the Blowtorch

The Blowtorch's Big Book of Basketball Facts

2010-11-24T09:00:00.000-06:00

The book is done and it is a free download. Please download and enjoy some laughs at this book full of nonsensical jokes. Way full. Chock full, even.

Donate if you want, but I really just want this to be read. It's been on my computer for a year, and that's just silly because jokey-jokes have no timestamp.

So please, enjoy it. Read me at The Basketball Jones and follow me on Twitter and let me know if you like it.

This has been The Blowtorch.

Brad and Trey Finally Meet

2010-02-25T14:34:00.001-06:00

The Blowtorch Xtranormal meme hi-jack volume 1.

Kiki and Nate Get That Corn, Son

2010-02-24T13:27:00.000-06:00

Deron Williams Has Some Important Information

2010-02-23T14:00:00.003-06:00

We know, Deron. But thanks.

Happy Birthday to Myself

2010-02-19T10:36:00.002-06:00

I turned 45 today. It's a pretty big milestone, so I decided I'd do something nice for myself.

Just leave it, Wikipedia. Be chill.

Television Producers Pitch - My Crew

2010-02-18T11:12:00.004-06:00

Okay, so here's the story. The show is called My Crew. We've got four guys from different walks of life, but they're all in the NBA. We'll use Erik Spoelstra, the Miami Heat coach. Brian Scalabrine, from the Celtics. Yao Ming from the Rockets, and Yi Jianlian from the Nets. It's set in the offseason and these guys are all like best friends and it's all about them making their way in the NBA. It'll be like Friends plus Entourage, so like the best show ever.

Here's the best part. We already cast the show. BJ Novak is in to play Spoelstra. The guy from LOST, he's going to be Yao. And we got Lloyd from Entourage to be Yi. That's great right? He'll definitely help us capture the right vibe for the show. But get this — Scalabrine is going to play himself!

Just let me know how many episodes you want.

RetroTorch: Brian Winters Joins the Bucks

2010-02-16T16:51:00.003-06:00

What's goin' on, sissies?

Name's Brian. Brian Winters. Yeah, you know me.

I'm here because you idiots traded Jabbar. Good one, ya jugheads.

You think I want to be in Wisconsin? This time last year I'm catching perch off the Santa Monica Pier, and now I've gotta choose which of 18 different cheeses I want on my grilled cheese.

Oh, you like my stache? Sure you do. I grew it as a joke cause I knew you jerks are in to that sort of thing.

Let's play some basketball. Give it to the big man and work inside out. Some good basketball. That's what you guys do here, right? No? Oh yeah, you traded your big man. Good one.

I can't believe you bunch of stupids won a title. How's Brian Winters supposed to make things work here? Want me to grow a beard and get a pair of goggles? Too bad. I hate skiing.

If you need me, I'll be parting my hair.

Dirk Nowitzki is a Fan of Shakira

2010-02-15T14:13:00.000-06:00

Two Old-Timey Bulls Talk Oil Prospecting

2010-02-12T13:40:00.003-06:00

Say, Bradford. Might I interest you in some tips on how one might acquire that oil, son?

Indeed, Josiahkim. That would interest me a great deal, for I often seek to acquire that oil, son.

'Tis a simple process, my dear friend Bradford.

Do tell.

The first step is finding a location that may provide you the opportunity for oil acquistion, son.

Naturally, yes. This, likely, would be my backyard where I often spend time shootin' at some food.

Yes, yes, of course. Once you have found this oil acquisition location, simply throw an ice pick at that oil, son.

An ice pick?

Yes, an ice pick, Bradford.

Interesting, Josiahkim. But where shall I store my oil, son?

Oh, Bradford! Dost ye know nothing about acquiring that oil, son?

I must admit, Josiahkim, I have never acquired that oil, son.

Fair enough. After ice picking said oil, simply collect that oil which is now spurting in to a burlap sack.

A burlap sack?

Yes, Bradford. Your finest burlap sack.

Oh, the choices! My collection is so great. 'Tis that it?

No, sir. After that, Bradford, we dance.

Most amazing tutorial, Josiahkim.

Think nothing of it, my good man! Now go on and acquire that oil, son!

Great News

2010-02-11T14:26:00.002-06:00

Brandon Jennings has adopted Armon Gilliam's haircut from a 1991 basketball card.
Someone gave Daniel Artest a job.
If you Google "armon gilliam flattop," this site is the number one result. I finally made it, Mom.

Dirk Nowitzki Has Had Enough of Mark Cuban

2010-02-09T09:28:00.003-06:00

Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?

I didn't forget you, Dirk. I was saving you for last to really make my point.

Dirk Nowitzki: Was auch immer.

Omri Casspi Shaved His Face

2010-02-08T17:36:00.003-06:00

Can we make sure we keep Omri Casspi's razors hidden from him? I thought we had an agreement that we'd do that with all European NBAers anyways. It's in the collective bargaining agreement.

OmBro looks WAY too much like Crispin Glover to be running around all smooth-faced. Next thing you know, Spencer Hawes is going to be collecting even more skulls than usual. And no one is going to sign Andres Nocioni because he gives a weird interview on Letterman.

Get it? Because these are things that Crispin Glover really does and Omri Casspi looks like Crispin Glover. Get your beard back, bro. Crispin Glover is cool and all, but not that cool. And hey, Crispin Glover, you were in Charlie's Angels, you're not that creepy. Relax, Crisp.

But back to Omri Casspi. If he decides to look more like Dean Cain that is acceptable. But good luck with your mediocre career after leaving the place that gave you your start.

DEAN CAIN ZING 2010

A Very Effective Shark Imitation

2010-02-05T12:20:00.002-06:00

Michael Beasley: Hey, check me out. I'm a shark. RRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWR. Buh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buh dut buh dut buh dut buh dut SNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Is that fin real?

Michael Beasley: Yeah, cuz I'm a shark.

Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Man, that's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Oh, sup basketball.

Michael Beasley: SHARKSKETBALL! SNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Kevin Durant's New Arms

2010-02-03T16:33:00.003-06:00

I think the fan movement is pretty cool down in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma home of the Oklahoma City Thunder basketball club. Seems like their fans always want their team to do well, and they're super excited to have a team. It's pretty chill.

However, I DO NOT agree with them replacing their best player's arms with thunder sticks just so 'the people' can better identify with him.

I know you're not used to having a basketball team, but one of the first things they teach you at the town meeting the city holds when it's announced that you will be getting a new basketball team is to never replace your star player's arms with any sort of cheering apparatus. That's like Fandom 101, which is offered at any community college. Take a class, guys.

Deron Williams Goes to the Barber

2010-02-02T15:27:00.003-06:00

Deron Williams goes in to the barber and says, "give me a stoplight."

The barber says, "stoplight? What are you talking about?"

So Deron Williams says, "you know, red, yellow, green."

And the barber says, "I know what a stoplight is, but it's not a haircut."

Then Deron Williams says, "sure it is. Let my beard go, stop my hair from growing on my temples, and be careful with the top — I don't have much to work with up there."

Some Bros Talk Basketball

2010-02-01T09:35:00.002-06:00

Bro, last night was RIDICULOUS.

For real, bro. Crazy.

Kobe, bro.

Bro. Kobe.

I know, bro.

At first I was like, "yoooooooo b, hook it up with the ball." But then I was like, "nice."

Exactly.

Pretty tyte, bro.

For real.

Shannon Brown: What are you guys talking about?

The Shane Battier Replicant

2010-01-29T12:17:00.002-06:00

They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.

Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.

I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense. And when you challenge shooters, you're going for the ball and not putting your hand in their face. Did you think we wouldn't notice, Fake Shane Battier? Come on, son.

Next thing we know you're going to be trying to smooth out your head wrinkles. You're fooling no one Fake Shane. No one. Everybody who knows anything about facial hair knows that the mustache is the least efficient form of facial hair. It doesn't keep your face warm and it doesn't make your head seem longer, so what's the point? The real Shane Battier would never grow a mustache, YOU FAKING FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean Marks Takes a Break

2010-01-28T11:08:00.005-06:00

OH SNAP SON. Marcus you dropped that ball, man. Go get it. I'll just hang out here. Can't believe you're just throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason. Kinda wack, bro.

I'm freaking out? How? Because I'm yelling OH SNAP? Big deal. Maybe if you didn't throw the ball out of bounds for no reason I could just relax and set some back screens. Looooooove setting back screens.

OH SNAP. I'm gonna go set some back screens after you get that ball.

Mike Woodson is the Tipping Point

2010-01-27T17:40:00.007-06:00

Y'all probably already know that Mike "Carl Winslow" Woodson of the Atlanta Hawksers shaved his eyebrows off to convince his team that he was crazy so that they would win in order to not upset their clearly insane coach. BUT did you know that Mr. Mike Woodson started a trend amongst the more style-conscious NBAers?

That is a true fact.

I found the pictures.

Charlie Villanueva was the first to try it, even before Mike Woodson did it. But people were kind of weirded out by Charlie's devotion to this look. He might have taken it too far.

Trying to show solidarity to both Charlie (both have bad contracts) and Mike Woodson (both of their cities can't believe their team still employs them), Jared Jeffries went eyebrowless. It's actually an improvement.

When all these guys started shaving their eyebrows off, Brad Miller took notice. Since he likes co-opting Black style, he adopted the shaved eyebrows look as well.

Then Troy Murphy attended the Symposium for Big White Guys Who Shoot Threes and saw Brad Miller and he was like, "nice, bro." He went home and shaved off his eyebrows because he thought that's what the whole group was doing. Whoops.

Then Troy Murphy came back to Indiana with no brows, and Earl Watson realized that his massive caterpillars needed some trimming so why not just get rid of them totally. Typical Earl Watson, always kinda messing things up just a little.

