It's highly likely that Greg Oden is 195 years old

Somehow I got my hands on Greg Oden’s morning schedule.

4:30 am – awake without alarm
4:32 am – knees, ankles, hips crack 48 times while slowly rising from bed
4:34 am – puts on sanitary hose
4:35 am – puts on wool socks
4:36 am – puts on plaid slippers
4:39 am – arrive in kitchen after hobbling from bedroom
4:42 am – enjoy a terrific bowl of bran flakes with a 8 oz. glass of prune juice
4:47 am – chug an Ensure
4:50 am – out to peach basket hoop for 2 hours of underhanded free-throw practice
7:00 am – shower, wash hair with Selsum Blue
7:15 am – apply Old Spice liberally to neck
7:20 am – get dressed in short-sleeved button down plaid shirt and brown pants
7:24 am – floss
7:28 am – go outside for morning walk
7:29 am – realize it’s “nippy,” go inside and put on a heavy wool cardigan
7:32 am – go outside for morning walk
7:33 am – realize it’s bright out, go inside and put on oversized grey sunglasses
7:35 am – go outside for morning walk
7:45 am – after 2 times around the block, realize that feet hurt and go inside
7:48 am – drink glass of warm milk and fall asleep watching “Cold Pizza”
8:48 am – nearly have a heart attack while being awakened by Skip Bayless’ shouting
8:50 am – squeeze out 3 drops of urine thanks to enlarged prostate
8:59 am – grab box of Cheez-Its to sit down and watch “The Price Is Right”
9:07 am – sprain hip flexor screaming “ONE DOLLAR!!!!”
9:10 am – become insanely jealous over trailer home won by young 62 year old Martha
9:11 am – doze off dreaming of traveling the world in a trailer home with Martha
9:42 am – violently awaken, check heart to see if it’s still beating
10:00 am – agree with Bob Barker about the necessity of spaying and neutering your pets
10:04 am – be grizzled
10:29 am – begin preparing early bird lunch of liver and onions, a single slice of melba toast, a bowl of dark chocolate chips, and coffee
10:31 am – eat while reading the obituaries
10:35 am – get heartburn from chocolate, remember doctor prescribed an all bland diet
10:49 am – nap