP) exactly 33.3 percent (repeating). Since he's played for some teams more than once, his TTP (true team percentage) is somewhere closer to 40 percent. It's a complicated formula, so you'll have to trust me that it's true.

But that wasn't the wacky thing. The wacky thing that I previously mentioned is what I found in a restricted area of the NBA.com website.

Apparently, the NBA is doing a service to the 20 teams that Joe Smith hasn't yet played for by creating a template for their press packages. From what I've gathered, a team will just use this generic shot of Joe Smith whenever they acquire him. Furthermore, I've ascertained that this photo was definitely not created in MS Paint. That would just be insulting.

Because he's so well-traveled, David Stern has ordered that each team has a SMITH 32 jersey on hand so that he doesn't have to wait once he's traded for cap relief. I guess Stern feels that every team should have their chance to own a backup power forward with a decent 15 footer who can grow a bunch of different kinds of facial hair. It's some sort of grandfather clause, like when Craig McTavish didn't have to wear a helmet in the NHL.

July 2, 2009

Big News at Jamal Crawford's Press Conference

I'm not too worried about Joe. Believe me, I'll get my shots. Okay, next question...how about from the back left.

How do you feel about the NBA changing sponsors?

I hadn't heard that yet. What do you mean?

McDonald's is no longer the NBA's fast food sponsor. Now it's Taco Bell.

For real?

Yes.

April 18, 2008

The Weakest Link: Atlanta Hawks

Someone, possibly Vito Corleone once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Atlanta Hawks and Mario West…

Here's a list of guys with the last name West that I can think of off the top of my head (no Googling):
Adam West - Batman
Kanye West - rapper
Jerry West - logo
David West - basketball player
Doug West - basketball player
Mark West - basketball player
the direction West - a cardinal direction

Sorry, Mario. I don't know you. And after this year's playoffs, I don't think that's going to change.


Fun Facts:
Won the 2007 collegiate dunk contest...was drafted by the Harlem Globetrotters...left leg is a full 2 inches longer than right leg...is an accomplished tap dancer who has performed in Off-Broadway productions...favorite television show is "2 and a Half Men"

Proof That Mario West is a Basketball Player in the NBA:

November 28, 2007

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - Bulls vs. Hawks


-Last night's game was the first that I've watched since completely buying in to the concepts of Liberated Fandom and it made the game infinitely more enjoyable to watch. Yes, I'm still a Bulls fan at heart but watching the game totally divested of interest in the result made it easy to appreciate everything that was happening. No longer was I worrying about Kirk Hinrich's atrocious play or Skiles' insistence of handing the offense to Nocioni. Instead, I could enjoy Ty Thomas' dunks, Joakim Noah doing Joakim Noah things, and Ben Wallace showing flashes of his old self. It was even to the point that I liked Chris Duhon last night, a first in the seven years that he's been on my radar. Being unencumbered by the team's status, I was able to like the things that I like about this team and it feels fantastic. I'll always be a Bulls fan, but Liberated Fandom allows me to actually enjoy it.


-Al Horford looked intimidated by Ben Wallace. Rather than initiating contact like he usually does (and did when Aaron Gray entered the game), Al was drifting away from Wallace on his post shots. It didn't seem as if he was refusing to play a physical and he did grad 14 boards. It was just unusual to see him fading on his shots.


-31 rebounds between Thomas (12), Wallace (12), and Noah (7). I've liked Joe Smith this year, but this should be their big man rotation. Not only does it allow Noah and Thomas to develop, but the three of them complement each other pretty well. They aren't options on offense, but their offensive rebounding (11 combined, which lead to 20 second-chance points) is still a contribution on that end.


-Marvin Williams' head confuses me. When he played at UNC, I thought his head was too big for his body. Now only two years later, it looks tiny compared to the rest of him.

-Until Ben Wallace learns to roll the right way on a high pick, he can't complain about not being a part of the offense. He spun the wrong direction EVERY time he set the high screen. Only when Zaza "Enormous Head" Pachulia bailed him out was his path to the basket effective. When you have to count on Zaza Pachulia to make you an offensive threat, that's not a good look.


-With 11:00 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter, Hinrich committed his fourth foul and Skiles replaced him with Duhon. He did not make another substitution until Nocioni entered at the start of the 4th period. During this time the Bulls outscored the Hawks 32-19. With three of their four highest paid players on the bench and their coach doing very little coaching (one timeout called). Worth noting.


-Who was the Afro-ed fellow at the end of the Bulls bench in street clothes? Thomas Gardner, I assume.


-It's easy to see why the Bulls drafted Noah. In 17 minutes he had 5 points, 7 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, and a block. He does all the things that Skiles wants plus he could eventually become a secondary playmaker for a team that needs as many as they can get. I very much like Joakim Noah and his bonky hair.


-Right now, there is no difference between Tyrus Thomas and Jason Maxiell. They both have no offensive repertoire outside of ferocious dunks, are decent rebounders, and play high-energy games. The discrepancy is that the Pistons are pleased with any contribution that they get from Maxiell while the Bulls are counting on Thomas to be a key component of their team. That sort of thing is the difference between the Pistons and the Bulls. People don't realize (or didn't going in to the season) how much of a chasm there is between those two teams.


-I have a friend that looks almost exactly like Aaron Gray.


-There was a Salim Stoudamire sighting! 6 shots in 10 minutes. Dude's a gunner, but he was hitting. Why he doesn't he get more tick, you might ask? Probably because he had 1 assist and the announcers were literally surprised when he passed the ball.

July 13, 2007

Acie Law ZE FOURF

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.





Acie Law IV
Strengths: balls of steel, solid jumper, good basketball IQ
Weaknesses: slow-ish, not really a point guard, if Acie Law's 1-3 can't make it, who says the fourth can?


NBA Comparison (best-case): Chauncey Billups
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Mo Williams
NBA Comparison (most likely): Sam Cassell