Since Brad did it, I had to do it. It's for art, guys. I might also look in to chest hair/giant hands removal. If you know anybody that specializes in that very specific area, holler at me.

As you can see, Mike Woodson is the classic "maven" from Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, a book about random capitalization. It was his daring to bring style to the court that made it okay for all of us to shave our eyebrows.

Shave yours off tonight, take a picture, and it will be posted here. Together we can shave lives.

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 7

2010-01-26T12:48:00.003-06:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. Maybe call up your best buddy Lance Armstrong to see how he stays so limber.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Some Things

2010-01-25T08:47:00.003-06:00

As of today I'm blogging the Olympics for Yahoo!'s Fourth Place Medal. I'm basically the Blog Costas of the Internet. That doesn't really mean anything, but it sounds kind of important. Nonetheless, Blog Costas says you should read my writing over there.
Additionally, I'm still writing at Ball Don't Lie, too. Read it. (You already are.)
What does all this mean for The Blowtorch? I don't know. You might not believe this, but these jokes I come up with come pretty quickly, so I'm hoping to continue making these jokes. Outside of during the actual Olympics (Feb 12-28 only on NBC and Yahoo!), things should still be active around here, but maybe a little slower. My fingers are just thinking out loud right now.
I'm on Twitter again. NETWORKING.
Remember that book I was writing? LOLers, me too. It's finished, but rather than settling for publishing it myself, I'm going to at least try to sell it. Why not, right? It's 2010. If that fall through, THEN I will settle for publishing it.
That's enough inside blogsball. Here's a picture of Harry Potter at a Lakers game:

One Picture, Every Decade

2010-01-22T07:53:00.004-06:00

I was checking out this picture of two floppy-haired bros shooting hoops against each other.

And I was looking at it really intense style and then I unlocked the key, which isn't how that metaphor works. But I uncovered the hidden message. I think it's a Da Vinci Code thing, because this picture recalls every era of NBA basketball, except for the 1940 which hardly count.

BREAK-DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

50s - non-muscular, light skinned legs, a hallmark of the early all white NBA.
60s - unkempt 'power to the people' hair and ineffective headbandery recalls the Summer of Love
70s - faux-tro wine and gold Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms
80s - too short shorts
90s - a center part and five o'clock shadow, ladies
00s - pointlessly updated Los Angeles Lakers jerseys
10s - this picture was taken in 2010

So basically this is the perfect picture for our times. Every true NBA fan would have it tattooed on their back, with the annotations so that it makes sense.

The NBA is a melting pot. We put in European and Argentinean chocolates, melt those chocolates together, and then after they have combined to form a nice Euro-Argentine chocolate paste we spread it on wheat toast and maybe put a little honey on top of the chocolate paste and enjoy it. Maybe we have another piece or maybe we get diabetes, we can't see the future.

"Tomorrow never knows." -- Ringo Starr
"For real." -- Trey Kerby

Offense, with Dahntay Jones

2010-01-21T10:22:00.002-06:00

1. JUMPSHOT: Square up to the hoop. Get balanced. Knees shoulder width apart. Jump straight up, and land where you started. Eyes on the rim.

2. DRIVING TO THE RIM: Stay under control. Use an attack move. Prepare for help defenders. Make good decisions.

3. FINISHING AT THE RIM: Strength is the key. Concentration is crucial. Release the ball as close to the rim as possible. Play through the contact. Take the defender up with you.

4. USE YOUR OFF HAND: Strengthen your off arm. Jump off your inside foot. Practice until if feels natural.

5. HAVE FUN - Enjoy the game. Smile.

Darius Songaila Supports Dunking

2010-01-20T05:49:00.003-06:00

Ohhvkaay, Vadon. Make zis doonk shot. I vill give you hand wif making of doonk. Seence you are faht mahn vith faht neck, I vill helpt to leeft you off ze grounds.

Niiiiiiice ahnd easee weeth ze doonk. Joost make a tall jump and make zay doonk.

Oh wows, Vadon. You are un GIRTHY man, Vadon. I cahn barley leeft.

I keed. I keed. Of corpse Daryus cahn leeft. Strenf!

Bot vreally, you shood mah-be loose some of yore weight, Vadon. Note goot fors yours hart.

What Is This Guy Laughing At?

2010-01-19T08:29:00.003-06:00

Hey, I like posting up as much as anyone outside of Paul Wall, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what is so so so so so funny to Eugene Pinkoxfordshirt up there. He's just loving life. BUT WHY?

Maybe because of this:

Just watched the 5ooth Jones episode on his iPodPhone.
Found out about Skype.
Kevin Jonas got married.
Received the R. Kelly Light It Up Tour DVD in the mail and watched the part that Aziz Ansari was talking about.
Realized that exactly half of R. Kelly's songs are about making sex and the other half are inspirational self-help songs, which is a pretty weird breakdown.
Started reading The Blowtorch.
Is just a jolly fat man who likes to laugh.
Bananas.
One of his buddies wore a sweater that looks like the calibration screen on an HD television.
Farted.
Just likes having a good time.
Found out his dad had Twitter.
Rewatched The Happening.
Can't get "Day Man" out of his head.
Actually choking on a delicious churro.

But maybe it's none of those things. If you think you know what it is, throw it in the comments/bag.

Back In the Day

2010-01-15T07:45:00.003-06:00

Despite my parents' warnings my sister insisted on wearing her red shirt to my fourth birthday party. Other than the trampling, it was pretty fun.

Dan Gadzuric is a Friendly Defender

2010-01-14T12:32:00.000-06:00

Come here Jer-rreeee. Give Dan Dan a huggy wuggy wugglesons. Just a quick little hug, Jerry. Not a big dealey. Just a huggy wuggy wugglesons between two friendy wendy friendersons.

Awww, that's nice Jerry. You're letting Danny Boy give you a huggles.

Oh.

Oh no.

JER-RREEEE! You dunked on Dannity Kane! That wasn't very nice, Jerry. Be a good friend, geeeeeeez.

I Got to Sit Between Dikembe Mutumbo and Steve Francis

2010-01-14T09:47:00.003-06:00

What? What are you talking about? I can't even understand the words you're saying. You sound like Andre the Giant or like you live in a garbage can. Seriously, what?

You want to sit by Steve Francis? No. I want to sit by Steve Francis. I paid for this seat specifically because it was next to Steve Francis. I've been dying to ask him about the cuddle party he threw at the 2000 Dunk Contest. I can't help it if I have to sit next to the Princess Bride soundboard.

You played together, what, 30 games? You're no Cuttino Mobley. In fact, if you were Cuttino Mobley I would switch you seats. That would at least make sense. What are you and Steve Francis going to talk about? Bad knees? Thrilling. I'm going to stay here. You stay over there by Rick Sweatervest and mind your own business.

And why don't you relax when someone dunks it? You've seen a dunk literally thousands of times. Chill out.

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 6

2010-01-13T08:06:00.003-06:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. Like you've never seen a dunk before. Liar. You even had one one time. Plus you were in Hoop Dreams. It's not the end of the world. In fact, considering it's DeAndre Jordan, I'd say it's not that much to worry about. Don't tear your hair out about it. Maybe next time, play defense instead of throwing a pity party.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Celebrities Like LeBron James

2010-01-12T10:14:00.003-06:00

It's a scientific fact that sometimes celebrities like basketball. And sometimes even pseudo-celebrities like basketball, most notably Billy Crystal. In fact, both real and kind of celebrities sometimes like basketball so much that they sometimes attend games, even in Oakland. It happened just last night, when the Cleveland Cavaliers visited the Golden State Warriors. In the name of journalism, I checked in with these stars to see what they thought of LeBron James dunking a lot.

Christopher Lee - "No, I'm not Ian McKlellan, who is a dear friend of mine. I am Sir Christopher Lee, perhaps better known as Saruman. Tis it noble of me to mention my roles? I carest not, for I have played Count Dooku AND Doctor Scaramanga. CHARLEMAGNE!"
Mark Wahlberg - "Hey LeBron. That's a nice dunk. You jump pretty high. My brother jumped off a roof once. Say hi to your mother for me."
Lynne Spears - "Sure he's a successful child prodigy now, but just wait."
Andy Garcia (not pictured) - "Can I get some better seats please? Like something out of the upper bowl?

Things Mike Bibby Probably Does

2010-01-11T06:21:00.006-06:00

As we all know, Mike Bibby is probably the worst. But how much the worst? Along with blog bro Devine, here are some things that are most likely true about Mike Bibby.

Mike Bibby seems like he would...

think it's funny to not flush the toilet.
DVR "Mind of Mencia."
talk about getting a motorcycle a lot.
always be saying, "did you see that three I hit last night?" when he knows you were watching the game because he gave you tickets.
have a cousin named Doug. (CONFIRMED)
see Tyler Perry movies to seem sensitive, then totally bag on them with his boys.
get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
make his entourage get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
insist on having an entourage. (CONFIRMED)
think LL Cool J should make more records.
know all the words to "Put It In My Mouth."
blow a .07 then tell everyone how the secrets to beating the system.
try to grow a full beard, but when the cheeks didn't fill out, tell everyone beards were wack.
buy the Kid Cudi record.
always get himself a bowl of cereal and not even offer you a bowl when he knows you love Lucky Charms.
put his feel up on your couch without asking if it's cool.
call your dog fat.
tell Ellen Hickle that you can't dance, right before you asked her to dance.
say that 8 Mile should have won an Oscar.
call Jay Leno and Tim Allen his favorite comedians.
wear cubic zirconias and try to pass them off as real.
buy a $10 supermarket gift card as his Secret Santa present.
front about everything.

Add yours in the comments.

Italians Stick Together

2010-01-08T09:15:00.003-06:00

Italia!

Italia!

ITALY!

Eh?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Italia?

Italia!!

EXCLUSIVE: Crittenton Points a Gun at Arenas

2010-01-07T07:37:00.004-06:00

Whoa. I was just reviewing the tape I acquired through shady underground connections. I don't know how I missed it the first time I watched, but things are getting worse.

