My Entire Birthday Wish List

I was recently asked what I want for my birthday this year. Christmas has just passed, so I really have no idea what else I could possibly ask for. I've wanted the Penny 2s since I was in eighth grade, and as I type they're on my feet.

I have all the seasons of The Office (UK and US) and Arrested Development. I even got a grill this year. Sure, it'd be nice to have every season of The Wire, but I've got to rewatch seasons 1 and 2 before I'm even worried about those. I've got a wife, a house, and a cat named Boots. A man couldn't ask for more.

Or so I thought.

Recently Mr. Larry Hughes decided he wouldn't mind being traded from the Bulls. You know who else wouldn't mind? The Bulls. And you know who else? Everyone. I'm sure you've heard of them. They make up every person on the planet.

Now, I'm not one to disparage Larry for the work he's done for his family, which is commendable. He's even been a fairly good teammate this year, especially while he was injured. And of course there's his contributions to the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums. All of these are great, great things that make Larry Hughes harder to hate.

I'm not a superstitious man, but this year's trade deadline is on my birthday and it seems a little too perfect that my all-time least favorite player of all time could be traded then. So this is what I want for my birthday; for John Paxson to wait just a little bit. Trade Larry Hughes on my birthday. That's not too much to ask, right?

And Now a Message From the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums

Hi, I'm Larry Hughes. You might know me as a professional basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, or for my time spent with the Wizards, Warriors, and 76ers, or possibly from that one Nelly video. What you might not know is that I've recently started the Foundation for Men with Small Craniums (FMSC). You see, ever since I was noticed at Saint Louis University, I've had to deal with taunts from opposing fans because my head looks way too small for my body. The FMSC seeks to raise awareness for people suffering from this all too common affliction. Let's hear some testimonies from fellow NBA players.

Marvin Williams

It's the strangest thing. Back when I was at the University of North Carolina, my head looked enormous. However, now that I've had a couple years of NBA strength training, people think I've got a tiny head. Believe me, it hasn't changed and there's nothing I can do about it. The Foundation for Men with Small Craniums has taught me that just because my head might look tiny, doesn't mean I'm small as a person.

Tim Thomas

I've heard it all. Pinhead. Peanut. Guy from Men In Black. They hurt. Do you know how hard it is to find a size 6 3/4 fitted to match my AF1s? Believe me, I wish my head was normal sized. I really do, but the reality is that it's not. Inside this miniscule head of mine, there's a full-sized brain with full-sized feelings. I'm glad to be a part of what the FMSC is trying to do, teaching communities that us with small heads can still be big winners.

Thanks, Marvin and Tim. You see, those of us cursed with such small heads really do hear your jeers. However, through our work, the FMSC hopes to spread the word about this unfortunate situation, so that people can understand that our small heads don't define us. They serve as a badge of honor, that we can overcome anything, if we can overcome this stigma.

The Foundation for Men with Small Craniums. Little heads, big hearts.