Check this out.
And Javale McGee is just smiling it up in the background. This is getting scary, guys. I never took Javaris Crittenton to be a 'point a gun at a teammate' type, but apparently he is that type. There's an old saying that goes, "You just never know with guys named Javaris." That seems applicable here. He's also not great at insults because "I'll shoot you in your surgically repaired knee" is pretty wackintosh.

1000 Words: My New Favorite Picture

2010-01-06T07:22:00.002-06:00

Let me tell you my story about this picture.

I found this picture on Monday night, just looking through pictures because that's something I do on the reg. At first I was like, "chill out, Andre Miller. You're not Juwan Howard." And then I moved on.

But I was compelled by something to go back to this picture, and I'm glad I did. Just take a look at Brandon Roy's face. It's like his face turned half serpent-half stone because he looked at Andre Miller's crazy face.

So I'm looking at this Brandon Roy snakeface and I start giggling. Nothing too loud, but I can't stop. I keep looking at this picture, and I keep giggling. Then the giggles turned in to full-on laughter, which turned in to dying laughter. Like making little shriek noises. My wife was sitting next to me, doing something with work, and I'm just laughing from looking at a picture because whoops that's your husband. This lasted for five minutes. Seriously.

Anyways, I still can't look at this picture without laughing. I can't even come up with jokes about it. I thought maybe a fable or something about getting this tattooed on my back would be good, but everything just pales in comparison to just spending a good five minutes laughing at this picture. But I am going to get that tattoo.

The "Word Up, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 1

2010-01-05T11:53:00.003-06:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's career-defining stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Word up, Juwan Howard. That's a pretty slick jam that you're doing on that guy's face. I'm impressed, unlike everybody in the crowd. They're all like, "neat." Especially Gerard Butler's brother Garrard Butler over there in the first row. He's like, "SPARKLAAAAAAAAAA...oh cool dunk, better go star in a movie with Katherine Heigl's sister Cathy." But still, wicked googly, man. You're really LivingStrong.

Word Up, Juwan Howard

EXCLUSIVE: Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton Gun Fight Pictures

2010-01-05T09:54:00.002-06:00

Through my shady underground connections I got my hands on the footage from the locker room when Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton dropped guns on each other. It wasn't easy to obtain, but the good part is that these stills I captured from that fateful night prove that this wasn't that big of a deal. Here's how the events played out.

First, Arenas pulled out one of his guns.

Not wanting to be punked, Crittenton responded in turn.

After they realized how silly they were being, they got over it and gathered around for a picture to squash the beef. Crittenton even disarmed himself, trading his gun for some throwing stars.

See, it's no big thing. Just a couple of bros with guns in the locker room. They were even smiling the whole time.

Case closed.

The 2010 Blowtorch State of This Website

2010-01-04T07:13:00.003-06:00

There are two times a year that I thoroughly reassess what is going on with my life.

The end of the year.
The end of the NBA season.

During these times, for discussions relevant to this website, I contemplate the future and direction of this website. Mostly, I just try to think about how many times I can say "this website" before anyone catches on. Apparently, three.

Anyways, the year end assessment isn't new, even to this website, but it's helpful. A year, it seems, is a pretty easy demarcation for reflection. 2009 was a good year for The Blowtorch. Traffic increased about 25%, with each month other than August showing an increase from the previous year¹. Additionally, RSS subscriber numbers consistently increased.

This past year also saw the debut of Trey Kerby at Yahoo! Sports, with the Phenomenal Swag column so graciously offered to me by friend of the Blowtorch JE Skeets. That column did well, even occasionally ending up on Yahoo!'s front page². This tells me two things.

The Blowtorch aesthetic is marketable.
The Blowtorch is viable.

-------------

Over the holidays I did a lot of reading, and there were a few lines in things that I read that challenged me. First, from a delightfully insane GQ profile on William Shatner:

GQ: "You know," I say, "Kelsey Grammar once said something interesting about you to our magazine."

Shatner: "Kelsey's a friend of mine! What'd he say!"

GQ: "About your acting technique. He said "It's total self-delusion, and it works!"

Shatner: "Well, what'd he mean by that?"

GQ: "I think he was suggesting that you're some sort of accidental genius, someone so far up his own a-- that he somehow manages to come out the other side with something truly sui generis and brilliant to offer."

And from Chuck Klosterman's Eating the Dinosaur chapter on ABBA:

"They were not attempting to replicate or refute anything else that was happening in pop; they were living in ABBA World, where ABBA Music is the only sound that exists."

Both of these passages say essentially the same thing: that to succeed, you need only to develop what works for you. We see this in Zach Galifianakis becoming hugely famous at age 40, or Jay-Z releasing Reasonable Doubt independently. Time after time, people who believed in what they were doing were right because they kept doing what they were doing, no matter who was paying attention.

-------------

Commit. Embrace. Grow.

That is my mantra for 2010, my action words, if you will. Commit fully to whatever it is being created or experienced -- ain't no half-steppin'. Embrace the triumphs and failures associated with those experiences, and learn from them, either good or bad. Grow, whether learning a new skill or developing an already present skill. There is always some way to get better.

-------------

2010 is a year for getting better. What this means is up to you. For me, it means really trying to do what I want by being who I am. Tiny, small, inconsequential personal wins governed by staying true to that idea prove that life-changing successes are possible. That's what this year means to me.

1. August 2008 was an aberration based on my legendary post "A Guide to Wearing Headbands."
2. Probably my two greatest triumphs of 2k9 were two posts on basketball shoes gracing Yahoo!'s main page.

The Best Part of Dwyane Wade's "Homecoming" Episode

2009-12-31T10:25:00.004-06:00

Did you guys watch the Dwyane Wade episode of "Homecoming with Rick Reilly?" Rick Reilly is super awkward and wears Michael Jordan jeans, so I can't blame you if you missed the show.

ANYWAYS, I watched the show and I'm glad I did, because of hot chicks. Check out this clip that I ripped from the episode using the most advanced audio/video technology available. At about the 16 second mark you're going to see the hottest chick I've ever seen. It lasts like five seconds, so you know the producers think she's hot too.

Am I right? So hot. Like the Nike Air Lavadomes in the summer. That's how hot.

That super fresh hovering purple shoulder to the right of the screen, that's me. I was on the street that night, doing some serious reporting. And that girl? She's my wife.

So basically Dwyane Wade picked my wife to be on his show, which was filmed in Chicago, which means he's going to come play for the Bulls next season to be closer to her. I'm not worried. I've got a basketball championship, too. Plus I'm taller. Plus he has the same name as her dad, so that would be really weird. Totally advantage me.

1000 Words: Typical Front Row Laker Fans

2009-12-30T10:03:00.002-06:00

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 5

2009-12-29T12:08:00.000-06:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a rebound. No one else is even really trying for it. I'm pretty sure you've got it. You don't need to get all Rodman about it with the crazy mouth and leaning sideways action. Just jump up and get it and keep on LivingStrong.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

How to Stand in the NBA: A Primer

2009-12-29T09:14:00.005-06:00

It's probably a scientific fact that some NBA players maybe spend about one-third of a basketball game standing around. Between fouls, twenty-second timeouts, and being Roko Ukic, this seems like a fair estimate that should be considered truth. This doesn't even count time on the bench, where players such as Adam Morrison, Bill Walker, and Roko Ukic have mastered the art of standing. In fact, there have probably been petitions to rename the league the NBaaSA, which would stand (zinger) for National Basketball and also Standing Association. Because of all the standing, this makes sense.

As such, The Blowtorch has put together a quick guide to standing in the NBaaSA. It's pretty simple, really. Here's what the New York Knicks have to say about standing.

David Lee: "Just stand and like put your hands on your hips. Maybe think about a Vampire Weekend song."
Wilson Chandler: "Yeah, what David said. I chew my mouthguard because I'm really weird and have two last names that sometimes people use as first names. I hated Home Improvement."
Al Harrington: "Psssssht. Home Improvement was my jam. Zachary Ty Bryant was hilarious."
David Lee: "Learn how to stand. Both hands on hips."
Wilson Chandler: "Heidy-ho, neighbor."

Thanks guys. David Lee basically nailed it. To successfully stand in the NBA, you just stand like a normal person, but you add in the hands on hips thing because when you're wearing shorts you don't have pockets to put your hands in. If you don't put your hands on your hips, Tony Parker will laugh at you.

"Eh, Keef Bogan, poot ze hands on ze heeps, mon frere. Eet make-a for-a clehn-a seeeloooeeet."

With the proper training, anyone can learn how to stand. The Indiana Pacers have recently launched a community outreach program where they reach out to members of the community to teach them how to stand. Here we see Josh McRoberts teaching an elderly man how to stand. As you can see, he's got a couple of his teammates with him to help demonstrate.

"DUDE JUST PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS. DO YOU LIKE MASTODON? THEY'RE INSANE. YOU CAN BORROW MY MINIDISC PLAYER IF YOU WANT SOMETIME. LET'S GO SEE AVATAR TOGETHER. I LIKE YOUR TIE BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE AVATAR. WEAR IT TO THE THEATER WHEN WE GO SEE AVATAR. THE USHERS WILL LIKE IT AND WE CAN SIT IN THE FRONT ROW AND GET CHURROS."

It's that easy. Now that you know how to stand, try it around the house. To be an NBA caliber stander, you need to practice. The best standers in the league (Roko Ukic, for example) spend up to eight hours a day doing standing training in the offseason. If you want to catch up, double that. Soon enough, you'll be standing with the best. Good luck.

PROTIP: The "aa" in NBaaSA is pronounced "aaahhhh" like drinking a ginger ale. So, the entire abbreviation is pronounced "EN BEE aaahhhh ESS AY."

Various NBA Mindsets During Drives to the Basket

2009-12-28T09:39:00.003-06:00

Drew Gooden

Tony Allen

Erick Dampier

Merry Christmas from Andrew Bogut

2009-12-25T08:46:00.003-06:00

Croikey, izzit Christmas all retty? Me and my mates ain't get too cott up in that materialisticness of Christmas, mate. But still, Merry Christmas. Maybe throw a subscription to Cat Fancy in a stocking for yore best mate, mate. Or Vegemite, mate.

Oi. Merry Christmas.

Kangaroos, mate.

Happy Holidays Everyone

2009-12-18T09:49:00.003-06:00

Sup. I'm going to be on holiday next week for the holidays, so this will have to serve as the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Boxing Day post. Consider it my gift to you.

MP3: Brad Miller - White Christmas (left-click)

I Saw Your Uncle Play Basketball Last Night

2009-12-17T07:31:00.003-06:00

Your uncle is insane, man. I was at the gym last night and he showed up and he was angry. I don't even know what about; for all I know, someone drank all the coffee down at the post office before he had a chance to get a cup. I just know he was mad.

You know how your uncle gets when he's mad, right? He gets that crazy look in his eye like he doesn't want to hurt you, but if he does hurt you, tough break. He had that look all night. Every time he got the ball his face would screw up and he'd basically just try and run in to everybody. It was a little scary.

Oh, thanks for mentioning that he'd lost so much hair. It's been a while since I've seen your uncle, and if you hadn't given me the heads-up, I wouldn't have realized it was him. He's lost A LOT of hair. Like, a significant portion of it. Any idea why he doesn't just cut his hair short? Like Bruce Willis it. Seems like that'd be a better move. I wasn't going to say anything though. I didn't want to get punched.

It's not my place to say anything, but maybe you should take your uncle out to dinner and talk some things through. He looks like he's going through some rough stuff. And maybe bring him a hat or something because he's really missing that hair. You'll know what I mean when you see him. He's definitely missing it.

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 4

2009-12-16T12:24:00.000-06:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. What are you even trying to do here? This is the most non-committal action you could possibly undertake on a basketball court. Are you blocking a shot or getting blocked or rebounding or what? Make up your mind. Jon Brockman is trying to figure it out and he looks even more dumbfounded than usual. Killer LiveStrong, by the way.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Preparing a Dallas Mavericks Steak

2009-12-16T10:46:00.004-06:00

Yield: 1 Dallas Mavericks Steak

Ingredients:

1 horse-shaped steak
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon cumin
14 oz. ginger ale
Coarse kosher salt
Picture of Jamal Mashburn
8 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon finely ground gingersnap cookie dust
3 oz. goose grease

Preparation:

Combine ginger ale, six tablespoons of oil, and goose grease in gallon plastic bag. Add steak. Marinate outside in 100 degree heat, with 89% humidity for 14-16 days. Remove from marinade and place steak on picture of Jamal Mashburn (can substitute Erick Strickland or Martin Muursepp depending on preference) for 24 minutes.

While steak is on picture, heat non-stick skillet and remaining olive oil on high, until smoking. After 24 minutes, remove steak from picture and place on skillet. Place oregano in a small mound on the non-cooked side, and eat half of the gingersnap cookies. After 6-8 minutes, flip steak, keeping the oregano mound intact. Place cumin in a small mound on the side of the steak that is facing up. The mound should be exactly opposite of the oregano mound, making the eyes of the horse. Cook for 6-8 minutes. Eat other half of gingersnap cookies.

Remove from heat and place on massive flatscreen LCD television. Add salt to taste.

Paging Matt Bonner

2009-12-15T06:31:00.006-06:00

Things have been pretty hectic at Blowtorch Consulting the past few months. After I put together the Brandon Jennings proposal, business boomed. And as the business has grown, I've had to sign a lot of non-disclosure agreements. This is the nature of commerce, I suppose.

But we are MAKING THINGS HAPPEN. For instance, last night while shopping for ingredients for a sausage casserole, I found our newest product endorsement.

GINGERBOY COOKIES - "Like gingerbread men, but younger in a not creepy way."

Some people say, "always be closing." I say, "always be brainstorming," which is probably more effective; some doors should remain open. Last night, in a split-second, I stormed my brain for a shortlist of possible Gingerboy endorsers. Here it is with each candidates pros and cons:

Blake Griffin
Pros: Has red hair. Actually marketable. Young, which correlates to the boy part of Gingerboy. Loves nutmeg.
Cons: May not be receptive to endorsing an offbrand cookie as he has other opportunities. Probably would want to change product name to Gingerballs. Hates cloves.

Brian Scalabrine
Pros: Has red hair. Kinda chunky, target market will identify with him.
Cons: No one wants to see Brian Scalabrine while they're eating.

Matt Bonner
Pros: Has red hair. No other marketing opportunities, so he would probably jump at this one. Avid baker.
Cons: Often sports a red beard. Possibly Canadian.

After careful consideration, I've decided to target Matt Bonner and his agent, Kenny Grant. Considering the other players Grant represents, I think he'll be pretty intrigued that someone actually is marketing one of his players. That's the Blowtorch Consulting strategy: make people who aren't marketable feel marketable so that they will pay you to market them.

Let's make this happen.

Prelude to a Basketball

2009-12-14T07:46:00.003-06:00

"Prelude to a Basketball"
- a poetry slam by Baron Davis -

Oh beautiful ball
Orangest of balls
Filled with air
But still it falls

Rounder and roundest
The perfect of spheres
Fear not the basketball
Be of its ears

Channeled and smooth
The ball, it shall bounce
But never again
The ball, I renounce

Reactions to Ryan Anderson's Goatee

2009-12-11T07:41:00.003-06:00

Oh, no. We can't be having that kind of facial hair. Such a nice young man.
CANDY BARS.
I bet I looked that good when I had my goatee.
Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Hmmmm...I'd look superfresh with a goat like that.

Pau Gasol, He Ereses La Cana a Lot

2009-12-10T08:00:00.005-06:00

That's what I'm always saying. I scream it a lot. I'm always like, "Pau eres la cana! Yeah!" People don't really get it, but you two get it. You know what I mean. Because if there's anyone who really eres la cana it's Pau Gasol, am I right?

The funny thing is, I don't really speak that much Spanish. And even less Catalan. But I'm pretty sure that when I say "Pau eres la cana," which is A LOT, I'm speaking the truth. That dude LOVES to eres la cana. Loves it. It's basically his favorite thing besides hook shots and making his hands look like deer hooves.

I don't know though. I guess it would make sense that I check in to what it actually means instead of just telling all my friends that Pau Gasol eres la cana. Well, I guess I've already told all my friends, but it couldn't hurt to check it out before I tell them again. Let's see here.

"Peace eras the sugarcane?" That doesn't even make sense. Is this some sort of code? It doesn't even reference Pau Gasol. This is really embarrassing. All this time, when I was yelling "Pau eres la cana," I thought I was just saying something like "Pau, you're a baller," or, "Pau, you're beard is okay." I definitely didn't think I was propagandizing on behalf of the Sugarcane Peace Coalition.

Thanks for nothing, Spain.

Check Out My New Tattoo

2009-12-09T08:38:00.003-06:00

It took me a while to figure out something that I'd want on body for the rest of my life, and I finally decided on this Bulls tattoo. I wanted to get something subtle and unobtrusive to show my support for my favorite basketball team. Plus I can cover it up for job interviews. Definitely not going to regret this.

Asian/Pacific Islands Basketball is Confusing

2009-12-08T09:16:00.004-06:00

I like watching all kinds of basketball. Or as the Spanish might say baloncesto. I feel like I can relate to basketball at any level. Yes, I much prefer the NBA to anything else, but I'm always down to chill out on a college, high school, or international game.

But I have never watched a FIBA Asia game ever. In fact, I just found out it was called FIBA Asia because of Google and their website, which a) exists and b) has a theme song that autoplays that is hilarious. That is my entire understanding of FIBA Asia basketball. And judging by some recent photographs, that's probably the most I'll ever comprehend, because holy cow what is going on here?

In FIBA Asia basketball, large women guard small men while the kid from Little Miss Sunshine watches from press row.

In FIBA Asia basketball you can only block shots through the rim.

FIBA Asia basketball is very emotional.

In FIBA Asia basketball, some players have the ability to float parallel to the ground. This is a perfectly legal defensive strategy.

Similarly, in FIBA Asia basketball, some players can make the ball levitate. If you levitate the ball, you can advance it as if you were dribbling. It is not considered traveling because it's magical.

FIBA Asia basketball is heavily influenced by the Harlem Globetrotters.

These are the only known facts about FIBA Asia basketball. I learned them from reading the website, so I'd suggest you check it out then come back here so we can have an in-depth discussion about FIBA Asia basketball. Also, magic. We can talk about magic since that's all you want to talk about these days.

Jon Brockman Plays Meaningful Minutes

2009-12-07T06:53:00.006-06:00

5:50 remains in the first quarter of a very important Miami Heat/Sacramento Kings game.

Paul Westphal: Jockman? Bron. Jon? Bron Jock...Jon Brockman! Go play basketball.

Uhhhhhhh.....now? Me? But uhhhhhhhh it's uhhhhhh the first quarter period uhhhhh....

Dokay dokey. Gonna go play I guessssssss. Uhhhhhhh thing I migh grabba webounders duhhh...

WHOA. That man is a fast man with duh dwibbling. Like uhhhhhhhh so fast at dwibsles. Maybe he needs help wif duh webounders. Uhhhhhhhhh someone stop him fwom dwibbwing to duuuhhh hoop.

Zoings. No one stopped dwibbly dwibblesons from dwibbling and now he is dunky dwibblesons. Stupey stupid dwibblesons making dunk shot basketball. No webounders make the sads. Duhhhhh....

Paul Westphal: Jockman, you're out.

AWWWWWWWWW! SO NOT FAIR!

Things That Actually Happened in a Professional Basketball Game in 2009

2009-12-04T09:51:00.004-06:00

Elton from Clueless dunked.

Whoever this guy is shot a jump shot.

The guy from the Dead Presidents movie poster ran on the court for a hug from Undercover Brother.

The most overwrought dunk attempt of all-time was blocked by the most overwrought block attempt of all-time. Relax, guys.

Whatever Aaron Brooks is doing.

PRO TIP: Sometimes you just have to link to something involving Eddie Griffin.

A Couple of Bros Discuss Product

2009-12-03T07:06:00.003-06:00

Che cosa sta succedendo, bro?

Chillin, bro. Sup?

Per vero, bro. Potrebbe sparare alcuni gruppi di tre.

I feel that. Might shoot some back. Depends, yo.

Senza dubbio, bro.

Bro?

Eh, bro?

What kind of product do you use?

Cosa?

You know, hair product, bro. Your hair looks wicked fresh.

Stai comportando in modo strano, bro.

Nah, man. Just want to get the messy spike thing going on. Getting tired of the swoop action.

Ancora, bro. Stiamo cercando di sparare tre, qui e siete tutti così, "fammi sapere i tuoi capelli."

Chill, bro.

Hai freddo, bro.

Psssssssht.

Fuhgeddaboudit.

Not cool, bro.

PROTIP: Hover over Italian phrases for translations, bro.

Professor Threepointerstons Offers Shooting Advice

2009-12-02T09:01:00.004-06:00

Hello children. I am Professor Threepointerstons, but you can call me Professor Threebombs. If you're wondering why I'm wearing this checkered hat and smoking a pipe, it's to attract intelligent women. For I am a professor of three-pointing.

There's nothing more special to Professor Threepointerstons than teaching other non-professors how to three-point. It's simple, really. In fact, I've authored a pamphlet entitled Professor Threepointerstons Guide to Three-Pointing: It's Simple, Really. This seven page pamphlet covers all the ins and outs of three-pointing, but mostly the outs since this is an outside shot which we are discussing. If you're interested in three-pointing, you probably already knew that, but I digress.

Anyhow the key to my three-pointing system is a revolutionary checklist designed to make three-pointing as easy as eggs. The system, dubbed "Professor Threepointerstons Three-Pointing System," is a simple eleven step process that must be executed in its entirety before shooting a three-point field goal. The steps are as follows:

Receive the basketball.
Mentally compliment the basketball on its roundness and smooth leather. This makes the ball want to help you out since you were so nice to it.
Briefly consider each and every basketball shot that you have made since you learned the flex offense (generally grade six).
Assess which of these shots made you the happiest. Choose only one and be specific.
Mentally compliment yourself on how happy that shot made you.
Remember the BEEF process (balance/eyes/elbow/follow-through).
Remember the last time you ate a meal that featured beef, to relax your mind for the three-pointing.
Begin the BEEF process by gaining your balance.
Focus on the rim. Possibly mentally compliment the rim so it does not get jealous of the basketball.
Ensure that your elbow is directly under the basketball that you will be three-pointing.
Shoot the basketball, holding your follow-through, while sending all of your good intentions to both the rim and the basketball that you have three-pointed.

It's that easy. This sequence should take no longer than 13 nanoseconds, and if it does, it is recommended that the shot be reconsidered*. Nonetheless, this simple guide to three-pointing should serve as the basis for your three-point shot. The system is a proven success. After all they don't give out doctorates in three-pointing to just anyone.

*This is covered in my advanced text Professor Threepointerstons Advanced Three-Pointing: Making Three Points Happen to You.

The Chris Kaman Story

2009-12-01T09:36:00.004-06:00

When Chris Kaman was growing up in the mystical land of Grand Rapids, Michigan, his mother told him all of the wonderous things he could do. If he tried hard enough someday he could be an interior designer or an architect. He could become the leader of Michigan's most famous big band, The Michigan Pops. He could even fly to the moon. And maybe, just maybe, he could be the President of these here United States of America. The world was Chris Kaman's metaphorical oyster. And the family's local oyster farm was his literal oyster.

Of course Kaman's no-nonsense father Leroy told him to get to work on his post moves. If he looked anything like what those 'if they mated' photobooths at the county fair said, the President thing was out of question.

Single Black Lee Male

2009-11-30T08:17:00.004-06:00

I'm not too sure what to make of this Courtney Lee character. Last year, with the Magic, she seemed like a nice lady who was down to play some tough defense and maybe make a three-pointer or miss an alley-oop layup on occasion.

But this year, there is something different. For instance, now she plays with the New Jersey Nets. That's not the difference I was talking about, necessarily. Check this out.

I know what you're thinking. No, that isn't Kenyon Martin from 2000 to 2004. It's just a case of one human (Courtney Lee) trying to be another human (Kenyon Martin) who was trying to be another human (Method Man). A real Kirk Lazarus situation.

Feels like an identity crisis starring John Cusack and Ray Liotta. Last season, peeps were like, "check out Courtney Lee, he's pretty legit." And he was sorta legit. He was a down-to-earth tucked-in shirt bro with a lady's name.

Now he is all headbandy and goateed, and I'm kinda thinking maybe he wants to be an enforcer like Kenyon Martin. Or maybe he wants to shoot bad jumpshots like Kenyon Martin. It's possible he wants to reinvent himself as a good defender who thinks he's an elite defender like Kenyon Martin. Maybe he just likes holding backboards like Kenyon Martin.

That's all well and good. Maybe he'll be the number one draft pick some time. I don't know. But I do know that there is one thing that I just can't accept from Courtney Lee, and that is a comically bad tattoo of a rapper's lips on his neck.

Be careful, Courtney Lee.

If My Dog Played Basketball

2009-11-24T08:50:00.006-06:00

Everybody knows that my dog Yams really likes basketball.

As you can see she clearly 'nose for the ball' and she is pretty aggressive when going for it. I think that means that she'd be a really good rebounder, and would probably get a modest contract from the Houston Rockets because of efficiency. Which is cool since she'd be the first female to play in the NBA.

But sometimes, I wish she was a more skilled basketball player. I wish she could do other things besides just rebounding. I mean, yeah, it's worked out pretty well for Reggie Evans, but I want something better for Yams.

It would be excellent if I could teach her tons of ball-handling moves. Maybe I'd call her God Yammgod.

But I've always been a big guy, so I would have to teach her big guy things. Like how to block a lot of shots, but never really be a good defender. I would call her Yamuel Dalembert.

Maybe after that she would have one good year, get a huge contract, and then never fulfill that contract. I would call her Erick Yampier.

Later on we'd work on her 18-footer. It'd really help expand her limited offensive repertoire. Along with the rebounding and shot-blocking, she'd have three valuable skills. I would call her Marcus Yamby.

When her playing career has ended she'll probably have a reputation as a hard-worker who is committed to defense. Hopefully that means she'll be able to coach someday. If so, I'd call her Kurt Yambis.

This is all a dream though. She's only a year old, and even in dog years that's not old enough to enter the Draft. But depending on how you look at it, we have somewhere between 3 and 17 years to get her ready for the NBA. By then the gender/species barrier might have already been broken. But if not, I'm hoping Yams Baldwin Kerby can be the first to do it.

Brandon Jennings' New Shoes

2009-11-23T12:04:00.004-06:00

As you already know, I'm a very powerful advertising executive.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some ads?

And you already know that I'm down with shoes.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some shoes?

But you probably didn't know that I was working closely with Under Armour to create the newest shoe for their biggest (and only) NBA endorser, Brandon Jennings. Brandon wanted to go with something that represented his team, the Milwaukee Bucks. I think we subtly alluded to that with this newest signature shoe, the BJ2.

The BJ2

There's some pretty impressive performance features. The zipper helps to maintain the low profile that Brandon likes, and the Hoof Bottom^TM allows for forefoot flexibility. Of course the coarse deer hair (obtained from real deer carcasses*) let's Brandon's foot breath, while keeping it dry and warm. The extended Deer Ankle Technology^TM gives support to both high and low ankle sprains.

Inspiration

We really looked to nature on this project, and I think it turned out pretty well. In fact, Brandon was wearing the shoes during his 55 point explosion. That's a pretty ringing endorsement. Right now, the shoes aren't available for the public, but they will be released over All Star Weekend. These will be especially great during the cold winter months. Stay tuned for further updates.

*No deer were harmed in the making of the BJ2. All hair was obtained from a roadkill exchange initiative in the Milwaukee area.

Spike Lee Explains Things: A Blowtorch Joint

2009-11-20T11:42:00.004-06:00

Aight, Mike, let's break it down. I'm not legally affiliated with the team, but I go to every Knicks game. Every single Knicks game. 41 a year, Mike. Ahmad here does a show once a week about the NBA, so he doesn't have to be at a lot of games, but he goes anyways. And then you. You run an actual NBA team. Kinda. The Bobcats, man. They're technically an NBA team, but you don't even go to the games. That sound right? That sound right?

And what's with the mock turtlenecks, Mike? Back in the day, GQ was all over you. Oh, Michael Jordan, best dressed and all that. But now you wear mock turtlenecks and mom jeans, man. Was they lying back then, Mike? I mean, Ahmad can't say too much. He got on a scarf and jacket cut from the same material, but you know better Mike. You know? Youknowyouknowyouknow?

I know you ain't want to hear it Money, but it needs to be said. Don't leave me hanging, Mike. I'm just trying to set you straight, man. C'mon Mike. C'monc'monc'mon. Awww...Mike. C'mon!

Upon Kris Humphries Assuming Wolf Form

2009-11-19T09:08:00.002-06:00

Kinda worried, guys.

I was reading the Internet and I came across this poster of Kris Humphries starring in the documentary New Moon.

Clearly this means that Kris Humphries is a werewolf. Clearly, werewolves are dangerous. They are known to eat humans, livestock, and sometimes Cobb salads. Clearly werewolves will eat whatever, so we need to be prepared for when Kris Humphries transforms from human to werewolf. Clearly.

Now, I have it under good authority that the Dallas Mavericks have undertaken strict precautions for employing a werewolf. Mark Cuban has developed a sophisticated 'moon catcher' that blocks moon rays from reaching Humphries' skin, preventing transformation. However, not all teams have adopted this technology, so I have put together a short guide for protecting yourself from WereKris. Here are the DOs and DO NOTs of werewolf safety:

DO NOT attend Dallas Maverick games when a full moon is expected.
DO always carry several steaks with you whenever the Mavericks are scheduled near your city. If WereKris attacks, throw a steak as far as you can, then run in the other direction.
DO NOT forget to throw all of the steaks in different directions, otherwise WereKris will still smell the steaks you left in your pockets, and eat those steaks and probably your legs..
DO wear cargo pants for maximum steak-holding efficacy.
DO NOT listen to "She Wolf" by Shakira within a 50 mile radius of WereKris. That's just asking for trouble.
DO fashion a shirt of mistletoe if it is confirmed that Humphries has transformed. Not only does the plant sometimes ward off werewolves, it also might get you a kiss when he becomes human again.
DO NOT try to kiss Kris Humphries if he is in werewolf form.
DO arm yourself with a revolver loaded with pure silver bullets. This is just good advice in general. You never know when things might get shoot-y.
DO NOT investigate the Shrieking Shack or what is under the Whomping Willow.
DO ask Professor Snape for a flask of Wolfsbane potion. Just in case.

From all the reading I've done on werewolves (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Wikipedia) it seems like we can co-exist with werewolves as long as we are careful. Constant vigilance is needed to stay alive. It's like I always say, "stay alive to stay alive."

"Stay alive to stay alive."
-- Trey Kerby, 1984-2012

The Annotated Brad Miller Drive

2009-11-18T11:12:00.005-06:00

Last night I was watching some NBA basketball on television. I was enjoying the Chicago Bulls versus Sacramento Kings basketball game when Brad Miller decided to drive to the basket. This caused me to have some laughs.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a true copy of the game because of 'blackouts' and 'legal restrictions', so this video will have to do. Nothing says aesthetic quality quite like a videotaped screen with annotations. But for seriously, make some laughs with me as Brad Miller fakes out Spencer Hawes, plays to the camera, and causes the announcers to say some of the most obviously crazy things ever uttered on a broadcast.

Stephen Jackson Joins the Bobcats

2009-11-17T09:54:00.003-06:00

Wait.

I'm for real a Bobcat?

Like really? Like I play for the Bobcats now? That's for real?

Dag, yo.

And this my uniform? With like, the stripes but then sometimes no stripes? And this trim stuff that's like 18 different colors? For serious?

Dag, yo.

This is MESSED up. I was like "yo trade me Nellie," but I didn't mean to the Bobcats. Not cool, man. I was like hoping to get on a good team or something. But the Bobcats?

Dag, yo.

Yo, who plays guard around this piece? Who Murray? Flip? That his real name? Grown man call himself Flip. That ain't right. Forget it mang, I'ma play for y'all. I can do that, for...for you. But I'ma shoot. "Flip" Murray think he the only guard with a goatee and headband that gonna shoot, he's outta his mind.

THERE'S A DUDE NAMED BORIS ON THIS TEAM?? This ain't no Rocky and Bullwinkle type joke right? For real. His name is Boris?

Dag, yo.

At least he big though. Must be able to dunk something fierce.

He can't dunk?? For real? Man 6 foot 8 and can't dunk. You serious?

Dag, yo.

I guess y'all need scoring, right? Stephen Jackson can score for you. Stephen Jackson going to score for you. Like for real. Like lots of scoring for you. I'ma get my shots. Don't you worry. I'll do it for you, Bobcats.

Dag, yo.

The Bobcats...for real.

Joakim Noah Serves Turkey

2009-11-16T10:04:00.002-06:00

Yeah yeah yeah yeah Joakim got turkey all up in this. We talkin turkey lurkey hidin in the bushes Aerobeds aint got enough cushions. Uh. Bad Boy baby. Who want this turkey?

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh boy. Get that turkey, son. When it come November, turkey be oil be rebounds, son. Get that turkey, son. Gimme some.

Close enough, dog. Next time, pound that. Like, BOOM style. Pound that action. We'll work on it. But now, homie? Let's dance.

TURKEY, SON.

Things More Exciting Than a Channing Frye Dunk

2009-11-13T09:19:00.002-06:00

Nachos
Going to the bathroom
Falling asleep sitting up

The Brad Miller Show - Episode 1

2009-11-12T06:35:00.000-06:00

Brad Miller and sidekick Brian Scalabrine discuss guns, nicknames, and sprinting.

Flip Saunders Coaches DeShawn Stevenson

2009-11-11T10:05:00.003-06:00

Hey DeShawn. Just wanted to let you know that you have several tattoos on your neck. One of them is Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, and there's a couple on your face too. Tattoos. On your face. Just reminding you.

One more thing, you were a -25 tonight. Yeah, the Heat scored 25 more points than us when you were on the court. Not great. The whole "defensive stopper" thing wasn't really happening, I guess. Next time.

But mostly, I just wanted to remind you about the tattoos that are on your neck and face, because those are still there.

Thanks, DeShawn.

You Did It, Chris!

2009-11-10T08:40:00.003-06:00

Chris! CHRIS!

CHRIS!

Way to go buddy! You just won NBA Player of the Week for the Western Conference! I'm so proud of you! I cannot stop screaming!

Yeah, Chris!!!!!! Congratulations on literally the biggest honor you have ever received in your career, and probably the biggest honor a Clipper will receive this season! Woooooooooo!

Check out my sign, Chris. If you couldn't tell, I made it myself. I didn't want to go the cliche "professional-looking sign" way so I tore a piece of ceiling down from my office at work and found whatever Sharpies we had in the supply cabinet. Looks great, right?!?!

You did it, Chris!! You did it so much!

LOOK AT MY AWESOME SIGN!!!

CHRIS!!! KAMAN!!!

Here's How Bad the Hornets Are

2009-11-09T10:30:00.004-06:00

Whoops, Adam Morrison got his first picture of the year taken against your team. It was a wide open jumper. It went in.

Considering a Throat Tattoo

2009-11-06T11:18:00.006-06:00

You guys know I like to stay up on trends. That's why I'm so big in to skateboarding lately. I just really like skitching. It's pretty relaxing. But anyways, one of the big trends so far this year in the NBA is throat tattoos. First DeShawn Stevenson got one so that people would remember who DeShawn Stevenson is:

Then JR Smith got one so people would forget who DeShawn Stevenson is:

All in all, seems like a pretty chill place to get a tattoo. Plus it's a really great look. It gives you a chance to brand yourself (metaphorically and physically) in a place that people don't expect. Basically, it's going viral on your own body. Pretty smart.

But I can't decide what I want to get across the front of my neck. I've got some ideas though.

Might get my favorite player tattooed on my throat.

Might go the Stevenson route and get my favorite president, Millard Fillmore, tattooed on my throat.
Might go the JR Smith route and get someone else's nickname tattooed on my throat.

Might one up them and get my own face tattooed on my throat.

Like I said, it's a pretty tough decision. It's going to affect me for the rest of my life, or until lasers become a lot more affordable through the "Laser in Every Home" program. But that's hardly the point. I want my throat tattoo and I want it now.

So help me, Internet. What should I get tattooed on my throat?

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 3

2009-11-05T09:49:00.004-06:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You don't have to be in every picture during the minuscule time you're on the court. We get it, you're in the NBA. The constant reminders and "did you see me cutting down the lane" is a little ostentatious. Andre Miller is doing what he can to get you the easiest shot he can and all you can do is hang out by the freethrow line, hoping for a kickout. Pretty wack, bro.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The Brad Miller Offensive Playbook

2009-11-04T10:35:00.009-06:00

PLAY 1 - THE THREE1. Receive pass
2. Shoot three-pointer
3. Celebrate
-------------

PLAY 2 - THE EVERY OTHER TIME

1. Receive pass

2. Pump fake

3. Slow drive to the basket

4. Encounter several defenders

5. Awkward layup

6a. Have sadness

6b. Celebrate

Something Happened During Last Night's Clippers/Timberwolves Game....

2009-11-03T10:11:00.004-06:00

Oh my gosh, you guys. What happened?

Ohhh....

We Are Clippers

2009-11-02T07:33:00.002-06:00

"We Are Clippers"
- a poetry slam by Baron Davis and Eric Gordon -
We Are Clippers
Not by choice
But by calling
(Except Baron -
he chose)

We Are Clippers
Through thick
and through thin
Through loss
and through win
But when?
When will we win?
We Are Clippers
We win when?

We Are Clippers
We grow beards
The beards, they are weird
That's what I've hear-ed
But the word
It is 'heard'
We Are Clippers
We need clippers

We Are Clippers
We Are Clippers
Clippers, we are

Joakim Noah Teaches Defense and Rebounding

2009-10-30T10:15:00.002-05:00

Yo son, you ready to learn some for real defense and rebounding from me, Joa-Noah? That's what I call me, son. For real, son. Word is bond, son.

First thangs first, dog. Yo, establish that position, son. Like get all up in they guts. You need to be sticky like tape.Get all up close on 'em so you can smell they dinner. Mikey Milly had some Cocoa Dinobites at about 11:30 am. Then he washed it down with some OJ. Breakfast for lunch or whateva.

So you get up in they face. Let 'em know you there. Then, dog, when they shoot, you ain't just let him shoot it like it ain't no thang. CHALLENGE that shot, son.

Get yo hand up. Jump at 'em. Just do what you got to do. Challenge it, son. You ain't want Tim Duncan just shootin' them bankshots like he ain't got to worry about you.

But yo, defense ain't end when the shot go up, dog. Get that oil, son. Get that oil.
I was gettin' metaphorical on that one, yo. Like when I say "get that oil," I'm really thinkin' "get that rebound." Like the rebound be the oil in that situation. So you gettin' that rebound.

Once you get that rebound? It's on, dog. Do yo thang. It's yo ball now. Go nuts, son. For real.
And yo, you get enough rebounds. You know what that means, right?

WE DANCIN' SON!

Various NBA Mafia Impersonations

2009-10-29T09:25:00.005-05:00

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy....??

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Hey.

Little Baby Blowtorch

2009-10-28T09:32:00.006-05:00

I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.

Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan Kerby. I don't know why not, either. But since it was the start of the NBA season last night, she agreed to let me name it after whoever I want. I've got some ideas.

Might go with the 'best player in the game' strategy.

LeBron Treymes Kerby

Might try to make him more exotic.

Pau Kerby

Might go old-school.

Bill Kerby

Might go new-school.

Blake Kerby

Might go for the best look.

Dirk Nowitzkerby

This is basically the most important decision of my life, so I need your help.

What do you think?

The Blowtorch's Free Association Every Team Preview

2009-10-27T08:58:00.004-05:00

My brother, my dad, and I got together to discuss the upcoming season last night. Here's what we came up with. No thinking, just emotions.

Start 9:00

Boston Celtics
Really want this team to get punched in the face even though some of their players are chill. The whole is less chill than the sum of the parts.

New Jersey Nets
Chateau Kerby's fourthish favorite team, only because of Brook Lopez and Devin Harris.

New York Knicks
"Whoops." -- Mike D'Antoni

Philadelphia 76ers
Really like the shape of Lou Williams's head, very Seattle era Sam Perkins.

Toronto Raptors
Prepare to be disappointed.

Chicago Bulls
An impending sense of the sadness. Possibly the end of The Blowtorch if/when Brad Miller gets traded.

Cleveland Cavaliers
Insufferable.

Detroit Pistons
More like "Detroit" "Pistons."

Indiana Pacers
History's first uptempo team prominently featuring five white guys. Also, Five Guys burgers are overhyped, but still pretty good. Cajun fries are the real find there. As such, someone on the Pacers will be nicknamed "Cajun Fries".

Milwaukee Bucks
Can't stand ya.

Atlanta Hawks
Will win somewhere between 44 and 46 games forever.

Charlotte Bobcats
Whatever.

Miami Heat
Kind of think Dwade is going to leave because he doesn't like being in the sun because it makes him sweat too much and his skin burns then his wife is all like "I told you to put on sunscreen" then Dwade is like "I forgot and now my lips are chapped." This may be projecting.

Orlando Magic
Actually, surprisingly very excited about the Magics.

Washington Wizards
C'mon Internet. It's the Wizards. Chill out.

Denver Nuggets
By far the most meme-worthy of all NBA teams. Data Traveler 4GB contains SO MANY weird Nuggets pictures from this summer.

Minnesota Timberwolves
Can't decide between Minnesota TimberLOLves or Minnesota TimberWhoops.

Oklahoma City Thunder
Probably Chateau Kerby's third favorite team.

Portland Trail Blazers

Still employing Juwan Howard. Thanks, Blazers.

Utah Jazz
Kinda feels like the Jazz have neither added nor lost anyone from their team since Raul Lopez flamed out.

Golden State Warriors
Whatever.

Los Angeles Clippers
Hate you for making Bill Simmons look smart.

Los Angeles Lakers
I'm trying to grow my hair out in to some hybrid of Pau Gasol and Rudy Fernandez.

Phoenix Suns

Miss you.

Sacramento Kings
Inexplicably a team that I enjoy watching. Blame it on Ziller.

Dallas Mavericks
How many more teams are there because I'm getting tired of this. Basically the Utah Jazz of Texas.

Houston Rockets
Basically the Houston Rockets of Texas.

Memphis Grizzlies
Dreading the "watching this team is like watching a trainwreck" jokes that are surely being typed right now.

New Orleans Hornets
Sorry, Chris Paul.

San Antonio Spurs
Tell me have you ever, really really loved a woman.

End 9:16

1000 Words: Ersan Ilyasova Returns

2009-10-26T08:53:00.005-05:00

It wasn't the two years of seasoning in Europe that convinced Milwaukee to bring back Ersan Ilyasova; it was the dedication to the Bucks aesthetic that sold them.

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 2

2009-10-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a preseason game. You don't have to go all Rajon Rondo on Jason Richardson. He didn't even do anything, except beat you to the basket because you're like a thousand years old now. Maybe just let this one slide, considering the game didn't mean anything. Even Jason Richardson is confused. He's like, "sheeeeeeeesh."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 1

2009-10-23T10:13:00.003-05:00

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You are not Steve Blake's best friend. Prior to this season, he was like everyone else: surprised you were still in the NBA. Now you're all like, "I've got your back, Steve Blake." But Steve Blake is like, "okaaayyy....."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

My New Job

2009-10-22T12:34:00.004-05:00

I was just on Basketbawful's job board when I saw this posting for models at Derrick Rose's birthday party. I'm a pretty big fan of Derrick Rose, and modeling, and just the whole club scene in general, so I think I'm going to apply.

Something my teachers taught me back at Barbizon Modeling School is that peer review is a great tool. With that in mind, it would be cool if y'all could review my application.

Requirements:

*Must Be 21yrs Old

Check.

*You must enjoy going to Clubs
Super check.

*Must be able to attend & Host Weekly Events

Okay.

*Must be able to Socialize and Network with new people

Of course.
*Must be very energetic and outgoing

Maybe not.
* Must be stylish/Attractive/presentable

Proof.
*Must have a Electronic presence (Facebook, Myspace, Emails, etc)

Obviously.

*Must have transportation

You bet.

I really hope I get this gig, since I love going out so much. All in all, I think I put together a really strong portfolio. What do you think?

Looking at a Vince Carter Picture

2009-10-22T08:58:00.002-05:00

Here's what I was thinking when I found this photograph of Vince Carter:

(scrolls down)

Christmas Suggestions: Charity Events

2009-10-21T09:41:00.006-05:00

Dudes and dudettes, Christmas is fast approaching, and even though it's not even Halloween yet, you need to start thinking about what kind of presents you are going to buy the NBA fan in your life. Because my taste is impeccable (seriously, people have tried to pecc it, which has not been a fruitful endeavor), I will continually offer different gift packages that you can buy for yourself or your loved ones.

Right now, I'm really in to 'charity experiences'. Kinda think that getting to be a part of something that is bigger than myself is a really touching idea. And it feels like that kind of thing lasts longer than your standard Precious Moments/pajamas/gift card purchase. Seems more real. Plus, when you do something good for your community, you feel good about yourself. Win-win.

Some ideas that I've had recently:

Pay the Nets to tutor neighborhood children

Pros: kids get adult role models
Cons: one of them is Brook Lopez, which seems counterproductive

Let Shaq train fat neighborhood kids
Pros: kids learn health tips
Cons: Shaq is a grown-up fat kid, which seems counterproductive

Get Robin Lopez to teach neighborhood kids basketball

Pros: cheaper than Brook Lopez
Cons: you can't teach height so it's basically pointless

Let an NBA star coddle your baby

Pros: could get Kyle Korver, who babies like
Cons: could get Brad Miller, who babies dislike

Host a comedy night

Pros: players will overlaugh at your jokes to make you seem funny
Cons: will hog the mic

All in all, I think these are pretty excellent ideas and any one of us would be lucky to participate in any of them. In this economy, athletes will do anything for money, so these experiences aren't terribly expensive. And they're worth every penny. Feel free to use any or all of these, and I'll be sure to keep you up to date on additional Christmas gifts.

Brad Miller Watch: In the Community

2009-10-20T13:52:00.002-05:00

The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...

Seems like a scary bro who just wants to be nice to youngsters.

Joe Smith Template

2009-10-20T09:33:00.005-05:00

Hey dudes. I was reading the Internet last night, and I made it about halfway through when I came upon something pretty wacky. As you probably know, Joe Smith has played for a ton of basketball teams. This year, he's going to be a Hawk, which is his tenth team. That makes his team percentage (TP) exactly 33.3 percent (repeating). Since he's played for some teams more than once, his TTP (true team percentage) is somewhere closer to 40 percent. It's a complicated formula, so you'll have to trust me that it's true.

But that wasn't the wacky thing. The wacky thing that I previously mentioned is what I found in a restricted area of the NBA.com website.

Apparently, the NBA is doing a service to the 20 teams that Joe Smith hasn't yet played for by creating a template for their press packages. From what I've gathered, a team will just use this generic shot of Joe Smith whenever they acquire him. Furthermore, I've ascertained that this photo was definitely not created in MS Paint. That would just be insulting.

Because he's so well-traveled, David Stern has ordered that each team has a SMITH 32 jersey on hand so that he doesn't have to wait once he's traded for cap relief. I guess Stern feels that every team should have their chance to own a backup power forward with a decent 15 footer who can grow a bunch of different kinds of facial hair. It's some sort of grandfather clause, like when Craig McTavish didn't have to wear a helmet in the NHL.

Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

2009-10-19T08:51:00.005-05:00

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching young people how to act.

Just to recap: championships, then acting.

But acting isn't just young kids. There are old people in movies too. Like Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones and that jerk Jude Law. I can't stand Jude Law, with his British affectations and flowing hair. Anyways.

At Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, we also teach old people to act. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so that's why I didn't open a dog acting workshop. That's just bad business. But old people? You can sometimes teach them new tricks. Like acting. Just this summer, an old NBA player came to me, and wanted to learn to act. I'd like you to meet Juwan Howard.

Heeeyyyyyyyy.

Juwan came to me and said, "Phil Jackson, I need you to teach me to act, so I can catch on as a twelfth man for some team. I don't have the skills to play in the NBA anymore, but I don't want to sell cars just yet. Please Phil Jackson, you're my only hope." He's kind of long-winded. But I said yes. For a fee.

And it worked! Juwan is now the twelfth man for the Portland Trailblazers. Since it was so successful, I've decided to show some of my process in hopes that some more clients will show up. We just did a few simple exercises to get him in the right frame of mind for the upcoming season. Because Juwan is a good sport, he agreed to recreate those exercises in this demonstration.

Juwan, act like your teammates just got called for a foul that they didn't commit.

Very good. Maybe dial it back a little. You're kind of becoming a caricature of a bench player. You're on the right track though.

This time, act like your teammate just got a huge basket AND the foul. Go.
Take it back some.

Take it back.
TAKE IT BACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE A JOKE JUWAN HOWARD!

I apologize. It appears that Juwan has forgot some of our basic tenets. Mostly the one about not overacting. Maybe they were right when they said you can't teach an old Juwan Howard new tricks. But I still have hope. In fact, I just got word that Michael Sweetney will be enrolling soon.

What Is In Carlos Boozer's Box?

2009-10-16T09:27:00.003-05:00

Way to go Carlos Boozer! You found...

Balloon Boy
Stephon Marbury
Lifetime supply of extra-strength Nair for Men
Beard trimmer
Whoop
Picture of Talia Shire
Human head
Prime rib and peppercorn sub from Quiznos
Book he ordered from Amazon a few weeks ago that he forgot about
Car adapters for mp3 player, shipped from Singapore
Less feminine bracelet
A smaller box
Packing peanuts
Rock Band 2 for Wii
Sardines

My First Acting Role

2009-10-15T08:47:00.004-05:00

As y'all know, I've been trying to break in to 'show business' for quite some time. In February of last year, I wrote/directed/produced/starred in The Brad Miller Show (returning SOON, probably) which was a pretty big hit on the Internet. A lot of people compared it to the fourth season of The Wire, because it was so beautifully shot and authentic. Apparently, my work on TBMS opened some eyes, because just this weekend I co-starred in CSI: Miami with Pau Gasol of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Bros.

It was pretty chill. I learned a lot of things about Pau. For instance, he shaves hourly. His 'beard' just grows back that fast. Additionally, he taught me how to make all those crazy faces he makes. (I was a stunt double and had to be able to perfectly mimic him.)

Nailed it.

He says it's all in the sternocleidomastoid. That neck muscle gives Pau a lot of facial power and expressiveness. It was really interesting to learn 'crazy face' from a pro.

I also found out a bunch of inside info from Lakers training camp:

Lamar Odom uses a Magic 8-Ball to make every decision in his life.
Andrew Bynum smells like Listerine.
Luke Walton likes soda.
Phil Jackson's car is green.

Pretty invaluable stuff. I'm really glad I had this opportunity, and I hope that my performance opens the door for bigger and better acting roles. I really think I have a future in 'the Biz'.

"If you can make it in the suburbs of Chicago, you can make it anywhere." - Trey Kerby, October 15, 2009

A Few Replacement Referees Hold a Meeting

2009-10-14T09:34:00.003-05:00

Shh shhh. Here comes Todd.

Are you serious? That guy is driving me insane.

Hey guys! Let's call some FOULS!

Hey, Todd.

Hey.

Fouls, guys! Let's call 'em. (whistles) Illegal strutting.

That's not a thing.

Psssht. (whistles) Inadvertent silliness.

C'mon, Todd.

(whistles) Excessive sweating. This is SO MUCH FUN!

Brad Miller Watch: In Da Club

2009-10-13T15:12:00.003-05:00

The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...

Seems like a chill bro who's down to hit the club after a day on the links.

Previously

Life at the Blowtorch School for NBA Children

2009-10-13T08:49:00.005-05:00

After the success of my in-home consultations, I decided to offer another service to NBA players. Since they are so busy travelling from city to city, we've opened a sort of hostel for the children of the athletes. Their packed schedules don't allow them enough time to see their kids grow up, so we take care of that for them.

Here is our mission statement:

Letting kids play video games is probably good for them, so we let kids play video games.

It's still a work in progress, but the clients seem to support what we're trying to do. It's basically a boarding school, exclusively offered to the children of the super-rich. Just this weekend, Andrei Kirilenko and Kirk Hinrich dropped their boys off at our off-site stadium:

Rick Kirilenko and JaKirk Hinrich

We like to do a lot of stuff away from the home, like play video games in an enormous stadium. We feel that it gets these kids used to the lifetime of scrutiny that comes from having a famous father.

Outside of teaching kids how to be scrutinized and letting them play video games, we have a final step in our program. We only let the kids stay for one season, then they have to move along. Otherwise, we worry that some players would drop their children off, then never pick them up again. However, in that year, we teach them all about money management, drug addiction counselling, and how to shake off the haters. All of these are valuable life skills for an NBA child. Our first class has graduated, so I'd like to congratulate the class of 2009.

Joe Szczerbiak, Frank Tabuse, Brad Miller Jr., Adam Pollard

We feel that this experimental project could revolutionize both education and the NBA. No longer will the players have to worry about the safety of their pesky children, so they can focuse on straight-up ballin'. It's a win everybody.

The Blowtorch School for NBA Children is not an accredited learning institution.

Big Up Yourself, Christopher Columbus

2009-10-12T12:52:00.002-05:00

Sup bros. No basketball jokes today. I'm busy ollie-ing some indy nosebones and grinding rails. Might throw a method air in there a little later, but I'm not sure. Just typical skateboarding stuff. You understand.

There He Is

2009-10-09T09:41:00.004-05:00

Don't worry guys, I found Sam Perkins. Turns out he stole Busta Rhymes's identity and went to the Great Wall of China with Dave Chappelle.

Typical Sam Perkins.

Shavlik Randolph is Feelin' It

2009-10-08T10:58:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah, Shav. Shoot those free throws. Your free throw game is looking tyte, bro. You know it too. I see you, pursing your lips trying to act all nonchalant when it's pretty obvious that this is your thing. Free throws, man. Child's play.

The haircut, the scraggly armpit hair, the dusting of actual arm hair that makes you look like your glowing? Super fresh. Super. Fresh. You look like a regular Michael Doleac out there.

I can't be mad at you, Shavlik. You know what's up. Feelin' it.

Feelin' it.

Communication Problems in Los Angeles

2009-10-08T08:37:00.002-05:00

Ron, we on the same team. You don't have to guard me anymore.

Knees bent. See the ball. On the line, up the line.

Ron, did you hear me? Stop guarding me.

I miss you, Michael. I miss you so much.

Stephen Jackson is under the basket shooting a layup right now.

I'ma boil me some boot stew. For reals.

Wonderful. They just scored because you're guarding me.

Love being a Laker so much. Sup, Kobe? You say something?

My Newest Clients

2009-10-07T09:04:00.004-05:00

As y'all know, my house is a happening place. As the headquarters for Blowtorch Consulting, we were proud to host BDLCON 2k9. Fans from as far as Indiana, Canada, and Illinois flocked to Illinois to watch television and make jokes. We were pretty pleased with the turn-out.

We did so many activities, like dog training. Here is a famous Internet celebrity teaching one of our volunteers how to dribble a basketball:

Anyways, after the success of BDLCON 2k9, I've received some requests from athletes for some face-to-face consultations. It's a new day for Blowtorch Consulting. Where we had previously just e-mailed memes, marketing opportunities, and growth strategies to assorted players, now we're working hands-on with our clients.

Our first guess was a bro named Jason. He stopped by to see how he could become more recognizable to the public. I told him, "bro, you need to do something wacky. Something that will make people think about you in a new way."

He said, "like some new hair product and a gingham shirt?"

I said, "nah, bro. Like change your number or something."

And here he is now: I'd say that's a successful image makeover. Before he was just a bro who could shoot shots pretty good, but kind of looked like a sissy. Now, he's got this new silly number that makes people think he's mysterious.

After that went so well, he recommended me to his friend, Primoz. Now, I wasn't sure exactly who this guy was, or what his name was supposed to mean. I kinda figured he was a big Prince fan, but turns out he hates Prince. So the name mystery remains unsolved.

But I told him, "maybe you shouldn't necessarily play up the ethnic name. People will think you're coming over here to steal American jobs, which is kind of a touchy subject."

He agreed, saying, "Kul človek. Bom poskusil pogledati več ameriških."

I had no idea what that meant, but he went upstairs, changed clothes, and mussed up his hair. I was shocked to see that he looked exactly like my college roommate.

When he came down, he was calling himself "Pedro," thinking it was a typical American name. I suggested "Pete" and the transformation was complete.

I can't exactly say where this company is going, but I like the direction it's taken lately. To really help control the images of these almost-world-class athletes is a positive step for us. I'll keep you posted on the happenings of Blowtorch Consulting.

NBA Style Report - October 2009

2009-10-06T08:46:00.005-05:00

Dirk Nowitzki

Walter Herrmann is like "nice hair." Then he rolled his eyes and palmed two basketballs in the same hand.

DOWNGRADE

Rasheed Wallace

For 63 years the Celtics have been a world class organization from the front office to the uniforms. Then they signed Sheed and told him it was okay to modify his sweatpants.

DOWNGRADE

Josh McRoberts
It's good to see that McRoberts has embraced the 'zany' bench guy role, albeit with the typical Duke twist (read: juiceboxy).

KIND OF AN UPGRADE

DeShawn Stevenson

Whoops! You still have a neck tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

DOWNGRADE

Andrei Kirilenko
"I cahn't vait for Jim unt Pahm to be marry. I've been unt fan of John Krahseenski for long time."
UPGRADE